[Becoming]

So, I've known for a while that I likely had BPD. But it's been confirmed. I have 6 out of 9 behaviors.

One of those is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. That one bit me in the *** recently and it's held on for near three months now (during most of which I was franticly trying to get my ex to speak to me again). Well...now she's gotten me banned from my old college (where we met) which means if I go there I'll get arrested. AND the police called me saying if I contact her even one more time, I will be arrested.

So my frantic efforts led to nothing good. And I can still clearly remember the night we broke up. I think it could have gone so much differently. Still, two people play a roll I suppose.

I've just been looking for her forgiveness. I may need to come to terms with the fact that it isn't going to happen. I messed up A LOT.

In the past three months, I tried to take my life three times. The first time, nothing happened, but I probably should have gone inpatient or gotten treatment. The second time, I attempted after seeing her with no words spoken when I went to visit a friend at the same college (where I went). The campus called me and said I would be banned from the residence halls (I don't live close to campus but luckly most of my freinds have graduated). It hurt so much I couldn't take it. The third time was after I got second warning from the police and ban from campus overall.

I went to Intensive Outpatient for a couple of weeks before that third attempt and then I lost it again. I was almost labeled a stalker because I kept reaching out to her even though she did not want me to. So...gotta keep myself out of jail. I want to let go of the importance that she speak to me again. I don't want to wonder every day if she will "smarten up" or forgive me.

So...after that outpatient I ended up going Inpatient for ten days. I had a lot of pressure from my parents who didn't want me to go. I knew I needed to do so and I did. I wish I would have gone after the first attempt. I learned a lot through the IOP and Inpatient, however, I did not learn how to forgive myself.

How do I forgive myself for failing to leave her alone and having things get this far? How do I stop missing her and wanting her to talk to me in the future (despite the actions she chose to take)?

[Unrigged64072835]

You have to realize that this relationship is really over, and grieve for the loss of that relationship. It's highly likely that she will not come back to you.

Forgiving yourself would mean that you know it's over, you know your part on why it's over, and you learn from your mistakes. Then you let the event go. You may not forget it but it won't have that much power over you, either.

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

You have to realize that this relationship is really over, and grieve for the loss of that relationship. It's highly likely that she will not come back to you.

Forgiving yourself would mean that you know it's over, you know your part on why it's over, and you learn from your mistakes. Then you let the event go. You may not forget it but it won't have that much power over you, either.

I guess I'm still trying to let go completely. I've forgiven her for most things...except her cutting me off randomly. That wasn't cool. I am learning from my mistakes because I'm sure I won't make them again. Only it's hard because I keep wondering what could have been if I had just behaved myself.
Maybe she would have come back. I'm certain I at least would not have pushed her further away. That's the kicker. That's why it's hard for me to forgive myself at this moment.

[Lonlin3zz]

How much longer can you ever hold on to this? Eventually, you have to let go of it someday.

Why not attempt to move on from this, starting from today.
If today's unsuccessful, tomorrow.
If tomorrow's unsuccessful, the day after.

Things in the world is ever-changing, you have to acknowledge this fact. You will definitely come to term with it and naturally move on to be happier person.

It has been 2 month since my last r/s, I haven't completely forgiven myself about it because my rational thoughts and my emotions are constantly clashing with each other.

But each day will be worth pulling through, by making attempts to come to term with it.