[Pastel Kitten]

It was my 21st birthday yesterday and it was one of the worst birthdays I've ever had. A good friend of mine hurt my feelings and triggered a terrible breakdown that lasted for hours. I couldn't stop crying. When I went to go out and try to have fun unfortunate circumstances got in the way of that too, so my mood worsened (being vague because I'm too mentally exhausted to explain it in full). I went home excited at least to eat cake only to be treated like **** by my mom over skype. I'm sick of her telling me that I'm essentially a burden to everyone and rubbing in my face how I need to get a job when I've never been mentally stable enough to work...despite me telling her over and over that I'm going to therapy and doing my best to get better. When I told her my birthday consisted of mainly breakdowns, she asked how my boyfriend is coping with that. "People get affected by your meltdowns"....as if I'm not the one suffering.

I just wanted to have a good birthday and my boyfriend tried his best to make it a good one. I just don't know why people I consider friends or family have to make me feel so miserable.

[lolarose]

I am so sorry to hear that you spent your birthday in this way, especially such an important one as well. It is never a nice thing to have your special day spoiled in this way.
It honestly seems to me as if your mother has not yet come to full terms with your condition. Parents will often think it is their fault that we are the way we are, and therefore use defensive mechanisms to validate their feelings and try and understand your actions. It is unfair to speak to you in such a way on your birthday. Perhaps you should sit her down and remind her that the person that your illness affects most is YOU, and right now you're in the process of helping YOURSELF, and in turn you will soon be able to help those around you by being healthy. I am glad that you have support from your boyfriend, and I sense you trust him the most and have a strong supportive relationship with him. Hold onto that, and use it to help yourself through your healing process. If healing means removing negative energy from your life, then perhaps you should think about lessening contact with those who cause you sadness and pain until you think you're ready.

Best wishes X

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[Unrigged64072835]

I'm sorry you had a terrible birthday. I'm glad that your boyfriend tried to make it special for you even with all the unfortunate trouble you had.

[jeremiahgirl]

I'm soooooo sorry to hear your birthday was so difficult. Sometimes, others can be so jealous; my great niece gets so moody & anti-social around birthdays! It's a struggle for all when there's birthdays. However, please know we your friends support and care for you.


Happy Birthday Sweetie

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[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

It was my 21st birthday yesterday and it was one of the worst birthdays I've ever had. A good friend of mine hurt my feelings and triggered a terrible breakdown that lasted for hours. I couldn't stop crying. When I went to go out and try to have fun unfortunate circumstances got in the way of that too, so my mood worsened (being vague because I'm too mentally exhausted to explain it in full). I went home excited at least to eat cake only to be treated like **** by my mom over skype. I'm sick of her telling me that I'm essentially a burden to everyone and rubbing in my face how I need to get a job when I've never been mentally stable enough to work...despite me telling her over and over that I'm going to therapy and doing my best to get better. When I told her my birthday consisted of mainly breakdowns, she asked how my boyfriend is coping with that. "People get affected by your meltdowns"....as if I'm not the one suffering.

I just wanted to have a good birthday and my boyfriend tried his best to make it a good one. I just don't know why people I consider friends or family have to make me feel so miserable.

I had a birthday too this past week. Since it fell on a Monday, my mom called me last Sunday. Her favored child is accepted any day of the week, but not me.

Anyway, my friend didn't even call me, when I go weeks not hearing from anyone at all. Same with the relatives. Same everywhere.

I'm sorry your birthday was sad and crappy, mine was too. So, Happy Birthday belatedly! 🎂🍸🍹

[Pastel Kitten]

Thank you all for the support. I really needed it. Yes, my boyfriend is very supportive of me and I'm so grateful and appreciative that he tried to make my birthday special despite everything that was going on. There is one thing that I'm REALLY looking forward to: he is going to take me to a theme park for a belated birthday gift!!! I'm so excited! I really hope it makes up for the actual birthday itself.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl

I'm soooooo sorry to hear your birthday was so difficult. Sometimes, others can be so jealous; my great niece gets so moody & anti-social around birthdays! It's a struggle for all when there's birthdays. However, please know we your friends support and care for you.


Happy Birthday Sweetie

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Omg! It's so ironic you posted this hello kitty pic because my birthday cake was hello kitty themed! I'm glad I could at least have this

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I had a birthday too this past week. Since it fell on a Monday, my mom called me last Sunday. Her favored child is accepted any day of the week, but not me.

Anyway, my friend didn't even call me, when I go weeks not hearing from anyone at all. Same with the relatives. Same everywhere.

I'm sorry your birthday was sad and crappy, mine was too. So, Happy Birthday belatedly! 🎂🍸🍹

Ahhh I'm really sorry to hear you also had a bad birthday. It's so unfair! Neither my mom or dad called me..which mildly surprised me since they do usually call. I never know if they care much or not, especially considering how I'm treated a lot of the time...

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by lolarose

I am so sorry to hear that you spent your birthday in this way, especially such an important one as well. It is never a nice thing to have your special day spoiled in this way.
It honestly seems to me as if your mother has not yet come to full terms with your condition. Parents will often think it is their fault that we are the way we are, and therefore use defensive mechanisms to validate their feelings and try and understand your actions. It is unfair to speak to you in such a way on your birthday. Perhaps you should sit her down and remind her that the person that your illness affects most is YOU, and right now you're in the process of helping YOURSELF, and in turn you will soon be able to help those around you by being healthy. I am glad that you have support from your boyfriend, and I sense you trust him the most and have a strong supportive relationship with him. Hold onto that, and use it to help yourself through your healing process. If healing means removing negative energy from your life, then perhaps you should think about lessening contact with those who cause you sadness and pain until you think you're ready.

Best wishes X

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

I would love to have a good talk with her like that but sadly I can't anytime soon since I haven't lived with her for 5 years. I've tried to discuss this over skype or phone many times and it's like she either completely forgets what I've told her or chooses to ignore it. Mental illness isn't discussed in my family almost at all. Apparently my grandma was bipolar and my dad, her own child, didn't even know it. My mom was the one who told me that, and that was only after I inquired if there was a history of mental illness in my family when I was asked by my doctor. She herself could use some help..

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Ahhh I'm really sorry to hear you also had a bad birthday. It's so unfair! Neither my mom or dad called me..which mildly surprised me since they do usually call. I never know if they care much or not, especially considering how I'm treated a lot of the time...

I agree with one of the others here, that you would be forgotten on an important turning point birthday is all the worse. I'm old and I shouldn't even care except that I'm so alone. I hope your parents will make it up to you.

ETA shouldn't even care is meant towards my birthday, not yours, pastel kitten! Just wanted to clarify!

I am sorry it sucked *hugs*

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I agree with one of the others here, that you would be forgotten on an important turning point birthday is all the worse. I'm old and I shouldn't even care except that I'm so alone. I hope your parents will make it up to you.

ETA shouldn't even care is meant towards my birthday, not yours, pastel kitten! Just wanted to clarify!

Thank you. I don't think they will make it up to me but I've stopped getting my hopes up regarding anything to do with my parents these days. They have their good moments but ultimately they have made my life so much harder than necessary.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Thank you. I don't think they will make it up to me but I've stopped getting my hopes up regarding anything to do with my parents these days. They have their good moments but ultimately they have made my life so much harder than necessary.

yes... This whole thing where my relative can call my mother but I can't. Who makes these cruel and crazy types of relating. I get nothing but pain when I talk to one of them. Even though I've told myself not to blame them anymore because I could leave their crazy world again if I want/need to, it hurts so much.

I hope it isn't going to be that way for you, PK. 🎈🎉🎈🎁i don't think it will be.

🎂 I'm sorry your birthday wasn't what you were expecting. Happy belated birthday!!

[ImmerAllein]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

she asked how my boyfriend is coping with that. "People get affected by your meltdowns"....as if I'm not the one suffering.

Selfishness

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I just don't know why people I consider friends or family have to make me feel so miserable.

You'll learn, as you get older, that "family" is a very loosely defined term. Blood doesn't guarantee love and support ! You will someday come to a point where you are very selective with people and that tight knit group of good people close to you, related or not, will be your "family"

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by ImmerAllein

Selfishness


You'll learn, as you get older, that "family" is a very loosely defined term. Blood doesn't guarantee love and support ! You will someday come to a point where you are very selective with people and that tight knit group of good people close to you, related or not, will be your "family"

Oh I'm very aware that blood relation doesn't necessarily make a person true "family." It's a bit difficult because my mom does have her kind moments where I really do believe she loves me. I'm in almost no contact with my extended family beyond my mom and dad (I don't have any real emotional connection to my dad though). The most contact I have with my extended family is maybe one or two aunts saying happy birthday/merry christmas to me every year via letter or facebook, and I never see any of them in person. Considering all that..it's hard for me to cut my mom out of my life, even when she repeatedly hurts me. I'm also the only family SHE has. She has not been in contact with ANYONE in her family for 25 years due to abuse, and they live overseas. My parents are divorced and all of my dad's extended family has since rejected her, as well as my brother...so I'm the only one she has left. She has relied on me for support since I was 13 and I know it's not my responsibility to allow my mom to place all her burdens on me but I'd feel so awful to leave her hanging as well. I know I need to look out for myself more.

[ImmerAllein]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Oh I'm very aware that blood relation doesn't necessarily make a person true "family." It's a bit difficult because my mom does have her kind moments where I really do believe she loves me. I'm in almost no contact with my extended family beyond my mom and dad (I don't have any real emotional connection to my dad though). The most contact I have with my extended family is maybe one or two aunts saying happy birthday/merry christmas to me every year via letter or facebook, and I never see any of them in person. Considering all that..it's hard for me to cut my mom out of my life, even when she repeatedly hurts me. I'm also the only family SHE has. She has not been in contact with ANYONE in her family for 25 years due to abuse, and they live overseas. My parents are divorced and all of my dad's extended family has since rejected her, as well as my brother...so I'm the only one she has left. She has relied on me for support since I was 13 and I know it's not my responsibility to allow my mom to place all her burdens on me but I'd feel so awful to leave her hanging as well. I know I need to look out for myself more.

Not sure how much you have been exposed to spiritual teachings and schools of thought, but I do want to share something I have learned from Eckhart Tolle.

It's specifically about dealing with your mom. I understand the dual relationship (love/hate) very well because of my own parents.

See, we are all products of our conditioning from culture, people around us, and life experiences. And, so, our behavior is often almost predictable ... we act out scripts based on the drama from our lives. It's almost like someone has your mom's remote control and is pushing buttons to make her act the same way over and over again !

If you can keep this in mind, going into an interaction with your mom, and maybe try to be *present* during the entire interaction, i.e. knowing how your mom is going to act, you can tolerate her behaviors, because she doesn't know any better, and, in a way, it's not really her acting that way, it's some pre-programmed behavior ! And, with compassion, you can just let her be herself !

Just listen to her harsh words or accept her harsh behavior ... and let them be ... let her be.

Why is this so important ? Not for your mom's sake, but for your sake ! If you figure out how not to get hurt by your mom anymore, it will make interacting with her much easier.

The broader message here is ... try not to let external conditions affect your mood/emotions so much. You have very little control over the world (including your mom). You do have more control over how you react.

Hope this made some sense.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by ImmerAllein

Not sure how much you have been exposed to spiritual teachings and schools of thought, but I do want to share something I have learned from Eckhart Tolle.

It's specifically about dealing with your mom. I understand the dual relationship (love/hate) very well because of my own parents.

See, we are all products of our conditioning from culture, people around us, and life experiences. And, so, our behavior is often almost predictable ... we act out scripts based on the drama from our lives. It's almost like someone has your mom's remote control and is pushing buttons to make her act the same way over and over again !

If you can keep this in mind, going into an interaction with your mom, and maybe try to be *present* during the entire interaction, i.e. knowing how your mom is going to act, you can tolerate her behaviors, because she doesn't know any better, and, in a way, it's not really her acting that way, it's some pre-programmed behavior ! And, with compassion, you can just let her be herself !

Just listen to her harsh words or accept her harsh behavior ... and let them be ... let her be.

Why is this so important ? Not for your mom's sake, but for your sake ! If you figure out how not to get hurt by your mom anymore, it will make interacting with her much easier.

The broader message here is ... try not to let external conditions affect your mood/emotions so much. You have very little control over the world (including your mom). You do have more control over how you react.

Hope this made some sense.

That sounds a lot like the non judgmental skill (in mindfulness) that I've been learning in DBT from my therapist. I guess the problem I've been having with it is that even if I do not react and simply accept it for what it is, my feelings don't seem to change at all. I still feel just as hurt internally, as if the words themselves are equipped with fire or poison. I feel like I'm too sensitive for real life..

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

That sounds a lot like the non judgmental skill (in mindfulness) that I've been learning in DBT from my therapist. I guess the problem I've been having with it is that even if I do not react and simply accept it for what it is, my feelings don't seem to change at all. I still feel just as hurt internally, as if the words themselves are equipped with fire or poison. I feel like I'm too sensitive for real life..

Not to be discouraging but I'm still having to do this. In a small amount, "fake it till you make it" does work. But I have not been able to make it all stop hurting.

[ImmerAllein]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Not to be discouraging but I'm still having to do this. In a small amount, "fake it till you make it" does work. But I have not been able to make it all stop hurting.

Dear Angelique and PastelKitten,

It's OK for it to still hurt ! The point is ... just be present while it hurts, don't get mixed up in the hurt !

What you want to do is step out of the hurt. Distance yourself from your emotions, and watch them as they're going on. When you step out, you don't feed the pain, you don't get lost in it. They call it "mindfulness" or "presence" or "stillness", depending on who is teaching.

So, instead of saying, "Oh, it hurts like hell. I don't see how I can ever get out of this. I hate xyz person.", you give yourself some perspective by stepping out. So, it becomes, "It hurts like hell right now. But, I know that xyz person said this because xyz doesn't know any better."

I promise you ... those two ways of dealing with pain feel very different. Just try it out the next time you are in pain.

"Forgive them for they know not what they do"

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by ImmerAllein

Dear Angelique and PastelKitten,

It's OK for it to still hurt ! The point is ... just be present while it hurts, don't get mixed up in the hurt !

What you want to do is step out of the hurt. Distance yourself from your emotions, and watch them as they're going on. When you step out, you don't feed the pain, you don't get lost in it. They call it "mindfulness" or "presence" or "stillness", depending on who is teaching.

So, instead of saying, "Oh, it hurts like hell. I don't see how I can ever get out of this. I hate xyz person.", you give yourself some perspective by stepping out. So, it becomes, "It hurts like hell right now. But, I know that xyz person said this because xyz doesn't know any better."

I promise you ... those two ways of dealing with pain feel very different. Just try it out the next time you are in pain.

"Forgive them for they know not what they do"

I see what you're saying. My therapist told me that during the times I get panic attacks I should look at it as though I'm viewing myself panicking from the window of a train. I acknowledge that I'm panicking but like a train, pass on by. It's so much easier said than done but I'm doing my best

Now I'm thinking of a song called "Trains and winter rains" by Enya. "Every night is the same. One more night, one more train." It really spoke to me because night time brings about a lot of anxiety in me (ironically because of all the anxiety I had to endure for the past year in particular, when it became more severe...so in a way I was traumatized by my own anxiety).

I'll keep this in mind more often and practice it.

[ImmerAllein]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I see what you're saying. My therapist told me that during the times I get panic attacks I should look at it as though I'm viewing myself panicking from the window of a train. I acknowledge that I'm panicking but like a train, pass on by. It's so much easier said than done but I'm doing my best

Now I'm thinking of a song called "Trains and winter rains" by Enya. "Every night is the same. One more night, one more train." It really spoke to me because night time brings about a lot of anxiety in me (ironically because of all the anxiety I had to endure for the past year in particular, when it became more severe...so in a way I was traumatized by my own anxiety).

I'll keep this in mind more often and practice it.

I love Enya ! Thanks for the song recommendation ... will check it out

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by ImmerAllein

I love Enya ! Thanks for the song recommendation ... will check it out

No problem! Another favorite of mine is "Wild Child." I'd listen to it often when anxious. It's so positive and hopeful.

[Yoda]

Happy belated birthday. I am sorry your day did not go well. It is particularly frustrating that your mom is not supportive. My dad is like that too.

[buglady0258]

Happy birthday!

I'm sorry you had such a bad time but glad you have a caring boyfriend to try and make you feel better. Unfortunately with toxic parents the only thing to do is to lose all expectations. Expectations of how a parent should act when they don't fit that mold will only lead to disappointment. I struggle with this from both parents on a regular basis.

We're all here for you

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