[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Espresso

I'm a mess. It's been a long time since I've been this calm and this determined to kill myself. I'm sitting here with music blasting in my ears because it helps to numb me. At least if I'm numb, I can go through the motions, I can maybe stay alive. I've called my therapist and tried suicide chats and chatrooms. I don't know what to do.

There's no rush to do anything. Just breathe and think of something beautiful. I am sending you lots of cyber hugs.

Originally Posted by Espresso

I'm a mess. It's been a long time since I've been this calm and this determined to kill myself. I'm sitting here with music blasting in my ears because it helps to numb me. At least if I'm numb, I can go through the motions, I can maybe stay alive. I've called my therapist and tried suicide chats and chatrooms. I don't know what to do.

This may sound totally ridiculous, but try grabbing some ice cubes out of the freezer, stand over the sink, and just hold them in your hands as long as you can tolerate. It's a DBT thing; gets your mind off of the cyclone in your head and zeros it in on your freezing hands.

Like I said, it sounds silly but I've done it and it at least calmed my mind a little bit to be able to refocus and think more rationally.

I am not myself right now. I'm that "Oh my God, who is she?" girl that people (namely significant others) get to know after a period of time knowing and falling for the friendly, cool, got-it-all-together girl. I am trying to limit my contact with people, trying not to text because I know my angry, manipulative side is going to come roaring out into any communication I send. But I am so lonely and so need validation. Trying very hard to remember that there is a reason for me to be alive, and that this dark, dark, dark feeling always passes.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I am not myself right now. I'm that "Oh my God, who is she?" girl that people (namely significant others) get to know after a period of time knowing and falling for the friendly, cool, got-it-all-together girl. I am trying to limit my contact with people, trying not to text because I know my angry, manipulative side is going to come roaring out into any communication I send. But I am so lonely and so need validation. Trying very hard to remember that there is a reason for me to be alive, and that this dark, dark, dark feeling always passes.

It does always pass. You aren't one or the other person, but a whole package that is unique and beautiful.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Espresso

I'm a mess. It's been a long time since I've been this calm and this determined to kill myself. I'm sitting here with music blasting in my ears because it helps to numb me. At least if I'm numb, I can go through the motions, I can maybe stay alive. I've called my therapist and tried suicide chats and chatrooms. I don't know what to do.

You need to get out of your head by distraction of some kind. Some suggestions:
-read a book
-play games on here
-go for a walk or just get outside
-watch a movie or television show, preferably something funny
-do a jigsaw puzzle
-crossword puzzle or similar
-work on a hobby
-anything to keep your hands busy
-baking
-Coloring
-bicycle
-origami
-clean out and organize a drawer
-clean anything

Getting started with anything will be the hardest part but you can do it.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm feeling anxious eh i dunno why i was like happy haha but i have gad oh i dunno like you know that feeling you get when you feel like you have done something wrong but you dont know what it is

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

You need to get out of your head by distraction of some kind. Some suggestions:
-read a book
-play games on here
-go for a walk or just get outside
-watch a movie or television show, preferably something funny
-do a jigsaw puzzle
-crossword puzzle or similar
-work on a hobby
-anything to keep your hands busy
-baking
-Coloring
-bicycle
-origami
-clean out and organize a drawer
-clean anything

Getting started with anything will be the hardest part but you can do it.

Great list, Achy !

A few more:
- Light some candles and some scented Japanese incense (sandalwood, musk, pine, cedarwood)
- Organize something at home
- Otherwise decorate your home ... artwork is great
- Learn about something you've always been curious about

[jeremiahgirl]

Long story, I've made a lot of progress in therapy last year so I've been feeling better about myself. I've actually felt "happy" deep down within my soul. Then a reality check hit me about the losing a friend or love one. (I have a personal friend who's 85) and my last conversation with him worried me. I've been emotionally troubled ever since. I can cry about him (in a second), if I let this dominate my mind I can't cope with life!! I feel sad depressed, grey just sooo sad. Then I think back on "where's my happiness gone to?" It's hard to find it again, I flip and flop with emotions...I'm not sure what to call these feelings. It's hard to shut off things when you deal with BPD!! I hate it. ):

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Sister and her children are making me so angry, can't sleep from the shoulder pain and I have to constantly take pain killers just to make it manageable.
Sick of this.

[Britneigh]

Being told you're "too old" to be self injuring Was a great feeling...

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

Being told you're "too old" to be self injuring Was a great feeling...

Ignorant people suck!

I'm 42 and it just started! They say naloxone treats this- I was on suboxone for 10 years this is in it. I am convinced this was part if why I was diagnosed so late. Once I stopped it and my prozac I had been on for PMDD. Now I have BPD!

[shezbut]

I am feeling super-depressed right now and just want to push (those who make some type of effort with me) away and hide. At the same time, I am very lonely. Kind of making the problem for myself, aren't I?

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am feeling super-depressed right now and just want to push (those who make some type of effort with me) away and hide. At the same time, I am very lonely. Kind of making the problem for myself, aren't I?

I do the same thing but I'm now working on the idea that loneliness is a state of mind and... I'm lonely. So what. Easier said than done but I'm working on it.

I feel like being alone is better/easier than trying to have relationships with other people. I'm not super depressed tonight; I'm actually okay. But not interacting with people beyond the scope of interaction at work is actually kind of a load off. Is it weird that sometimes I like to feel almost anonymous and invisible?

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I feel like being alone is better/easier than trying to have relationships with other people. I'm not super depressed tonight; I'm actually okay. But not interacting with people beyond the scope of interaction at work is actually kind of a load off. Is it weird that sometimes I like to feel almost anonymous and invisible?

I try the invisible thing at work by wearing headphones. I feel like a cat in that if I ignore them then maybe they are ignoring me. Friday my headphones were for a different reason... I'm trying to not be dragged into negative conversations with people. Since I work in receiving and I am kinda stuck back there, it is hard to get away when people come back to b***h.

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am feeling super-depressed right now and just want to push (those who make some type of effort with me) away and hide. At the same time, I am very lonely. Kind of making the problem for myself, aren't I?

Dear shezbut, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how you feel. You are unable to trust those who try to help you, right ?

Who are these people - friends or family ? And how do you push them away ? Do you explicitly tell them to get lost ? Do you just not let them get in your life ? It might be worth rethinking whether the risk of getting hurt outweighs the benefit of letting them in.

My suggestion to you would be - if you must push them away, please do so gently, without burning bridges. I've learned, through hard experience, that if bridges get burnt, regrets are the result

Sending warm love and best wishes that things get better for you soon

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I do the same thing but I'm now working on the idea that loneliness is a state of mind and... I'm lonely. So what. Easier said than done but I'm working on it.

Yes, Achy, it is a state of mind. Realizing that is a huge step forward ! Now, whenever you feel up to it, you can do something to cope with or change that state of mind !

Earlier in this thread, you provided someone with a great list of suggestions of things to do to stay occupied and feel better. I think you could benefit hugely from something similar ! Distract yourself from the loneliness.

Stay busy, don't let the devil enter your mind ! Keep dancing to keep the demons at bay.

You can do it ... because !

I'm practicing self-compassion and resilience quite well these days. I have some good days and some bad days, and am able to stay calm and ride out the bad days.

I'm able to forgive myself for doing stupid stuff like binging on bad food, which I was never able to do this well before. I'm embracing my imperfections much better these days.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

I'm practicing self-compassion and resilience quite well these days. I have some good days and some bad days, and am able to stay calm and ride out the bad days.

I'm able to forgive myself for doing stupid stuff like binging on bad food, which I was never able to do this well before. I'm embracing my imperfections much better these days.

As much as you enjoy seeing improvements in us, I can say that I enjoy hearing good stuff from you too. :-)

[Angelique67]

I'm wondering if age has softened my BPD traits. I'm so used to disappointment I have no expectations anymore anyway.

ETA: I'm very disappointed.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I'm wondering if age has softened my BPD traits. I'm so used to disappointment I have no expectations anymore anyway.

ETA: I'm very disappointed.

I know how you feel ... no expectations anymore I think age does soften our traits, coz we get used to being treated like dirt over and over and over again, till we just expect it all the time. Fun !

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

I know how you feel ... no expectations anymore I think age does soften our traits, coz we get used to being treated like dirt over and over and over again, till we just expect it all the time. Fun !

Thanks Lilodian. I wish I could change everything. Like that Bruce Springsteen song. (Dancing in the Dark I think)

[Britneigh]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Ignorant people suck!

It really did :/ especially coming from family i keep thinking about it and feel even more ashamed and embarrassed

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I'm wondering if age has softened my BPD traits. I'm so used to disappointment I have no expectations anymore anyway.

ETA: I'm very disappointed.

I usually try not to have expectations as, when I do (like most recently), I find that they are shattered and I fall into the BPD pit.

I think that age has softened my BPD somewhat since Friday and Saturday were pretty emotional and off-kilter but, by Sunday afternoon, I was more on the upswing and paying attention to stuff I need to get done and my future. I am sad, I feel alone, I am lonely, but I have a degree I need to focus on and that is what matters right now; it's my ticket to doubling my income and maybe even moving out of my area if I so choose. I don't have time to break down or I'll lose everything.

Side note: people tell me that I expect too much and I should just go into things with an open mind. I wonder if they realize that my expectations really are just to have what I see my friends having: love, security, friendship, family...