[Ygrec23]

The central aim and purpose of all of our activity here on PC is to write and post things that aid, succor and comfort new or older members who bring with them to these pages pain, misery and sometimes bewilderment for which we, as non-professionals, can offer some degree of compassion, sympathy and direction. Yeah. That's what we do, or try to do. In our several and different ways.

But closer reading of tens of thousands of PC posts reveals that different members have different philosophies (conscious or unconscious) of HOW it is best (or most desirable, or most effective) for us to offer that compassion, sympathy or direction.

There are many, many, different kinds and levels of helpful posts. Some writers prefer what might be called a minimalist approach, enclosing in their messages as much practical information as possible but as little of their own personal feelings as they can. Others restrict themselves only to their own feelings, their sympathy, their compassion. Still others spend significant time describing how they too have experienced situations and feelings similar to those expressed by the writer of the call for help.

From the point of view of the RECIPIENTS of such aid and comfort messages (probably the majority of us at one time or another), the point of view of new members or old members posting the original calls for help, are any of these different modes of responding better, more helpful than others? Is it a matter of personal taste on the part of those who are hurting? Or are all of these different types of responses equally helpful in informing those in pain that there are folks here who truly feel not only for them but with them?

Of course, the vast majority of PC members do their absolute personal best to compose and post messages as helpful as possible for those in pain and distress. But do those in pain, or who have been in pain, who are reading this thread-opener, have anything else to tell us that could help us improve what we do when we respond to messages for help? A little bit more of this? A bit less of that? Or have we wound up in The Goldilocks Zone, as the astronomers say, where everything as it is right now is just right? Take care!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

The central aim and purpose of all of our activity here on PC is to write and post things that aid, succor and comfort new or older members who bring with them to these pages pain, misery and sometimes bewilderment for which we, as non-professionals, can offer some degree of compassion, sympathy and direction. Yeah. That's what we do, or try to do. In our several and different ways.

But closer reading of tens of thousands of PC posts reveals that different members have different philosophies (conscious or unconscious) of HOW it is best (or most desirable, or most effective) for us to offer that compassion, sympathy or direction.

There are many, many, different kinds and levels of helpful posts. Some writers prefer what might be called a minimalist approach, enclosing in their messages as much practical information as possible but as little of their own personal feelings as they can. Others restrict themselves only to their own feelings, their sympathy, their compassion. Still others spend significant time describing how they too have experienced situations and feelings similar to those expressed by the writer of the call for help.

From the point of view of the RECIPIENTS of such aid and comfort messages (probably the majority of us at one time or another), the point of view of new members or old members posting the original calls for help, are any of these different modes of responding better, more helpful than others? Is it a matter of personal taste on the part of those who are hurting? Or are all of these different types of responses equally helpful in informing those in pain that there are folks here who truly feel not only for them but with them?

Of course, the vast majority of PC members do their absolute personal best to compose and post messages as helpful as possible for those in pain and distress. But do those in pain, or who have been in pain, who are reading this thread-opener, have anything else to tell us that could help us improve what we do when we respond to messages for help? A little bit more of this? A bit less of that? Or have we wound up in The Goldilocks Zone, as the astronomers say, where everything as it is right now is just right? Take care!

the reason there is so much diversity in the posts is because we all are not in the same locations - we all live in different continents, countries, states, cities and towns. we also all have different ways we were raised, different races, different handicaps, different religions, different political standards and views.. different ways we were educated during the school yrs..different mental disorders, different physical problems, different ways to cope...and many other differences that affect what we want to post.

psych central can set general rules for posting such as all posts must be of the supportive nature.. but they dont tell us one way or the other is right or most effective, Im guessing because one way may help one person and may not help another and vice versa what doesnt help one person will help another.

my posting style is trifold -

I remain moderated so that the moderators can help me when needed, so you might say my style of posting is in direct relation to posting the way the moderators want me to.

I post about me where I know what I have been through will help another member , keeping in mind what I post wont help everyone so not to take it personally when someone rejects or has a strong reaction to what I post. I know what I post is within the standards of this site because the moderators would not post my posts after they have reviewed them if my posting was not the way it should be for psych central forums.

I also post to give support to those in need.

On occasion I start threads but not very often due to I do have resources outside of psych central that most people here do not have, when it comes to dealing with their problems, and also because there are very few if any psych central members dealing with the type of problems I deal with. to put it bluntly how many of us here have to deal with witnessing clients abusive spouses, partners shoot the client with a gun, how many of us with Dissociative disorders have integrated their alters.. how many of us college students have completed all our degrees and now attend college not because we have to but because we want to for enjoyment, hobbies and recreational outlets.. theres not that many people dealing with the same issues I am so I tend to keep my starting threads at a minimum and focus on helping where I can.

[Open Eyes]

Well, I can only speak for myself and how I have experienced PC so far. Any time someone asks for help it is often a very difficult thing for them to do. And there are all differnt kinds of cries for help. And a lot depends on the disorder or issue someone is dealing with Ygrec23.

Personally, I have a "LOT" of experience with children and even their parents. And I have even raised a child with a learning disability. So in all my years of dealing with children I have had to learn the many different ways someone can ask for help.

Now in my experience I could see facial expressions, even in my own personal history of experiencing abuse. But here in PC, we can't really see that so it can be challenging because all we can see are written expressions of that person. And it can be very challenging to see the cry for help. Sometimes a cry for help can be in a direct way or in a very indirect way. And it can even come from someone who may seem to be extremely intelligent and even scholarly by nature. And it takes time to set one's self aside and really think about what some people say.

For example, my father is an extremly intelligent man and very scholarly. And he can be very difficult to converse with on certain levels. And he really knows alot about almost everything to an extreme detail. And my father is often a man who, if not in a group of extremely intelligent scholarly people, may be seen quiet and off to the side of a room just observing and even in his own world sometimes. And I witnessed years to the present where my mother and father have great difficultly sitting at dinner and just having a casual chat. There is mostly just silence. And I have been trying to educate my poor mother on how to talk to my father for a very long time until the present. And there is a secret to it and one has to be willing to listen to long explainations of many different ways to view a simple question. (that might have rubbed off on me lol) But my father is not immune to struggle and he never really directly asks for assistance. And some may form the wrong opinion of my father as being a puffed up know it all, when in reality his is not. In reality, he is an extremely empathetic thoughtful person. But he can also be often in his own world of extreme contemplation.

Each person is so unique in their need for direction that it can be challenging not only for them to know what help they are trying to ask for but also what answer they really need. But the one thing most people need to know first and foremost is that they are not alone and someone else is experiencing the same kind of difficulty. And there is always a why and a how and even, am I even worth the effort.

So all the different methods that you are pointing out can be useful and can apply and serve a purpose. And it is twofold because the people that come forward to answer a question (Especailly here) are also experiencing their own difficulties and sometimes all that person can do is give a short reply or just do the best they can to acknowledge someone in need.

And it has nothing to do with selling or marketing yourself to others in this paticular atmosphere. Because the most important thing most people that come here have to learn is "HOW TO BUY AND INVEST IN AND OWN THEMSELVES"as well as "HOW TO REPAIR OR HEAL THEMSELVES" or even find ways to "IMPROVE THEMSELVES IN SPITE OF THEIR PERSONAL STRUGGLE" myself included. And that is what, HELP, HOW, WHY, I NEED, is really asking even by the ones that are not directly asking that question and may stand alone in a room like my father.

I did post a last reply to your last thread, I hope you read it and this might help you understand my reasoning for that post.

In order for a person to market themselves to others effectively?
A person has to "MARKET TO THEMSELVES FIRST" so to speak.
And the interaction that takes place in an environment like this is about reaching out while learning about yourself and helping others learn to do the same. And because we are all so unique and on top of that there are so many different variations of struggles, there are going to be a variation of questions and answers and lengths of those interactions.

In my own personal way of using PC, I vary in my responses depending on the question or concern. But I will admit that my experience of working with children who often require a lot of explanation, shows in the way I answer questions. And I do try to tell someone me too as well because I have also done that with children and they really responded to that and I know I respond to that too when I hear someone say they experienced something too. And personally I have had to come up with a lot of different ways to convince a child to have confidence to put forth an effort so I do read questions and concerns and I answer them and can almost hear that "yes but in the back of my mind". So often I will add in anticipation of that. It is one of my habits and sometimes it is very effective.

Hey, if I learned how to talk to my dad, that was an accomplishment.

Well that is just some of my thoughts. But fair warning, I may come back and add.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I just want to add that in my experience it much more challenging to sell someone to themselves than it is to sell yourself because you can sell yourself out. And I have to admit I have done both. And I also have a lot of experience with others that sell me short too. So many times it is not all that hard for me to say, me too. Ah, the "INHUMANITY OF HUMANITY".

It can be hard to find a good therapist. Many know the ailments of different disorders, yes.
But a really good therapist has to be capable of not only knowing about different disorders and the difficulties those disorders present to their patients. But a therapist has to also be a good salesman in a way, because he has to help someone learn how to take whatever it is they are and still "BUY INTO THEMSELVES AND HAVE FAITH IN THEMSELVES". And that can be challenging and really requires a lot of patience and a real desire on the part of the therapist.
And it can't just be a general marketing theme, because if it was easy there would not be so many books about different ideas on how to self improve.

Open Eyes

[Ygrec23]

Thank you, Open Eyes, for such a thoughtful and detailed post. Everything you said is relevant to my essential question, which was "how shall we know how best to help the people in pain who come here for help?" You said, among other things, that

"[e]ach person is so unique in their need for direction that it can be challenging not only for them to know what help they are trying to ask for but also what answer they really need. But the one thing most people need to know first and foremost is that they are not alone and someone else is experiencing the same kind of difficulty. And there is always a why and a how and even, am I even worth the effort."

And I agree with you entirely. People in need are challenged to express themselves. The more in need one is the less capable one may be of expressing that need. So those of us who are here to provide answers of some kind have to pay close attention to what you say: "first and foremost is that they are not alone and someone else is experiencing the same kind of difficulty."

I'm sorry that you got the impression from my prior thread that I was urging people in need to "market" themselves. I was not. I was addressing myself not to people in need, but to those specifically not in need and just writing other kinds of posts here on PC, whether having to do with general questions or other kinds of inquiries that members post here. As concerns people in need, the burden is on us, the receivers, to figure out what best meets the needs of the person asking for help. And this thread is devoted solely to that question: can we improve our responses to those in need, and, if so, how?

And you've said, in that regard: "Sometimes a cry for help can be in a direct way or in a very indirect way. And it can even come from someone who may seem to be extremely intelligent and even scholarly by nature. And it takes time to set one's self aside and really think about what some people say."

That is true. It takes time to set one's self aside and really think about what some people say. To fit one's self into their frame of mind, to get even a basic idea of what they're asking for, or even what they need when they haven't asked for it. I'm sure most of us feel that there are many posts to which we're just not up to responding. Unless, of course, we have a rather mechanical and automatic way of responding. What do you do? Do you answer every post you read? Do you limit yourself in some way, answering only certain posts and not others? That's what I do and I wonder whether others do too.

This is a big topic. There's room for quite a number of points of view. There's no "right" or "wrong" when we're talking about such things. But it's very interesting to share points of view and insights into what may be best when helping others. Thank you for your post. Post again in this thread whenever you feel so inclined. Take care.

[Omers]

I have a couple thoughts. In all honesty there are few here that offer quantitative help for me... I have a psych degree, been in therapy for 17 years, have offered support to many in many different ways, read a LOT (perhaps too much). Sometimes I get frustrated by that but... don't take it personally, most T's have struggled with me and my desire for quantitative support.
BUT... when I look at the thread in what ever forum I look first at the number of times it was read... the number of people that cared enough to give of their time to read my ramblings. And, weather or not it is what I want to hear, weather or not it is helpful, even weather or not a reply even makes sense to what I was saying... it is a tangible attempt at care... a hug of thoughtfulness of sorts.
AND it isn't all about me. I may be the one to put words to it and reach out... I don't know how many are out there experiencing something similar but can't put it out there. An answer may not work for me but it may help one of our "silent members" who has the same experience. And... then there are the guests as well.
Last but not least is the person responding. So many of us here struggle with feeling like leeches... always needing more help, always needing more support... Being able to reply to a message or even to "thank" a message or a reply is an important opportunity to give back.

So... while I may not like some of the replies, I may not get anything out of some of the replies I fully believe ALL replies are necessary and beneficial.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Omers

I have a couple thoughts. In all honesty there are few here that offer quantitative help for me... I have a psych degree, been in therapy for 17 years, have offered support to many in many different ways, read a LOT (perhaps too much). Sometimes I get frustrated by that but... don't take it personally, most T's have struggled with me and my desire for quantitative support. BUT... when I look at the thread in what ever forum I look first at the number of times it was read... the number of people that cared enough to give of their time to read my ramblings. And, weather or not it is what I want to hear, weather or not it is helpful, even weather or not a reply even makes sense to what I was saying... it is a tangible attempt at care... a hug of thoughtfulness of sorts. AND it isn't all about me. I may be the one to put words to it and reach out... I don't know how many are out there experiencing something similar but can't put it out there. An answer may not work for me but it may help one of our "silent members" who has the same experience. And... then there are the guests as well. Last but not least is the person responding. So many of us here struggle with feeling like leeches... always needing more help, always needing more support... Being able to reply to a message or even to "thank" a message or a reply is an important opportunity to give back. So... while I may not like some of the replies, I may not get anything out of some of the replies I fully believe ALL replies are necessary and beneficial.

"ALL replies are necessary and beneficial." Yes. I can see that. Every post is, as you say, "... a tangible attempt at care... a hug of thoughtfulness of sorts." A reaching out, however expressed, a display of sincere concern. Yes. I'm sure you're right. So it doesn't really matter what or how one says what one says, as long as one says something. A tangible attempt at care. And that says to me that there very well may not need to be any guidelines for what one says, any instructions, anything to learn. Just something heartfelt. Something warm and sincere. Hmmmmm.

What do you think about anything to avoid? Anything specifically not to put in such a message or response? Is there such a thing or things? Are there any things you've seen in responses that you think shouldn't be there? That detract from the fulfillment of the purpose of such responses? I very much would like to know your answer, Omers, and I thank you for your post! Take care.

[(JD)]

While I have to assume that from your post you are thinking only about how to post messages of support, remember that it takes posts asking for help to warrant the former.

It's most difficult with new members, members with certain disorders, and members who, for what ever other reasons may not want replies from particular members.

I have limited my support here, as compared to when I first came, because PC no longer needs my replies, in general.

We have to know, as those trained in giving such help, that there will be people who just don't know how to ask for or maybe receive help. Others ask for help, but what they really want is just someone to listen to them. Still others only want replies that coddle them and agree with them as they just aren't ready to move on yet.

I used to read nearly every post. Of course with the success of PC growing so large, that would take most of my time here, trying to do that. I rarely read in several forums, self limiting. When I'm feeling less vulnerable, I might pull the list of threads that have no replies, and see if I can at least get it going or bumping it up by mere posting.

When we talk face to face we read halo data. We aren't afforded that here in virtual land. And, just like in face to face, there is always that possibility that someone isn't being honest with us. Then again, they may be telling what they believe to be true, while it isn't.

It's a tough line to walk, and I suppose that is why totally healthy caregivers don't stick around her to offer help. It's very difficult to post specific enough to let the recipient feel a connection, yet general enough to appease the masses who are quick to judge and take one to task for anything they say.

I've almost decided posting isn't worth it at all... and the few times I have recently posted for support, well, let's not go there.

Thanks for this... I was just about to post about something that just occurred IRL and now I remember why not to.

It used to be that you didn't reply specifically to what another person said, unless you are supporting them as well, in agreement, but replied to the OP. Now, it appears that anyone can counter and reply to any other one, and take the thread totally off topic ending usually in disaster. I think people forget somehow that everyone, even those trying to give support to the OP, need support. IDK I guess maybe the masses now need a course in how to post and how not to.
Some would say they could use my posts as an example of the latter.

---totally frustrated (JD)

[Ygrec23]

(JD) said:

While I have to assume that from your post you are thinking only about how to post messages of support, remember that it takes posts asking for help to warrant the former. It's most difficult with new members, members with certain disorders, and members who, for what ever other reasons may not want replies from particular members. I have limited my support here, as compared to when I first came, because PC no longer needs my replies, in general. We have to know, as those trained in giving such help, that there will be people who just don't know how to ask for or maybe receive help. Others ask for help, but what they really want is just someone to listen to them. Still others only want replies that coddle them and agree with them as they just aren't ready to move on yet. I used to read nearly every post. Of course with the success of PC growing so large, that would take most of my time here, trying to do that. I rarely read in several forums, self limiting. When I'm feeling less vulnerable, I might pull the list of threads that have no replies, and see if I can at least get it going or bumping it up by mere posting. When we talk face to face we read halo data. We aren't afforded that here in virtual land. And, just like in face to face, there is always that possibility that someone isn't being honest with us. Then again, they may be telling what they believe to be true, while it isn't. It's a tough line to walk, and I suppose that is why totally healthy caregivers don't stick around her to offer help. It's very difficult to post specific enough to let the recipient feel a connection, yet general enough to appease the masses who are quick to judge and take one to task for anything they say. I've almost decided posting isn't worth it at all... and the few times I have recently posted for support, well, let's not go there. Thanks for this... I was just about to post about something that just occurred IRL and now I remember why not to. It used to be that you didn't reply specifically to what another person said, unless you are supporting them as well, in agreement, but replied to the OP. Now, it appears that anyone can counter and reply to any other one, and take the thread totally off topic ending usually in disaster. I think people forget somehow that everyone, even those trying to give support to the OP, need support. IDK I guess maybe the masses now need a course in how to post and how not to. Some would say they could use my posts as an example of the latter. ---totally frustrated (JD)

(JD), I'm sorry to learn of your frustration and unhappiness. You seem to have been having quite a negative time here recently. You say, among other things:

"We have to know, as those trained in giving such help, that there will be people who just don't know how to ask for or maybe receive help. Others ask for help, but what they really want is just someone to listen to them. Still others only want replies that coddle them and agree with them as they just aren't ready to move on yet."

In light of that, what do you think that people should be asking for here on PC, what is it appropriate for them to ask for and receive? What should be offered? Omers has given a pretty basic definition of what is needed and wanted: essentially, a verbal hug. An affirmation. Something to confirm that the hurting person is a valid, deserving person. Are you saying something different? That people should be asking for, and be given, something more complex?

You say: "It used to be that you didn't reply specifically to what another person said, unless you are supporting them as well, in agreement, but replied to the OP. Now, it appears that anyone can counter and reply to any other one, and take the thread totally off topic ending usually in disaster."

I'm not sure I follow that. Are you saying that the way things used to be was that one pretty much said "there, there" and no more unless one agreed with what a poster was specifically saying? I'd appreciate your explaining a bit more so that I can understand. Thanks for your post. Take care!

[Omers]

What not to say is a more difficult question. I have opened many a thread and thought "Oh suck it up", "seriously, all you want is attention and not the right kind", "really? you believe that?", "Your T is an ******", "OK, obviously healing is not what you are trying to achieve" and various other rather harsh things. For the most part I just scroll back up, hit new posts and move on as I don't think it would be a kind or appropriate thing to do.

Some members I know better though and will make such harsh statements because I know that they are strong enough to take it and/or know me well enough to understand that I am not saying it as a personal attack. Some are strong enough AND have a need for "tough love".

However, most are not here for that nor would they be helped by such harsh words. I think many come here to fill their need for "warm fuzzies", understanding, and support and most of the replies honor that AS THEY SHOULD. IRL is harsh and for most of us this is our one safe haven.

[Omers]

I think it used to be more like an AA meeting where there isn't "cross talk" between people within a thread. People kept their replies specific to the OP. Less conversation between members in a thread that were not the OP. Less OT comments.
?

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

The central aim and purpose of all of our activity here on PC is to write and post things that aid, succor and comfort new or older members who bring with them to these pages pain, misery and sometimes bewilderment for which we, as non-professionals, can offer some degree of compassion, sympathy and direction. Yeah. That's what we do, or try to do. In our several and different ways.

But closer reading of tens of thousands of PC posts reveals that different members have different philosophies (conscious or unconscious) of HOW it is best (or most desirable, or most effective) for us to offer that compassion, sympathy or direction.

There are many, many, different kinds and levels of helpful posts. Some writers prefer what might be called a minimalist approach, enclosing in their messages as much practical information as possible but as little of their own personal feelings as they can. Others restrict themselves only to their own feelings, their sympathy, their compassion. Still others spend significant time describing how they too have experienced situations and feelings similar to those expressed by the writer of the call for help.

From the point of view of the RECIPIENTS of such aid and comfort messages (probably the majority of us at one time or another), the point of view of new members or old members posting the original calls for help, are any of these different modes of responding better, more helpful than others? Is it a matter of personal taste on the part of those who are hurting? Or are all of these different types of responses equally helpful in informing those in pain that there are folks here who truly feel not only for them but with them?

Of course, the vast majority of PC members do their absolute personal best to compose and post messages as helpful as possible for those in pain and distress. But do those in pain, or who have been in pain, who are reading this thread-opener, have anything else to tell us that could help us improve what we do when we respond to messages for help? A little bit more of this? A bit less of that? Or have we wound up in The Goldilocks Zone, as the astronomers say, where everything as it is right now is just right? Take care!

I appreciate your thoughts and ideas, not only here, but others i have read. I think for any one that is at PC, nothing is ever just right. I have empathy for others, as i have gone through a lot myself.

[Open Eyes]

This is a good topic Ygrec23 because it actually provides an opportunity to really ponder.

I had talked about some that don't necessarily start a thread. And how some may need help but don't seem to quite know how to ask for it. And that got me to thinking about why I post and when I post and that I really haven't started but just a few threads. And those threads were when I first came here and they more of an effort to try to explain my issue. And I just basically put my feelings out there and I don't think I got many replies. And it didn't bother me.

And you made me realize something, I can be that person standing in the corner too when it comes to asking for help. I never really thought of myself this way but I don't really ask for help. And sadly, I can see how that happened in my life. And somehow it was an unconscious understanding of myself too. And many times I looked and there was just no one there so I had to figure it out for myself.

I put a lot of myself into my posts sometimes and I do have a deep respect for those that ask for help, and now I know that it is because I wanted to ask so many times but couldn't, and many times I HAD to be the one to answer. I have realized why I often give lengthy answers for another reason, many times I was answering for TWO, the op and myself.
Or the op may be asking a question that I too have addressed many times in my life and have figured out some answers on my own through life experiences.

But I don't answer questions everywhere, I look for those "CORE" questions. And if I see a disorder I don't really understand I don't just pound away. I might see a core question in that individual and make an attempt, but I cannot really advise on something I don't understand so I don't go into those forums, but I may take a peek to read and consider how those individuals feel and look at things. Because I have come to know that I learn things in the most unexpected places.

And if I visit a forum, even if it is in my realm of overall issue myself, if I see a question that has gotten a really good answer I often just put up a thank you or don't say anything at all.

In the beginning when I first came to PC I was so bad off that by answering questions that I could answer from my life experiences helped me take my mind off of the long days of terrible anxiety that I just had coming at me and did not always know why. And personally, my whole life people have been one puzzle after the other and I had no choice but to figure them out as most of the time it was how I learned to survive.

And even when I try to make an attempt to ask a question and I put a personal struggle out there, I have to be honest, I don't get an answer.And it is not just an inability of PC members. I presented the same question to my therapist and all he did was say I was in a sad position and it is sad that most of my life I have actually been a lonely person dealing with the issues of others that were just forced in my way. And I really didn't want that answer of recognizing that about me, I already know that, I was really hoping for him to come out with a strong answer that would be helpful, but as always that strong answer was just not there. Many people live a life around others and in many ways are alone and lonely, I have cried about that many times, but I can't just cry all the time, I wanted an answer that meant "heres how to buy yourself back".

And I think that is really why I give op's strong answers rather than just say, oh thats too bad. I know I try to give what I needed and wanted to hear. I never had the luxury of giving up, I had to run for the first half of my life and learn how to fight back for the latter part of my life, to this day. The one thing I do know is that I spent a good part of my life observing others just to survive.

And if someone admits that they are making mistakes, "ADMITS", and they are "TRYING" to do better, I truely respect that and I will try very hard to reach out to that person. And that is because many times in my life others have really hurt me and knew they were to blame and never admitted it. And I have to say I am a lover of the truth and anyone who admitts anything is someone willing to express a truth about themselves, a very honerable act in my opinion.

Because I have endured a lot, one would think that I would be cynical, no, it has only made me into a bottomless pit of empathy. And I guess on some level that as I sell others to themselves anyway I can, I just may be doing the same for myself. And I am not immune to knowing what it is like to want to give up on yourself too and I don't want to see anyone do that, including myself.

Open Eyes

[(JD)]

Well I thoght I was clear...sorry.

First, people post from where they are "at" in life, I think. And that includes those asking for help, and those responding. Plus, our past and current lives and beliefs permeate each post, whether consciously done or not.

There are very few " wrong" ways to post and those are things against guidelines. If someone needs help and finally reaches out for it here, however they get that done is generally acceptable

As for the way it used to be, I can't speak much more about that. Someone else said it more clearly I think? We weren't to counter or argue against what someone else said, but reply and give support to the OP. If we disagreed with the OP we just did not participate in that thread. ( unless the op wanted all replies.) ...but now that appears to be assumed for all threads?

But I do think you wanted more about posting with support. I will dare to say again that EVERYONE posts from who and what they are. My beliefs ARE who I am and gives me reason for living and guides me in giving others hope, yet even this statement might not be allowed because of those who complain because they disagree with my beliefs, regardless that my replies might extend from a PhD and a 167 IQ.

I think one of the main drawbacks --other than the lack of support which all need-- and one reason why I'm participating here is that others see and read the countering of views and then they fear posting. (for surely if I have been here so long, etc and this occurs to me, they don't feel they could do it)

At its very core, the site is good and filled with members who give and take at the best of their abilities.

Peace. Pardon typos

Sent from my iPhone.

[Alcinus_of_chell]

I will dare to say again that EVERYONE posts from who and what they are. My beliefs ARE who I am and gives me reason for living and guides me in giving others hope, yet even this statement might not be allowed because of those who complain because they disagree with my beliefs, regardless that my replies might extend from a PhD and a 167 IQ.

People with views identical to those are in no small part responsible for me needing this site.

[Ygrec23]

Omers opined:

However, most are not here for that nor would they be helped by such harsh words. I think many come here to fill their need for "warm fuzzies", understanding, and support and most of the replies honor that AS THEY SHOULD. IRL is harsh and for most of us this is our one safe haven.

I agree. I too think that most people come here for warm fuzzies, understanding and support when they are in strange or forbidding circumstances and don't know where else to turn. Even with a T, that only covers an hour or two a week, and one has all the rest of the time to feel confused, alone and isolated. And that's where PC comes in. And by no means just for the newbies. It seems like almost all of us feel those needs from time to time. I think we should be happy to offer support to anyone who gives the appearance of needing it, whether they ask out loud or not. Thanks, Omers, and take care!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Omers

I think it used to be more like an AA meeting where there isn't "cross talk" between people within a thread. People kept their replies specific to the OP. Less conversation between members in a thread that were not the OP. Less OT comments.
?

Hmmmm. Not being familiar with AA, could you possibly tell me what OP and OT mean? Thanks.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by cin1

I appreciate your thoughts and ideas, not only here, but others i have read. I think for any one that is at PC, nothing is ever just right. I have empathy for others, as i have gone through a lot myself.

Well, cin1, when I talked about things being "just right," I was referring to the manner in which we deliver aid and comfort to those who are asking for it, not to the personal situations and feelings of all PC members. We're here at PC to help each other. Do we do that job as well as we can ("just right") or are there ways you think we can improve?

Take care!

[Ygrec23]

Open Eyes said:

But I don't answer questions everywhere, I look for those "CORE" questions. And if I see a disorder I don't really understand I don't just pound away. I might see a core question in that individual and make an attempt, but I cannot really advise on something I don't understand so I don't go into those forums, but I may take a peek to read and consider how those individuals feel and look at things. Because I have come to know that I learn things in the most unexpected places.

Well, Open Eyes, I do just the same as you do. I don't try to answer questions that are outside my personal realm, with which I don't have personal experience. And, like you, I do go around peeking just to learn things. I suppose many of us do the same.

And even when I try to make an attempt to ask a question and I put a personal struggle out there, I have to be honest, I don't get an answer.And it is not just an inability of PC members. I presented the same question to my therapist and all he did was say I was in a sad position and it is sad that most of my life I have actually been a lonely person dealing with the issues of others that were just forced in my way.

It's a shame that you can't or don't get answers to questions that are meaningful to you. Are you sure you can't reword your questions so as to help people who could possibly give you an answer?

And I think that is really why I give op's strong answers rather than just say, oh thats too bad. I know I try to give what I needed and wanted to hear. I never had the luxury of giving up, I had to run for the first half of my life and learn how to fight back for the latter part of my life, to this day. The one thing I do know is that I spent a good part of my life observing others just to survive.

Yes, I guess most of us give what we would like to receive. And for lots of us, that means giving what you call a "strong" answer, an answer that contains part of our own experience rather than just a pat on the head.

Thank you, Open Eyes, I hope that in the future you get the answers you want. Take care.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Hmmmm. Not being familiar with AA, could you possibly tell me what OP and OT mean? Thanks.

Ygrec, I had to ask about "OP" too. Others told me it means original poster. From that I assume OT means off topic.

[Omers]

OP is original poster and OT is off topic... sorry... we really need a sticky of abbreviations!

[missbelle]

OMG....You have made something so simple so complicated. Give it a rest!

[Ygrec23]

(JD) said:

As for the way it used to be, I can't speak much more about that. Someone else said it more clearly I think? We weren't to counter or argue against what someone else said, but reply and give support to the OP. If we disagreed with the OP we just did not participate in that thread. ( unless the op wanted all replies.) ...but now that appears to be assumed for all threads?

I really don't know how things were done way back when, but since I got started in 2010 I've run across lots of threads the beginners of which seemed to want to engage in dialog, dialog both of others with themselves and others with others too. Rather than just asking for help. And I think that dialog can be helpful too in a number of ways. It can help clarify our thinking. It can help us understand what all kinds of different members think about a particular subject. For example, in this present thread I'm interested in finding out whether anyone has any ideas as to whether and how we can improve the way we deliver our basic service: help to those in pain.

I think one of the main drawbacks --other than the lack of support which all need-- and one reason why I'm participating here is that others see and read the countering of views and then they fear posting. (for surely if I have been here so long, etc and this occurs to me, they don't feel they could do it)

An important point! Some people may well be scared away from a thread in which people feel free to disagree with each other. They'd be hurt if someone disagreed with their ideas. That's a very, very common trait in our society (and it does differ from society to society). I think those people who fear being contradicted should follow such threads and see what happens. No one really gets hurt in such a back-and-forth. No contrary comment is a put-down or insult directed at the person, the self of a poster.

It's like playing volleyball, where now and then members of the same team on one side of the net bump into each other. The point is getting the ball back over the net, not hurting fellow team members. So after reading several such "discussion" threads I would hope the fearful person realizes that it's not such a big deal, that there really isn't any real danger, that just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they hate you or even dislike you or look down on you. "You" are not equivalent to "your idea."

Thanks!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Alcinus_of_chell

People with views identical to those are in no small part responsible for me needing this site.

Alcinus, would you mind expanding on your idea? I'm not sure I understand it as well as I should.

Take care.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

The central aim and purpose of all of our activity here on PC is to write and post things that aid, succor and comfort new or older members who bring with them to these pages pain, misery and sometimes bewilderment for which we, as non-professionals, can offer some degree of compassion, sympathy and direction.

I can't say that is my central aim here. I am not sure I can say I have any central aim. My aim is probably off, anyway. One of the main things I have used Psych Central for is to write some of my thoughts, in an attempt to better understand what I think. But my posts are probably all over the place. Sometimes I have reacted to -- been triggered by -- what other people have said, and given replies that produce hurt. I even learn by that. Sometimes I do attempt to give support. I don't see any single thread of meaning to what I post. I don't have a posting philosophy!