[Aphrodites_Muse]

I need somewhere to rant tonight. My anxiety is about to make my head pop! This may or may not be coherent once I post, but I will try my absolute best. If you have even read these thoughts to follow, please send me hugs and/or good cheer, I'm in need....

Short background: I am in a lesbian relationship. At this point, alltogether 7yrs. First two years was a relationship that could outshine any diamond. Due to me messing up in college, we then moved in with my dad for a yr. Neither one of us can pinpoint what happened but we both feel the love started to die there. We then bought our own place, which after living there for two years, the relationship did not improve. There was a complete lack of ANY physical attention...this goes way beyond sex. During this time I coaxed and pleaded for professional help in our relationship, which she would not accept. I then, for reasons that still baffle me, proceeded to have an affair with a male coworker over the next year. This coworker was highly manipulative and I was at a vulnerable state in my life. After becoming entangled for a year in that mess, I desparately yearned to get out but felt as though I was trapped with my decision. After several attempts to end that relationship I was only able to put a stop to the actual sex. After approximately two months of no sex, but still having him 'talk me up' over the phone, I was reintroduced to an old friend. I ended up sleeping with him once, and felt so overwhelmingly disgusted with myself that I ended up puking, going home to my girl, and crying on her as she slept. I did not confess though. I continued four more months to hide the overwhelming shame and guilt, but did not understand how to cut ties with all these people without blowing my secret. I decided to confess.

Fast forward a little here: This led me to therapy and this diagnoses, which is terrifyingly accurate. I cleaned my slate with confessions. I went through hell and back again to prove myself to my girlfriend. We both agreed to work towards that 'old happiness' we had. Two months of hell later, she kicks me out, and has this re-bound relationship with my ex (as in the only other person I have loved in my life, ex).

Fast forward again: I crashed and burned but somehow found this great spirit in recovery. I'm living with my dad and grandma. Three months pass, of even more hell. My girl and I rekindled a spark. We've been taking it slow and dating. I understand her caution and have been going through great lengths in therapy to become that loving person I desire to have....at first I didn't mind the remnants of the joint ex, I'll call her, then two and half months later brings us to tonight.

I went snooping through her phone. All pics that she and I have taken together are gone. She does have pictures with the joint ex and they are dated throughout the last six months. What stands out is the ones from the night before my birthday. I was with her earlier that day, had even made love. The pics are dated and timed for that night. I remember it, it was only like a week ago. She's wearing the same outfit and everything. It's scary a FK. She swears she hasn't seen this girl since we started talking, and now Idk what to do. My heart is pounding. My mind is racing....F-bomb F-bomb, F-bomb!!!!!!

We had already gotten our "even" out the way. I don't understand...I felt so much love for her in the last few months than I think we may have ever shared. I know it's more than I've ever given before.

OH F, I'm freaking the hell out right now. I want to kill them, that deep internal singe screaming for me to off myself....don't worry guys this isn't a suicidal post, I just need to say how I feel.

I'm scared of myself right now. Holidays are here. I'm so alone. I can't f'in take this stupid life of mine anymore.....

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. For the struggles that were a natural consequence" of your behavior, and now for the actions your gf is taking.
What I can tell you is that you are on the right path now. You may not be able to take back the past or control the actions of others (as in your gf or the joint ex), but you are doing the right thing for you. and I believe you can continue doing that with or without the gf, even though I'm sure it probably seems overwhelming.
You don't deserve to be lied to like that, regardless of what you may have done in the past. If the two of you agreed to a fresh start and putting it behind you, then what she's doing is absolutely wrong.
In my opinion not confronting her isn't an option. At least for me it wouldn't be. Where you guys go from here is up to the two of you, but you can't change what you don't agnolege. This needs to be out in the open. Not just what she's doing and who she's doing it with,but why she's doing it. Is she doing it to get back at you because she is still hurting? is she still interested in trying to fix things and if so, why then is she engaging in this behavior Would be just some of the things I'd be expecting her to answer for.
Best of luck to you. Know that you are not alone and I am here if you need a friend.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this, your pain is evident in your post. I don't have any pearls of wisdom but I wanted to send you some cyber hugs.

[facingdemons]

I'm sorry. I was married for 7 1/2 years and went through some similar things... made some of the same mistakes. My husband left in March... and I don't have a lot of encouragement, other than to say that I sympathize with what you're going through and you're not alone.

[shezbut]

I am sorry ~ it sounds like you're caught in intense feelings of inner turmoil. I can really relate to that! 99% of the time, I'm feeling major turmoil about something. It's crazy and I hate it.

I wish that I had some words of wisdom to help you. The only advice tat I can think of is to see a couple's counselor with your gf. You both need a place where you both can feel safe to be 100% honest with one another. And you just might need an open-minded 3rd party where you both feel safe enough.

Gentle hugs sent your way

[Aphrodites_Muse]

First of all, I'd like to take the time to thank anyone who took the time to hear my struggles and even more thanks to the kind words offered by others. Couples counseling was actually suggested at my last pdoc appt. My gf and I are considering the financial possibilities of this. I have had time to sit her down for this conversation, but I still have concerns. I'm trying to decide if I'm having real or delusional fears, and either way, are my fears reasonable and/or for my safety. IDK yet.

She says that the pics of us are on a thumb drive because she was afraid if her phone crashed that she would lose the pics of us. She also claims that the pics of the joint ex and her came from an app that keeps putting pics back that have been deleted. I do know that I searched a little deeper to discover that it is true that some of the pics are dated wrong. This was proven through some pics I knew the date of and her phone had them dated for about 3 mths later. She swears that all the pics are old and that they've not seen each other during the time she and I have been talking.

I feel I have to give her the benefit of the doubt right now. I explained to her why I found these pics, along with some other untidy-ed type things, were hurtful to me. She says these things have no meaning to her so it hasn't been a priority to dispose of. I told her that I understand they have no meaning to her, and I find that a good thing, but that my mind applies meaning to them and it is very hurtful, and that I want her to consider their impact on my feelings even if they have no impact on hers.

For now, I am going to try to lay low and breathe. I will continue to stay consciously aware of my actions and behaviors in this relationship and try to promote its healthiness. After some time passes, I will look again, if more appears and/or things don't start to get removed....I will know where I stand, and I suppose if my fears are correct, I will work on acceptance.