All I can say is ....This **** is hard

[Britneigh]

I'm all moved. Well sort of...the guinea pigs and I moved and I picked up the pup today. So far so good. Spent way too much money on him at petsmart but he's got better quality food, some new toys and a harness so he stops ripping my hands off when we go for walks. Next he's getting neutered since he's tried humping me a few times...

Mentally I'm exhausted. It feels good to be on my own and have a place to call home but I know I'll crash eventually. But for now I'm enjoying the pup and trying to relax.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I'm all moved. Well sort of...the guinea pigs and I moved and I picked up the pup today. So far so good. Spent way too much money on him at petsmart but he's got better quality food, some new toys and a harness so he stops ripping my hands off when we go for walks. Next he's getting neutered since he's tried humping me a few times...

Mentally I'm exhausted. It feels good to be on my own and have a place to call home but I know I'll crash eventually. But for now I'm enjoying the pup and trying to relax.

I'm really happy for you.

[jeremiahgirl]

Thanks for letting me know Misskeena, I actually didn't know about the rule. I'm sorry for your difficulty in your past experience. I will keep the rule in mind; thanks again. :@)

[jeremiahgirl]

At one point I thought I could keep my mind and emotions on track, however lately they've become over flowing and at times very frustrating. I don't like that because I can't handle them when they over flow! It's hard to stop the volcano from erupting. All I can say it anxiety meds have come in handy lately.

Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl

Thanks for letting me know Misskeena, I actually didn't know about the rule. I'm sorry for your difficulty in your past experience. I will keep the rule in mind; thanks again. :@)

Sorry, it was a bad day and I was being abrupt.

I had a pretty bad experience with an AG church and I do tend to balk when people bring up spirituality as a way to handle psych issues (as an exclusive way) as my best friend of 17 years and I just parted ways because she demonized my mental illness, saying it was basically the devil and not an MI, and that I had a root of rejection and bitterness in my life, not depression and BPD. Well...given my past, yeah I have rejection and bitterness! I gave a lot of my time in ministry (Sunday school, worship team, outreach leader...) and when the crap hit the fan for me mentally, no one from my church was there. My former best friend, to this day, refuses to understand the rejection I experienced from my former church. It was devastating, and she pins it on me. I agree that my attitude wasn't the greatest, but when you turn away from someone struggling with depression, how do you expect them to react? One of my closest friends said, after I called her while inpatient, "Hey, call me after this is all over...we'll be friends again." Really??? We were incredibly close up to that point. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. I needed her. But no...call me after this is over and we'll be friends.

So because of this, and because of other, more personal experiences, I do have some bitterness against the church. I'm sorry I was harsh.

[tigersassy]

Misskeena I'm sorry to hear about your experience with church, but I completely understand. Same thing has happened to me.
Officially going back to school this fall. So excited and nervous. Take my placement test on May 5. I keep telling myself I've got this. Mentally I'm doing better today than last night. My spouse told me she feels empty right before I went to try to sleep. Immediate thought was it's my fault she's going to leave, but was able to rationalize some what with myself in order to sleep. Here's to another day.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I'm not coping well. Constant anxiety and crying. Depression is growing worse every moment and I feel like I have no one and nothing I can do to stop it. Everything I've ever tried to do in life has failed.
I'm so exhausted. I don't even know why I'm posting on here anymore.

I'm feeling pretty labile. I don't feel so much like I'm in a meltdown like I did yesterday (all I did was lay in bed and bawl my eyes out intermittently), but I am not really happy. I'm glad I decided to go out with work friends last night; they were very affirming but it's the same affirmation I always get: I'm smart, I'm competent, everyone thinks so, I can do anything I set my mind to... Like I said before, it feels hollow when what I really want is meaningful relationships. And we were drinking last night so that probably wasn't great for my mood, either. Given my current mood state, I think I need to go on a fast from alcohol. Getting through this last semester and a half of school without totally melting down is my priority.

Trying to tell myself this is just a blip. I need this to be a blip. But I am recognising the patterns, and well...it doesn't feel like a blip. :/

[RebbieDoll]

I can't handle anything

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Trying to tell myself this is just a blip. I need this to be a blip. But I am recognising the patterns, and well...it doesn't feel like a blip. :/

Here's what I'm learning...

It is just a blip. They are all just blips. Our mind is like an ocean and the troubles are like waves in that ocean. They come... They go. Easy to understand, in my mind, but hard to accept and rationalize when I am in the throws of something. It's true though. Hang in there. Only a couple days ago I was ready to check out.

Oh, and they are patterns. It's what we call "tendencies." Like my idea to "check out." It is a tendency for me to find an escape from an uncomfortable feeling. I tend to want to do the wrong thing instead of just observing my feelings and allowing them to just be. You know I tend to say to myself, "I'm depressed" instead of saying "I am having uncomfortable feelings." So then I start to identify more with being depressed. This is not to say that I don't have a chemical imbalance, but if I can remember (again very hard due to tendencies) to phrase or look at things differently then the whole episode is less long and dramatic.

I hope that was helpful...

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Here's what I'm learning...

It is just a blip. They are all just blips. Our mind is like an ocean and the troubles are like waves in that ocean. They come... They go. Easy to understand, in my mind, but hard to accept and rationalize when I am in the throws of something. It's true though. Hang in there. Only a couple days ago I was ready to check out.

Oh, and they are patterns. It's what we call "tendencies." Like my idea to "check out." It is a tendency for me to find an escape from an uncomfortable feeling. I tend to want to do the wrong thing instead of just observing my feelings and allowing them to just be. You know I tend to say to myself, "I'm depressed" instead of saying "I am having uncomfortable feelings." So then I start to identify more with being depressed. This is not to say that I don't have a chemical imbalance, but if I can remember (again very hard due to tendencies) to phrase or look at things differently then the whole episode is less long and dramatic.

I hope that was helpful...

This is the truth.

I'm in a blip, too. But I feel better today than I did yesterday. Or for the last week, for that matter. I've been feeling depressed and then not all evening. A few hours ago, I wanted to go to the store to buy some wine or something just so I could numb that depressed, lonely, "I need attention and validation" feeling, but I know that it would just mess with my brain chemistry more and prolong this particular blip, so I was able to talk myself out of it. Yesterday, I didn't. I went out, planning on coming home after a meal and a drink or two. Six hours later, I crawled into bed feeling good about being with friends but cursing my lack of self-control and the fact that I had to be up for class in a few hours.

Be kind to yourself. It's all a blip. Don't allow your brain to tell you lies. I know it sounds trite, but if you can, try to counter the negative with something affirmative. I try to journal something positive about myself and my day. Sometimes it's incredibly hard. Sometimes I just don't do it. Most of the time, when I do it, it helps.

Originally Posted by RebbieDoll

I can't handle anything

"Anything" is a pretty broad statement. I find that there are certain things that, when I'm confronted with them, I'm usually not good at handling. Other things, I'm better at. Those things I'm not good at make me feel like I can't handle anything. But that's not true. I'm willing to bet it isn't true for you, either.

I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.

PS I like your avatar.

[dancinglady]

I have been rejected again

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm alright.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I have been rejected again

I would love to have dinner with you, dancinglady. Please don't let them ruin your day.

feeling unstable again

Extremely labile, still. I go from being okay, even happy-ish, to hurting and crying. I need to get past this latest setback, need to stop my thoughts revolving around the situation, him, and all the reasons why I don't ever feel good enough.

I'm shutting down. I hate myself.

I am truly dead inside. I have never felt so alone or so dead in my life.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this, because the realization that my end is very near is hitting me like a wall of bricks.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

I am truly dead inside. I have never felt so alone or so dead in my life.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this, because the realization that my end is very near is hitting me like a wall of bricks.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, Lilodian. I'm not doing well today either. I feel lost and over. If anything happened I hope you'll say.

Why do I keep checking into his feed, like poking a giant bruise? He wrote a poem today about being in love with her. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have read things so incredibly wrong? And how could I have let my guard down, giving into the feelings after so many years, for this? Never again. Never, ever again.

People always tell me to have hope, that I can't give up hope in my life. But this is what happens when I hope in any situation--it inevitably ends in pain.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

To my friends here that are struggling right now... All I can do is tell you that my thoughts are with you. I understand you are suffering and I know it hurts. It will pass on its own but you will need patience and compassion for yourself. if it's ok.

[jeremiahgirl]

Very tired, after not sleeping well last night. Then early rise to get my eyes examined, and dilated. Just exhausted