[jcl76]

Hi there. I am new here and needed to talk about my current experience looking for guidance and clarification of what just took place. I was diagnosed with BPD about 1.5 years ago after totally falling apart from failing letting go of failed relationships.

I met a girl a year ago, and we were romantic at first then became friends although she wanted more. After a little I started to come around but I wasn’t real romantic, or gave her what she needed. She still talked about mainly kinda jokingly that she wanted a relationship. Mind you, this girl knew about my disorder, my medication, my bad credit, tax issues, and still said she accepts me. Why we totally connected was mainly for that and she had her issues as well, and we got each other. She had two children which the one teenage boy didn’t have a relationship with his father because of childhood abuse so he had his issues as well and has never trusted another man. Well we became close too, and she loved that. Another reason was our sense of humor together and how fun they were just always made for a good time, and walking in her door just made all stresses life out on you, simply vanish instantly.
Well, my problem is what I had with her was great! It was safe! Basically I had my cake and ate it too. She kinda flirted with dating and talked to a guy because we were physical again then stopped because she said I am the only one she wants, and insisted she wanted a relationship. I travel for work for periods of time and had to leave town. Jokingly she made a comment about him as I was on the road that upset me. We talked and she said she was sorry I have stated many times I didn’t want anything so why could I be jealous of it. When I was out of town I was jealous, bitter, standoffish to her. I told her I didn’t want to talk about a relationship anymore, and she said she was moving on (mind you we were totally like best friends and couldn’t understand how she could do that to me). She went on match.com and said she was done. I then did a total 180! She said it was too late. I got drunk, called her and was really emotional which she has never experienced. We went back and forth like this for a week. She would say lets talk when I got back and I would say no I am done. Basically did the whole push and pull thing.

Now once I realized that she was mentally moved on, I THEN realized what I had done. I THEN realized how much I liked her and knew I just took it all for granted. I had major anxiety attacks, and tried to talk to her and she was caring but still insisted she couldn’t do this. Finally I said I am coming home. We planned on talking about it, and when I got back on my birthday they had me a cake, food, and gifts. We had a great two days, and I felt it. I took my guard down, brought her flowers and kissed which I never did. She was kinda cold to it and said she was just processing this 180 I had just done after months of here wanting more. Well she then stated she wanted to take it slow but still went on a date with another guy. I then told her I am finally done because of that which it felt unsafe.

My problem that I am facing now is that I took a great girl for granted that accepted me and didn’t judge me. Its tough knowing that she saw that side of me and I am sure which is why she realized that its best to walk away. Now I am totally in the bitter, regrets faze and its hard to accept it.

[kaliope]

you may want to consider that the only reason you decided you wanted her is because she decided it was over and she didnt want a relationship anymore. that was abandonment as well. when you realized you couldnt have her, that made you finally want her. does that make sense?

[jcl76]

Oh I totally get that! That is why I am confused. Was it because she pulled away, or a combo that I did want her but my fear kept me from a emotional relationship? I had major walls up and it was safe. The tough part is she truly gets me and accepts my BPD. Its hard to remain positive that finding that is tough to find.

Originally Posted by kaliope

you may want to consider that the only reason you decided you wanted her is because she decided it was over and she didnt want a relationship anymore. that was abandonment as well. when you realized you couldnt have her, that made you finally want her. does that make sense?

[jcl76]

Well I have told her now that I cant be even friends. The last few days have been texting and our jovial selves then I want to share my feelings about us and messing up. She was very understanding but made no plans to see me, although I am leaving town next week.

Yesterday she said that there is to much feelings involved and now is not a good time to think about but know "we love you". That made me feel great for a little while then feelings got in the way again. I have kept showing this side of me with push and pull, that I cant tell she is getting drained by it (despite her being understanding), and I told her that I cant offer any value of stability to her life right now and I will only get in the way of her finding someone and being happy and I dont want to be around when it happnens. I have to move on to find my happiness and having her in my life with keep me from that.

One thing I hate what I said, is that if she ever had a change of heart then I would take her back anytime (sounds pathetic). I effing HATE BPD! I know if I had a level head and control over my emotions I wouldnt have screwed it up as bad and pushed her further and further each time, and not she has seen this side of me. I am 39, no kids, and never been married. Knowing what she knows and have seen I love even more for being so understanding and awesome to me. Being who I am I feel like I will never find someone like her which is what I need. I am slowing giving up hope which has grown to almost nothing over the years and only has gotten worse.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by jcl76

....I then told her I am finally done because of that which it felt unsafe.



.... Its tough knowing that she saw that side of me and I am sure which is why she realized that its best to walk away....

Hate to break it to you, but you're the one who walked away friend, not she.


I myself have struggled immensely with this PP bs, what "cured" me will probably be seen as negative or unhealthy though.


After breaking up every 3 months like friggin clockwork, my (then fwb), now bf finally gave me an ultimatum with our last reconciliation.... He told me how much I've repeatedly hurt him (I for some reason thought he was unaffected, couldn't care less) and that he's willing to try again, but if I dump him again, I dump him, he'll believe me when I say that is what I want, and he won't give me another chance to change my mind....


So, his ultimatum, my fear of hurting him again and subsequently losing him for good has kept my pushing private for over 2 years now.


I push him in my journal at first it was still frequent, but now?

Cant remember the last time I wrote to him in there.



Journaling made it easier to not lash out in the moment, so I have adopted a better habit over time.


Anyway, I don't actually have advice or anything, just wanted you to know I've been in very similar shoes, and my relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is at present.

[jcl76]

My struggle now is being conflicted to say or go again. We went out last night and agreed we just need to enjoy each other and had a great time (fact). She gave me a small kiss on the lips and a really long hug, and said "just give me time"/. I did tell her that I didnt want to focus on us and focus on my, and that I did write her an email explaining the clarity I had, which outlined my behavior was consistant with the characteristics on BDP. She knows and understands. She and her children all have issues, and meds, etc, but are very awesome people.

I want to have healthy boundaries up, and as much as I try it still bothers me that she is on Match.com. That makes me want to push away again, but I want to prove I can handle myself and not follow the pattern that has gotten in this place. Do I stay or go, and can I focus on me with her in the picture.