[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Thanks Achy. You are right it is good you failed cuz who would be giving me great advice like this. I guess we are all here for a reason, I am one of yours.

S M I L I N G

[cryingontheinside]

Hopeless, helpless, lost and confused.

Lonely.

I'm trying to change the negative self-talk on a constant loop in my mind. I know that most of it is a lie, and colors my perception of the world around me, but it is basically a recording of the (false) core beliefs I was taught early on. I just need to be more diligent about catching the thoughts early before they spin a dark web and I'm sitting here in the middle of it, all tangled up, cranky, negative and feeling low.

PS On the bright side, my appointment with my new T is on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. I think this is the first time I've ever gone into meeting with a new T ready to work to do some changing rather than just despondent and passive, ready for them to change me.

[Bill3]

I called the helplines and crisis lines but they are so tired of hearing this from me, they want to throw up.

I listen on a hotline. We have many regular callers, including people who call daily and more than daily. We welcome these callers, we do not tire of hearing from them, and in fact I would estimate that regular callers constitute about 2/3 of our overall activity.

(((((dancinglady)))))

Originally Posted by dancinglady

****************SU trigger ************** I type this before I figured out the new system.
Maybe a moderator will put the right trigger warning on this one.

I am having serious SU thoughts and feelings. Sitting here trying to figure out ways to accomplish this goal. I think this long term aloneness with no hope of it improving has finally got to me. I will never be found and I know that. It will probably happen when my home starts really smelling bad.
Tonite I will be doing nothing about these feelings but the urge is extremely strong. I told my T this AM and he just wants me to let them pass. I called the helplines and crisis lines but they are so tired of hearing this from me, they want to throw up. I can forget the hospital, they would not admit, they will just send me home with more drugs. They only admit people who have families and friends who want to see their loved one improve, mine don't.

I understand that all of you are supportive but this is the internet. These are virtual hugs and kind words. I need people in my real life who care and this goal is not going to happen.

I'm very sorry you feel that way. Sadly, I agree with everything you have said.

I just wanted to point out that what you said about this being the internet and needing people in real life is EXACTLY, unequivocally, 100% how I feel too. You could not have said it better.

I wish you nothing but the best.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

It's my birthday, I had a good night last night, but today has been not so great.
In huge amounts of physical pain and just spent 15minutes crying at the bottom of the shower.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

It's my birthday, I had a good night last night, but today has been not so great.
In huge amounts of physical pain and just spent 15minutes crying at the bottom of the shower.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough start to your birthday. I want to wish you a happy one though, I really hope it changes course and you feel much better soon.

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

It's my birthday, I had a good night last night, but today has been not so great.
In huge amounts of physical pain and just spent 15minutes crying at the bottom of the shower.

Happy birthday. Hope you feel better

Please be gentle with yourself and treat yourself today.

[*Laurie*]

Terrified. Tired. Disoriented.

[Mindful55]

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

It's my birthday, I had a good night last night, but today has been not so great.
In huge amounts of physical pain and just spent 15minutes crying at the bottom of the shower.

((Hugs)) to you bubbles

Happy birthday

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

[skyxblue]

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

It's my birthday, I had a good night last night, but today has been not so great.
In huge amounts of physical pain and just spent 15minutes crying at the bottom of the shower.

Sorry to hear about the start of your birthday. Hugs to you. Hope you will feel better.

Happy Birthday!!

I'm doing very well. Had a great workout today. I'm getting back in near perfect shape.

I also thanked my Mom for passing on her good looks to me

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Thanks for all the kind words.
I had a glass of wine, some painkillers and watched SVU until I could sleep.
Woke up feeling a lot better today. Still emotionally on edge but at least the physical pain has improved.

Hope you're all having a good day/night.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

***TRIGGER***DRUGS***
*
*
*
Struggling with a bit of guilt or remorse over the past couple of days.

Possible trigger:

I had been waiting and planning on getting 30+ days clean so that I could eat some marijuana candy I had. The first time I had it, back in January, I didn't get very stoned because my tolerance was so high. So... Saturday night I ate it. I got very high and had a lot of deep thoughts. I remember one moment I started to cry though I can't recall why. I do remember thinking that "now I feel alive" meaning I felt like I had been asleep for the past 30+ days.

I'm torn as to if I will tell anyone. Probably only my therapist. I don't think that he will be angry with me but maybe curious as to why. He might think sabotage but I certainly don't think that is the whole reason. I am willing to accept that it could've played some part in it. Still I am left wondering if I will ever choose to not smoke pot ever again. Do I ever need to make that decision? Can't I just take it one day at a time? My T already asked me what I was going to do when I am with my sister again. Then he answered for me, "I guess you will deal with that when it's time."

I don't think that I will ever reach any kind of "enlightenment" or be able to get the most out of life if I am smoking pot regularly. I am pretty sure that is the goal or path that I am on and weed will only block my way. I think that the real question is, am I able to smoke on occasion?

I am thinking that maybe I should start over as far as NA goes. It's not the end of the world. It just isn't. I may keep it to myself but I will not be able to pick up another key tag until sometime in late May. So be it.

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't know.

I wish I did though.

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

Thanks for all the kind words.
I had a glass of wine, some painkillers and watched SVU until I could sleep.
Woke up feeling a lot better today. Still emotionally on edge but at least the physical pain has improved.

Hope you're all having a good day/night.

Happy belated Birthday. I wasn't really on all weekend; I'm sorry I missed it.

No matter how good I'm feeling, there has always been, in my adulthood, some sort of melancholy I feel on my birthday. I'm sure I know where it comes from, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that I've been so down before that I've shot the whole day to ****. I hope you are able to take a day this month to do something positive for yourself...for me it would be to buy myself little cake, curl up, and either watch some of my favorite movies I haven't seen in forever or watch happy movies on Netflix. Or go to the bookstore, buy a coffee and a really yummy thing (probably a cupcake), and find one of their cozy chairs and read all afternoon. I tend to be quiet when I am treating myself. I might also get my nails done, who knows.

I'm doing well. Hung out after work last night with a girl I've known for almost a decade (just from working at two different jobs with her). I'm pretty sure I have birthday plans...I have a coworker whose bday is three days prior and we're going to combine it so I may actually have quite a few coworkers there (which means I have to limit drinking). I like my coworkers though, so that's cool.

Been working on the positive self-talk. It's going alright. I forget to stop the negative talk a lot, but...I'm working on it.

[skyxblue]

I'm doing ok. Trying to start the day. I was up earlier but went back to bed. Sleep is hit and miss with me lately. I have to take my mom to a couple appointments so that will get me up.

[HD7970GHZ]

Got back into DBT with a new therapist. I am scared to go back after my previous therapist abandoned me. I don't know how I will handle the first time being back - but I've been hurt beyond words. I will be writing a letter of complaint and I will be making change in anyway I can so that other borderline sufferers will not go through the same hell.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Decided to just own up to my relapse in the meeting tonight. I'll tell my T when I see him again. Moving on from here, back on my path to a happier & healthier me.

Hi Achy, if I may share my experience with alcohol, hoping you get something out of it ...

After I injured my back three years ago (meaning I couldn't exercise anymore) I compulsively drank 2 bottles of wine every night.

I tried all kinds of ways to quit. One method worked - going cold turkey TILL I had more than enough control that I felt confident that one glass of wine wouldn't turn into a bottle. After reaching that point, I allowed myself a glass once in a while, socially. I was eventually able to start exercising again, and replaced the euphoria of alcohol with the euphoria of exercise.

Today, I have excellent control. I can't remember the last time I drank anything, but it sure as hell was less than a glass (maybe a couple of sips).

Now coming to you, I would really suggest you quit cold turkey for a while, knowing that, one day, when you do have good control, and know that you won't become an addict again, you can smoke/eat occasionally.

Please find a healthy replacement for the weed. I really think the weed is making up for something that's missing. Think long n hard about what that is. Exercise ? Sex ? Being in a relationship ? Having more friends ? All of the above ? Whatever it is, please search for it.

One day, you can get to a point where you don't NEED weed, but you can smoke occasionally with friends when someone breaks it out at a party or whatever. I really do think you can get to that point, with a lot of hard work up front.

I'm sure there's something out there that will bring your life meaning and that you will accept as an alternative to pot.

I feel strong and in control.

I also feel helpless that I can't pass on some of my strength to those of you in pain so you can get better. It is such a long and hard journey, and I wish y'all nothing but happiness, yet, I watch y'all in pain everyday

I want to keep reminding all of you, that, less than a year ago, I was in the emergency room with a bullet hole in my lung, visited by a chaplain because they weren't sure if I would survive. I was entirely alone (no visits by anyone I know). I then spent two months recovering alone at home, doing everything on my own ... Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt, and in near total control. I'm not happy, but I'm resilient and alive.

You can all get there ... to a much better place, above and beyond your suffering today.

N.E.V.E.R. G.I.V.E. U.P. O.N. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.

[Crazy Hitch]

Ughhhhh. Sigh. Shrugh Shoulders. Dunno.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Lilodian, Those were both great posts. Thank you for sharing some of your story. These kinds of stories I hear from people really make a difference to me.

I would definitely say that I am quitting pot cold turkey. I don't think that I need NA to accomplish this but it helps. My first two weeks trying to go cold turkey ended up with me smoking twice in two weeks. My T reminded me that that was good since I was smoking about 6 times a day prior to that. Then I went 33 days without smoking. I felt good about that but I had planned to eat the marijuana candy once my tolerance was back down... So I did and I enjoyed it. The next day I suppose I felt remorse that I lost my 30+ days.

Anyway, I am back, going cold turkey again and my plan is to stay clean for a while. I am pretty sure that I typically use it to self medicate. It smooths out my anxiety and allows me to ignore the things that bother me. My T says that it is time for me to learn to live with life's ups and downs. I agree.

The other thing I want to say is that recently I stopped exercising, doing yoga, and paying attention to what I eat and I feel like that has been bringing me down. So, yesterday I started walking for exercise again and keeping a journal of my calorie intake. This week I hope to find a new yoga class. Exercise just makes me feel better about myself.

Got a 96% on my first mental health nursing theory test (and 100% on the group test which gets us extra credit for a perfect score) today, and I barely studied. The class average was 86%. Although this test focused heavily on schizophrenia, which I have no experience with (besides my patients) it also focused on therapeutic communication and a lot on antipsychotic medications which I once took. Guess it helps to have some first-hand experience--I research every class of med I take.