[Nihil]

I wasn't close to Anna so I wasn't personally affected by this, but she's still someone who has serious problems and needs help, and so I still have sympathy for her. I greatly appreciate that she eventually came to the conclusion that she needed to confess and apologize.

[BeaFlower]

Anna, if you read, I hope you're ok and will come back soon

[Pikku Myy]

The truth will always set your mind free

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

All of you probably know that many of things I have been doing on this site are not exactly truthful. First I am going to do my best to explain myself. Please understand that by doing this I am not saying that hurting you was okay. I just hope to be understood better by those of you who are willing to do that.

When I was a child it was suspected that I may have high functioning autism. I truly identified with people who are autistic and I felt comfortable, long before I ever joined this site, identifying as that. The world made more sense to me that way. I always liked certainty, routines, and that type of thing. But people in my life never understood this. I guess you could say they had too high of expectations for what I could handle. No one allowed me to be this "person" who was safe and secure, in a world I created where nothing ever changed, everything was safe. I guess you could say they never joined me in that world. So I was alone in it and judged and abandoned by those around me, especially my mother when I was 15 years old.

I created this world for myself because I literally cannot handle the outside world, the real world. Any time I tried to explain this to people in an intelligent manner, they refused to accept it. Instead they told me I had to grow up, face things, and love myself. All I ever got was lectures and no acceptance. It got worse after my mother left because I felt like no one loved me in that exact way I need to be loved, and any time I brought this up, I was told to love myself. I question this because: how can you love yourself if no one shows you how by loving you? No one would say that to a 6 year old; but simply because years had passed I was expected to be at a place I wasn't-emotionally and in a lot of ways mentally. Sort of like telling a plant to water itself.

Then I joined Psych Central, initially just for human contact. The only friend I had ever had in real life was telling me I needed to find other people to talk to because I was draining her. I started talking about my feelings and how I identified with autism, and I thought that I probably did have autism. When I joined chat, I wanted it to be a safe place where I could be myself and say random things that other people never understood and that to be accepted instead of people being mean to me for being different like in real life. At first people were mean to me when I would say things. They didn't seem to understand why I would do that and didn't want me to because it was annoying(I was typing like I am now then, only saying the things I say that people would find "weird", like repeating things, because that's what makes me comfortable). Then one day another member asked me if I have autism. They had heard me talking about it before so I said yes.

All of a sudden, because of this information, people stopped arguing with me, stopped telling me not to say certain things, and stopped getting angry at me. And I started to feel safe because for once in my life, I couldn't be judged. Over time I started automatically morphing into the person my mind created. This happened because every time I did something, no matter how small it was, people gave me the love and support I had been craving my whole life. It was like putting food in front of someone who hadn't eaten in 21 years. I am not trying to not take responsibility for my actions by saying this but I truly feel that my mind did this on its own. But I could have stopped it if I had thought of other people besides myself.

It was as if, finally, for the first time ever, people were joining me in my world. My safe, secure world where I could never get hurt, everything was the same, and no one questioned me for being the way I truly felt inside, saying the things I felt, and enjoying the things I loved. I was in state group homes as a teenager and I was told I'm not supposed to like playing with toys, coloring and watching cartoons. Because I could argue my point intelligently, they refused to hear it. I was constantly told to grow up no matter how I tried to explain myself. So when I moved in with my room mate, I shut the outside world out completely. That person you thought I was? I was her all of the time. Because I never did anything with my real life, people in my real life didn't understand me. You did.

It's honestly very hard for me to explain how my typing came to change. Again, I could have stopped it. I chose not to after some point because I would lose the only people I felt had ever truly loved and cared about me in my life, which has now happened with many people. I had tricked my mind into believing I was that person, tricked myself into blacking out the lies I gave to support the things I said (that I still lived in a group home when I hadn't for 2 years, my pet dog was a service animal) because it all became real in this world I created.

I have now explained myself the best I could, so what's more important than that is this: I hurt and deceived a lot of people here. People I came to love and treasure, the very people in the world who don't deserve to be hurt by others. It hurts me the most knowing that--not that I'm going to lose many of you, but that I have done this to you. You meant everything to me. You were my world. And I disgraced your trust. I will never forgive myself for that. All of you deserve better than you get, not only from me but you don't deserve these illnesses. You don't deserve pain or suffering at all. If I had a magic wish, I would somehow remove all the pain and suffering in the world. I don't understand the purpose of pain and hurt, why things have to happen to cause it.

It works like a cycle, I have been hurt, so I hurt others in the process of trying to undo my hurt, now some of you will have no choice but to hurt me and I accept it, because really its not you, I have hurt myself by doing this. My love for you was always real. It's as real as love can ever get, because even though I know many of you are going to stop speaking to me, many of you don't like me at all despite what I've done, and I still love you the same as I always have. The certainty I created lets me say that. Before I joined Psych Central I had given up that there was any good or hope in the world. Youchanged that. Not because of the things I did or said, but because of who all of YOU are. Someday you will be rewarded for making this world a better place. I say that to each and every one of you, no matter how you feel about me after finding out this information.

I have decided to take a break from this website for awhile and try to heal, and give you time to deal with this. I know that when I return many of you won't want to talk to me anymore, ever. As painful as that will be, somehow, in the same way I trained my mind to become this person, I will have to learn to accept that. Some things you can't undo in life, sometimes the consequences you face for your actions are permanent and life long. I have learned that. If I could turn back time, what I would do is: When people said things about the way I was acting, I would explain like I did above instead of letting it turn into something exaggerated like I did. I would have accepted that not everyone would understand and not expected that. I would have never hurt any of you, and been grateful for those of you who spoke to me and came to love me. Maybe I wouldn't have as many people had I done that, but at least the ones I would have would have never been hurt. No one would have gotten hurt in this way. That would have been wonderful.

I beg of you to do one thing, if I've ever asked you anything and meant it with all of my heart it's this: If you have children, love them. Don't ever doubt your love for your children and make sure they always feel safe and supported. Many of you know this from your own experiences, but the damage from not being nurtured properly as a child is catastrophic and irreversible. Even if you don't have children, or if you do, if you know someone who is hurting, love them. Give the same love you gave me to someone else, someone who deserves it.

I love each and every one of you, for the love you gave me, but also for the lessons you have taught me. Even if you never speak to me again (it's often best for people to cut contact with me) I hope that you can overcome the hurt you feel that I have created and not hate the world simply because you met a bad person (me).

I love you all and I am sorry.

If you ever think of me, listen to this song and hear the words I say to this entire community, the world and myself:

Hello, Anna.

I never spoke with you or read your posts until this one now. It is clear to me you needed this place and these people with whom you could be comfortable. You hurt. I dont care if what you are or why you hurt has a name or some diagnosis attached. The fact is, you hurt and needed someone to be here and accept and love you for who you are. Your own pain inside led you to this place and people in whom you could see yourself.

Each of us is more more than any label or diagnosis. Take care.

[baseline]

Anna, No worries. We wouldn't be here if we were without our own problems. You told the truth you are sorry. Maybe you learned something from the situation. You made me smile. I hope i get to know this Anna also. Forgive yourself, move on from the past, and be happy honey!

[emwell]

I was not going to add my 2 cents, but if you know me at all, you know I can have trouble keeping quiet sometimes.
I was a tad surprised when I first heard that you had been lying. I had actually been gone from chat for a bit when the truth first came out. I smirk a bit when I think of how the topic of you came up. I was talking to an online/forever/best/wicked awesome friend. She asked me about something I had just done. I chuckled and responded with, "I was hoping no one would remember I was doing that. BlindedByTheDark is the only one who would ever remember anyway."
It was odd when I first returned to chat after my brief hiatis from everything. A couple people asked me about you. All I knew was that you had lied and your account was suspended. The answer I gave to these questions was "her account is suspended and this is all I know"
Eventually I tracked down this thread. I read and read and read some more.
When done, my decision was to not reply. It did not matter what I thought or felt. Everyone is going to have an opinion and sharing mine would not change a thing.

Then today came and I saw a few new replies. I absolutely loved reading SeeSaws thoughts. I do not agree with everything written, but I respect her thoughts. Then I saw that BaseLine replied. No way I can keep quiet now. BaseLine has my utmost respect and I figured if she replied I should/could/would as well. Odd? we have never met IRL.
Also, by waiting before speaking, I am able to act, Not React to this situation. Always better for me to take a minute and chill.

So,
Knowing the truth I ask myself this.... "Is it possible to be surprised yet not be surprised at the same time?" I looked back at some things and thought, "maybe I was right after all?" There had been a couple of inconsistencies with our interactions. No ones business really, but I did speak with a couple trusted friends about them (not while on PC). The responses I got were, "Maybe she had help?" and "Anna is never wrong when it comes to numbers." As #8 Always, I know a thing or two about numbers and obsession and listening to my gut. I really need to work on trusting my gut.

So,
Do not expect me to treat you any different now that you do not have autism. Shoot, my DX's have changed, why can't yours? See, I am laughing again. I just thought about the time I was yelled at for something I said to you. "The exact words were, "don't you know she is autistic?"
"Ummmm, Yes, I do. and I should treat her different WHY?"
I do recall sticking up for you a few times, but it was not because you had autism. It was because you had been treated poorly. I would have stuck up for almost anyone.
If you come back, Great. If you don't, that is too bad.

So,
After reading this, you will continue to love me or not, continue to hate me or not, or if I did it right, you might learn something or not. What's wicked cool is that it does not make a difference to me what most of you think.
Also, I think BlindedByTheDark is still the most creative name I have ever seen. But BlueEyedMama will always make me smile.

I can hear my Husbands voice in my head. "Just hit publish!!!!"

[s4ndm4n2006]

Anna, I am glad you came out with this post, but as someone else said I am not quite sure how I feel about it. Time will tell. Truth is, if your post is from the heart as you say it is, this is a first step to being able to be real with people. It is a start on the right path and that... my dear, is a good thing.

Going forward, tbh what you do from here will matter most as to what happens here, in your life and in your heart. I hope you keep making the right choices and decide to be real with everyone from now on

Good luck and best wishes!

[jaynedough]

I realize this reply is late to the thread, but I need to say this.

I have schizoaffective disorder. One of my issues is distrust. I fight that every single day of my life. I had seen your earlier posts and then saw how you were posting in a nonsensical syntax. I was suspicious, but told myself that something must've happened to cause this change. That I need to not be so schizzy about stuff. This has been a healing place for me and the first place I feel like I can be me. So I suspended my distrust, so much so that, when you said you had autism (as opposed to a brain injury or DID), I told myself that I must've confused your earlier posts with someone else's. I still had some suspicions, but kept telling myself that this was a safe place for me.

I felt horrible and stupid when I couldn't understand your writings. When you made a post about being angry at people for not understanding you, I felt incredibly guilty. So I started trying to make sure to give hugs when I didn't understand because ii know what it's like to not have people understand what you're trying to get across.

While I am well aware that people lie on the internet, I thought that this was a safe place. That I could learn to trust people as genuine and hopefully carry that trust out into the real world. I know that you're not the first hoaxter here. I just want to be able to trust.

When people with severe mental illness try to justify why they're on disability, "outsiders" point to fakers as the rule rather than the exception.

I'm hurting so badly right now.

I don't doubt that you have serious mental issues. I'm trying to remember that as I continue to process your confession. I hope you are getting help with dealing with your issues.

I think it was incredibly brave to come out and tell the truth.

Honestly I wish I knew what else to say or do.

I will tell everyone again, I'm sorry. I've made a point not to discuss myself on here this time
around so no one needs to worry. I'm just resposponding to light hearted threads or
giving people advice. That's all I will do here.

And yes I am getting help, and again I am sorry.

[Hope 51]

Hi Anna. Welcome back.

Refuse to dwell on the past. Learn from it, but move on.

You are courageous to have revealed the truth. It took guts.
It's taken more courage to return here. And to receive help irl.

Keep looking ahead and focus on the bright spots/positives to help you get through.
You will heal. You will get better. I sense a determination/resolve in you to overcome past issues.

The serenity prayer is powerful.
Meditate on it for strength Anna. Put your hope in God.

You have been very honest and brave anna, that bodes well for you and was the right thing to do.

Yes some people will be triggered by what you did, or rather the knowledge of what you did. There will be other people who are not who they say on PC either, that may or may not be part of their conditions. That is reality online particularly on mental health forums.

As I see it people can choose to 'ignore' you if they are triggered by you. That may be wisest choice for them. Others will accept you and are pleased that you have returned.

[sabby]

Thank you everyone for your input and feelings. At this time, this thread is being closed. Please take further discussion with Anna to pm.