Hubby's chronic pain is ruining our marriage

My husband severely hurt his back several years ago and has been in pain every day of his life since then. He recently re-injured himself and the increase in pain level is really affecting mood. The cortisone cocktail shot did not work, so I have no idea what the next plan of attack is, but based upon his last appointment the prognosis is not good. There is very little that they can do until it gets worse. Arthritis has set in because of the original injury; scar tissue from his surgery several years ago is hitting a nerve that runs down his leg. The recent fall has given him horrible back spasms. A couple of weeks ago he was sleeping and all of the sudden he was convulsing as if he were having a grand mal seizure.

I logically understand that he is depressed because of the pain and that it is making him short tempered, but I really do not know how much more I can take. When he finally does take a day off of work, I can’t stand to have him around the house because he snaps at all of us and then we’re all in black moods.

Part of me is angry at him. He waited for nearly three years before seeing a real doctor for the original injury. Because he waited so long, he caused permanent damage to his body. He refuses to accept his limitations (a combination of the latter caused the recent injury) which increases his pain level, which increases his bad mood etc. He took Christmas day off, and hasn’t had a day off since and will not have another one until Thursday (his next doctor appointment). He’s been working 12 – 16 hour shifts and work has been calling him in the middle of the night when he’s not there. I’m so angry that he won’t set up boundaries. It’s bad enough that he’s in a bad mood, but these calls waking me up are making me extremely cranky too.

I am at my wits end. My kids are old enough to understand that dad is acting like a bear with a sore @ss because of his pain level but this is affecting them too. We had a huge fight this morning after work called. I do feel guilty for piling more crap on him when he’s got so much going on already. But we really cannot take much more of this.

having trouble writing a reply to you....

I've been on both sides of the situation you describe. Have been the person in pain and have been the person trying to cope with the person in pain. Bottom line is that those of us in pain have a responsibility to NOT take it out on others.

Have you tried couples or family counseling for the problem?

Hi ~ I'm a chronic painer and have been for 26 years, so I can see both sides.

Do both of you work outside the home? If he is the only one working, then perhaps I can see why he works all those hours -- NO ONE can make it on one paycheck anymore, unless they do work overtime!!! Granted, it's hurting his spine to do this -- but undoubtedly he's thinking of his family. Personally, I don't know how he stands the pain. Does he take any pain meds?

If you DO work outside the home, then I don't see why he's working all these hours, unless your debt is unusually high. Still, he shouldn't be working that much - he's going to do more damage to his already messed up spine. He's going to have to slow down and back off on the hours. It's taking it's toll.

I really don't know what else to tell you. I'm disabled now due to having had 2 open surgeries that failed. And that pain that's going down his leg is sciatica -- I've had that for 26 years and it's VERY painful!! So unless he wants to end up disabled, he's going to have to slow down some - one of these days, he's going to BEG you to take him to the hospital cause the pain will be just too much for him. Have him see a pain management doctor - they can give him more options for pain relief. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

We both work outside the home. He is the main bread winner, and this is a busy time for him. The plant shuts down twice a year for maintenance and in those weeks he’s never home. He worked 104 hours last week. A "normal" work week for him is 79 hours. (I complained when he hit 80 so he makes sure he doesn't hit that 80 hour mark) It isn’t even a money thing. When he works that much most of it goes to taxes anyway.

He (well we both) have an old fashion work ethic. People approach him at work with vague ideas and he puts them into practice. They love him because he has never said “we can’t do that.” His response is “I can do anything you want, it all boils down to how much time, money, and man power that are you willing to give me.”

The difference between the two of us is that I have boundaries. There are three people that they are supposed to call on the off shifts if there is a problem. He’s not even on that list. But he is the one they call because he can trouble shoot over the phone, or if it is a problem he hasn’t experienced before he’ll go in; even though we live 45 minutes from where he works. He takes it personally when equipment is down. His job description states he is responsible for the equipment from 6 am to 2 pm. But every morning he has to go to a meeting to explain down time for the entire 24 hour period. He has taken this responsibility over from his boss.

We argue endlessly about him taking a “promotion” to salary. Of COURSE they want him to be salary, they’d make a killing off of him. He’s not one of those people that says I get paid for 40 hours therefore I’m only working 40 hours. He works until the job is done. And there is ALWAYS something to do. He’d live there if he took that job. There have been times when something has broken down and they have put him up in a hotel down the street from the plant so he could be nearby. When I worked there as well and we worked the same shift, his boss offered to let me go back on the clock while hubby was fixing a major break. I refused so he sent someone to Walmart to pick me up the latest Sims expansion pack and Taco Bell to get me dinner so I wouldn’t get cranky while I waited.

These are thing that I admire about him. He’s a good man and an excellent husband and father. We just had our 25th wedding anniversary. Well briefly, I saw him for about ten minutes that day.

He’s already had those days were he was in so much pain that he would be literally crying in his sleep. The sciatica or attempting to regulate the pain from it, has severely limited his range of motion in his leg. It’s weaker, which is why he fell and re-injured himself. He is diabetic and has no feeling in the two smallest toes on that foot, the skin on that foot is cracked and dry from lack of circulation.

He’s seeing one of the best neurologists in the state, but the trouble is he down plays the amount of pain he is in. I will be unable to go to this appointment on Thursday because I will be working, but I guess I will have to go to the next one and insist something be done because WE are all suffering from the pain he is in.

A big part of my anger IS that fear FOR him. He doesn’t have the sense God gave a gnat sometimes. He knows that he’s short tempered lately and really does feel bad about it. When his pain level is high he kind of shuts himself off from us so that he doesn’t snap. But what kind of life is that?

Ok ! I got ya. LOL I'm gonna get serious here, cause he's being an ***. (pardon) With the way he is acting, he's going to end up like ME - with PERMANENT sciatica -- like I said, I've had it for 26 YEARS and it's been agonizing!!! There have been times I've thought of suicide due to the pain -- but I don't believe in it, and it would devastate my kids and granddaughter, so that idea flew out the window. But I wasn't getting properly treated by doctors -- I'd had everything done that pain management could do, including the spinal cord stimulator - and that didn't work. My surgeon was an arrogant idiot who waited too long to do surgery on me - that's what made this permanent.

Your husbands' stubbornness is going to shoot him in the foot. So he's a "macho man" -- everyone knows it! What does he have to keep proving?? That he can take the MOST PAIN?? How stupid. Tell him for ME that this permanent sciatica is the most PAINFUL thing I've ever experienced and i'd rather have a baby every day of my life than have THIS. At least labor stops for awhile. No amount of medication has helped me --- until recently, we tried the Fentanyl patch along with Methadone -- that has given me the ONLY relief (not total by any means) that I've had all these years. My feet are numb - My legs tingle, and sting, and I get the feeling of water running down them -- it's all nerve damage. So I take another drug for that. It will be the same for him if he keeps this up.

Also, he probably doesn't know if OTHER nerves are being compressed -- has he complained about his bowels or bladder??? If he has, there could be an emergency. If he EVER loses control of one or the other -- or else if he CAN'T use either one or the other --- he may have cauda equina syndrome which is considered an emergency!! That's where the nerves to those areas are being impinged, and those organs can't perform (bladder/kidney/intestine). If he truly had this, surgery MUST be performed.

He's doing untold harm to himself. Show him this post if you like, but he's asking for BIG trouble. Pain is a symptom of trouble - it's not there for kicks. Although he NEEDS a kick. LOL He's gotta cut back his hours, and let the people who are SUPPOSED to do the work, DO IT. He can't save the world. Sheesh. Best of luck, and please keep me posted, will you? Hugs, Lee

Thanks so much for your input and listening to my rant. The way he sees it he’s going to be in pain no matter what he does so he might as well do what he wants. Some days I just want to choke him. Little things like snowblowing and shoveling. We have FOUR adult children here! If they don’t race to get it done before he gets home he does it himself. No amount of complaining from me makes a difference.

He’s been trying to talk his doctors into fusing the worst three vertebrae together. They’ve explained over and over that this is a recipe for disaster and eventually a wheel chair for him. The last appointment he asked if they could just remove those nerves that are making him miserable. The back pain he can deal with, the shooting pains down his leg, his leg randomly giving out on him… not so much.

I don’t know that I would exactly label him a workaholic, but when he got out of the military he took the first job that called him back. He was off less than two weeks. We would have been better off financially if he would have waited. Between his unemployment and savings in daycare and transportation costs we were rolling in money compared to his military wages. We haven’t taken an actual vacation in years. He takes his vacation time moving our daughter to and from school or to complete projects around the house or for other people. I cannot remember the last time he spent 24 hours just relaxing.

I can almost GUARANTEE that if he has fusion, the domino effect will take place, and the levels above/below the fusion area will FAIL and he will need additional surgery -- this happens all the time. PLUS - surgery does NOT correct the pain. Surgery only corrects mechanical problems. You are almost ALWAYS left with the same pain or worse!!! Any doctor that tells you that he can relieve your pain is LYING. He cannot!! If you DO happen to get pain relief, it's a fluke - and it won't last long. And I'm surprised that THREE doctors refused to fuse him!! I didn't know there were that many honest doctors all in one place! LOL Most of them want the money!! And if they removed those nerves that bothered him, he'd lose the use of the leg -- I already asked about that myself. LOL

He's looking to hurt himself SERIOUSLY with his leg giving out on him. That is just unacceptable -- and i'm surprised his employer is putting up with this cause he could be liable for a worker's comp. suit. If your husband gets hurt WORSE while on the job, his employer might have to foot the bill even tho he's got a pre-existing condition.

I don't know what you're going to do with him, but he's being EXTREMELY SELFISH. If he gets hurt worse, guess who's going to have to nurse him?? YOU or your KIDS. Has he ever considered that? Does he even care?? Or does he think that he deserves being "cared for?" I'd give him a quick kick in the butt and tell him I'd put his fanny in a nursing home if he gets hurt because of his condition. And if it happens, be sure to follow thru!! You shouldn't have to quit your job to take care of him after he's acted like this. My late Hubby was kind of a "workaholic" but HE even knew when he was pushing it and he cut back - he had spinal problems too and had had surgery.

The only thing i can tell you is to "unset" his alarm clock. LOL Then he'll at least go in late. of course then he'd stay later - so you just can't win. I'll say prayers - that's GOTTA help. Best of luck! Hugs, Lee

I was making a response Leeds, but it was full of back tracks and explanations so I’ll start from the beginning and try to be as brief as possible.

About ten years ago, I can’t believe that it’s been that long ago! My husband was doing emergency repairs on equipment that is four or five stories up. The only access to this equipment was via painted metal ladder type thing. For reasons known only to the company, there is a safety cage around the ladder starting on the ground floor, but it only continues through the second floor; perhaps because most employees only need access to those two floors.

Forgive me if there are some inconsistencies. I worked there at that time and as this was happening they actually sent someone not to tell me what was going on, but to keep me from accidentally coming upon the sight myself. Only one witness was willing to tell me what he saw and it was several days later. Here I was fat dumb and happy, people asking me odd question. All my husband told me was he fell and hit his knee.

Anyway, my husband (electronic engineer working as an electrical foreman) and his crew were working on problem A. In the mean time problem B developed. He sent most of the crew to problem B. He and his former boss remained. They are the most experienced and qualified, plus they were both first responders and trained in confined space should that skill be required. The crew had problem B under control so he and Dan were heading down to the ladder to the third level assist the mechanics with their issue. As hubby was going down, a hose full of hydraulic oil broke and coated this ladder with oil.

In any event, hubby slipped and fell three stories. His uniform actually got caught on the cage so he kind of hung there by his leg for a bit before falling the last story to the floor. He apparently landed oddly on his left side. He couldn’t have fallen directly on his knee because surely that would have shattered it. He was taken to the ER, X-rays were done and nothing was broken. He complained about knee pain so they gave him one of those huge braces with crutches and made a follow up appointment with the doctor the company contracts with.

At this point I was given the rest of the night off. I was merely told that hubby had slipped on some hydraulic oil hurt his knee and was given pain meds so I had to drive him home. Dan had taken the position of safety director. He happened to be at the plant when all hell broke loose so he of course stayed to help. After the accident he came up and hugged me. It was very out of character for him, I realize now it was his response to my husband coming so close to being killed. I also found out later he was feeling quite guilty. This very issue of the ladder had been discussed. It’s rounded out metal, with no tie off ability. They decided that it was too expensive to build stairs, it would take up too much valuable space and be too expensive to revamp everything.

For the next few days a former co-worker of mine that had transferred to another department would ask “how’s hubby” and hubby would ask “did Cindy have anything interesting to say?” It actually took three days of this before a light bulb went on in my head and I asked the weakest link on hubby’s crew what was going on.

For the next three years hubby’s knee bothered him. Each time he would go to the company doctor. Eventually he was referred to a sports medicine doctor for his knee. They did an MRI (I think) and did find some damage to the knee so he was getting shots in his knee. He was babying his knee this whole time. He happened to sneeze on the table during a physical with our family doctor. When Dr. B saw hubby’s reaction he said “that is not a knee injury! That is a spinal injury!”

Because of the way WC works hubby is only allowed three referrals. The sports Dr. was one. Dr. B getting involved was two. Dr. B sent him for an MRI on his spine and forwarded the results onto Drs. W and S. They only see patients that they feel they can actually help. When they saw the MRI he had one ruptured disk and three bulging disks. Oh, and apparently he has an extra little vertebrae which contains the only healthy disk in his lower back. They say it is not all that uncommon, but they comment on it every time he has an MRI.

When hubby went to see the WC doctor, for a determination he flat out told hubby “you’re seeing the top of the field, there is nothing that I can add to your file.” So he drove four hours for a literal five minute appointment. They did try to say it was pre-existing for about five seconds because the original accident report from the first injury “disappeared” but to my husband’s credit he was able to produce the copy that was signed by the first responders, witnesses and company nurse at the time of the accident. It was purely poor housekeeping in his locker at work and the hand of God that the report was still there. At the time, based upon how he eventually landed, the way the pain presented itself, and the opinion of the company doctor, everyone thought it was a knee injury. They tell you to save those things, but who really does?

Hubby was terrified of the surgery. I don’t know why. But he spent another several years getting the cortisone cocktail shots in his disks whenever the pain would become too overwhelming. Eventually Dr. S told him he couldn’t give him anymore shots so he had to talk to the surgeon, Dr. W.

At this point he was actually chewing vicodin and oxy like M & M’s. I was getting concerned that he would become addicted to them. Before this he wouldn’t even take an aspirin for a headache. I never doubted his pain level. My gauge for his pain level is watching while he is sleeping. When he would move in his sleep he would shriek out in pain. Literally cry in his sleep. He’s had two vasectomies, all four wisdom teeth taken out at once via oral surgery and never took a pain med. They sat in the medicine cabinet for when I would get a migraine.

Dr. W and I talked him into the surgery. I actually threatened to divorce him and I was serious! He took vicodin for two days following the surgery and didn’t take another until he re-injured himself reaching for a screw driver of all things.

The surgery was very successful. His pain was manageable (whatever that means) for about four years. However babying that leg for so long left him with limited range of motion in his leg.

Most recently he was walking backwards guiding a man driving a scissor lift and he stepped down on a two inch square piece of metal on the floor with his weak leg. It brought him down to the floor. He landed with his leg twisted behind him and couldn’t straighten it out. He talked the first responder into trying to pull it straight TWICE, when that didn’t work he was backboarded and transported to the ER.

Since then he has been having severe back spasms. This is the first time his back has ever “bothered” him. Before it was “manageable”. He “cannot take his back AND his leg having shooting pains; giving out on him”. I am afraid of what that means. WE go to see the surgeon Tuesday.

I’m frustrated with EVERYONE! I went with hubby to the appointment a couple of weeks ago. He said that surgery did not appear to be an option at this point. It would most probably result in more scar tissue that would make the problem worse. The shot did not work at all this time. He asked if hubby wanted another today NINE days after the last?!? What happened to four a year?

What is the appointment with the surgeon for? Is he going to tell hubby that there is nothing that they can do? Then what?

Has anyone mentioned the Spinal Cord Stimulator to him or the Morphine Pump implant?? Both of these are implanted devices. The stimulator is great for the pain in the legs --- it wouldn't do much for the back pain. The morphine pump would help with both probably. He'd have to go to a pain doc for those.

Just wondering if anyone had mentioned these. I had the stimulator implanted for 6 months but had to have it removed -- it was trying to "remove" itself. ick. I didn't have enough "fat" content in my body to hold it in.

He might ask his doc about these. Hugs, Lee

The stimulator has been mentioned at some point in the past. I do not recall why that option has not been explored further. We will have to see what Dr. W says on Tuesday. I really hope that there is something they can come up with. The damage to his disks is plain to see, which makes the problem so much more frustrating.

Sounds like there's a lot of loss that needs to be mourned by you too, with his increased difficulties putting stress on you and the family and not likely to get "good" ever again. I would experiment and see if I could counteract his bad moods with good ones of my own as both types of feelings are contagious I would see if I could make him feel better than he could make me feel bad.

((((AAAAA)))) - I'm sorry your husband suffered this debilitating injury. I don't have wise advice but I'm surprised someone didn't tell your hubby to sue the company for an unsafe workplace and negligence. You can't fall that distance and get only a mere knee pain. Keep thorough records and it sounds like your hubbies a bit of a martyr but this is making all of you suffer. He needs a firm diagnosis with some concrete solutions to manage this pain. All the dodging by you and the kids won't cure his pain. Personally I would sue the company and this would have forced the docs to thoroughly investigate your hubby's pain.

His mood has improved in the last few days. I don’t know if it is because he has an appointment with the surgeon (his mind is still firmly set on fusion and believes that he can talk the man into it) or because his hours at work have decreased. Perhaps it is a combination of them both. I am a bit surprised because he still isn’t sleeping well.

As I mentioned his mind is firmly set on fusion. He seems to believe that this will give him relief. He is aware that they will eventually work their way up his whole spine.

Hi AAAA

I have not read all the responses to your thread, but one thing stuck out for me. I wonder if it is not so much the pain and consequent mood swings that anger you at the core, but more his unwillingness to act when he had the chance. And now not only he lives with the consequences of the delay, but your whole family.

I live with chronic pain(the cause took many years to be dx) and I suspect that one of the reasons that my fiance and I are still together through all the grief and trauma, is that I work very hard to get better. I mean, I overdo it sometimes (due to my type A personality and frustration) and my man gets angry with me, but I go to my osteopath and get scans and now I am going to a pain management doctor. I do try my best to be "proactive".

It is not easy. I am angry ALL the time and spend much energy in trying to control my moods, so I don't take it out on others. I feel hopeless and burdensome. I feel useless and cranky and obstinate. VERY obstinate.....

All I know, is that pain has changed me in to something I do not recognise. Maybe you guys need to sit down with someone who can help you ALL manage the pain and talk about the loss and depression that can be associated with it.

I really feel for both of you. I hope it can be worked out.

Take care,

Michah

UPDATE:

The surgeon stated in no uncertain terms that fusion is not an option at this junction and shaving the disks will create more scar tissue (it is actually the scar tissue causing issues right now).

He changed the muscle relaxant and increased dosage. Added PT to the plan of attack and hubby will be getting an injection in his SI joint to numb those nerves until body has a chance to heal (bruising related to recent fall).

Thanks for the update, AAAAA. Hope Hubby's moods and difficulties improve with this new plan of attack.

I relate so much to this. My partner is in chronic pain. The problem is that she abused her pain meds and now, when she gets cranky, I can't tell if it's the pills or the pain. She also suffers from depression and I suspect she is bipolar.

She has been in and out of the ER for various complaints, none of them serious. I worry that one day she is going to have a serious issue and she will not be taken seriously. She is looked on as a drug seeker, although her pain is real.

She also had surgery on her back, surgery on her neck, sciatic pain that resolved with trigger injections, chronic migraines, bursitis in her hips and nerve damage in her ribs. Her pain is real, but living with her means of dealing with it is breaking me.

I hope things get better for you. Also, it is a blessing that the DR. will not do the fusion on your hubby. Believe me it makes things so much worse.

Things have been 1000% better. It actually started when he learned exactly what the problem is and that there is an end in sight. He’s willing to live with the pain he knows, but the new added pain sent him over the edge.

The last few days have been absolute heaven. He’s been sweet, affectionate, silly and a joy to be around. He took the boys shopping a couple days ago and they all had a ball. I am so relieved! Not only because his mood has improved but a huge weight has been lifted off of me. He was so despondent that I was worried more about his mental state than his physical one.

Each day I see him returning and I can’t tell you what a relief it is. We’ve talked a lot about everything and I think he’s truly willing to accept that he has limitations. On the way down to the doctor we had a real heart to heart talk. He asked what it would take to get me to agree to the surgery. I said there wasn’t really any point because he’d be right back in the same situation in a few months.

His father had a heart attack 25 years ago. The Cardiologist came in and told FIL the changes he’d have to make in his life: diet, exercise, quit drinking and smoking etc. FIL responded half-heartedly “we’ll see”. The doctor said “it was nice to meet you Mr. X, but if you’re not willing to take your health seriously I’m not going to waste my time with you. I’ll be seeing you again soon enough.” It was exactly what my FIL needed to clean up his life.

I reminded hubby of this and asked him what the difference was. Hubby cannot control his back going out when he reaches for a screw driver or any of the other million ways someone with chronic back problems has a flare up. But I pointed out that he doesn’t have to go out of his way to do things that he KNOWS will debilitate him. I told him if he could not commit to taking care of himself, I could not support his decision to have a surgery that we both know will end up doing more harm than good… even if it did alleviate the pain temporarily. I don’t want him in pain, but with his current mentality he might just as well pick out his wheel chair right now. He has four bulging disks right now, he has scar tissue from the surgery surrounding the nerves, he’s in a very fragile state. He must accept that and until he does there is nothing anyone can do to help him.

I am so sorry for all of you that have chronic pain or have a loved one with chronic pain.

My husband and I don't have pain/aren't fragile but we're both very overweight and DH smokes and has some small physical quirks that I'm keeping an eye on, they're not getting better. He won't "bend" at the waist because it "hurts' (it's more like it is uncomfortable) so he avoids any bending over and I can just picture the direction that is going to go. I've tried to tell him he has to use the muscles or lose them; he had a weird arm problem that he had physical therapy for and still does the exercises they taught him three years ago but it's for one, literally weird, we'd never heard of, freaking muscle! And he hasn't increased or changed the routine and refuses to do any other exercises for any other body parts. . . But I'm picturing the wheel chair he's gonna end up in too and who will be around to push it. However, I ain't no spring chicken myself!

I'm glad your husband is doing better now, AAAAA.

Awesome AAAAA So glad to hear of it.......that there is more light and clarity.....

Take good care,

Michah