[haleylaurel]

so i'm 21. i have a stable bf of a year and a half, we live together, have a dog together, etc. We're planning on getting married in a few years.
but all of a sudden, i have this idea of having a baby.
i've always loved babies, and now that i'm in my 20s my biological clock is going NUTS.
to make matters worse, i'm on the pill. and i keep forgetting to take it. i've been SO forgetful lately with my depression and all sorts of med changes. I put it next to my regular pills but i just forget sometimes. and everyone knows you have to take the pill consistently for it to work.
anyways, we had unprotected sex last night. and i just realized that it was probably during my ovulation.
rationally, i know this is an awful idea. i'm in such a terrible place emotionally, i can barely take care of myself. but i honestly feel like i have nothing to live for, and a baby would give me reason to live, get up in the morning and be a part of society. not to mention unconditional love, which is amazing.

[greyclouds]

As a single mum of two children I will tell you honestly and true fully

A BABY WILL NEVER FIX YOUR PROBLEMS

Yeah sure it's great having kids and I love mine dearly.
But until you can look after yourself a baby is a big NO NO

Having a mental illness and trying to raise a child is HARDWORK

Them nights when you don't get sleep now because of over thinking...
Imagine them nights with a screaming baby?

Them mornings when you struggle to get dressed or even get out of bed.... You have to with a baby.

Being a parent is hard work....

I think what you need to do... Is firstly take the morning after pill.
Take care of yourself, make sure your mental health is stable.
Read up on being a parent. And speak to others that our parents.
You can be an amazing mum one day.
But having a baby to give you a reason to live or fix any of your problems is not the way.

Love from a tired, stressed mum

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Little Jay]

I totally understand this, I'm feeling just the same at the minute. I know a baby would''t help my problems, but I feel like it's what I want more than anything in the world right now. I start to resent my boyfriend for not being able to find a job after losing his, because I see it as him holding me back from what I really want - which is so selfish, I know. I think maybe we imagine that having a baby will magically make us a happy person and give us something to live for, when in reality we should probably wait until our mental problems are stable. Hugs!

[msxyz]

No, this is not how it works.

You are 21, your clock is not ticking. You have an idealized image of motherhood where the baby gives you unconditional love, well guess what, that's not the baby's job and you are supposed to provide it with unconditional love. You are supposed to take care of the baby's needs, not vice versa, everything else is damaging to the child.

And I promise you, once the baby cries inconsolably or starts to learn the word no, you won't feel unconditionally loved anymore, and then you will be stuck with the responsibility for another human being while you can't even take care of yourself yet and that will make you even more desperate as it slowly dawns on you that there is no way out of this for the next 18 years.

This is a really bad idea. I hope you are not pregnant. And I hope if you are not that you will go and get an IUD instead of taking the pill.

[haleylaurel]

Originally Posted by Akama

No, this is not how it works.

You are 21, your clock is not ticking. You have an idealized image of motherhood where the baby gives you unconditional love, well guess what, that's not the baby's job and you are supposed to provide it with unconditional love. You are supposed to take care of the baby's needs, not vice versa, everything else is damaging to the child.

And I promise you, once the baby cries inconsolably or starts to learn the word no, you won't feel unconditionally loved anymore, and then you will be stuck with the responsibility for another human being while you can't even take care of yourself yet and that will make you even more desperate as it slowly dawns on you that there is no way out of this for the next 18 years.

This is a really bad idea. I hope you are not pregnant. And I hope if you are not that you will go and get an IUD instead of taking the pill.

wow no need to be rude

[haleylaurel]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

I totally understand this, I'm feeling just the same at the minute. I know a baby would''t help my problems, but I feel like it's what I want more than anything in the world right now. I start to resent my boyfriend for not being able to find a job after losing his, because I see it as him holding me back from what I really want - which is so selfish, I know. I think maybe we imagine that having a baby will magically make us a happy person and give us something to live for, when in reality we should probably wait until our mental problems are stable. Hugs!

i'm SO glad i'm not alone in this feeling.
thank you for validating my feelings in stead of being inconsiderate and rude
i know i should probably wait, logically, but emotionally, there's nothing i want more.

[haleylaurel]

Originally Posted by greyclouds

As a single mum of two children I will tell you honestly and true fully

A BABY WILL NEVER FIX YOUR PROBLEMS

Yeah sure it's great having kids and I love mine dearly.
But until you can look after yourself a baby is a big NO NO

Having a mental illness and trying to raise a child is HARDWORK

Them nights when you don't get sleep now because of over thinking...
Imagine them nights with a screaming baby?

Them mornings when you struggle to get dressed or even get out of bed.... You have to with a baby.

Being a parent is hard work....

I think what you need to do... Is firstly take the morning after pill.
Take care of yourself, make sure your mental health is stable.
Read up on being a parent. And speak to others that our parents.
You can be an amazing mum one day.
But having a baby to give you a reason to live or fix any of your problems is not the way.

Love from a tired, stressed mum

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

thanks so much for your kind words.
i totally understand.
you are amazing for what you do. <3

[ifst5]

I don't think anyone really knows for sure when they're ready for parenthood. All you can do is make sure you're financially sound, have good health and are in a stable relationship. Though a lot of people have only 1 out of 3 if that and do ok. Guess it depends on a persons resilience.

[technigal]

I don't think Akama was trying to be rude (I could be wrong) but just trying to stress to you how hard kids are. Babies are wonderful when you can give them back at the end of a few hours. My son was an "easy" baby without many demands, I was lucky. Now I watch my son struggle with his own mental health issues and it breaks my heart. He had to watch me as I spent two weeks in the psych ward away from him, that broke his heart.

Honestly, I would wait until you get your mental health under control before thinking of a baby.

[fletch33]

Only have a baby if you are ready for what that entails. The late nights staying up with the baby. Buying everything the baby needs. Feeding the baby. Changing the baby's diaper. Sacrificing all of your free time for the baby. Having your life revolve around the baby.

You get the idea.

I'm 27 and still don't have a baby, despite being with the same guy for 4.5 years. Don't rush it. You have PLENTY of time. You're still quite young.

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by greyclouds

A BABY WILL NEVER FIX YOUR PROBLEMS

That is true. A baby will not fix your problems. But I can tell you honestly that mine gave me a reason to live. She has been my only lifeline in numerous crises. She is what has made me hesitate with my means of killing myself. She has made me think twice instead of giving in to impulse. I love her more than life. I love her more than I hate myself.

But of course there is a flip side to this. Babies are hard work. One of my positive attributes is that I feel obligated to take care of my responsibilities. I must do it. So even though some days I didn't feel like taking care of myself, I still took care of the baby and I did it well. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I changed most of the diapers. I did the baby's laundry. I still get up in the mornings even though I'm exhausted while my husband sleeps in. Etc. Etc. You need to be able to do what needs to be done even if you don't want to, don't feel like it, or are having a bad day. If you're not sure that you will be able to put your own problems aside and put the needs of the baby first, then having a baby is something you should think twice about.

[haleylaurel]

Originally Posted by haleylaurel

so i'm 21. i have a stable bf of a year and a half, we live together, have a dog together, etc. We're planning on getting married in a few years.
but all of a sudden, i have this idea of having a baby.
i've always loved babies, and now that i'm in my 20s my biological clock is going NUTS.
to make matters worse, i'm on the pill. and i keep forgetting to take it. i've been SO forgetful lately with my depression and all sorts of med changes. I put it next to my regular pills but i just forget sometimes. and everyone knows you have to take the pill consistently for it to work.
anyways, we had unprotected sex last night. and i just realized that it was probably during my ovulation.
rationally, i know this is an awful idea. i'm in such a terrible place emotionally, i can barely take care of myself. but i honestly feel like i have nothing to live for, and a baby would give me reason to live, get up in the morning and be a part of society. not to mention unconditional love, which is amazing.

Originally Posted by Espresso

That is true. A baby will not fix your problems. But I can tell you honestly that mine gave me a reason to live. She has been my only lifeline in numerous crises. She is what has made me hesitate with my means of killing myself. She has made me think twice instead of giving in to impulse. I love her more than life. I love her more than I hate myself.

But of course there is a flip side to this. Babies are hard work. One of my positive attributes is that I feel obligated to take care of my responsibilities. I must do it. So even though some days I didn't feel like taking care of myself, I still took care of the baby and I did it well. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I changed most of the diapers. I did the baby's laundry. I still get up in the mornings even though I'm exhausted while my husband sleeps in. Etc. Etc. You need to be able to do what needs to be done even if you don't want to, don't feel like it, or are having a bad day. If you're not sure that you will be able to put your own problems aside and put the needs of the baby first, then having a baby is something you should think twice about.

thank you

[detachedangst]

My kids have kept me from trying to commit suicide also. I wasn't sick when I had my kids. My issues didn't begin to show until 4 years ago. I used to be a great mom. I was always on top of all my kids needs and it made feel proud and very happy. Now my husband does more than his fare share. I feel so bad for my kids. They just want a Mom who is attentive and I am failing miserably. I'm failing as a wife, mom and employee. My kids do give me unconditional love but I can see the hurt I cause when I can't get out of bed to play with them, I'm freaking out to much to go to a school function, the list goes on and on. Sorry this turned into me venting and feeling woe is me

[Little Jay]

I'm glad to know it's not just me too - all my friends think I'm crazy for wanting one when I'll only be 20 when it's born... everyone has the same speech about living your life first etc etc, but my Mum was 16 when she had me, and I have had an amazing life and look up to her so much. My Dad was 20 and I guess they were lucky he found a good job to support them, but I wouldn't have changed them for anything. Apparently it must run in my family to want kids young because my mum says both her Mum and Grandma were the same. Maybe it's because I've always been told I'm like a 30 year old in a young persons body lol hugs x

[greyclouds]

My mum was 17 and my dad was 19 when they had me. I got everything I needed.

I had my son just after my 21st birthday. My daughter when I was 28. My children don't go with out nothing. They have most then normal children with 2 parents. But them things aren't important. It's about being there. The smiles the love you can give.

My mental health issues have extremely bad at times.

And yes it's all well and good saying our children give us a reason for living.... But when your at your worse when your in the darkest and lowest place you can be.. The only thing you can think is they are better off with out me.
SELFISH? To bloody right.

But that's how it is for some.

I found being a young mum. Was great.. But when my friends were going out and I wanted to go have fun... Because well I'm entitled too. And I couldn't go. Because no baby sitter. I felt trapped. Lonely and angry. Not at my kids but because well I guess cos I couldn't have both.

My son is now 12... The cute stage has gone! Do you know how many times he says he hates me? Lots.. Because I won't let him have his own way..

My daughter says she won't be my friend any more if I don't buy her a kinda egg in the local shop..

When I was in my darkest place those words killed me like a stabbing knife to my chest. Being BPD I can't stand those words that some one hates me let alone my own children. Even if they don't mean it and I it's a tantrum.

These are the things you need to consider.
You will do what you have to do. But please like I said before just be 100% and do your homework into having a baby.

Man I hope this makes sense



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[Trippin2.0]

Rest assured that your clock isn't ticking, you're broody, and there's a huge difference

Being broody happens to the best of us, I remember the first time it happend to me, I was about 17, had only 1 sexual encounter to speak of, and had no bf... But dammit I wanted a tiny baby so bad, with tiny feet and tiny clothes etc...

Even now, it happens to me from time to time too (moreso now since I turned 30) and I've always been adamant that I'll never have another child.

Ssssh, don't tell a soul, because I haven't admitted that to anyone before now.

So yeah, just because the urge is there and the idea looks lovely in our heads, doesn't mean we should follow through right now, if at all.

[Flooded]

I currently have a surprise baby on board and I'm honestly dreading the birth and everything after. My eldest triggered the BPD in me and I haven't recovered even though he's nine now and I've had nine years of therapy. God, the baby screaming is dreadful esp if they have reflux and scream non bloody stop for hours and hours which turns into days/weeks etc. Awful for everyone but you can't just give baby back. It's yours and you are responsible.
No one truly has any idea what having a baby will do to their life until you have one. So go ahead, have a baby and find out just how demanding it is. Even when you're so sick you can't face getting up, you have no choice at all.
A baby will also change your relationship with your partner. He will have to take a backseat for a few years. Many couples split during the first years as the pressure is enormous and some people can't adapt.

[Pierro]

haleylaurel, you said you are in a terribly emotional place right now, and you know deep down that a baby will not solve this, if anything it can make it worse. You are only 21 years old and I dont have to tell you that a baby puts a strain on the most stable of couples. Nobody can tell you that your biological clock is not ticking. Be kind to yourself haley and give yourself some time to be in a more stable frame of mind.

Best wishes..

[woundedsoul]

Hi Haley, how have you been doing? Congrats on getting the internship, I'm really proud of you and also very excited for you too! I just have a couple of questions to ask you okay? First, you're only in your early 20's, you've barely just begun your life, you're just starting to get your feet wet in the workforce, right? Like with this internship. Is your career important to you? If so, then, you really need to think long and hard about whether or not you are going to have a baby right now. First of, I would take the morning after pill. I don't think right this minute is the right time for a child, whether or not you plan to have one in the near future or not. I would think that it would be a much better idea, that if you do decide to have a child, you and your partner are married first, and have sat down and talked about it, and decided together. Don't start a life with a mistake. It's so much better when you can tell your child that they were conceived out of loved, and had been a planned pregnant, and obviously very wanted by both loving parents. And, believe it or not, it does make a difference to the children, to have their parents married, and be conceived while their parents were married. Too many people think now a days that that doesn't matter anymore, when in fact, to the children, it really does. In fact, it makes a huge difference having both parents in the home raising the kids. They are more likely not to get into trouble, and to finish H.S., and to go to college, to end up with better paying jobs. These are just some of the fact . I'm not trying to down single mothers, don't get me wrong. I have great respect for them, and the enormous job yhey v have to tackle on their own. I commend them! But, I'm sure that many of them had wished that their babies daddy's had stepped up to the plates, or possibly that they had waited until they were older, and more secure in their careers before they had become mothers, so they could better support their children if something like this (their significant other leaving) happened. Well, I just wanted to give you a few things to think about. Again, no disrespect meant towards single mothers, you women work harder than no other!! God Bless you!