Seem to be doing my best not to sleep tonight... Is 3:30am as i type this.

I've been drinking and

Possible trigger:

i self harmed pretty bad. It doesn't want to stop bleeding... Trying my best to stop it but I'm failing

Not sure what the trigger was. It was more just a need to do it...for no reason.

[skyxblue]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Seem to be doing my best not to sleep tonight... Is 3:30am as i type this.

I've been drinking and

Possible trigger:

i self harmed pretty bad. It doesn't want to stop bleeding... Trying my best to stop it but I'm failing

Not sure what the trigger was. It was more just a need to do it...for no reason.

[trigger]

I can understand the she without a trigger. A lot of times my therapist will want to know what triggers when I do it and I have none. It's almost a need that I feel. Nothing will set me off...I just have to do something to myself.

I hope you will be able to sleep some tonight.

[Espresso]

The gabapentin's effects have pooped out. And now I'm in the middle of a crisis with nobody to help and no medication to help. (Well, there is some medication I could use, but that would be abusing is, and I'm also not sure how it would interact with the gabapentin.) So basically everything is hopeless, and I'm a worthless piece of crap.

[HD7970GHZ]

Yes, I understand all that, HD. I am not doubting you being right about this.

The only thing I'm questioning is ... will the process of going through the lawsuit ... court appearances, paperwork, etc. harm you even more ? You are in a fragile state at the moment, given your recent attempt and/or hospitalization, and I just worry that going through such a tough legal process might put undue stress on you ... that's all.

If you feel confident that you can handle it, all the power to you.

Hey Lilodian,

You are right, I am too vulnerable to do this right now. Luckily I don't have to do anything - a patient advocate would do all the work and investigate for me. The irony is if a document is written in the public health care system - it cannot be destroyed. Looks like it will swing in my favor this time around.

I just went to do taxes and almost flipped out when they charged me an extra 200 bucks for instant cash. This made me sooo angry - but I'm posting on here to keep from raging at the tax man ahahaha.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Spending almost $100 in a day? For someone who is struggling. Am I losing my mind? Here comes the guilt & shame.

[detachedangst]

Taking my kids to Florida without my husband could be a huge mistake. I always say I'll do these things when I'm feeling good and regret it when it's actually time to do it. Giving it my all not to ruin my kids spring break.

I'm pretty good. I was having a hard time getting going this morning but I'm doing alright now. Pretty tired. Even though I didn't do anything today.

Yesterday, I saw the guy I've been interested in for a few months (the one who invited me to his show). He cuts my hair, and I had an appointment. I was super nervous to see him, he picked up on my being "a bit wired," and called me on it. I blew it off as being "stressed; it's been a hell of a month," which is not at all untrue. We had a great time chatting; we have good chemistry and there is never a lull in conversation with us. Lots of teasing, lots of complimenting, and etc. Most of me feels that he's just a really good businessman. I also think that he knows what works with women and that they find him attractive, and he uses this to his advantage...though he's not a player in the least (think cerebral hipster, attractive in a geeky way). There is still the commonality that we have which kind of goes beyond all of that, but I'll bet I'm not the only one he has something like that with. It doesn't mean he's interested in me (because I feel like he would do something about it if he were), but I also don't think he thinks of me as "just" a client. Idk. I'm fully aware that I can't have a normal relationship with anyone at this time anyway--that's just fact. I intend to work on some stuff with my new T and maybe eventually I'll feel like I can approach a relationship--cautiously--without completely tearing someone's life apart. But not now. I would love to even just have coffee with this guy but I know myself well enough to know that coffee and conversation with someone I am attracted to turns into attachment, and I can't do that. Not to me, not to him. And I'm pretty darn smitten, and probably more than a little attached already. So I guess strong chemistry every eight weeks is going to have to be enough for me. The truth of the matter is that we've laid eyes on each other exactly four times. These little hour-long bursts of conversation are kind of good...there's no time for the BS and detritus that would occur if we had more time to talk. So we know a bit about each other at this point. I know more about him in four visits than I do about the person who'd cut my hair for the previous 6 years. And who knows? We're both in our late 30's (i.e. no longer given to capricious romances); maybe one day something will just develop. I don't know.

As you can likely see, I'm trying to talk myself down, trying to ignore my typical BPD instinct which is screaming for more, which needs to be fulfilled, satisfied, and validated in this or else. It's just not going to happen the way I want it to right now (if ever) because it's just not, and that's that. But if nothing ever happens, and even if he is just a good businessman, I can say for sure that he doesn't consider me uninteresting--you can fake conversation, but you can't fake chemistry and being at ease with someone. And that's something which makes me smile.

Anyway.

Originally Posted by Espresso

The gabapentin's effects have pooped out. And now I'm in the middle of a crisis with nobody to help and no medication to help. (Well, there is some medication I could use, but that would be abusing is, and I'm also not sure how it would interact with the gabapentin.) So basically everything is hopeless, and I'm a worthless piece of crap.

I've been where you are. There isn't really anything I can say to make it better (because I know when people tried with me, it just irritated me). What helped me, a little, was to keep my environment low-stim: dim the lights, quiet music, drink some herbal tea. When it got really bad, I walked around the block--so many times that I should have lost at least some weight.

You're not a worthless piece of crap.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Just sent two apology text messages to girls I used to be close friends with. I stuffed everything up when I moved away and handled everything poorly and treated everyone badly.
I don't think they'll forgive me or want to be friends again, but I guess I had to try. They were great to me, and I was awful..as usual.

I probably won't hear back either way and will regret it all tomorrow.

[Espresso]

Today's better than yesterday at least. I'm waiting for a response to an email at the moment and it's driving me crazy. "Maybe I sent it to the wrong email, maybe it went to their spam and they think I'm ignoring them, maybe they're ignoring me, I'm surely not important enough to respond to." All a bit crazy I'm sure, but I've certainly gotten moderately worked up about the whole thing. Just respond finally!

[Britneigh]

Made a decision I instantly regretted...no going back now

[Bill3]

What happened?

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I wish I could go back a couple years and do things over. I've made so many mistakes and poor decisions. Kept friendships I shouldn't have, thrown away ones I should have kept. Treated people badly, said horrible things because they did one tiny thug I didn't like and I decided I hated them completely.
I hate BPD, I hate that I constantly ruin every relationship in my life. Even though I'm aware of it now, it still happens.
I can't fix anything I've done, I feel awful and like nothing is going to improve.
I miss so many people that I will never get to be close to again.

[Iamalioness]

I'm experiencing the love/hate relationship we have with people when we have BPD. Let me explain. Last night i went to a group and I was pouring my heart out to a friend about how I've always wanted to be a mom, not have a career. I've been told by my psychiatrist that I probably can't have kids because I can't decrease my meds. I get very sick. And I was telling her how devastating this is for me. She empathized with me, saying she's always wanted to be a mom as well, and she didn't know what she would do if she was told the same thing or didn't have her year old baby. I felt very connected to her because she was expressing exactly how I was feeling. Then, about 2 hours later, she announces to the group that she's pregnant again! I felt like she slapped me across the face! I felt completely betrayed! And instantly I felt a disconnection with her, to the point of intense anger and dislike. Today, I don't know how I feel about her. I'm completely torn between the connection that I felt and the intense anger at her.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Iamalioness

I'm experiencing the love/hate relationship we have with people when we have BPD. Let me explain. Last night i went to a group and I was pouring my heart out to a friend about how I've always wanted to be a mom, not have a career. I've been told by my psychiatrist that I probably can't have kids because I can't decrease my meds. I get very sick. And I was telling her how devastating this is for me. She empathized with me, saying she's always wanted to be a mom as well, and she didn't know what she would do if she was told the same thing or didn't have her year old baby. I felt very connected to her because she was expressing exactly how I was feeling. Then, about 2 hours later, she announces to the group that she's pregnant again! I felt like she slapped me across the face! I felt completely betrayed! And instantly I felt a disconnection with her, to the point of intense anger and dislike. Today, I don't know how I feel about her. I'm completely torn between the connection that I felt and the intense anger at her.

God I know that feeling all too well and it is painful. if it's ok.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

It's back. The night, the depression, the tears, the numbness, the lethargy. It's times like this that I am so thankful for my job.

All I need is someone to awaken me
Much of me has gone to sleep
And I'm afraid to wake up

Shake me by the shoulder if I'm lying with you now
When I talk about the time I sleep away
When it's hard to face the day

When I think of all the love that's taken me
How much do I get to keep
And how much should I give up?

Shake me by the shoulder if I'm lying to you now
I'm listening to the lies inside my head
Who can hurt you in your bed?

Fear of other people is a thing I hate
I travel in a bubble and I can't relate
Something is happening to my head
I don't want to hurt you but I never heard a word you said

Has this empty hollow heart forsaken me?
I wonder if I'll ever get to feel like I did
Before I grew up

Shake me by the shoulder if I'm lying with you now
There is no time to waste another day
'Cause we watch them fly away
-Graham Nash

Neither one of the friends I messaged about the birthday plans ever messaged back, even though I see that they were both on FB, and the message was even read by one of them.

BUT!

I am trying to be okay with this. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. It probably isn't personal. They'll probably get back to me eventually. And if they don't want to hang out with me, it doesn't mean they hate me...there could be so many reasons. And even if they just don't really want to hang with me, I know I've not put out the coolest, kindest, most chill vibes in the past so there's always that. But really, I need to be okay with being enough. I'm enough, and that's that.

I believe that we will keep going through the same things, and keep being tested by the same crap until it finally no longer has the power to bring us to our knees. I need to stop letting rejection and perceived rejection make me want to disappear. I've been through a lot and have come out the other side. I've been through fire and I'm still alive, like a phoenix, a force to be reckoned with. It's time to stop sinking all the time.

[Britneigh]

I've been up for 24 hours straight for work and just got home and my skinny pig was dead in his cage. Not only am I exhausted I'm completely heart broken. He was fine this morning when I left at 2 am. His buddy is upset...hopefully I don't lose him too

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I've been up for 24 hours straight for work and just got home and my skinny pig was dead in his cage. Not only am I exhausted I'm completely heart broken. He was fine this morning when I left at 2 am. His buddy is upset...hopefully I don't lose him too

This makes me want to cry. I'm so sorry.

[Notoriousglo]

Flat. Indifferent.

Still haven't heard from the friends I was trying to plan with. Bright side: I have other plans. There are people who like me. Conclusion: Not everything works out exactly as you want it to, but some things work out to be good.

Going for a walk in a minute. I'm trying to exercise more since I know it is a way to combat depression and get serotonin/endorphins/other hormones up other than engaging in behaviors that may be self-destructive.

[Britneigh]

Originally Posted by misskeena

This makes me want to cry. I'm so sorry.

Thanks for the hugs misskeena.

I'm still struggling over losing my little buddy...it sounds stupid to be so upset over a skinny pig, but his little squeaks every time I walked into a room made me feel important...like I mattered even if it was just to him. I buried him today. I haven't left my room because quite honestly I don't see the point. Still running on empty from working yesterday and feeling emotionally drained. Might make myself go ride tomorrow to try and pull myself together.

Originally Posted by Britneigh

Thanks for the hugs misskeena.

I'm still struggling over losing my little buddy...it sounds stupid to be so upset over a skinny pig, but his little squeaks every time I walked into a room made me feel important...like I mattered even if it was just to him. I buried him today. I haven't left my room because quite honestly I don't see the point. Still running on empty from working yesterday and feeling emotionally drained. Might make myself go ride tomorrow to try and pull myself together.

No, it's not silly at all. When my Smudge kitty had emergency surgery a few years ago, I had to call in sick to work. Not only because it was just more practical (I didn't want to have to crate her while I was at work all night, and she was so loopy and goofy from the anesthesia and pain meds she couldn't be alone otherwise), but also because I'd spent the whole day crying. I was such a wreck that I hadn't been able to sleep; there was no way I could do an overnight shift. It's not silly to be upset over a pet--they're family. It doesn't matter the species.

[skyxblue]

My daughter has surgery on her eye lid tomorrow. I was doing ok but now with night coming I'm getting nervous. I haven't been sleeping the greatest but might go to bed earlier tonight.