[Chuva]

I'm feeling so bad I can't even start to talk about it. I pondered for a long time about writing this post.

I'm frozen most of the time. I can't feel any emotion at all and I wouldn't care or even notice if the third world war was about to start. Sometimes I'm so frozen I can't move anymore. That happens especially in bed. I can't have sex anymore. I can't touch my partner in a sexual way. He can do things to me, sometimes, but I can't reciprocate. Because I have flashbacks and I freeze real bad.

I'm dissociated most of the time. I feel like I'm on a different planet and not in my body at all. I can't feel what happens around me. I can't remember very important things I say or do. My bf tells me what's happened but I can't remember it, or I can remember only very vaguely. This can happen also very few hours after the thing's happened.

I'm terribly scared. I'm starting with a new T in 10 days' time but I don't know if I can make it. I'm so scared and I fear my bf is going to leave me because he appears very scared, too. He says he's feeling awful. I know he can't stand all this anymore.

What should I do?

I am so sorry you're going through this. I have been through similar bouts of dissociation, where I felt as though I were drifting through my life, both because of extreme distress and because I was on a medication which caused extreme anhedonia (that lasted for months and months and was awful). Just curious, are you taking any new (or old) meds which may be causing this reaction?

This may sound very new age to some, but my T has always strongly recommended it. Have you tried meditation? I do it almost daily, sometimes twice a day when I am really stressed. I am a new nurse, and 5-8 minutes just before work can help me stay focused at work, and then a longer time after work can help me go to sleep. It helps some people to stay grounded and mindful, which is part of the focus of DBT for those of us that struggle with BPD.

There are many guided meditation videos on YouTube which are even as short as 5 minutes which you can play, lie down and listen to, and they will walk you through the steps of relaxing and focusing. I started with 5 minutes and I've sometimes stretched it to 30 minutes...anything past that, I tend to start drifting off. But I feel like, when I'm so distressed that I'm dissociating and beginning to live life on autopilot, I need to get more "grounded," so to speak, and find a way to bring myself back into reality. Focusing inward, the way that meditation does, and how guided meditation will have you focus on your body and relaxing every part, may help. I am very, very good at living on autopilot and can function very well. But that's not a life, you know?

If you try it, let me know what you think.

[Chuva]

Thanks so much, Ruari.

Meditation doesn't sound "new age" to me. I was on the receiving end of MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) for a long time and mindfulness meditation used to help somewhat, although not always, perhaps because I wasn't constant in practicing it. I have a CD with guided meditations and also an app on my smartphone. I should start it all over again, it might help.

I've been on the same meds for a while now. I've been on Abilify for 3 and a half years, and on Lamictal for about 6 months or so. So I don't think it's the meds.

I used to dissociate from time to time, when I was very stressed out, but now I do it almost all the time, and it's scary. I just hope my new T will be able to help. She's specialized in BPD and also in trauma, so she might be the right one for me - or at least, I hope so.

[Cavegirl]

Hello Chuva.

You supported and encouraged me a week or so ago on a thread I had posted. I thank you. I am just going to paste something you wrote in regards to your boyfriend.

"...But he's still here for me and, when I asked him a few days later, he said
he's not going to leave me, not even close."

He loves you.

You will be seeing a new therapist, so you now have that terrible worry taken care of. I will also be seeing a new therapist, but not until the 14th. Although it is a waiting game and frustrating, I am looking at it as a positive. It is a sign that we have not given up hope, we have made a great effort in seeking help. Right now that is a huge victory!

I had stopped having sex with my husband this past September. I just stopped, turned off. It was very out of character for me. But, I must have worked through it on my own somehow because all of a sudden last month, I felt the urge. Granted, it's only been two times in a month...but...it's a start for me. You have been with your boyfriend for three years, I imagine that he understands you are going through a very difficult time. My husband has told me that I can be difficult, but he sees that I am trying and doing the very best that I can do at this moment. You helped open my eyes to that only a week ago.

This disorder is so, so difficult. We can pull through this.

[Chuva]

Hi Cavegirl,

This all shows how I can be different from one day to the other, and even forget things I said. I can't remember saying those things to you, but I just need to browse through my posts to find those words, so I know they're real.

You're right, my bf has given me proof he's not going to leave me (or at least, not in the near future), but I'm so scared all the same.

Last week I remembered vividly how I was sexually abused 14 years ago (that's a long time ago!), and I was so detached and indifferent while telling it to my bf that he got awfully scared. I even have a very hard time considering it abuse, since I wasn't threatened at gunpoint or anything similar. But my bf says it was so clearly abuse, since I said "no" to the man.

My bf also says I overreact big time to relatively small things, especially sexual things that happen between us, and I can't remember a single thing about it. We've ended up with him telling me what happened and me taking notes so I can talk about it with my new t. He was so distressed, and it's very weird to me because he's normally so steady and strong.

I can't wait for next Monday when my therapy is going to start.

You're right, I am very motivated, more so as I travel 5 hours roundtrip to see my t. I hope I can get through this.

Thanks so much

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by Chuva

Hi Cavegirl,

This all shows how I can be different from one day to the other, and even forget things I said. I can't remember saying those things to you, but I just need to browse through my posts to find those words, so I know they're real.

You're right, my bf has given me proof he's not going to leave me (or at least, not in the near future), but I'm so scared all the same.

Last week I remembered vividly how I was sexually abused 14 years ago (that's a long time ago!), and I was so detached and indifferent while telling it to my bf that he got awfully scared. I even have a very hard time considering it abuse, since I wasn't threatened at gunpoint or anything similar. But my bf says it was so clearly abuse, since I said "no" to the man.

My bf also says I overreact big time to relatively small things, especially sexual things that happen between us, and I can't remember a single thing about it. We've ended up with him telling me what happened and me taking notes so I can talk about it with my new t. He was so distressed, and it's very weird to me because he's normally so steady and strong.

I can't wait for next Monday when my therapy is going to start.

You're right, I am very motivated, more so as I travel 5 hours roundtrip to see my t. I hope I can get through this.

Thanks so much

I am sorry to hear of your abuse. I do hope that you find your therapist suitable and are able to work towards giving you some relief and much needed peace of mind.

I share some of your traits to an extent with not being able to remember things, as well as being completely inconsistent as to my feelings towards...well...everything.

Keep me posted. I would like to know how you are doing.

[Chuva]

Thanks Cavegirl, I will