[Trippin2.0]

Argh, I don't even want to type this but journalling seems too lame right now...

I'M SICK OF THIS FKN BULLSHYT! SICK OF IT!

I've been miserable as all fk since boxing day, first day in months, thanks to a glorious bipolar hypomania. But it hit me so hard, so fast I just couldn't deal with waking up so completely heartbroken for no reason. Ended up taking a bunch of pills to sleep it off, but it backfired because I ended up with severe nausea, dizzyness and shakiness for 24 hrs instead of sleep.

This is definitly a bipolar thing because it was random, but now its triggered such a lot of bpd stuff and I'm alienating everyone!!!

People are busy, too busy for my liking. Which leaves me feeling unwanted. REALLY unwanted. My poor bf has no fkn clue, but atm I'm convinced I never wanna speak to him again. My friends aren't speaking to me because I b1tched them out and told em I'm not using my phone until further notice. My daughter is obsessed with making me smile, and my family is walking on egg shells, admittedly too scared to even ask me to go pick up groceries.

Feels like nobody wants me, like I'm nobody's priority. Feels like I'm insignificant and unimportant. And I'm sick to death, sick to fkn death of convincing myself otherwise or asking for reassurance.

It makes me feel needy and pathetic and I DON'T WANNA BE EITHER!

I'm NOT looking forward to the new year, I wish I would just end already before it starts, but my daughter just had a birthday yesterday..

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
No feedback required, I'm just a hot miserable mess and I was gonna explode.

[lynn808]

Trippin,
Thinking of you and passing good vibes your way today.
Be strong!!!
Hugs!!!! And more hugs!!!
This too shall pass.....this cycle shall pass hun....
Chat back soon!!!

[Maranara]

I'm sorry Trippin. I know it's not much consolation, but you're among friends who understand here. Feel free to vent all you need to if it'll help and we'll stick with you. Just remember, nothing with BPD, or bipolar for that matter, lasts. I know it's hard to remember that when you're in the throes of it all, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!

[A Red Panda]

Trippin: I'm nearly always around to talk when I'm at home. I'm all eyes and ears if you ever want them!

[technigal]

Hope that today is a better day for you.

We are here for support so vent away when you need to.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks guys, your support means a lot to me.

I know this will pass, if I'm lucky it'll be over in about 2 weeks, which is my usual MO.
But I also know it will rear its ugly head again and again, and again and again.

That's the part that's got me so damn mad, and utterly hopeless. That no matter how happy or stable I am, that no matter how hard I work at being whole and healthy, it all disappears in the blink of an eye and I'm back in this pit of dispair aGain!

I'm just over this whole experience, I don't see a point in trying to get better, or trying to fight it. I just honestly don't.

Instead of chewing me to a fine paste, regurgitating me, giving me a break, and then starting again, I wish it would just swallow me whole and be done with me already

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thanks guys, your support means a lot to me.

I know this will pass, if I'm lucky it'll be over in about 2 weeks, which is my usual MO.
But I also know it will rear its ugly head again and again, and again and again.

That's the part that's got me so damn mad, and utterly hopeless. That no matter how happy or stable I am, that no matter how hard I work at being whole and healthy, it all disappears in the blink of an eye and I'm back in this pit of dispair aGain!

I'm just over this whole experience, I don't see a point in trying to get better, or trying to fight it. I just honestly don't.

Instead of chewing me to a fine paste, regurgitating me, giving me a break, and then starting again, I wish it would just swallow me whole and be done with me already

In sort of a way, I'm kind of in the same place. I've learned this comes and goes and my heart goes out to you. but with that acceptance, for me, it's taught me not to be so hard on myself and just learn to cope with it better. I am what I am... I don't believe in a total cure and thus, I have to deal with it and get through even the worst of times no matter what. Even in your worst moments, you know, things will pass... focus on that hun... it will come again but you will have more good stuff coming. I promise. *hugs*

[Trippin2.0]

Just wanted to check in and let you guys know that its noon of day 6 and I don't feel as bad as I have the previous days...

I don't know what changed between posting lastnight and waking up. Bf didn't say anything earth shatteringly different in the way of reassurance and I have had zero interaction with anyone else, so maybe its just lifting early on its own? Idk, but wanted you guys to know today is better and that I'm thankful to you guys for being here for me during such nonsensical times.

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Argh, I don't even want to type this but journalling seems too lame right now...

I'M SICK OF THIS FKN BULLSHYT! SICK OF IT!

I've been miserable as all fk since boxing day, first day in months, thanks to a glorious bipolar hypomania. But it hit me so hard, so fast I just couldn't deal with waking up so completely heartbroken for no reason. Ended up taking a bunch of pills to sleep it off, but it backfired because I ended up with severe nausea, dizzyness and shakiness for 24 hrs instead of sleep.

This is definitly a bipolar thing because it was random, but now its triggered such a lot of bpd stuff and I'm alienating everyone!!!

People are busy, too busy for my liking. Which leaves me feeling unwanted. REALLY unwanted. My poor bf has no fkn clue, but atm I'm convinced I never wanna speak to him again. My friends aren't speaking to me because I b1tched them out and told em I'm not using my phone until further notice. My daughter is obsessed with making me smile, and my family is walking on egg shells, admittedly too scared to even ask me to go pick up groceries.

Feels like nobody wants me, like I'm nobody's priority. Feels like I'm insignificant and unimportant. And I'm sick to death, sick to fkn death of convincing myself otherwise or asking for reassurance.

It makes me feel needy and pathetic and I DON'T WANNA BE EITHER!

I'm NOT looking forward to the new year, I wish I would just end already before it starts, but my daughter just had a birthday yesterday..

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
No feedback required, I'm just a hot miserable mess and I was gonna explode.

it's too late my friend...the new year is upon you...!!

it just hit me a couple hours ago...

it just hit me just how vulnerable I am when the entire human race gets excited about something that just damages me so much more...

I am forced to distrust the emotional equivalent of madness!...

this leaves me mental and naked and angry...

I have people I love ...

and yet I cannot expose myself to them in times of celebration because I am too terrible...

my moods cannot be defined by lifes' emotional luxuries!

...I am strange...

I am also perfect...

but best left to my devices

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Argh, I don't even want to type this but journalling seems too lame right now...

I'M SICK OF THIS FKN BULLSHYT! SICK OF IT!

I've been miserable as all fk since boxing day, first day in months, thanks to a glorious bipolar hypomania. But it hit me so hard, so fast I just couldn't deal with waking up so completely heartbroken for no reason. Ended up taking a bunch of pills to sleep it off, but it backfired because I ended up with severe nausea, dizzyness and shakiness for 24 hrs instead of sleep.

This is definitly a bipolar thing because it was random, but now its triggered such a lot of bpd stuff and I'm alienating everyone!!!

People are busy, too busy for my liking. Which leaves me feeling unwanted. REALLY unwanted. My poor bf has no fkn clue, but atm I'm convinced I never wanna speak to him again. My friends aren't speaking to me because I b1tched them out and told em I'm not using my phone until further notice. My daughter is obsessed with making me smile, and my family is walking on egg shells, admittedly too scared to even ask me to go pick up groceries.

Feels like nobody wants me, like I'm nobody's priority. Feels like I'm insignificant and unimportant. And I'm sick to death, sick to fkn death of convincing myself otherwise or asking for reassurance.

It makes me feel needy and pathetic and I DON'T WANNA BE EITHER!

I'm NOT looking forward to the new year, I wish I would just end already before it starts, but my daughter just had a birthday yesterday..

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
No feedback required, I'm just a hot miserable mess and I was gonna explode.

Bless your daughter's heart for making want to smile

Oddly enough, when NON's are walking on egg shells- it's actually a sign that they do care about you. If they didn't care, they wouldn't go outta their way to do so.

Maybe you are being needy at the moment, but you're not pathetic.

I'm a NON and I have times of neediness too, so don't be too hard on yourself.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks Truth

Its not that their actions anger me or anything, its more like a reality check: Am I behaving thAt badly?

My daughter is a Godesend
She said I don't have to lecture her on how my happiness isn't her responsibility. Said she knows this and understands that bipolar moods just cannot be helped but I shouldn't blame her for atleast trying to cheer me up.

She just turned 10 but seems like such an old soul...

I hope today's mood trend continues, I really do. It was baseline, gosh how I love baseline.

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thanks Truth

Its not that their actions anger me or anything, its more like a reality check: Am I behaving thAt badly?

My daughter is a Godesend
She said I don't have to lecture her on how my happiness isn't her responsibility. Said she knows this and understands that bipolar moods just cannot be helped but I shouldn't blame her for atleast trying to cheer me up.

She just turned 10 but seems like such an old soul...

I hope today's mood trend continues, I really do. It was baseline, gosh how I love baseline.

I see, and I'm glad you're feeling better. I think I can relate to what you are saying to a degree. Not often, but sometimes when I wake-up I'll be irritated from the get go, and not necessarily irritated with anyone in general, just irritated... if that makes any sense.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Truth in Ruin

I see, and I'm glad you're feeling better. I think I can relate to what you are saying to a degree. Not often, but sometimes when I wake-up I'll be irritated from the get go, and not necessarily irritated with anyone in general, just irritated... if that makes any sense.

Trust me, you make perfect sense.
That's my reality in 1 way or another every 2 weeks, except magnify the mood to long lasting and life altering and also crank up the irritation to skin crawling I wanna burn the house down level

Thank you for the taking the time to try and step in my shoes I appreciate it