Can someone tell me this is gonna get better?

But please, NOT better as in, continue to feel inferior, full of shame, but putting smiles on and dragging myself through life as I have been, because life is about accepting what is and what is is me feeling inferior and not good enough and just an outsider always. But I had moments when I accepted that I was an ousider and this is me and I was relatively okay.
But I can't live like that anymore. I don't want to go back to that, okay?
People pleasing is my default state, hence it will come back and I will think I'm okay because people will be nice to me because I will be acting as they expect me. Always being someone else, who they expect me. And then I will think I am okay but I won't be.
Or should I just accept all, that I am just this and live with constant shame and fear of living.
I am tired.
Just want to sleep.

*Please don't say that I should have done this or that, whatever self help method because I have read about all, almost, and I always feel stupid and incompetent when people assume I just don't know how to breathe right or need excersise or clean my energetic space or don't know about self love and self compassion and nonduality and mindfulness and kundalini and whatever. Been reading about all, trying all, doing some of it still. I don't want to upset anyone it's just I am always reminded about how incompetent I am. Please don't hate me for saying all this.

Oh Subtle Lights, I wish I could express how much I relate to how you are feeling, and how much I know the pain of feeling like this.

Trying and trying is hard, and many of us are ambitious with this project of "self improvement", and year after year we try, then try some more, then some more, and in the end, we feel lost and tired, depressed and lonely....it IS extremely hard, and most people who don't struggle with mental illness don't know what it is like.

Now, there are some important things here: you are certainly not alone. We might not be with you and be able to go for a coffee together in this forum but anyway: you are not alone. This is important because it is good to know the painful darkness inside doesn't have to be a completely lonely place.

Secondly, it is worrying how bad you feel. I think it is good to consider trying to get more help if you can. In most places in the world, if you are feeling extremely bad, there is emergency help. This can help to get you back to a place where you have some energy to continue the fight.

Because it is a bit of a fight....this is how it is. I hate it and I feel it is unfair that I have to struggle so much just to LIVE, but this is my life.

It is not a life where I will forever feel bad, or forever live in fear, but it is a life where I have to struggle more than others to be happy. There is nothing wrong with this, if anything it makes you and me and everyone in similar situations freaking amazing people. And there will be an end to the suffering. I have seen it and read about others who fought the fight and got better.

The right type of therapy is probably the only way to get better. This takes time. Personally I am trying schema therapy and we will see how it goes. It is important to try and one day something will work. Please don't give up.

So: 1) know you are not alone 2) if you feel too bad to be safe: seek emergency help 3) you need energy for this fight. People get energy from different things: music, animals, art, reading, sports, silly serials, ice cream, whatever. It is important to brace yourself with anything that gives your energy to keep fighting.

I just want to hug you, I am sorry you are feeling this bad

Thank you.
I think that (esp. lately) I associate "fighting" with torturing myself to get out there in "life" and show them that I'm fine when I'm not, try to be as anyone else would expect me to be. I think this is some kind of distortion in my mind, connecting the idea of recovery with mainly functioning well in society (and not with actually feeling better). And maybe that's why I don't want to do it. But I have done the pretending for so long that it's who I am almost.

It really means a lot to me that I'm not alone in this, though I am sorry you can relate. IRL I don't really talk about my issues openly but I do talk about them a lot in a sort of metaphoric way (and sometimes even more clearly) with people and I'm often getting the "everyone has these problems" sort of answer. Which is making me think that either I am not expressing myself the way I should or that I am actually fine because hey, look, everyone has thes issues and they are not complaining.
I do think I have a way to describe stuff in roundabout ways IRL because I'm afraid of rejection. It's like I have this need to talk about my issues but I'm afraid to do it clearly so I'm talking a lot but in general terms.
Like with my mother, she knows I'm not well and is constantly writing to me (she lives far away) about all kind of daily crap and she thinks this is what helps, because she is terrified of talking about emotions of issues or anything related. She is good in repressing all her stuff but I feel this pressure with her and I prefer not to talk. I just feel the shame of having emitions when talking to her.

I'm not sure if the therapy I'm in now is the right one, but I don't really have the possibility here and now to change that. It's getting better though, I think. Also it is one of the rare constant elements lately in my life.
I have these very low periods like now but then usually it gets better.
I think, but now I don't care because I know that "better" is not actually good. But I guess something in me has this limitless optimism that's why I'm still alive. Yay. And because of my mother, she would be devastated and who am I to do this to people. How selfish it would be. But I can't just shake a magic wand and suddenly feel good. So I just wait but not sure for what.

Yes, it can get better. While I still have BPD moments I just have traits now. What helped me was a supportive husband and DBT.

Shame of having emotions with "the mother" I can relate
I don't hate you ...
I don't notice any "stupidity" or any of that other stuff in your posts