Becoming obsessed with people

Hi everyone, I was recently diagnosed with BP and it's been suggested by quite a few people including my psychologist that I may have BPD as well/instead & that perhaps I need to see my psychiatrist again. Regardless of what it is, I seem to have a problem of getting quite obsessed with people. I thought it might be a BP thing but not many people on the BP forum could relate (post below). Can anyone here relate to what I'm saying, I feel quite alone in this.

(Post from BP forum):

Hi (I'm new!)

I've recently been diagnosed with BP and I'm trying to work out what's my bipolar and what is me!I can figure out most of it, but haven't read much on this (with BP) so I was wondering if anyone could tell me if they have experienced anything I say?

When I meet new friends I become pretty obsessed with them, I put them on a pedestal and nothing they do is wrong. I make them in to some sort of hero and become really upset if I don't hear back from them. I even would go as far to say that the feelings are so strong I really think I love them.

I do the same with other things - once I get an idea in my head I can't let it go, I have to have it or do it, and this has resulted in really disastrous things, the end of relationships because I thought I desperately needed to get married, or spending all my money on the latest phone just because I got the idea that I needed it in my head.

Is this normal to anyone else? Does it sound familiar? Mostly the bit about friends worries me more than anything.


(Added now)
I also go through the same sort of cycle with my partner. I love her and she's my whole world one minute, then the next I hate her, or atleast don't feel anything towards her and can't remember the feelings of love I had, I just 'know' I must love her. It makes things very difficult, especially when I become obsessed with other people, and jealousy starts to enter into it.

I'll leave it there as it's a long post, but thank you in advance everyone for reading.

x

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Hi, I relate to everything you posted and have BPD/BP--probably another one of the anxiety spectrum.

I'm surprised you didn't get responses as this sounds pretty typical borderline (from what you wrote alone.....I cannot say from this nor am I qualified to do so).

Splitting is an event in which we have emotions that are too strong in either direction. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth..I forget who said that.

The first guy I tried to date I met once, when I was 18, and thought I was in love with him. Granted, we talked for a month or so over the phone prior to meeting. We did like eachother a lot, but I would call him all the time because he said his other boyfriends never called him that much.

He eventually said he thought it would not work, given how much attention I was giving him (I'd call 3-4x a day).

I still like him, and do believe I would have been happy with him. But this was a strong idealization.

I've also had a friend who I idealized so much that I let her do things that I knew were completely stupid.

Then I hated her.

I'm not so sure the latter was a bad thing, as I was drinking far too much and was taking in heroin addicts who offered the drug to me. I stay away from hard drugs and alcohol because I've been, at some point, addicted to most of them.

This all gets worse in manic phases for me. I feel like I cannot relate at all to fantastical depictions of borderlines in movies until I become manic.

Then I swill split people in seconds. I lost all my GOOD friends by splitting them during a manic episode, largely caused by heavy alcohol consumption.

My real dad was an alcoholic, so I could drink people under a table. I found out this was not a good thing.

In short:
This is actually very common for us all I'd imagine--the "quiet" and "typical" borderlines, alike.

I'm actually going to get a tattoo of Occam's Razor once I finish my MS and land my first career job. I think it's really important for scientists AND to a larger extent--borderlines or those with borderline traits

OR in Enlgish

When we idealize, we are going far past sufficient to explain things.

Would you say that a leaky faucet was caused by Earth's gravitational change due to the Moon's placement (silly no? even to a layperson)

I mean, sure, you could, but it'd be WAYY past sufficient. It's most like the fact that you have a valve problem

Same with idealizing/hatred. Does it make sense that a person smiling at you wants to be with you for the rest of your life, or is it common courtesy socially?

Does it make sense that a person has become evil or that they did something perhaps a little unscrupulous and have reasons?

I hope this helps. I am having a tendency to write novels now. Sorry about that. Kinda hyper.

No, please don't apologise, that has helped tremendously!

When I saw my psychiatrist and got diagnosed I was really depressed and was more focused on my moods and my anger, and I guess we/he/I skipped over a large part of what I do.

I feel so rejected if they don't message me back, and I say things I know I shouldn't. I'm so happy with my girlfriend, but I end up telling people how fit they are, I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve, do I just want them to want me? I really don't know. And it damages my relationship a lot. And my friendship.

I have an overwhelming need to feel needed or wanted or important. I don't understand why.

Like I said, I'm so happy in my relationship, but I can't let go of past relationships. I can't go to certain places because it reminds me of them. And I can't let go of one of my ex's. She left me before I got to the hatred stage - so all the memories I have of her are in the first stage. Her being perfect and on a pedestal, and I can't let her go. She's a horrible person but I can only remember the things that made me feel like she was amazing. I know that my partner now is amazing, I've been through the love and the hatred and fell in love all over again. But I can't let my ex go. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

Sorry, this is my novel now!! In short, thank you so very much for your response, you have helped a whole lot! That tattoo is a great idea, too.

x

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Don't feel bad. A lot of us feel unwanted. I actually say sorry almost by default because I assume I've kind of wasted the person's time or taxed their patience.

So even though I know I do it, it's not easy to break.

Telling people they're attractive. Hmm, it depends.

I love beauty--in nature/the world. I'm 100% gay, but I've told women how pretty they were and meant it.

Maybe you just like that? And once you see them take the compliment, you are sure they don't dislike you because they give you a smile--something unambiguous.

Compliments normally allow people to put their guards down a bit, as long as it isn't oddly placed or creepy (which it can be for us sometimes if it's overwrought). It's a coping mechanism even used by non-bpds.

I like to make people happy, and I like to feel wanted and I think the only way I've known in the past to feel wanted is in a sexual way, as bad as that sounds. So even though in totally settled, I still need to feel wanted and that's the only way I know how. That's how I've interpreted it anyway.

Thank you so much for you responses, you've been so helpful and very kind.

I am not a pdoc but it certainly sounds like BPD behavour. Have you looked at the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD? When I was being diagnosed I did a little bit of reading and it was like I was reading my life history, everything just fit. I found the most helpful book to be "BPD for Dummies", at the time I was reading it I could not focus on anything too technical but the for dummies book really broke things down for me.

Yup, I feel exactly the same. As much as I try, I can't stop thinking about them and longing to be with them.

I hate to admit it but this is very true for me. I was really overboard recently and was convinced that the guy I was seeing would be the one I end up marrying. I also did not see how bad I was until I was out of the situation. Not good at all.

This is definitely true for me. Before I even started dating my ex-fiance, I told myself I could see myself marrying him. 2 years later, the relationship was done and I despised him. He did do some shady things, he hacked my phone and laptop and spied on me using other people, very controlling, kept pushing marriage on me, etc. But even before I started resenting him for those things (because like others with BPD, I didn't see anything wrong with it at first, I just thought Wow he must REALLY love me!), I just woke up one day and didn't love him anymore and wanted to be alone again. Before him, I was violently obsessed with staying together with my sons "sperm donor" even after I broke up with him and he ended up walking out of my sons life because of that. I would call/text obsessively, message his friends and his family where he was, play the "poor me" game, and other behaviors I'm not proud of/cant say because of triggering.....I see now how terrible it was and if it was anyone else, I'd call them crazy right off the bat but in that moment, I thought it was perfectly normal and thats what scares me...

I am dating one of my longtime guy friends now and its been a couple months and going really well...I try to fight off any ideas that are "too soon" and try not to plan things out like I used to (like by the 6 month mark we should be saying I love you and stuff like that), I'm just trying to let it go naturally but its hard cuz I'm not sure how to do that...this is my first relationship where I've been treated and "better". I have stopped with the obsessive texting/calling, its been a couple years since I did that....but I do get down and irritated when he doesn't text me back after a while or I wont text him back on purpose for a while, but then I'm completely normal and happy when I see him or he calls me....I've only talked to a him a few times about my issues and he did call me a lot while I was in the hospital last year when we were still just friends...so I know he cares and hes there for me and sometimes I tell him everything thats bothering me and other times I act like nothing is wrong and that I dont have anything wrong with me...I do that with other friends as well, I dont talk about my issues at all to my family anymore...

So sorry to also write a book, this place is the only place I feel comfortable opening up like this. But I do hope that kinda helps!

This sounds so much like me. I did want my children's father to stay even though he was horrible to me. Then the last guy that I was seeing, I convinced myself that I was going to marry him 3 years before we started seeing each other. We barely made it to 6 months though, I was really, really bad with him. I think I was trying too hard to be perfect, always doing and saying the right thing that I stopped just being myself. We probably wouldn't have worked out either way. I'm just embarrassed by the way things ended.

Thanks so much for all the sharing!

I really relate to that last part of your OP, hugsfromajellyfish. I am married to the undisputed love-of-my-life/best friend/soul mate, with whom I have been all-consumingly in love etc. Yet there have been times I could not feel any love at all. At first it was after real or perceived let down by him or an 'unsuccessful fight', so I wasn't too worried about not feeling loving. But more recently, when I came to recognise that some of my 'stuff' was pretty inordinate and he was really trying to reach me, I was utterly devastated that I could not find feelings of love for this man and could even get very good at seeing him in a rather nasty light and as though he had caused it by emotionally/romantically abandoning me.

Only lately, with better understanding of BPD in myself, was I able realise that the trait of swinging from idealizing to demonising could occur within a stable relationship and that was all it was.

So thank you for sharing that, hugsfromajellyfish, cos I've been really curious as to whether other BPDers experienced that. (Good thing was, once I realised that, I also discovered I could will myself toward bits of lovingness and thereby give him something to build on and thereby build up my feelings, rather than expect him to turn it all back on by himself!)

Omg, yes to just about everything that's been said! I was first diagnosed with bipolar because of huge violent manias. Later, I showed severe borderline behaviour towards my husband.

I get super attached to friends and I also have an ex that I just can't let go of (mentally).

I constantly compliment my friends about their attractive features, but I no longer say it because of personal satisfaction as it's a mutual behaviour. I say it bc we're all very close and I want to see their self esteem rise.

This all sounds like classic borderline and I'm also surprised you didn't get responses.

Does anybody know if borderline behaviour lessens with age?

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Can I just say a massive thank you to everyone who has responded - it really has helped me not feel alone and I'm going back to my psychiatrist too.
You're all lovely people thank you!!! X

Yes, what you have posted does sound a lot like BPD symptoms. I was pretty extreme with obsessing about people for the longest time. I find myself doing it from time to time, but I usually get a handle on it. BPD sucks, but I promise overtime the symptoms do slow down. I am proof of it!

Thank you derangedcandy!

Anyone who answered saying they understand, and anyone who didn't to be honest, does anyone have any advice to help my partner? She's really struggling with me spending so much time with one person and becoming obsessed with them and really doesn't know how to cope with it. Nor do I! I'm putting this girl before my relationship but I can't help it, this girl says jump and I can't help but say how high...
any advice would be great. xx

Wow yeah I so can relate. I haven't had an obsession for a while now. I am also very jealous is the person is close to anyone else. It's so intense! To start with it feels nice but then it's just plain uncomfortable!

It's usually men that I become obsessed with. I never take things any further because I am married but I would take them further whilst single and ended up in a lot of trouble because of it.

Anyway, I understand and it does sound BPD to me.

IMO you need to distance yourself from this girl. Your relationship with your partner is what matters here. So yeah if it was me, I would cut all contact for now. It's gonna hurt to cut all ties, it will hurt a lot but you have to think about what's more important to you