[Withered-Rose79]

How can you love and adore someone SO VERY MUCH for so long, only to wake up one day and realize you no longer have feelings for them? I'm not talking about the usual rollercoaster ride of love/hate emotions that come and go on a daily basis. I've spent 4 years with this man, craving his touch, his love and his attention. We've lived together 2 of those 4 years and he has been my oxygen. I've begged him to acknowledge and seek help for his own mental health issues so that hopefully our relationship will last forever. Some of his problems include lying, stealing, manipulation, feeling entitled, being very reclusive, and so on. I think he has seen me pulling away from him and has decided that if he wants to keep me he needs to work on himself. At the same time, I've begun to evaluate our relationship and part of me feels that I have loved him so deeply for all the wrong reasons. I don't love him for the person that he is, I love him because he hasn't abandoned me. He has been a presence in my life when I had no one else. Having him there has brought me security. When I stand back and look at him without being blinded by the fear of being alone, I don't like the person that he is. I don't like our life together; we have nothing whatsoever in common beyond our mental health issues. And it's bad enough that my children have to suffer my ups and downs, they shouldn't be made to suffer his as well. So while he's waking up and deciding he wants this relationship to last forever, I'm waking up and deciding that maybe I don't. I don't know...

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79

How can you love and adore someone SO VERY MUCH for so long, only to wake up one day and realize you no longer have feelings for them? I'm not talking about the usual rollercoaster ride of love/hate emotions that come and go on a daily basis. I've spent 4 years with this man, craving his touch, his love and his attention. We've lived together 2 of those 4 years and he has been my oxygen. I've begged him to acknowledge and seek help for his own mental health issues so that hopefully our relationship will last forever. Some of his problems include lying, stealing, manipulation, feeling entitled, being very reclusive, and so on. I think he has seen me pulling away from him and has decided that if he wants to keep me he needs to work on himself. At the same time, I've begun to evaluate our relationship and part of me feels that I have loved him so deeply for all the wrong reasons. I don't love him for the person that he is, I love him because he hasn't abandoned me. He has been a presence in my life when I had no one else. Having him there has brought me security. When I stand back and look at him without being blinded by the fear of being alone, I don't like the person that he is. I don't like our life together; we have nothing whatsoever in common beyond our mental health issues. And it's bad enough that my children have to suffer my ups and downs, they shouldn't be made to suffer his as well. So while he's waking up and deciding he wants this relationship to last forever, I'm waking up and deciding that maybe I don't. I don't know...

i think you are starting to see this man for what he really is and deciding that maybe this isn't for you, noticing you have nothing in common, the lies and theft & the fact that you don't like the life you guys have together. being alone and starting over can be very difficult, especially for us. i hate being alone and it's only been four months for me, i'm not sure if it was the right thing to break up with my ex( at the time i thought it was) but in the end you have to do what is best for you and your children. i guess my question is do you think he can change? is it worth it for you to wait around to see if he is going to follow through? you got a tough situation on your hands that's for sure. i don't know if i would give up hope yet, but in the end you have to take care of you

[Samwise_23]

Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79

How can you love and adore someone SO VERY MUCH for so long, only to wake up one day and realize you no longer have feelings for them? I'm not talking about the usual rollercoaster ride of love/hate emotions that come and go on a daily basis. I've spent 4 years with this man, craving his touch, his love and his attention. We've lived together 2 of those 4 years and he has been my oxygen. I've begged him to acknowledge and seek help for his own mental health issues so that hopefully our relationship will last forever. Some of his problems include lying, stealing, manipulation, feeling entitled, being very reclusive, and so on. I think he has seen me pulling away from him and has decided that if he wants to keep me he needs to work on himself. At the same time, I've begun to evaluate our relationship and part of me feels that I have loved him so deeply for all the wrong reasons. I don't love him for the person that he is, I love him because he hasn't abandoned me. He has been a presence in my life when I had no one else. Having him there has brought me security. When I stand back and look at him without being blinded by the fear of being alone, I don't like the person that he is. I don't like our life together; we have nothing whatsoever in common beyond our mental health issues. And it's bad enough that my children have to suffer my ups and downs, they shouldn't be made to suffer his as well. So while he's waking up and deciding he wants this relationship to last forever, I'm waking up and deciding that maybe I don't. I don't know...

Sorry but; I think you have already made the decision, the evidence is there before you. A old friend once told me "any decision you make, however serious, must be right; you have to live with it"

Remember you are worth more and shouldn't take second place. Sorry and good luck in equal measures. My last relationship lasted 7 years, a recent record.

Paul

[ginaaa22]

Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79

How can you love and adore someone SO VERY MUCH for so long, only to wake up one day and realize you no longer have feelings for them? I'm not talking about the usual rollercoaster ride of love/hate emotions that come and go on a daily basis. I've spent 4 years with this man, craving his touch, his love and his attention. We've lived together 2 of those 4 years and he has been my oxygen. I've begged him to acknowledge and seek help for his own mental health issues so that hopefully our relationship will last forever. Some of his problems include lying, stealing, manipulation, feeling entitled, being very reclusive, and so on. I think he has seen me pulling away from him and has decided that if he wants to keep me he needs to work on himself. At the same time, I've begun to evaluate our relationship and part of me feels that I have loved him so deeply for all the wrong reasons. I don't love him for the person that he is, I love him because he hasn't abandoned me. He has been a presence in my life when I had no one else. Having him there has brought me security. When I stand back and look at him without being blinded by the fear of being alone, I don't like the person that he is. I don't like our life together; we have nothing whatsoever in common beyond our mental health issues. And it's bad enough that my children have to suffer my ups and downs, they shouldn't be made to suffer his as well. So while he's waking up and deciding he wants this relationship to last forever, I'm waking up and deciding that maybe I don't. I don't know...

I felt the same way that you feel. I got married at 18 to someone who I thought I could not live without. At first everything was great. All of the little things he did I told myself that they wouldnt bother me or I would get used to them. This included not working, doing drugs, "kickin it" being lazy, not helping around the house, lying and being manipulative. Now looking back, (I didnt know I had BPD at this time) I think I loved the sense of security and him being dependant on me for money and somewhere to live. This made me feel like he would never abandon me. He also made my BPD alot worse and as time went on things got worse and worse. I started to see that the things I thought I could overlook couldnt be overlooked anymore. They really started to bother me. Part of me for a long time didnt want to leave because I was scared to be alone. When I did leave I had a huge support system and things got alot better. I took some time off from dating and within the next year I found someone else who is completely amazing and 100% different from my husband. We have been engaged now for a year and plan to get married soon. Follow your guy instinct. Lifes too short to be unhappy.

[littlemiss44]

Sounds like you already have yr answer hun. His traits and values are different than your own. It's so easy to stay with someone esp when we hate to be alone. I lived with a lying sociopath for 7 years because I was afraid of leaving...of being alone. In the end it was easy to leave him and it was for many reasons. He ended up stealing my pain pills for the second time so I had him arrested. Yes he got in alot of trouble but he did it to himself. He was very manipulative and moody. He had major mental health issues that he wouldn't follow thru on. It's like he went to one appt here and there to please me and keep me quiet. He had me snowed for so many years. I have alot of guilt that I put my kids thru it all. I feel like I missed out on their childhood from being with him. I can't get the time back and it hurts my heart to think about it. So please think of yr kids with this. You need to enjoy yr precious time with them and they need you. You would be much happier on yr own even tho the thought of it makes you feel scared. You can do it and we'll be here to support you all the way. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more. I'll be here for you and I know you are suffering and I don't want you to. Take care of yr self and yr children. Sending hugs yr way.

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[waiting4]

I have to agree with all comments above and add a quick note...when my second ex-husband and I got together, we were in a world of trouble...both separated from awful spouses, struggling to find work and nearly homeless. He was 'everything' to me...my rock, my salvation, you name the cliche' he fit it. And I was equally his. We were passionate beyond belief, worked wonderfully together (found employment together) and after nearly 3 years we finally had a home, good jobs, security.

And the moment we weren't actively involved saving each other, the love just...died. I started to look ... really look at him. He was still handsome but suddenly I was no longer physically attracted to him; he was annoying, stubborn, opinionated...we had NOTHING in common. It was just about keeping each other from drowning in all the drama of our lives...and once that was successful, there was nothing left.

We 'broke up' soon after, but remained friends, of a sort. It does happen that when a relationship is dependant on a specific that doesn't necessarily include mutual, fully nurtured and complete 'love'...that a person can find themselves no longer 'in love'. It sounds like you've reached this place.

I wish you well.

Sorry for your pain.................

[Withered-Rose79]

Originally Posted by waiting4

I have to agree with all comments above and add a quick note...when my second ex-husband and I got together, we were in a world of trouble...both separated from awful spouses, struggling to find work and nearly homeless. He was 'everything' to me...my rock, my salvation, you name the cliche' he fit it. And I was equally his. We were passionate beyond belief, worked wonderfully together (found employment together) and after nearly 3 years we finally had a home, good jobs, security.

And the moment we weren't actively involved saving each other, the love just...died. I started to look ... really look at him. He was still handsome but suddenly I was no longer physically attracted to him; he was annoying, stubborn, opinionated...we had NOTHING in common. It was just about keeping each other from drowning in all the drama of our lives...and once that was successful, there was nothing left.

We 'broke up' soon after, but remained friends, of a sort. It does happen that when a relationship is dependant on a specific that doesn't necessarily include mutual, fully nurtured and complete 'love'...that a person can find themselves no longer 'in love'. It sounds like you've reached this place.

I wish you well.

I hadn't thought about it like that, but that sounds pretty accurate. He's been my crutch while I've gotten my life in some sort of order. Now that I've reached that point, I can see more clearly what's right in front of me, and I don't like what I see...

[Harmacy]

I can relate to this. Having BPD sometimes means we live through our emotions and everything becomes about how we feel and also projecting that onto those around us (feeling we are responsible for their feelings too).

I've been in awful relationships where I felt stuck in emotions and suddenly had a calm rational realization that I have a choice.

Don't rush into anything. Take your time and start accepting that you have options. Maybe try communicating how you feel and see what response you get. Honest communication never hurts a good relationship.

[Withered-Rose79]

My fluctuating emotions keep me so confused about what I want, I find it almost impossible to make decisions about anything. Sometimes I'll ponder over something for months (even years) before I can decide what I want. When I reach a point that I can finally make the decision, there is absolutely, positively no changing my mind. I've come to the point that my mind is made up on this issue and the bf has to go. Doesn't matter what he says or does from this point forward, the decision has been made. That might be wrong, but that's how I am. I can't help it.

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[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79

My fluctuating emotions keep me so confused about what I want, I find it almost impossible to make decisions about anything. Sometimes I'll ponder over something for months (even years) before I can decide what I want. When I reach a point that I can finally make the decision, there is absolutely, positively no changing my mind. I've come to the point that my mind is made up on this issue and the bf has to go. Doesn't matter what he says or does from this point forward, the decision has been made. That might be wrong, but that's how I am. I can't help it.

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i do the same thing (all the time!ugh!) days,weeks,months i think we just want to be sure is why we do that, weighing all the pro's and cons,a lot of the time i still get it wrong..hee hee.i don't think you're wrong at all,you made up your mind & that's it!i don't blame you