[jeremiahgirl]

feeling emotional, alone and lost!

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[Tōmen]

I'm feeling betrayed. Disappointed. Used. I don't know nothing. I don't know how to handle life on life terms. Im to old, to tired, to lost, to insecure.

[Britneigh]

Being an adult is overrated...i'd like to go back to being care free drinking juice boxes, watching cartoons and taking naps and when the hardest decision of my day was what colour crayon to use.

[dancinglady]

Question Lil - what happened to the upbeat, positive, thinking life is about roses. You sound like you are seeing the world as all black right now after just one companies personnel did not like your work or personality. You are young - why not take all this negative black thinking energy and write a resume. If you are not able due to the black thinking can you hire someone to do it for you. Get a headhunter and let them place you somewhere. You are not the right fit there from their opinion. Ok what about they are not the right fit for you. You may be much better than them, see how wrong they are for you. Don't focus on their opinion. I have a son who works two jobs - one boss sees no positives in my sons, the other boss just promoted him within two months. Different people see people through their own lenses. My son is the same man just has one who sees the positive and one that sees the negative. Son is still the same.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Question Lil - what happened to the upbeat, positive, thinking life is about roses. You sound like you are seeing the world as all black right now after just one companies personnel did not like your work or personality. You are young - why not take all this negative black thinking energy and write a resume. If you are not able due to the black thinking can you hire someone to do it for you. Get a headhunter and let them place you somewhere. You are not the right fit there from their opinion. Ok what about they are not the right fit for you. You may be much better than them, see how wrong they are for you. Don't focus on their opinion. I have a son who works two jobs - one boss sees no positives in my sons, the other boss just promoted him within two months. Different people see people through their own lenses. My son is the same man just has one who sees the positive and one that sees the negative. Son is still the same.

Hey dancinglady !

Thanks so much for your thoughtful words.

You are very right, I should reject the company just as they reject me.

I just don't have the energy to go through another job application process. There is actually a much greater and more important reason why I can't switch jobs right now. It has to do with work visas. I won't bore you with details.

Despite that, I still do feel in control of my life, so that has not gone away. I never thought life was full of red roses, just that I felt in total control. I still feel in control.

But you are right - your approach is 100% correct.

Thanks !

I had a GREAT Friday night ... drinking, dancing (nightclub), and hanging out with two gorgeous women.

One of them is the same age as me, and single and "looking". According to her roommate, who is trying to set us up, she is "desperate to kiss a guy" She was cold last night ... I offered my big muscular arm, and she welcomed it, and rested her head on my shoulder I savored every moment of the warm cozy feeling. God, it's been forever since I had any kind of intimate contact with a woman.

I got her number, and plan to ask her out sometime soon. Tips needed !

It's the first time in my life someone is setting me up !

I might have something to look forward to, in the next couple of weeks

[jeremiahgirl]

lol I agree Britneigh, I wish there were a way to turn the tables (when happier) moments were abounding (but I had very very few) of those! . I find myself not much better from an earlier posting. Easy to cry a and a desire to cover up with blankets! It's too sunny out doors, I want it dark and dismally like I feel inside.

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[tigersassy]

I'm losing my freaking mind. Helping someone else makes me see how messed up I am. This fits me so can I trust anything I know? I need to understand me, this...😳

[Espresso]

I'm feeling numb and empty. I guess that's better than actively suicidal from intense emotional pain.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl

lol I agree Britneigh, I wish there were a way to turn the tables (when happier) moments were abounding (but I had very very few) of those! . I find myself not much better from an earlier posting. Easy to cry a and a desire to cover up with blankets! It's too sunny out doors, I want it dark and dismally like I feel inside.

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Today, not only was it too sunny out but the effing birds were too happy and wouldn't shut up. At one point during my sleeping on and off, I had to put on headphones to block out the birds. I don't know if this is ironic or not but normally I absolutely love birds. I had the blinds closed tight but left the bedroom door cracked along with the patio door so my dogs didn't have to hang out with the depressing mess that I am.

My depression got the best of me today. Just hoping tomorrow will be better.

[tigersassy]

I'm so lonely, but it's coming out as angry. My spouse is spending more time with her sister in law than me. I feel like crap. I'm not working today because of it. My spouse came home late last night so I couldn't talk to her. Not that I wanted to anyway. Urges are running thru my head, but I'm fighting them. Yay me😳. Don't want to bother my therapist not to mention she's At her full time job. This to shall pass. Everything does until it strikes me again and everything feels fresh. I hate this I just want to be normal.

Got a letter today as a summary of my last pdoc appointment. Written in bold at the top was the diagnosis of BPD. I have known this for nearly 3 years but it still seems like a slap in the face. I know, I know, it's just a label. I'm working on it...

[jeremiahgirl]

I too struggle with the dx of BPD! My therapist and I have discussed it a long time ago he doesn't like that I mention it; he believes it's the way I was brought up and the trauma that made me a BPD. Yet, when I see the aspects or symptoms show I'm so quick to think BPD!!! I'm still working on this label too! ;(

I'm doing pretty well, all said and done. I was kind of "meh" earlier, then I went to my first yoga class of the series I signed up for and *whew* it's a lot more of a workout than I thought it was! It definitely got the endorphins pumping, not to mention got the muscles stretched and the cobwebs cleared from my brain.

Came home to print the notes for tomorrow's psych nursing theory lecture and...heyyyyy! I get to sleep in and take tomorrow off! Why? Because it's the personality disorders lecture! Hey, I know I shouldn't skip school but I have a solid A in my psych nursing class right now--and I barely study...imagine that. Ya just gotta find the perks where you can. I got a 96 on my first theory exam which was way above class average; my instructor was like, "What's your secret?" I wanted to say, "BE A PSYCH PATIENT," but I didn't. My school friend is having a particularly difficult time in that clinical. Each week, our professor is telling her that she needs to go deeper, get in touch with her feelings. I'm like, "She never tells me that. Would you like some of my feelings?" I think my friend wanted to smack me (she also knows I was inpatient at our clinical facility...she knows why I'm "in touch with my feelings" ).

And honestly? I don't want to sit through that lecture and listen to my classmate's questions about BPD. I already had to endure the first week where half of them admitted their stigma about having to do clinicals at the psych facility. Five weeks later, while some still don't like psych nursing they've at least come around. Hey, those same classmates loved OB nursing while I personally would've rather plucked my eyelashes out one at a time than palpate another fundus. To each their own.

[Britneigh]

Tomorrow is moving day

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl

I too struggle with the dx of BPD! My therapist and I have discussed it a long time ago he doesn't like that I mention it; he believes it's the way I was brought up and the trauma that made me a BPD. Yet, when I see the aspects or symptoms show I'm so quick to think BPD!!! I'm still working on this label too! ;(

Thank you for this. My therapist told me this a while back. I'm hoping dealing with the past crap will help my bpd symptoms.
I'm a bit better today. Things went better last night. Nephew makes things better. He fell asleep last night while eating corn on the cob. Today I'm worrying about some side effects of my oral chemo pill. I keep telling myself it's all in my head. Here's hoping it is.

[jeremiahgirl]

Hi Tigersassy, I do believe what I experienced as a child has shaped some aspects of why I react or behave today. Knowing the symptoms of BPD I do see a lot of me, but using EMDR has really helped me realize I don't need to be so impulsive. I do have moments when I can think things through and not react; however, I still have moments when the emotions get so intense that I just want to explode!! I usually just want to PUNCH A WALL over and over again. It's moments like that where the BPD is in control, and I have to Try to put breaks on my emotions. It's extremely hard to do. I hate BPD, yet will I ever be over this condition or do I just manage it?? One time I asked a therapist if I will ever get over this condition? Her reply was "No you will have to learn to manage it." My face fell...

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Another depressing day for me. Well, actually I had an ok day until after lunch. This is a new pattern. Probably has something to do with getting stuck in my head at lunch. From then on though it has just gone downhill.

I've been thinking about my ex-husband today because it is his birthday. We're no longer friends on Facebook but I took a peek at his page and no one has wished him a happy birthday. I hope he heard it from someone. He never liked his birthday but I think he liked that I always tried to make it low key but special. I still love him, I just don't like him. I don't know if that makes sense. I want the best for him.

Of course I'm still worried about money. I'm now something like -$135 in the bank. Friday I get paid but after almost everyone is paid I have to go another week on very little money. I don't like living with uncertainty. I am expecting my car to breakdown someday soon. It's just what would happen to me. I feel like I am being punished in life for some reason though I don't know who or what is punishing me since I don't believe in anything.

I think I'm going to crawl under the covers and cry on and off until it's time to leave for my NA meeting.

Oh...

Possible trigger:

been thinking about suicide today too but I have no real plans and I will tell my T on Thursday.

[Espresso]

I need a break from life, from stress, from everything.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I've been reading for five hours straight, it finally got to a moderately happy bit and I put it down to try to finally sleep and instantly had a complete meltdown and burst into tears.
I can't cope with life. It's too hard right now.

I will never not be borderline. I have periods in my life, long ones, sometimes months and months, where I feel like I've risen above where I once was. When I feel like I can subvert the traits and choose more healthy coping mechanisms. When emotions don't completely rule my life, I'm not lost and confused in relationships (or, if I am lost, I can still feel my way around). And then something happens to remind me of just how not normal my brain is despite how well I seem to function to the outside world. I am so tired. I just don't want to keep fighting this battle with no weapons, no army, blindfolded, and both hands tied behind my back.

[jeremiahgirl]

Not to be too religious but in the bible in Ephesians 6 Paul talks about believers putting on their (spiritual amour) that covers us from the enemy the devil. I also use the precious blood of Jesus to cover me.

I personally know it's not easy dealing with BPD. I'd be the last person to tell you it's easy but it's not. Most that have this dx have been traumatized in some way as a very young child and their coping techniques weren't developed or nurtured. So often we function in the raw and react in the raw. I don't like this at all! The best way i deal with life's struggles, pains, hurts and heartaches is to attempt to focus on something else, distraction can help at times.

Sometimes it good to have a good cry, and a good sleep but if I were to keep that pattern I'd be so depressed and also I'd be having ideations from emptiness.

Believe me I've been having more moments where I question my progress from therapy, but I also try to pray though (simple prayers) I ask for strength to move on positively. I truly understand the pain of us who deal with this disorder. Hang in there my friend I know it's hard, but there's hope too with someone higher then me alone.

Yeah...I'm not religious at all. I spent several years in an evangelistic church and experienced some pretty heavy spiritual abuse so I'm glad that works for you but I am not a believer. I think it's also against the rules of this forum to bring up specific religious practices. Sorry to be a B, but that's a huge trigger.

I'm scared I'm headed down.

Possible trigger:

I keep on cutting. And my head is telling me that I need to die. I'm fighting that thought for now. But I know how loud it can get, I know how hard it gets to ignore it.

I'm just scared that my few months of stability seems to be over. I'm not ready to be back in that horrible dark place.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I'm scared I'm headed down.

Possible trigger:

I keep on cutting. And my head is telling me that I need to die. I'm fighting that thought for now. But I know how loud it can get, I know how hard it gets to ignore it.

I'm just scared that my few months of stability seems to be over. I'm not ready to be back in that horrible dark place.

I'm feeling the same way for the past month but without the SI, thankfully. Keep wondering if I should just go back to my old ways,

Possible trigger:

drugs and cutting,

but I've come too far and I keep trying to remind myself that this is temporary.

if it's ok.