Ok so my ex lives states away. She gets money from me, without any court order to do so, regularly every 2 weeks. I have agreed that basically based on her having the boys a certain amount of time per year, the amount is fair. But that's where the catch is. Reality is, in the past 2 years, she's had them perhaps 4 or 5 weeks last summer, and Thanksgiving prior.

Christmas came and went and although she said she "wants to" have them for Christmas break some of the time, that never happened. No explanation, nothing from her. No gifts for her boys.. because though I hate to say this about anyone, she somehow is under the impression that the world has held her down, she's a victim of the mean-ness of the world, including me. ME, the one that takes care of her kids 99% of the year, feeds, clothes and shelters them day in and day out. While she lives with her bf in another state she CHOSE to move away from her kids to.

I am frankly, fed up. I'm so done with this. Called an attorney's office and plan to retain a lawyer and get it all over with. It all came to a head this past holiday. She NOT ONLY did not show up with no explanation to take them with her for a few days, she did not explain. She DID NOT talk to them. NO Merry Christmas, nothing. Not even gifts. They got Zip from her. She finally called on the 27th or something like that and acted like nothing was amiss and just wantte to talk to them. She did.

So recently we've moved. It cost me most of my finances for the month and in order to take care of having food for the remainder of this pay period I chose to sell the ps3. My son told her, which is fine. She said to them, now that she has a job (retail, best buy or something)she'd get them one and I couldn't sell it. Not only was this insulting, but had a serious air of judgement about it i didn't like. This person, who abandons her kids, got fired from 3 jobs in the past 18 months! Someone that is taking money from me, is going to judge me and comment on what I do with what i have?

So I called her on it, in email. I told her that it was a little insulting that she would do that. Her response was like the final nail to the coffin that represents my resolve to finish this. She replied basically she had no idea waht I was talking about and then added "I really do not need this right now" HONESTLY. That takes the cake. Living a life free of burden of her responsibilities as a mother. To play and live in technically infidelity even as we are separated. To party and all the stuff that a mid life crisis woman wants to do.. and she doesn't need it? Frankly this is not surprising as she has always been one to have a problem with people that call her on things that she is doing wrong.

I'm just done.

/end rant

[technigal]

In many ways it sounds like your boys would be better off without her at all. Hard for them yes but there will come a time when they will appreciate you. Your ex sounds like she is narcissistic and from what you said she sounds like my MIL. I hope you can end things soon.

And for what it's worth, you are not a bad guy from what I have seen.

I don't understand why you're giving your ex money when your kids are living with you?
I would stop paying her, She simply doesn't care about her kids and is selfish.

[joeyalias]

You definitely are not the bad guy.

You have been as reasonable as you can but there is always a limit to that there has to be.

[Truth in Ruin]

Bad guy? I don't see anything here that would support you being a bad guy.

She knows she's a half-*** mother, don't worry. She'll never admit to it, but she knows it.

[Trippin2.0]

I have seen no evidence of this bad guy you speak of

I think your ex wife dipping in and out of the boys lives willy nilly is very damaging behaviour. Its mostly why I keep my SOB exbf away from my daughter. He only remembers her existance maybe twice a year and I don't want her growing up confused and repeatedly hurt by his actions, inactions and perpetual broken promises.

The way I see it, I did it fast, like ripping off a band aid. Now she has 1 hurt to deal with and heal from, an absent father. Instead of adding a host of others that come from his appearing and disappearing acts.

Lucky for me though, she doesn't want to see him, so I'm not doing her an injustice by keeping them apart and she doesn't hold his absence against me. Things are admittedly trickier when the kids want the absent parent to be present.

I hope your lawyer helps you out soon so that you guys may come to a peaceful resolution. And FFS, stop giving that woman money!

I know what you're saying about money everyone. I know. I'm a peacekeeper though and not greedy. When all is said and done, I will be paying her whatever the law deems she deserves.

[Egoist]

I hope that law acts lawful and decides that you are the one who is suffering. She seems like a tyrant. That is... I don't know... Good luck to you dealing with her.

[hawaii04]

You are a good person trying to do what's best; kudos to you for your devotion to your children. I moved half way across the country (long story) for my boys to have a relationship with their Dad. He never wanted them. Honestly I think dabbling in and out is more confusing and hurtful depending on the circumstance than nothing at all ~ like rubbing salt in a wound. I tried so hard to get my ex to see the importance of time with them, so he would try .... kinda, half heartedly, occasionally... and because it created more damage, I wish I never did. But I DO give myself credit for having my heart in the right place. I had every reason to try to keep them away, but I didn't want to be the one responsible even with good cause. I came to realize that he was the only one failing them; their feelings had no bearing whatsoever. There comes a time when the whole court thing is necessary and will be beneficial for you and your kids. Good luck to you . . .

Wow. As a mother of two, I couldn't imagine being away from my kids like that. I hate it when my oldest is gone two days a week once or twice a month (on paper her dad has every weekend but doesn't take every weekend). I feel anxious and can't wait for her to come home. and even when I was using drugs I still made sure my daughter (only had one child when I was using) still had birthday and Christmas gifts.
I feel like it takes a real piece of **** to have kids and abandon them, no offense.
Proud of you that you are stepping up and being the parent your son's need you to be. You aren't at all the bad guy. You have been beyond understanding and nice before this point. I think going to court and having a judge sort the whole thing out is an exelent idea. Who knows, she might even be required to pay you lol.
Hang in there.

[shezbut]

I don't get it, sandman.

Yes, you loved her at a time in your life, and you had two wonderful children together. They are daily reminders of that love that was once there. Of course, you don't want your ex to suffer ~ or have to be "without".

Honestly though, it doesn't sound as though she's trying very hard to keep a solid and healthy relationship with her boys. I have a difficult time understanding that concept, but I have a sister who has a similar way of life (whom I can't help but love), so I can relate to your situation a bit.

From my personal experience with divorce, I know that the court considers alimony a way to keep the other living similarly to the way that you used to live together. If/when that person re-marries, that's the end of alimony. Child support is an entirely separate concept. My ex-hub's alimony and my child support essentially cancelled the other out. Have you considered looking into that side of things in your case? It is a very personal decision, I know. But, you shouldn't have to pay alimony to her if she isn't going to play an active, healthy and regular role in her son's lives I don't think. I'm sure that the court would side with you as well. Something to think about anyway...

Sorry that you're having a tough time with your ex.

[Big Mama]

You are such a good dad. Your boys are so lucky to have you. I can't imagine what there future would be like if you didn;t do the things you do and care so much.

I understand about you being a peace keeper and giving your ex wife money. It stinks, it is not fair, but you do what you gotta do to keep the peace. You may very well be required by law to give her something anyway. It is better to just give it to her that way she can never say " I didn't receive any support" and you end up having to pay later on down the road. It's not fair and not right but I am glad you are willing to do what is right anyway. It is an extra big sign of good character that you are providing with her with what you may not be required to.

You boys are so lucky and when they grow up and for there own opinions I hope they appreciate all you have done for them. I am sure they will.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I know what you're saying about money everyone. I know. I'm a peacekeeper though and not greedy.

This is the problem, with like... everything in existence.

It is not greedy behavior to refuse to handout money to someone who has no claim to it.

The easy way to solve this situation, even if you didn't want to get lawyers involved, and to do it "fairly", but still be providing for your children [which makes no sense to me- she is the children's mother, but does not have to ever provide for them financially in any way? even on the rare occasions they spend time with her?]---

She submits receipts to you for reimbursement.
If you proposed this to her you would get a lot of "oh that's not fair blah blah blah".

But it would be, completely fair.
And there would be proof that she is spending money on the kids, not on whatever the hell she pleases.

Frankly, if you get a lawyer involved and you have sole custody... she may end up paying child support.

I dont know nothin' about nothin'... but that makes way more sense.

you are not greedy because you resist giving away money.

No. Nope.
not at all.

wanting to keep your money does not equal greed.
Dont you believe it.

Also, I would puch for explicit and scheduled visitation and weekly scheduled phonecalls or something.
As someone previously mentioned- this randomness can be very damaging.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Ok so my ex lives states away. She gets money from me, without any court order to do so, regularly every 2 weeks. I have agreed that basically based on her having the boys a certain amount of time per year, the amount is fair. But that's where the catch is. Reality is, in the past 2 years, she's had them perhaps 4 or 5 weeks last summer, and Thanksgiving prior.

Christmas came and went and although she said she "wants to" have them for Christmas break some of the time, that never happened. No explanation, nothing from her. No gifts for her boys.. because though I hate to say this about anyone, she somehow is under the impression that the world has held her down, she's a victim of the mean-ness of the world, including me. ME, the one that takes care of her kids 99% of the year, feeds, clothes and shelters them day in and day out. While she lives with her bf in another state she CHOSE to move away from her kids to.

I am frankly, fed up. I'm so done with this. Called an attorney's office and plan to retain a lawyer and get it all over with. It all came to a head this past holiday. She NOT ONLY did not show up with no explanation to take them with her for a few days, she did not explain. She DID NOT talk to them. NO Merry Christmas, nothing. Not even gifts. They got Zip from her. She finally called on the 27th or something like that and acted like nothing was amiss and just wantte to talk to them. She did.

So recently we've moved. It cost me most of my finances for the month and in order to take care of having food for the remainder of this pay period I chose to sell the ps3. My son told her, which is fine. She said to them, now that she has a job (retail, best buy or something)she'd get them one and I couldn't sell it. Not only was this insulting, but had a serious air of judgement about it i didn't like. This person, who abandons her kids, got fired from 3 jobs in the past 18 months! Someone that is taking money from me, is going to judge me and comment on what I do with what i have?

So I called her on it, in email. I told her that it was a little insulting that she would do that. Her response was like the final nail to the coffin that represents my resolve to finish this. She replied basically she had no idea waht I was talking about and then added "I really do not need this right now" HONESTLY. That takes the cake. Living a life free of burden of her responsibilities as a mother. To play and live in technically infidelity even as we are separated. To party and all the stuff that a mid life crisis woman wants to do.. and she doesn't need it? Frankly this is not surprising as she has always been one to have a problem with people that call her on things that she is doing wrong.

I'm just done.

/end rant

Wow. I'm seriously aching for your boys. I cannot for the life of me understand this kind of behavior. My son sees his dad every other weekend and by Sunday, I'm clawing at the walls to get him back.

You NEED to take care of this, and the sooner the better. I don't know how she can live with herself and I pray everything works out for those boys and for you.

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Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

Wow. I'm seriously aching for your boys. I cannot for the life of me understand this kind of behavior. My son sees his dad every other weekend and by Sunday, I'm clawing at the walls to get him back.

You NEED to take care of this, and the sooner the better. I don't know how she can live with herself and I pray everything works out for those boys and for you.

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Thanks so much. I do what I can for them, but I'm no mom. Not that theirs would be even if she were around. She's way too self absorbed to give them much.. but even so I am only dad and can only be that... leaves a big empty spot, I know.

[UnderTheRose]

You're a great guy, not a bad guy.
Heck, when my kids dad was on his meds and off the crack, and would actually be 'ok' enough to take them for a weekend or two even THEN he would be trying to get his 175/mnth to me lowered. 'well i had them three days this month, and uh 175 divided by 30 is x amount of dollars, so i'lll deduct x number of dollars for those three days this month' --- if you have custody, then she should be paying You, not the other way around and I am quite sure the child support/alimony would at least cancel each other out.
You aren't greedy and that's great, but then maybe give the money you give to her to a children's or city charity or something Would probably go to better use or better yet, use it for a new Playstation for the boys

Originally Posted by UnderTheRose

You're a great guy, not a bad guy.
Heck, when my kids dad was on his meds and off the crack, and would actually be 'ok' enough to take them for a weekend or two even THEN he would be trying to get his 175/mnth to me lowered. 'well i had them three days this month, and uh 175 divided by 30 is x amount of dollars, so i'lll deduct x number of dollars for those three days this month' --- if you have custody, then she should be paying You, not the other way around and I am quite sure the child support/alimony would at least cancel each other out.
You aren't greedy and that's great, but then maybe give the money you give to her to a children's or city charity or something Would probably go to better use or better yet, use it for a new Playstation for the boys

The idea of using the money to give to them or a charity is a good one and I'll admit it didn't enter my mind. Thank you for that.

It will work out. I think you're right but I don't feel like arguing this with her directly anymore and with an attorney I'd have some backing.

[UnderTheRose]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

It will work out. I think you're right but I don't feel like arguing this with her directly anymore and with an attorney I'd have some backing.

Oh absolutely! I agree 100%. Can't beat legal backing. Especially when situations that involve children and emotions are concerned. Best of luck with all of this. I am sure it will work out too.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

You are such a good dad. Your boys are so lucky to have you. I can't imagine what there future would be like if you didn;t do the things you do and care so much.

I understand about you being a peace keeper and giving your ex wife money. It stinks, it is not fair, but you do what you gotta do to keep the peace. You may very well be required by law to give her something anyway. It is better to just give it to her that way she can never say " I didn't receive any support" and you end up having to pay later on down the road. It's not fair and not right but I am glad you are willing to do what is right anyway. It is an extra big sign of good character that you are providing with her with what you may not be required to.

You boys are so lucky and when they grow up and for there own opinions I hope they appreciate all you have done for them. I am sure they will.

I know that as many others have said though the way she's played her cards (badly) she may well end up being the one to owe or at least it might be that she deserves $0. She cannot base her income on what she makes now, as She has made for over ten yrs previously, up to $15 or so an hour full time. Regular and professional work. NC would impute income based on what she's capable of and that would hinder her ability to get much anyway. This could also hinge on how much time she sees them. In this area she's messed up by leaving the state and willingly leaving them with me. She can spout of all she wants trying to make me look bad now but by the fact that she willingly left me with them is an admission that I am fit in her mind to take care of her kids. Leaving the state, not seeing them could be deemed as abandonment. As for alimony, or as they call it here, spousal support, it would hinge on her ability to make a decent living. Again, 1. they could impute her ability to work based on her professional past and 2. co habitating with a boyfriend or the opposite sex that one has a relationship with is something that typically will cancel out the validity of a support claim.

She gets money from me and I'm wondering if this may be a hindrance not to her but to me. I'm guessing a lawyer is goign to tell me to stop paying her until I get a court order.

anyway all of this costs money and that's the only show stopper or I'd do it right now.

Originally Posted by shezbut

I don't get it, sandman.

Yes, you loved her at a time in your life, and you had two wonderful children together. They are daily reminders of that love that was once there. Of course, you don't want your ex to suffer ~ or have to be "without".

Honestly though, it doesn't sound as though she's trying very hard to keep a solid and healthy relationship with her boys. I have a difficult time understanding that concept, but I have a sister who has a similar way of life (whom I can't help but love), so I can relate to your situation a bit.

From my personal experience with divorce, I know that the court considers alimony a way to keep the other living similarly to the way that you used to live together. If/when that person re-marries, that's the end of alimony. Child support is an entirely separate concept. My ex-hub's alimony and my child support essentially cancelled the other out. Have you considered looking into that side of things in your case? It is a very personal decision, I know. But, you shouldn't have to pay alimony to her if she isn't going to play an active, healthy and regular role in her son's lives I don't think. I'm sure that the court would side with you as well. Something to think about anyway...

Sorry that you're having a tough time with your ex.

Yes I understand the idea behind alimony and child support and how they are separate. here in NC as I've read up on it, it's calle spousal support. Pretty sure I won't have to worry about it since even co-habitating with a significant other will pretty much rule out spousal support. Not 100% but likely not gonna be smiled upon.

I know what I know about all the issues at hand I just need attorneys to work out and clarify anythign I'm not right on or confirm what I am with and give me backing to get this all done. Regardless of the outcome at least it will all be legal. If they say fight for custody, at this point I'm not against that idea with her having solely visitational rights. I thought she'd come around but clearly after 2 years she's not changing a damn thing.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Thanks so much. I do what I can for them, but I'm no mom. Not that theirs would be even if she were around. She's way too self absorbed to give them much.. but even so I am only dad and can only be that... leaves a big empty spot, I know.

Personally, it's better to have her as uninvolved as possible rather than float in and out. Your boys deserve better. At least they have you. You be dad, and as they get older, try explaining to them that their momma loves them, but just isn't capable of being loving.

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