[sinking]

i feel too stable. not alive.
i want to quit the meds and let the dark side out.
i want to feel bad and eventually die. not yet but soon.
anyone else here hating feeling too stable?

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by sinking

i feel too stable. not alive.
i want to quit the meds and let the dark side out.
i want to feel bad and eventually die. not yet but soon.
anyone else here hating feeling too stable?

I can really relate to the feeling. I don't feel stable right now but I feel dead when things are OK for a while.

I don't know why it happens but in a way one can not feel good and at the same time not alive. It is a contradiction. So in my opinion feeling like you are not alive should be considered feeling bad.

Which meds are you on? Are they helping in some ways or do they mostly put a lid on your feelings?

[sinking]

Thanks, im glad im making sense to someone.

im on low dosage of clozapine. i was on it for years and i was stable, quit and everything was falling apart. got back on it for about a year now and im stable again, so im sure clozapine is what keeps me stable.

i have also pushed away everyone except my T, so my life is objectively boring. all home and work. i dont want anyone close to me. no friends, no bbff, no family. too much effort, too complicated and not rewarding enough.

no goals, no meaning, disappointed, hopeless... bored, not alive, but SAFE. is it worth it? sacrificing everything just to feel safe/ok/stable? maybe not, but changing now seems impossible.

am i still making sense here?

[subtle lights]

Yeah, I can somewhat relate, though, as MsLizette has said, that kind of "stable" doesn't seem to mean the same as "good".

I have an issue with the daily grey-ness of life, what seems to be okay for others, I somehow cannot accept that. Even though I think I want peace and quiet, when I have it without limits, it feels like it will eat me alive.
I used to meditate and have these days when I thought I'm okay and stable, just to "wake up" feeling like I'm lost and drowning.

I say I hate drama but I seem to be losing myself when it's all "stable". Or sliding into an invisible depression.

I know though that there should be a way to keep life exciting but still stable. I'm still experimenting, hoping I'll find it one day. Maybe it'll come from self acceptance in my case, if ever.

Sorry, I made this all about myself here. I don't think it is worth to sacrifice everything just to be stable, not like that. But I don't know your situation. You sound kinda depressed, which is not the "good stable".
When you said you quit the meds and all was falling apart how long did you stay like that, without meds and what was happening?

[sinking]

Thanks for saying it for me. yes, i dont really feel GOOD, just stable and safe. which seems good but i guess its not - or i wouldnt talk about it.

i want peace and quiet too and when i have it, it doesnt feel as good as expected. just boring maybe. i dont know how life could be exciting AND stable. any change in routine makes me anxious which i consider both good and stimulating (when i feel good) and bad and to avoid (when i feel bad). at the moment i welcome good anxiety about my new job and i avoid bad social anxiety keeping everyone at distance/isolating myself.

i guess i sound depressed cause at this moment i feel a huge sense of acceptance for life as i experiment it - ugly, unfair, disappointing, meaning less etc. i dont really feel bad or angry about it, just a huge acceptance.

i think clozapine takes about 6 months to fully kick in and about 6 months to fully wear off. or at least this was my timing. i started to feel awful - not even able to talk - about 6 months after i had quit the meds and then it took about 6 months to feel more stable again after i was back on the meds.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by sinking

i guess i sound depressed cause at this moment i feel a huge sense of acceptance for life as i experiment it - ugly, unfair, disappointing, meaning less etc. i dont really feel bad or angry about it, just a huge acceptance.

i think clozapine takes about 6 months to fully kick in and about 6 months to fully wear off. or at least this was my timing. i started to feel awful - not even able to talk - about 6 months after i had quit the meds and then it took about 6 months to feel more stable again after i was back on the meds.

Acceptance sounds like the place we need to be, I guess. In a way, I have acceptance too for life, I just don't feel good in it, lol. Everything is part of life, I see that. Even me being the way I don't like myself to be. Just that, I don't feel good in my skin a lot of times. Maybe I don't accept myself still.

I don't know about meds a lot, but I was curious if the bad phase was from the side effects of getting off them but seems not. Still, maybe they are not the best ones for you? But yeah, just a thought, I really don't know. It seems hard to get off these stuff but maybe sometimes we need to..

Sometimes I want to feel bad too, rather than too stable, so yeah, I understand this....But this usually happens when I'm depressed.

[BlueAura]

Just chiming in here... Yes I also feel the craving for excitement in life, and yet when it comes I beg for a 'normal' life like everyone else has.

It's the disease I have that I'll never be satisfied with a calm and happy place, because I did not grow up in a place like that. I'm constantly subconsciously trying to recreate my childhood. Literally I have to mentally stop myself from doing it to my own sweet and undeserving kids. Thank God I've been in therapy and read enough to learn the warning signs and stop, but still...life feels like much ado about nothing, I have to try to be happy with what I have. Sorry I rambled a bit..