Just under the surface

As you know, just under the surface, just under the skin is

1. rage
2. anger
3. tears
4. animosity
5. fear
6. panic
7. attachment disorder
8. stories
9. secrets

And we walk about as though nothing is wrong, smiling, caring for others, giving of ourselves, accepting compliments as though we really deserve them.

One of these days it will all change, at a time least expected

(((((((((((((( Troy ))))))))))))))))))))))

Ah Troy...
If its made it's way to just under the skin/under the surface then it is time for it to break out and drain the poison that traps us in a vicious cycle.
A cycle of self hatred, shame, guilt, and hopelessness.
There ain't gonna be anyway of stopping it, either. We can run and run and it's still gonna be there waiting.

Jme, but it wasn't until I ran into an ignored brick wall did anything change...least expected is putting it mildly.
In many ways, I wish I had made the choice to stop keeping secrets about the war episodes.
I didn't make that choice for many reasons, and I ended up in bits and pieces...putting the puzzle of me back together. Some of those pieces are not nice and neat and tight, either.
Never will be...that does not mean I am damaged goods/bad person/sicko. It means I'm a human being living and loving and laughing, and accepting who I am.

Making peace with the reflection in the mirror is hard, I know. Not doing it makes life harder than it needs to be...

Cap

Troy, you are scared and angry from these stories and secrets. It is causing you pain and having you keep others at a distance. I do see one positive here. Because you wear your heart on your sleeve these things don't need to be mined to get at them. This is how I am. My therapists were very happy that stuff just spilled out. Those with their hearts on their sleeves are quick to attract love. I'm sure that you have noticed how easily people fall in love with you (I'm talking about a friendship level of love here!)

it's like you're reading my mind, Sannah... people do like me, even when I try to avoid giving them reason to do so. There are many who would go further if I gave them any indication that I am available. It's easy to see in the eyes and the double entendre.

I'm glad you tell me the reason, because it is very uncomfortable for me, both those who would be friends and those who would be more. I dont know how to handle either, so I do or say things that hold them at arms length.

Many ppl go so far as to think we are friends, but it is a one way street. I seldom even remember their names. I usually keep a smile on for them and reply to their conversation, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, why are they telling me this, it's like they confuse me for someone who cares.

Those who would go further are serious. It's as though they need something from me - and I just don't have anything to give them. If it's the physical connection they want, they can get that anywhere. If it's the emotional connection, my tank is empty.

And the secrets - these are my stories, most are not to be shared. Others have their own stories, and if they don't - they need to go out and get some. It's easy to get the abuse, the experience, the adventure in this life that will give stories unlimited. Why do they want my stories? What will I be if I give them up?

See you keep speaking and you get more interesting! People are drawn to those who keep secrets though. I'm not sure that I understand it. I love the show the Bachelor. They frequently chose the woman who holds back. People must like mysteries???????

What you said up there ^ is very interesting. Do you want to elaborate?

What will I be if I open the secrets?

Do you mean it can wreck havoc with you?

Maybe opening the secret box will be chaos for me, I dunno, but I thnk it will be. When my fingers reveal more memories, I learn to distrust my typing. Maybe I am my secrets and giving them away will leave me as nothing

I have never heard anyone say anything like this before. You are extremely unique and just not that but clever and meaningful....... You are a jewel....

Interesting thought..... I think that you are more than your secrets. Maybe your secrets suck up your identity now with their pain and distress but you are more than your pain and distress.........

What you say kind of scares me...unique, as in weird, as in this doesn't happen to those who are normal. The only place you'll find my feelings revealed is here. IRL ppl can easily see my emotions. I'm easily read. Maybe that openess is part of why ppl are attracted to me, but this requires extra vigilance to keep them at a distance.

Before combat I was the person everyone wanted at their gatherings, whether it was a meeting or a party. Every other word kept ppl laughing, and I played the role of friend more often, even acting out the role of good friend for some.

After combat, the laughter was gone. I can still make ppl laugh if I focus on that but it takes too much energy and it is another facade. Basically, I just let it go. I greet them with silence. Unless I'm listening and trying to seem normal, my face is neutral when others laugh at their jokes. If I think of a funny line, I usually bury it.

At one point I wondered whethr I would ever laugh again. Oh, ppl see me smile and hear laughter, but it really isn't laughing. What they hear is just the socially accepted noise that makes other think I'm laughing. It's really just a response to avoid from looking stupid to others.

I think I'm rambling here. I am sorry. Hit send before I hit delete.

Unique isn't weird to me! Weird is just weird. Unique is prized. You don't like to stand out and be different Troy? I like to be different. I got married on a Monday and I wasn't wearing a bridal gown (I was wearing a bridesmaid dress). I can't understand the time and attention that people put into a wedding so I was making a statement. I want to be different.........

Hey Sannah ... good for you on the dress -- I dunno why they do it either. Maybe you can start a trend. Unique = ok. tnx

Unique is more than okay to me. Unique is cool (does that term show my age!). I think that you will be one of my hardest converts to this way of thinking!

LOL - ok -- Unique Me!