[Achy Turtle Armor]

So as expected the night arrived and I started to get that edgy feeling.

I went to an NA meeting last night that I had been to before. I didn't like it the first time but I thought I should give it another chance so I did and still didn't like it. The problem is that there's a lot of meetings there and on Sunday's they are all at the same location. This may sound odd but my distaste for it is not that it's in a seedy part of town, it's not that I saw a roach there, it's the smell. It smells strongly of Fabreeze or some other horrible air freshener. Seriously. It gets on my clothes and in my hair. It's a shame really. So tonight I felt abandoned even though it was my choice to not go there again.

I started thinking... Maybe I could just go to an AA meeting instead. No one has to know I don't drink and I certainly could be an alcoholic if given the right circumstance. Also, in my mind it's just another substance and honestly some nights I have considered taking anything to get away from myself. So I went to a speaker meeting. This is how I have made it through the last three evenings without doing anything stupid or harmful to myself. These meetings take up at least two hours of my evening so now all I have to do is get to sleep. Easier tonight because I have to be up by 5:15.

Anyway, I'm sharing all of this because the meeting was better than I hoped. First, I was welcomed by two people as I walked in. Secondly, an old coworker was there and was very welcoming and introduced me to several people. I confessed to him that my DOC was pot but he was cool about it and said he had drug issues as well as alcohol. I felt like I was supposed to be there. Then I see 3 faces from NA there and again felt like it was okay for me to be there even if I wasn't a drinker. I've heard stories that drug addicts aren't as welcomed at AA. Finally, the speaker was just great. Again, even though she spoke of alcohol, what she said resonated with me. She spoke about how much she used to hate herself. She spoke about a "hole" in her that she kept trying to fill with all sorts of things. She said what my T keeps telling me. The answer to my problems is not out there (drugs, alcohol, etc) but the answer is inside of me. I keep hearing that and I know it must be true. The challenge now is to stop the habit of trying to cover up my pain with crap but instead sit with the pain. My T said, "Feel it. It won't kill you. You might cry or pound your fists or vomit but eventually the pain goes away like when you stub your toe."

So before I left the meeting, which started me crying, I thanked the girl for speaking. She could see that I had been crying and hugged me. I'm not a hugger but it felt good. I need to get some sleep but I really wanted to share this in hopes that maybe something I say might help one of you.

I know that this good feeling probably won't last but maybe eventually if I have more good experiences like this and I continue to learn and make the right choices I can start to recover. I'm not just talking about the drugs either. I'm talking about all the borderline s***.

Sorry I've been so long winded lately...

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

So before I left the meeting, which started me crying, I thanked the girl for speaking. She could see that I had been crying and hugged me. I'm not a hugger but it felt good. I need to get some sleep but I really wanted to share this in hopes that maybe something I say might help one of you.

I know that this good feeling probably won't last but maybe eventually if I have more good experiences like this and I continue to learn and make the right choices I can start to recover. I'm not just talking about the drugs either. I'm talking about all the borderline s***.

Sorry I've been so long winded lately...

This is so great to hear ! Meeting others who are in a similar position can really help you heal. Not just that, meeting people in general is going to be good for you. Kudos to you for not giving up on meetings And, you got a hug, too !!! I can't remember the last time I got a genuine hug.

Absorb all the goodness from this experience and savor it. Someday, when you're going through a tough time, remember it and know that you will have good times like it again.

Keep up the hard work, and keep us informed.

[Verity81]

Productive day, didn't wallow in how my day had little meaning but still wasn't in the mood for more job hunting.

Instead I did some decorating and it did help my motivation and mood

[Britneigh]

Had a long productive day. 18 stalls cleaned, 15 horses turned in and out, hayed and grained them all, watered all 19 stalls and the two pasture troughs and the cow. Also rode two horses. My back is killing me, was suppose to be off tomorrow but that isn't happening now. Sigh. So be it.

[BlueWhisky]

Had a terrible weekend. Lost my **** over this website I've been running on my own for a year which nobody will help me with. I said I was shutting it down then got shouted at for being 'unprofessional' but for god's sake, if nobody can help me with it and it isn't earning me money...?? It got nominated for a big award and it's got me paid work off the back of it but it's taking up so much time... I hate that BPD does make me blow up and overshare on places like Facebook but I can't help it. I hope it doesn't affect my chances of getting other paid work, because I'm struggling enough as it is. I hate that BPD twists our lives so we can't use our talents properly.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by BlueWhisky

Had a terrible weekend. Lost my **** over this website I've been running on my own for a year which nobody will help me with. I said I was shutting it down then got shouted at for being 'unprofessional' but for god's sake, if nobody can help me with it and it isn't earning me money...?? It got nominated for a big award and it's got me paid work off the back of it but it's taking up so much time... I hate that BPD does make me blow up and overshare on places like Facebook but I can't help it. I hope it doesn't affect my chances of getting other paid work, because I'm struggling enough as it is. I hate that BPD twists our lives so we can't use our talents properly.

I over shared a couple times on stupid FB last week that I was feeling depressed. Boy do I ever regret that.

[BlueWhisky]

Yeah. And if you'd posted that you'd broken your leg you'd get loads of sympathy but depression just makes people lash out and ask you to pull yourself together and stop demanding attention :*(

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by BlueWhisky

Yeah. And if you'd posted that you'd broken your leg you'd get loads of sympathy but depression just makes people lash out and ask you to pull yourself together and stop demanding attention :*(

Fortunately I didn't get that I got the sympathy but I effin hate sympathy. I just don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to tell people how I was really doing. I spent the next few days pretending things were going great. :/

[Espresso]

Life is horrible. Life is unbelievably horrible. And the worst part is, I can't even kill myself. My one solace in this joke of a life was my ability to end it when I wanted. But I realized recently that I will never be able to do it because the pain of leaving my daughter would be infinitely worse than the pain I am experiencing. It's funny that when I was more suicidal, I was less depressed. Now that I no longer have the comfort of suicide, I can feel myself slipping swiftly into unyielding hopelessness and depression. What a lovely life I lead.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Espresso

Life is horrible. Life is unbelievably horrible. And the worst part is, I can't even kill myself. My one solace in this joke of a life was my ability to end it when I wanted. But I realized recently that I will never be able to do it because the pain of leaving my daughter would be infinitely worse than the pain I am experiencing. It's funny that when I was more suicidal, I was less depressed. Now that I no longer have the comfort of suicide, I can feel myself slipping swiftly into unyielding hopelessness and depression. What a lovely life I lead.

I kinda feel the same way sometimes because of my little sister. The thought of how devastated she would be has really frustrated me. Right now, I'm glad for this but when I am feeling suicidal it makes me angry.

[dancinglady]

I find that the hen I think of suicide it is almost like I feel better. It is like having a light at the end of the tunnel. My see an out of my horrible pain. It is like wow I only have this many hours left in pain.

[Verity81]

I can relate to that comfort from suicide thought but also i hate the feeling of the desperation I feel when I think it's the only way out. I also know I couldn't leave my husband and step daughters with that pain and yes sometimes it makes me angry but at the same time reminds me I am loved and worthwhile

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[borncatastrophe77]

What type of bad patterns are you talking about?

[BlueWhisky]

Yeah I couldn't do it to my mum. But just like I give up on other projects all the time, the temptation to say "**** it" and give up on the overall project of life is a big part of my BPD. I'm tired. I'm 31 and feel 101. I feel like I've tried everything and pissed everyone off in the process and just come to the conclusion I don't fit. Living for other people and not yourself and still being called selfish is horrible.

[dancinglady]

Have you got that one right. I was there. I am now 64 and with all the treatments it is a day to day struggle and practice. I am exhausted.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I've had a cold and tonsillitis and I just finished my first week of tafe. Studying is weird.
Been feeling fairly good emotionally considering, and I was happy to have a day off today but now I'm going down hill fast.
I'm disgusted with myself for having dated my ex and it's embarrassing.
I hate so many people I used to be 'friends' with.
And I look ****ing awful all the time.

[Mindful55]

Emotionally & physically exhausted..

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[Verity81]

My ability to regulate my emotions had improved loads with DBT but when I get periods of anxiety I then fall into the trap of being anxious about being anxious. I don't want to go back to how I was. Suicidal, paranoid and out of control. I have nightmares about it! Wow, how to accept that anxiety is a part of life? Rather than fear that it will lead to a downward spiral and hospital admission? I guess I plod on practising the skills as it's worked so far.
I was laid off from my job a month ago so this is a real testing time. Radical acceptance seems to be the skill I need right now, it's just so hard! Ugh

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[Verity81]

Originally Posted by Mindful55

Emotionally & physically exhausted..

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Sounds like you deserve a rest. When I feel like that I pick a time to either cuddle up on the sofa with my cat and a good book or take a long bubble bath. ((Hugs))

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[Verity81]

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

I've had a cold and tonsillitis and I just finished my first week of tafe. Studying is weird.
Been feeling fairly good emotionally considering, and I was happy to have a day off today but now I'm going down hill fast.
I'm disgusted with myself for having dated my ex and it's embarrassing.
I hate so many people I used to be 'friends' with.
And I look ****ing awful all the time.

Tonsillitis is a *****! Look after yourself, your bound to feel vulnerable. Do something nice for yourself ((hugs))

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[avlady]

I feel sad you all don't feel so great today, i'm feeling alot better than usual for some reason, i hope you all can feel the same

[Espresso]

I'm also having a good day so far. Maybe this good day will last through the weekend?

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm having a good day overall. Work frustrated me but not as bad as it has been lately. I'm celebrating Friday with a small milkshake but no drugs.

[Britneigh]

I had an alright day. I've been home alone basically the last two weeks and feeling rather cruddy. My T seems to basically be kind of a d-bag. She doesn't listen or seem to remember anything but talks like she knows what she's talking about and I just kind of nod my head even though she's trying to repeat things that are completely wrong which just proves she isn't actually listening. When I went to leave, I wanted to make another appointment and she's like "I think you're alright to go without one, just call in if you feel like you're struggling...uhm...? So basically that sucks. I can't even pay someone to be there for me lol.

I spent some time taking pictures today though. I love just putting my headphones in and going outside with my camera. It was -8 with the windchill today but it didn't bother me. I'm not in a horrid place all things considered. But not 100% alright either

[Mindful55]

Originally Posted by Verity81

Sounds like you deserve a rest. When I feel like that I pick a time to either cuddle up on the sofa with my cat and a good book or take a long bubble bath. ((Hugs))

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Aww thank you for your kindness
I feel better. Took a short nap and played with my granddaughter. I will get there..

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