Im a bad person. trigger warning !!!!

Hi all I don't post very often but tonight I just can't deal with my demons alone anymore. I apologize in advance for dumping all my dark secrets on you, I just really need to talk. I am going to be brutally honest, it doesn't mean I'm not ashamed because the guilt is killing me, its just I cant live with all of this anymore.
Treatment is not an option for me right now due to finances and restrictions of my situation. For those that will say you need help, I know I do and it is my hope that will happen some day soon.
I have been sitting very quietly alone for the past 2 years and in this time I have started coming to terms with my behavior and events of the past 10 years. Its like I am sitting watching my past as a movie, and sometimes I feel like I am experiencing these things for the first time...like I know they happened before, but emotionally its like I am just now processing it.
Maybe its called growing up who knows.
I'm having a really hard time. I am eaten alive with the realization of things Ive done and am doing. I have come to the conclusion I must be a real true psycho. Not the killer kind but just an old fashioned POS. Like I am the toxic type of person that people write articles and make tv shows warning you to stay away and get rid of.
Here is why....
I irresponsibly gave birth to three babies one after the other in three years. From ages 18 to 21 I was pregnant most of the time. The first two babies I gave for adoption, I wanted them to have the best life possible and not suffer like I did growing up. But my third baby I just couldn't let go anymore. SO I selfishly brought her home to an unstable mother and an addict father and what happened after that is something unforgivable. The single most traumatizing experience of my life and I have responsibility in it. First she was in a home with a depressed emotionally unstable mother that tried to commit suicide and was screaming and crying all the time, with a father that was drunk and high and moody all the time. But the worst is that I caught her father hurting her and I didnt take her and run away. I didnt tell anyone, I hid it. It was the most confusing and shocking times for me. I couldnt understand it. He always loved her so much showering her with attention and always helping me to care for her, he called all the time when he was out to check on her and she was the first thing he wanted to see when he got home. And it wasnt like he was openly abusing her like hitting or something of that sort, he would kiss her lips and cheeks too hard and leave scratches and bruises. It was very hard to accept and to understand and to deal with, but I didnt deal with it the right way, I see that now. I did yell and scream at him, I kicked him out too...but then I let him right back with the promise he would stay sober and go to rehab asap. I thought maybe he was high or drunk and doing it by accident and I thought I can get everyone help and save our family. I wanted that more than anything. But what happened next showed me...eventually..how wrong I was...and it worked out for the best of my daughter. My husband ended up punching me and trying to break a chair over me. I called someone and asked what I should do and they said if you dont call the police your daughter will be taken away. SO I called the police. My husband was arrested that night and the next morning CPS came and took my daughter. I didnt understand why they took her at the time, but I do now. I knew I loved her and had never hurt her so I didnt think it was right. But eventually I understood how I was endangering her. I knew she was better off without me so she was also adopted by the same family as my first two children. This.. my children.. and especially my daughter...I cant forgive myself for....and maybe I shouldnt, maybe if you do something that bad it is just something you have to live with for the rest of your life. But I don't know how to, its killing me.
If that already wasnt enough to make me a bad psycho toxic person....there is more.
Ive had dozens and dozens of jobs but I haven't been able to stay at a job since I graduated high school, I am 29 now. Which means I am a parasite living off of my husbands. Ive had three, though the first one I dont count since he tricked me into the marriage to get a green card at 18 and that only lasted 2 months.
I dropped out of college like 4 times.
Up until recently, I have cheated in every relationship Ive ever had mostly emotional cheating but there were a few physical times as well. And the worst part about that is, that I felt like I wasnt really wrong to do it because I was with emotionally unavailable and abusive men..and my needs werent getting met. who knows who really is the abusive one anymore...its probably me, I probably drove them all to insanity. WOuldnt shock me if that is the reality. Man eater song was probably written for me.
And it gets worse. In the past 3 years I have started having really bad rage issues. Like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum I will yell scream bite hit scratch. I don't know what happened to me because I was never like this. I never thought I was capable of this. No one in my family or friends would have ever guessed I could do this.....but just like the theme of my life since 18 it seems I am capable of all sorts of monstrous behaviors. Including now being abusive myself.
So my question to you all is have any of you had these types of experiences ? How did you cope with it ? Is self forgiveness possible ?
Is it possible that I truly am a toxic psycho monster and I should do everyone the favor of staying away ?
Thanks and sorry again. I realize its a lot.

First of all you are NOT a monster. You are a human being who makes mistakes and has had to deal with some really unbearable situations in her lifetime. I wish I could just hug you and help you realize how special and important you are whether you realize it or not. Second of all putting your kids up for adoption doesn't make you a terrible person it makes you a realistic person who was doing what was best for the people she loved. I often experience some irritability but I am on medications to control it and kind of mellow me out. I have had some very toxic experiences as well, but its important to realize that the things that are toxic are a result of your illness and that you can control it. Also don't be mad at yourself for being like this, would you be mad at someone who had cancer? No because that would be ridiculous. You have been through a lot and I admire that you have made it this far with some of the unbelievable circumstances that you have experienced. If you can do all this, you can really do anything. One thing my therapist told me is problems like this come and go they have waves when they're really bad and then for awhile things can get better. You just need to teach yourself to embrace the negative times and know that they'll be gone soon. I'd recommend seeing a psychiatrist of some sort to work on some of the "toxic" behaviors and keep your head up because you've done a lot so far! "The bigger the obstacle the greater the glory in over coming it."

I just want to thank you for your reply. You're like an angel from God right now. Truly you'll never know how much your words mean to me. Bless you. I'm going to hide this in my heart and move forward. Sometimes the smallest piece of light is enough even in the darkest of rooms. Thank you. Bless you.

In the past I've behaved in the most vile abusive manners imaginable...

But you know what I discovered?
It wasn't my true nature emerging, it was being involved with the person who brought out the worst qualities in me...

I had an abusive bf, and God did he make the monster in me come out. Sometimes I think he's partially responsible for creating her. I physically attacked him on more than one occasion and neither times was self-defense.

It was more along the lines of "you really dont wanna fk with me you POS, I'll kill you and enjoy it."

I finally left him and lead my (our) daughter to safety. She was never in any physical danger, but still I regret exposing her to him, his drinking and using, and also the monster he brought out in her mother.

I now have a wonderful bf, sure he's not perfect, not by a long shot. But he brings out the best in me and makes me want to be a better humanbeing.

So for me, it really was my toxic ex and our toxic relationship that brought out the toxic psycho in me, maybe the same is true for you...

You're not a horrible person, not by any stretch of the imagination, I hope and pray you learn to love yourself despite your shortcomings and find contentment and inner peace in doing so.

You are worthy

bluefish27, you are not a monster in any shape or form whatsoever, you have been through some really rough circumstances and made some choices that didn't work out as planned. no one goes into any relationship thinking it's not gonna work out! if we did that, who would get into a relationship? i have learned to hope for the best and expect the worst ( not very positive but it works for me!) i myself have been in 8 failed relationships & been through some very tough circumstances as well, so you're not alone. i think a lot of times we are attracted to the wrong kind of people and these things happen.
i've been with women that have cheated on me, stole from me, emotionally abused me and the list goes on an on. but from each relationship i try to learn something and try to figure out what i'm doing wrong & why i keep ending up in these situations, women with drug addictions/alcohol addictions that refuse to get help, yet i stay by their side anyway thinking somehow love is going to conquer all. that works great in the movies but for some reason that hasn't translated to success in real life. you did the responsible thing by putting your kids in the safest and best place so they won't be subjected to a damaging environment and i applaud you for that. each day is a new day and the opportunity to make yourself a little bit better, let go of the past. what's done is done, nothing can change that.what matters is you are still alive and reaching out for help & that's a good thing. start by forgiving yourself, you can do it. self forgiveness is very possible and recommended, you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt and the knowledge you had at the time.coping with these things is a day by day process, i look back at all the mistakes i made and horrible things i've done & let it go & said "that's not me anymore" and you can do it too. certain people have a tendency to bring out the worst in us( there's a lil bit of monster in everyone!) those are the people we want to get out of our lives & surround ourselves with good and supportive people.hang in there blufish, i think you'll be just fine!

You are not a monster

It was brave of you to let go of your kids and it also sounds like you made the right decision for you and the kids.

I hope you find peace and I hope you forgive yourself for everything. Everybody deserves a second chance.

Hello Blue.....

Welcome to the human race.

You are a perfectly imperfect creature. You have had a good number of failures in life. Painful things. Hurtful. And clearly you have shed a lot of tears over all these things. I can not say that I have done exactly as you have done and I know exactly how you feel. Just as nobody here can say they have done exactly what I have done and they know how I feel.

But here is what I do know....... I am a Christian. Let be very blunt here.... Not (repeat) NOT because I am a good person. But because I am a lousy person. And God STILL loves me.

Your "debt" has been paid. Accept it.

Thank you all for your responses. It really means a lot.

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing. I wanted to quickly say, as an adopted person, you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. Bravo. Know that you are not a monster at all. I think we'd all be surprised at how many people go through the same thing -- it's just that we're all trying to "hide" in some way, so we tend to think "others" are better than us. But that isn't true. We've all got baggage. I hope that letting it all out helped. Your story really helped me, as I am in a very similar situation. So, thank you.

Hi and welcome known grump...I'm happy my sharing helps you. I do feel much better after all these people left their beautiful replies. I know I still have work to do and need therapy. But I feel a little lighter and worthy. I feel like I can go on and make a better life. Blest wishes

You are not a monster, love. You made some very unselfish decisions when you gave your babies away and I think that's amazing. I probably couldn't do that. My mother yelled at my father for being abusive towards me as a kid, but never left him. My mother is a wonderful person, but leaving someone you love who can actually be nice at times is a very hard thing to do. If you were in abusive relationships, searching for love in other places is pretty natural. I'm not saying cheating is right but it's understandable.
I think your anger issues may be there because you're around the wrong sort of people. Not sure though. Do NEVER accept abuse in any form. I've got anger issues too and they always make me feel like an awful person. It sucks. I know. I hope you'll be able to get proffesional help soon, dear. Sorry I can't help much, but I just had to tell you that you're not a monster and that I'm proud of you.

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Hang in there little fishy......