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After the stigma of BPD thread and another recent thread about a similar topic.. I posted a thread about not being perfect.

It's still playing on my mind though.

And i am wondering if how I felt about those threads caused me to feel so defensive because am actually wondering whether I am actually one of those awful people with BPD that is causing all the stigma..

I can be horrible, but I can only ever see it with hindsight. I find it so hard not to justify my bad behaviour. And my worst behaviour? I blame bpd for it.

What if I am just a *****? And the pain I am in and BPD is just a punishment or a result of being a *****.

I'm not a sociopath, i really do have feelings and care deeply about others and I don't intentionally Want to hurt people. And i want world peace, it sounds cheesy but if I had one wish I would wish to end human suffering.

I have hurt people though, and i have been manipulative and I have done bad things. Not violent or aggressive things.

I hate to admit this, i don't want people to know, it's my secret, i try to paint myself in a positive light.

I am not saying that BPD makes me a horrible person, i am saying I have BPD and separately to That i am not always a nice person.

Hey there, I understand these thoughts and questions you have in your mind very well. First off, I don't think you're a *****, AT ALL. You seem like a nice compassionate, intelligent, and funny person, from your posts on this forum.

You yourself mentioned that you don't intentionally hurt people. Now, if your actions cause some ignorant people to think that you are some sort of BPD poster child and that you're doing it intentionally and that all borderlines are manipulative, that's THEIR conclusion, their fault, not yours. I think they have no ducking idea what they're talking about.

Please don't beat yourself up like this. We all have hurt people at one time or another, and I'm sure that most of those times, none of us intended to do so. I think the only way for any human being to NEVER HURT ANYONE ELSE is to lock themselves up in a remote corner in Antarctica.

This illness can be really hard on us and on people around us. That doesn't mean you're a malicious person.

Big hugs. Now, please go give yourself a treat

[haleylaurel]

Originally Posted by widgets

After the stigma of BPD thread and another recent thread about a similar topic.. I posted a thread about not being perfect.

It's still playing on my mind though.

And i am wondering if how I felt about those threads caused me to feel so defensive because am actually wondering whether I am actually one of those awful people with BPD that is causing all the stigma..

I can be horrible, but I can only ever see it with hindsight. I find it so hard not to justify my bad behaviour. And my worst behaviour? I blame bpd for it.

What if I am just a *****? And the pain I am in and BPD is just a punishment or a result of being a *****.

I'm not a sociopath, i really do have feelings and care deeply about others and I don't intentionally Want to hurt people. And i want world peace, it sounds cheesy but if I had one wish I would wish to end human suffering.

I have hurt people though, and i have been manipulative and I have done bad things. Not violent or aggressive things.

I hate to admit this, i don't want people to know, it's my secret, i try to paint myself in a positive light.

I am not saying that BPD makes me a horrible person, i am saying I have BPD and separately to That i am not always a nice person.

i get you. I'm a super nice person, but when i get into a rage fit it's like a second person comes out and takes over me.

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by haleylaurel

i get you. I'm a super nice person, but when i get into a rage fit it's like a second person comes out and takes over me.

I'm the same, but I don't think I'm a nice person. I can be very nice and kind and considerate, but mostly I'm cold/neutral. But wow can I be a *****. And if my anger is awakened, there's no telling what I'll do.

I've been thinking more about your post, and have more to say.

"What if I am just a *****? And the pain I am in and BPD is just a punishment or a result of being a *****. "

I believe we ask ourselves these Qs because our suffering seems so harsh and others around us seem so happy, that we feel a sense of injustice and try to rationalize why we have been "chosen" to suffer, while others have it so easy.

We come up with a list of possibilities in our minds:
- I must be evil
- I must have sinned
- I must be inferior
- I have hurt other people (bad karma or whatever)
... hence, I deserve to suffer.

And, when we answer our own questions by rationalizing like this, we finally have some sort of closure and can rest assured that justice has been served (evil people deserve to suffer, sinners deserve punishment, etc).

That does not mean we are evil or have sinned or are inferior Unfortunate might be a more appropriate word.

Also, others' happy faces might conceal problems far worse than our own People are so concerned with appearances (as in appearing happy, not talking about looks here) that a smiling face is mandatory in a lot of public contexts.

As difficult as it might seem, try to find the positives in your life I thank God, each day, for music and exercise, and that the bullet that was supposed to end my suffering didn't paralyze or disfigure me ... I'm still able to lift.

Sorry if none of this helps or cheers you up, but I couldn't help myself.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by widgets

After the stigma of BPD thread and another recent thread about a similar topic.. I posted a thread about not being perfect.

It's still playing on my mind though.

And i am wondering if how I felt about those threads caused me to feel so defensive because am actually wondering whether I am actually one of those awful people with BPD that is causing all the stigma..

I can be horrible, but I can only ever see it with hindsight. I find it so hard not to justify my bad behaviour. And my worst behaviour? I blame bpd for it.

What if I am just a *****? And the pain I am in and BPD is just a punishment or a result of being a *****.

I'm not a sociopath, i really do have feelings and care deeply about others and I don't intentionally Want to hurt people. And i want world peace, it sounds cheesy but if I had one wish I would wish to end human suffering.

I have hurt people though, and i have been manipulative and I have done bad things. Not violent or aggressive things.

I hate to admit this, i don't want people to know, it's my secret, i try to paint myself in a positive light.

I am not saying that BPD makes me a horrible person, i am saying I have BPD and separately to That i am not always a nice person.

I can totally relate. I have some self-loathing regarding some of the things I have said and done to people.

One of the best things that happened to me lately was that a T I have dealt with for many years, one that I had "messed with" and said nasty things to... said to me that people with BPD are basically good people underneath.. That they had terrible things done to them, and developed some problematic traits, but that they were and are good people.

And along with the bad I have done, I do see the good, also.
I suspect it's the same way with people who don't have a PD. They do good things and bad things....
And those of us who admit our faults and are making attempts to change, are to be commended.

[widgets]

I just wrote a really long response but my phone froze and I lost it!!!

I wanted to say thank you lilodian4ever for your kind words and thoughtful response and to everyone who has responded, i see i am not the only one else with this conflict.

I think back to a few points in my life where mental health professionals have said some irresponsible and maybe downright thoughtless things.

A mental health nurse in the crisis team once told me she didn't think I had BPD as I seemed nice.
Part of me wanted to tell her how discriminatory she was being and with that attitude people in crisis weren't likely to want to be nice to her and had she not read the basics about bpd sufferers being joyful and loving and kind and empathetic. And that if someone with bpd was in crisis they clearly, like anyone,
Were in awful pain.
Instead though I thought maybe I had tricked her into thinking I was nice.

Also I had a therapist once who couldn't understand my negative view of myself, I told her she didn't understand and that i was a truly disgusting person, she said that this was all in my head and the depression was making me feel like this. I needed to make her see who i really was, so I told her everything Bad thing I had ever done, every time I had manipulated someone, how I deserved everything bad that had ever happened to me.
She didn't confirm that yes actually I was just awful, she explained to me how I had developed coping mechanisms from the past and quoted some Marshall Lineham about how I am not strictly attention seeking I am just trying to find love and nurture in the only way I know.
Within weeks my diagnosis was changed from bipolar to bpd.

I am so confused right now I am just going round in circles, maybe it's the black and white thinking, I feel like I have to be either good or bad, i cant get my head around being both.

[shakespeare47]

The more I learn about the MH community, the more it seems they are just stumbling around in the dark..

Psychology is better than nothing, I suppose.. but, sometimes it can be worse... and some people just don't have a clue.. Psychology degree or not.

[Trippin2.0]

You're not a bad person, and your dx isn't a kind of punishment for past sins.

Although I have entertained the same train of thought in the past.

I know its hard to see the grey area right now, but can you try to entertain the thought that you're a good person who (for whatever reason) during challenging times has resorted to bad behaviours?

That's how I see it anyway.

Because if we were actually bad people we wouldn't even care to look back at the damage we leave behind us.

Instead we look back, beat ourselves up, and get caught up in contrition like crazy.

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