[BarelyMakingIt]

So here's my current situation... I have a friend, things seemed to be going well, I just saw him Monday night and he mentioned that he might come back over the next night (last night). Yesterday we were texting each other for a good part of the day, then at some point he stopped answering my texts. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but it's was still at the back of my mind. I was hoping to get a Happy New Year text from him, just something that let me know I was still on his mind, it never came. So I went to sleep hoping that I would have one by the time I woke up, it wasn't there. So I sent him a Happy New Year text, I don't know why, now I'm anticipating a reply that I might never get.

I'm hoping there is a logical reason for him not answering me. I always try to think that way but now matter how much I try to think that it doesn't change the thoughts or feelings that I have that he has finally decided to stop dealing with me. No matter how much I know that he would never just up and stop talking to me out the blue, it doesn't change anything. Yesterday got pretty bad for me and my thought control and I don't know, I guess because of the holiday and the want to feel needed and thought of.

Now, I don't think it has even been an hour since I sent the text but pretty much when I didn't get an answer immediately I just wanted to send him something saying that I get that he's done talking to me and I understand. I want to give him a way out. I usually can fight the urge to do this but right now it makes sense to me. Right now, I really think that he's done so I just want to let him know that I know, and tell him it's ok and that I understand. He's really been one of the most positive people in my life recently. I have pushed him away and confused him but he has been so patient, I don't want to confuse him now. I want to give him a chance to enjoy the holiday, even if I don't . Also give him a chance to get in back in touch with me and show me that he's still there.

I'm also feeling kind of down because I made a pumpkin pie for him on Monday. I was hoping to hear back from him that he liked it, but he hasn't said anything yet. Now I'm thinking that he didn't like it . I even mentioned yet yesterday jokingly in text and he didn't even reply to them. So I'm thinking that's part of the reason that he isn't talking to me now, if that is even the case. It's just frustrating to think that you have someone there that cares and they disappear when you really need to hear from them.

Just for clarification, I have not been diagnosed with BPD as of yet and I haven't told him that I have it or what I think might be going on with me, I'm sure he's recognized that something is off though. I am pretty sure that I have BPD however and I intend to find help and get the proper diagnosis eventually.

Sorry this ended up being so long. Thank you to all the took the time to read it and Happy New Year to all of you.

[BarelyMakingIt]

I really don't want to go the route of writing him off but of course over this right now. I'm thinking of sending him something saying that I'm really having a hard time right now, and that I know he doesn't understand but I really hope he's happy today. I don't want to feel as though and I don't want to scare him. It would also make me feel worse if he still doesn't answer me. So I guess it's best just to not say anything at all, just to wait and wonder. I really want to hear from him though, I'm thinking of just calling him, I don't know if I should.

[beloiseau]

This sounds so hard, and it is so difficult to feel this way. I feel this way often with my friends, especially when I don't get the quick responses I like to get. It makes me feel abandoned. I think if you really value this friendship, which it sounds like you really do, you should open up to your friend and tell him your concerns about BPD and how you're feeling. It sounds like he would be totally supportive and willing to help you, maybe even more so if he has an idea what is going on.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Thank you beloiseau! I don't know why but you're response made me cry, more like tears of relief, not sadness. I really do want to tell him but I'm not really sure how. I'm also a little reluctant to because I told my mother and my longest standing friend so far, and didn't really get a supportive response from either one so that made me a little less hopeful. I really do want to tell him though because my relationship with him is really what helped me to see that there was something wrong with me possibly more serious than depression. I saw how I was doing those things when I had no reason to and I didn't know why and I couldn't stop myself I saw there was really a problem.

He hasn't responded emotionally to any of my episodes so far, and I think that's one of the things that really, really helped me see. I've done things that I was sure he would give up talking to me over but, he was so patient with me and made no accusations or anything, he just made sure he was still there. That made me the happiest that I've been in a long, long time. It didn't stop the doubts though, everyday just about I still wonder why he's still talking to me and when will I mess everything up. Being with him calms me on a level I've never felt before, he has the most amazing energy. Unfortunately on Monday though I couldn't even enjoy his company as well as I wanted, I kept having thoughts of mistakes that I've made and felt I wasn't able to connect with him how I really wanted but it was a still a special moment for me to be spending time with him.

I think that's why I'm having such a hard time now, because seeing him really meant a lot to me and he seemed as though he really wanted to see me again soon. I do trust him ultimately and i just wish that my thoughts and feelings always reflected that but I guess it's hard not to confuse those I love when I'm pretty much always confused.

[beloiseau]

I relate so much to everything you've said, you're definitely not alone in your emotions!! I struggle with the same things everyday, and I too haven't been supported by people when I've told them.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Here's an update: I did end up sending my friend another text, just letting him know that I was having a hard time and that I hoped to hear from him. He did respond and asked me to tell him what was going on. I let him know that I would tell him the next time I say him, I felt it was too much for texts and it's something that I really want to let him know in person. He really wanted me to tell him and be there for me though. This something that I know by now but just knowing doesn't change the feelings that I have sometimes and it still doesn't stop me from wondering why he is willing to be so good to me. Well, I am looking forward to telling him now, I do want him to be aware and I do really need someone to be there for me and willing to understand right now. I don't really have anyone else in my life right now that I can trust on that level so I'm very grateful that he is there for me.

I am glad you have someone you can lean on.....

Please do not fool yourself into believing that the is the ONLY person you can lean on.

We are all here for you....... anytime you need us - here we are.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

I am glad you have someone you can lean on.....

Please do not fool yourself into believing that the is the ONLY person you can lean on.

We are all here for you....... anytime you need us - here we are.

Thank you! I am very glad that I found this place, it is comforting to know that I am not alone!

[lynn808]

Keep in there and keep fighting.....we always question ourselves and seem to be more critical of ourselves than others. Always questioning why they care, how long will they care...what will I do wrong.... As we start to understand how the brain jumps.... we can learn to make it jump to the right conclusions-not the ones that blame us...it really will get better....But to have someone there for you is the best feeling...always hold onto that and let the fear go....hope you have a nice relaxing evening and a great and understanding chat with your friend....take care...thanks for reading

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

I am glad you have someone you can lean on.....

Please do not fool yourself into believing that the is the ONLY person you can lean on.

We are all here for you....... anytime you need us - here we are.

What useless said, we are all here for you when you need the support.