In 2011 my BPD was really out of control. I started drinking, popping pills, using hard drugs, and I flunked out of DBT 8 months in. to a 12 month program. I said and did a lot of things I'm not proud of.
Today I've been clean for 17 months and I'm going back to DBT. I've really turned things around. I'm here for my kids, my best friend started speaking to me again.
The thing is, there's this one friend who I still haven't reconciled with. The last time I talked to this friend I was wasted, and I said some really ugly things I wish I could take back in a serious way. Fear of rejection is keeping me from having the nerve to approach this friend, but I still think about this person. I was telling my fiancé about this person, and he tells me I should try and make peace with this person, that they'll understand that I was going through some real hard times back then. but I'm really afraid that's not the case.
Does anyone have advice who's been there? or even just some advice in general? I mean, is my fiancé right? or should I just drop it?
Thanks in advance.

[winter4me]

You might try explaining in a letter, or ask if they would meet you for a talk/lunch, the worst that can happen is that they say no and/or are not able to do this. You just won't know until you try. At least you will have done what is good for you, and you will know that you did do your best to make amends. When you were so ill, you were out of control, but now you have choices. Even just a card...a 'sorry' with a note...
Sounds like you need to reach out for your own peace of mind. (((best))) It is a brave action.

Thank you very much. It keeps bothering me more and more the clearer my mind gets, but I'm just such a wuss. but apparently this person is more important to me than I previously realized while under the influence, and the important one's are worth fighting for being that they're so few/far in between for me.

Also, thank you for reminding me that I have more choices these days. I forget sometimes. I've struggled finding a DBT program to get back into that will take my insurance, only recently am I seeing light at the end of that tunnel. Made me feel pretty helpless because I know I need help. but you are right, clean I have a lot more control, even if it's not as much control as I would like and probably can have upon successful completetion of DBT.
I have more choices now, like trying to find the nerve to approach a friend I care for. I didn't mean what I said to we will just call this person [. I let an argument [ and I were having get the best of me while I was drunk. [ and I had disagreed before, even had stopped speeking a few times before. but never had I said something so ugly until that day. Since I didn't mean it, I'm not sure why I said it. I guess I let the hurt I was feeling with [ get the best of me. I feel so ashamed for who I was then, and the choices I made then.
Sorry for the ramble. but the point I was trying to get to is that I have the choice now to approach [ with a clean/clear mind, and I have the choice to handle rejection in a healthy way if that is what happens. Thank you.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

the point I was trying to get to is that I have the choice now to approach [ with a clean/clear mind, and I have the choice to handle rejection in a healthy way if that is what happens. Thank you.

This totally. I am sure everyone on these boards can relate to a certain extent. Good luck and I hope your friend welcomes you wide open arms

Originally Posted by technigal

This totally. I am sure everyone on these boards can relate to a certain extent. Good luck and I hope your friend welcomes you wide open arms

Thank you. I hope so. With [ it could go either way, we have similar firy temperments lol.
Still working up the nerve. and even when I do get the nerve, finding a contact method may not be easy.
but once I get enough nerve I certainly intend to try.

I was about to do it. Then all the sudden my hands got clammy and started shaking, and I could hear my heart pounding.
Now both my fiance and best friend are telling me I need to "man up Nancy" and just give making amends a shot, I can't believe I chickened out for like... the third time now.
Fail

Keep trying. It doesn't matter if you get too scared to do it, you just try again until you can. You haven't failed, you're just not quite ready yet

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think you've failed! You're making some important realisations. and helping us here too, by posting. I think being scared is pretty 'normal" and like secretwhisper said, you can try again! Good luck with contacting your friend, keep us updated?

[technigal]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

I was about to do it. Then all the sudden my hands got clammy and started shaking, and I could hear my heart pounding.
Now both my fiance and best friend are telling me I need to "man up Nancy" and just give making amends a shot, I can't believe I chickened out for like... the third time now.
Fail

I don't think you failed. Asking someone that you hurt for forgiveness is very hard. Just keep trying, and sometime soon you will get to that place.

[winter4me]

You will get "there".(((())))

[hawaii04]

No matter the approach you choose, when you decide to take the rest of the step, you will alleviate this weighing so heavily on your mind. Chances are things will work out just fine when you are ready ~ don't let fear stand in the way of you finding the answer of a question so important. Good luck!

[Rzay4]

It takes time, keep trying!!

Aww thank you guys for the support and encouragement. I guess a part of me wishes [ would say something to me, even if it's I hate you and you were never my friend, so then I could then spill my guts about how rreally sorry I am, and how much it meant to me to have a friend who understood what I was going through more than most people in this world. I keep feeling like if [ wanted to talk to me, than [ would so I might be making an *** out of myself you know? and then I start wondering if maybe the close friendship we once had was all in my head? Was I just a means to an end? This train of thought breaks my heart but I'm 99.9% sure it's the BPD voice in my head.
I am a pretty determined person, I just have to find the strenghth.

Originally Posted by Rzay4

It takes time, keep trying!!

Thank you. I've been trying for about 6 months now, and this last time was my third time. Hopefully the 4th time will be the charm? lol.

Hey guys,
Some of you asked to be kept updated, so here it is.
I don't think I'll be approaching [ because I've come to realize there's a 99.9% chance that person was never my friend, just someone who wanted me to believe they were in order to make it easier to use and pray on me. When I was friends with [ I was going through the hardest time of my life, and I was really needy for friendship/aprovel. I think [ saw that a mile away and was able to manipulate me into defending [gender pronoun], and doing what [gender pronoun] wanted. Then when I was no longer useful to [, that person was simply able to pick a fight with me and cast me aside.
Do I feel stupid? yeah, cuz I was warned. The trouble is the people who tried to warn me themselves aren't the best people, so I didn't believe them. I truly believed [ was my friend and that I was not being prayed upon. (and when I say prayed upon I do not mean sexually, rather psychologically). I ignored common sense because it was the "devil" trying to tell me. I guess the pain of [ using and making a fool out of me aughta teach me to listen next time.
It hurts and I still miss [, but life will eventually go on.
Thank you to everyone who gave me support and advice regarding this matter.

[Truth in Ruin]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I'll say this: I would just apologize, and what ever happens after that happens.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Hey guys,
Some of you asked to be kept updated, so here it is.
I don't think I'll be approaching [ because I've come to realize there's a 99.9% chance that person was never my friend, just someone who wanted me to believe they were in order to make it easier to use and pray on me. When I was friends with [ I was going through the hardest time of my life, and I was really needy for friendship/aprovel. I think [ saw that a mile away and was able to manipulate me into defending [gender pronoun], and doing what [gender pronoun] wanted. Then when I was no longer useful to [, that person was simply able to pick a fight with me and cast me aside.
Do I feel stupid? yeah, cuz I was warned. The trouble is the people who tried to warn me themselves aren't the best people, so I didn't believe them. I truly believed [ was my friend and that I was not being prayed upon. (and when I say prayed upon I do not mean sexually, rather psychologically). I ignored common sense because it was the "devil" trying to tell me. I guess the pain of [ using and making a fool out of me aughta teach me to listen next time.
It hurts and I still miss [, but life will eventually go on.
Thank you to everyone who gave me support and advice regarding this matter.

I can understand this. I have recently cut off a "friend" who just used me. I have helped her through a premature baby, abusive boyfriends, bankruptcy, and so on. I have given her money knowing that as much as she promised she would pay me back I would never see it again. I have been a help and support and she has never been there for me. When I had just gotten released from the ER for being suicidal (and on my birthday no less) she told me that if I did not become more positive then I was no longer her friend. Then she had the audacity to question why I blocked her on facebook, her emails go directly to the delete file, her text messages go unanswered ... I was warned too, by my husband who I trust but I did not listen.

I was actually going to write a post about dealing with "friends" who just use you. It hurts that I had to cut her out but it is best for my sanity.

[Love/Hate09]

I hope you succeed in reconciling with your friend, sadly i'm a bit of a disaster in this area and i also lost a really important friend because i was too wrapped up in my own problems at the time and didn't pay enough attention to my friendship. It's easy to be wise after the event but that's no good when we have already lost them. I've lost too many people in my life and would rather not lose anymore, especially the very special ones, some are just more important than others, perhaps shouldn't say that but i think it's true for most people. We all have we what you'd call mates, people that are ok to hang out with and chat about random stuff, but we also, if we are lucky, get the odd special one, the one that knows all the dark stuff about you, in my case my substance misuse history and my MH problems, this is the stuff that the casual mates know nothing about because even if they did they would not be someone you'd call when you needed help. But the friend that knows all that and is there for you when you need someone, the one that stands by you. They are worth fighting for, if you think this person matches up to that criteria then fight for them, if they are a bit of a crappy friend then it's more debatable, you'll have to think it over.

How you do it i can't really say, a lot depends on the dynamics of the friendship and how you are used to communicating. There's always the letter option as someone above mentioned, the email, text, call, i'm not sure. No relationship is easy, whether it's a romantic relationship or a close friendship they all have ups and downs, it is human nature. Then for those of us who suffer with any sort of MH issue we have that double complication of dealing with that as well which often makes dealing with other people difficult because communication gets misunderstood, feelings get hurt and all that. My closest friendships though have always been the most difficult ones, i think it's maybe because you share so much together. Friends that see all of you, the happy you, the depressed you, the you having a total breakdown. When someone lives through that with you they end up knowing you in a more intimate way then most other people will. That does create a strong bond i think. Some bonds are like bungee ropes, you can keep stretching them but somehow that person keeps springing back to you,maybe those are the ones you are meant to have. Only you can make that decision. Sorry if i have waffled on but this subject touched me because i have been in your position and know the diffculties you face. I do wish loads of luck and i hope you can tell us it all worked out well for you whatever decision you decide to make.

Thank the 3 of you for replying. I keep going back and forth between wanting to apologize and risk [ being very cruel to me, and just throwing in the towel because I know [ sees me around and doesn't seem to want anything to do with me (although my best friend thinks that maybe [ is just waiting for me to be the one to say something).
I will adress all3 of you individually in this post as follows:
@Technigal
I've had friends who acted like the friend you are describing. None of them got under my skin quite like [.
@TruthinRuin I really want too, but I'm not sure it would help. [ is stubborn just like me. [ is similar to me in many ways, maybe that's why this is so hard. Even if [ never wants anything to do with me ever again, I just wish I knew if [ ever considered me a friend, or if the people who tried to warn me about ['s predatory, dictatory nature were right.
@Love/Hate09 I've tried and chickened out 3 times now in the last 6 months. I was also too involved with my own problems and alcohol abuse to appreciate the friendship. I just wish [ understood that and that I am not who I used to be. I mean if [ was willing to be my friend when I was the most screwed up I have ever been, why not at least be willing to hear me out sober? Then that's when the thoughts that maybe others were right about me being used start flooding my mind and it hurts.

[Love/Hate09]

I think your friend maybe is right, he could well be waiting for you to say something. A lot depends on your last communication with him, if it went particularly badly he maybe nervous about approaching you so is thinking if you want to talk to him you will when you are ready, it's difficult to know because i don't know the dynamics of your friendship. If it went very badly he may think you don't want to talk to him, if on the other hand he was saying i don't want to be friends and i don't want to talk then it maybe best to wait for him to talk. What's your gut feeling tell you, do you think he would like to talk? If you think yes then i would definitely go for it.