All of you probably know that many of things I have been doing on this site are not exactly truthful. First I am going to do my best to explain myself. Please understand that by doing this I am not saying that hurting you was okay. I just hope to be understood better by those of you who are willing to do that.

When I was a child it was suspected that I may have high functioning autism. I truly identified with people who are autistic and I felt comfortable, long before I ever joined this site, identifying as that. The world made more sense to me that way. I always liked certainty, routines, and that type of thing. But people in my life never understood this. I guess you could say they had too high of expectations for what I could handle. No one allowed me to be this "person" who was safe and secure, in a world I created where nothing ever changed, everything was safe. I guess you could say they never joined me in that world. So I was alone in it and judged and abandoned by those around me, especially my mother when I was 15 years old.

I created this world for myself because I literally cannot handle the outside world, the real world. Any time I tried to explain this to people in an intelligent manner, they refused to accept it. Instead they told me I had to grow up, face things, and love myself. All I ever got was lectures and no acceptance. It got worse after my mother left because I felt like no one loved me in that exact way I need to be loved, and any time I brought this up, I was told to love myself. I question this because: how can you love yourself if no one shows you how by loving you? No one would say that to a 6 year old; but simply because years had passed I was expected to be at a place I wasn't-emotionally and in a lot of ways mentally. Sort of like telling a plant to water itself.

Then I joined Psych Central, initially just for human contact. The only friend I had ever had in real life was telling me I needed to find other people to talk to because I was draining her. I started talking about my feelings and how I identified with autism, and I thought that I probably did have autism. When I joined chat, I wanted it to be a safe place where I could be myself and say random things that other people never understood and that to be accepted instead of people being mean to me for being different like in real life. At first people were mean to me when I would say things. They didn't seem to understand why I would do that and didn't want me to because it was annoying(I was typing like I am now then, only saying the things I say that people would find "weird", like repeating things, because that's what makes me comfortable). Then one day another member asked me if I have autism. They had heard me talking about it before so I said yes.

All of a sudden, because of this information, people stopped arguing with me, stopped telling me not to say certain things, and stopped getting angry at me. And I started to feel safe because for once in my life, I couldn't be judged. Over time I started automatically morphing into the person my mind created. This happened because every time I did something, no matter how small it was, people gave me the love and support I had been craving my whole life. It was like putting food in front of someone who hadn't eaten in 21 years. I am not trying to not take responsibility for my actions by saying this but I truly feel that my mind did this on its own. But I could have stopped it if I had thought of other people besides myself.

It was as if, finally, for the first time ever, people were joining me in my world. My safe, secure world where I could never get hurt, everything was the same, and no one questioned me for being the way I truly felt inside, saying the things I felt, and enjoying the things I loved. I was in state group homes as a teenager and I was told I'm not supposed to like playing with toys, coloring and watching cartoons. Because I could argue my point intelligently, they refused to hear it. I was constantly told to grow up no matter how I tried to explain myself. So when I moved in with my room mate, I shut the outside world out completely. That person you thought I was? I was her all of the time. Because I never did anything with my real life, people in my real life didn't understand me. You did.

It's honestly very hard for me to explain how my typing came to change. Again, I could have stopped it. I chose not to after some point because I would lose the only people I felt had ever truly loved and cared about me in my life, which has now happened with many people. I had tricked my mind into believing I was that person, tricked myself into blacking out the lies I gave to support the things I said (that I still lived in a group home when I hadn't for 2 years, my pet dog was a service animal) because it all became real in this world I created.

I have now explained myself the best I could, so what's more important than that is this: I hurt and deceived a lot of people here. People I came to love and treasure, the very people in the world who don't deserve to be hurt by others. It hurts me the most knowing that--not that I'm going to lose many of you, but that I have done this to you. You meant everything to me. You were my world. And I disgraced your trust. I will never forgive myself for that. All of you deserve better than you get, not only from me but you don't deserve these illnesses. You don't deserve pain or suffering at all. If I had a magic wish, I would somehow remove all the pain and suffering in the world. I don't understand the purpose of pain and hurt, why things have to happen to cause it.

It works like a cycle, I have been hurt, so I hurt others in the process of trying to undo my hurt, now some of you will have no choice but to hurt me and I accept it, because really its not you, I have hurt myself by doing this. My love for you was always real. It's as real as love can ever get, because even though I know many of you are going to stop speaking to me, many of you don't like me at all despite what I've done, and I still love you the same as I always have. The certainty I created lets me say that. Before I joined Psych Central I had given up that there was any good or hope in the world. Youchanged that. Not because of the things I did or said, but because of who all of YOU are. Someday you will be rewarded for making this world a better place. I say that to each and every one of you, no matter how you feel about me after finding out this information.

I have decided to take a break from this website for awhile and try to heal, and give you time to deal with this. I know that when I return many of you won't want to talk to me anymore, ever. As painful as that will be, somehow, in the same way I trained my mind to become this person, I will have to learn to accept that. Some things you can't undo in life, sometimes the consequences you face for your actions are permanent and life long. I have learned that. If I could turn back time, what I would do is: When people said things about the way I was acting, I would explain like I did above instead of letting it turn into something exaggerated like I did. I would have accepted that not everyone would understand and not expected that. I would have never hurt any of you, and been grateful for those of you who spoke to me and came to love me. Maybe I wouldn't have as many people had I done that, but at least the ones I would have would have never been hurt. No one would have gotten hurt in this way. That would have been wonderful.

I beg of you to do one thing, if I've ever asked you anything and meant it with all of my heart it's this: If you have children, love them. Don't ever doubt your love for your children and make sure they always feel safe and supported. Many of you know this from your own experiences, but the damage from not being nurtured properly as a child is catastrophic and irreversible. Even if you don't have children, or if you do, if you know someone who is hurting, love them. Give the same love you gave me to someone else, someone who deserves it.

I love each and every one of you, for the love you gave me, but also for the lessons you have taught me. Even if you never speak to me again (it's often best for people to cut contact with me) I hope that you can overcome the hurt you feel that I have created and not hate the world simply because you met a bad person (me).

I love you all and I am sorry.

If you ever think of me, listen to this song and hear the words I say to this entire community, the world and myself:

[Artchic528]

Anna, I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you find peace someday.

[Quarter life]

Life is hard.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

All of you probably know that many of things I have been doing on this site are not exactly truthful. First I am going to do my best to explain myself. Please understand that by doing this I am not saying that hurting you was okay. I just hope to be understood better by those of you who are willing to do that.

When I was a child it was suspected that I may have high functioning autism. I truly identified with people who are autistic and I felt comfortable, long before I ever joined this site, identifying as that. The world made more sense to me that way. I always liked certainty, routines, and that type of thing. But people in my life never understood this. I guess you could say they had too high of expectations for what I could handle. No one allowed me to be this "person" who was safe and secure, in a world I created where nothing ever changed, everything was safe. I guess you could say they never joined me in that world. So I was alone in it and judged and abandoned by those around me, especially my mother when I was 15 years old.

I created this world for myself because I literally cannot handle the outside world, the real world. Any time I tried to explain this to people in an intelligent manner, they refused to accept it. Instead they told me I had to grow up, face things, and love myself. All I ever got was lectures and no acceptance. It got worse after my mother left because I felt like no one loved me in that exact way I need to be loved, and any time I brought this up, I was told to love myself. I question this because: how can you love yourself if no one shows you how by loving you? No one would say that to a 6 year old; but simply because years had passed I was expected to be at a place I wasn't-emotionally and in a lot of ways mentally. Sort of like telling a plant to water itself.

Then I joined Psych Central, initially just for human contact. The only friend I had ever had in real life was telling me I needed to find other people to talk to because I was draining her. I started talking about my feelings and how I identified with autism, and I thought that I probably did have autism. When I joined chat, I wanted it to be a safe place where I could be myself and say random things that other people never understood and that to be accepted instead of people being mean to me for being different like in real life. At first people were mean to me when I would say things. They didn't seem to understand why I would do that and didn't want me to because it was annoying(I was typing like I am now then, only saying the things I say that people would find "weird", like repeating things, because that's what makes me comfortable). Then one day another member asked me if I have autism. They had heard me talking about it before so I said yes.

All of a sudden, because of this information, people stopped arguing with me, stopped telling me not to say certain things, and stopped getting angry at me. And I started to feel safe because for once in my life, I couldn't be judged. Over time I started automatically morphing into the person my mind created. This happened because every time I did something, no matter how small it was, people gave me the love and support I had been craving my whole life. It was like putting food in front of someone who hadn't eaten in 21 years. I am not trying to not take responsibility for my actions by saying this but I truly feel that my mind did this on its own. But I could have stopped it if I had thought of other people besides myself.

It was as if, finally, for the first time ever, people were joining me in my world. My safe, secure world where I could never get hurt, everything was the same, and no one questioned me for being the way I truly felt inside, saying the things I felt, and enjoying the things I loved. I was in state group homes as a teenager and I was told I'm not supposed to like playing with toys, coloring and watching cartoons. Because I could argue my point intelligently, they refused to hear it. I was constantly told to grow up no matter how I tried to explain myself. So when I moved in with my room mate, I shut the outside world out completely. That person you thought I was? I was her all of the time. Because I never did anything with my real life, people in my real life didn't understand me. You did.

It's honestly very hard for me to explain how my typing came to change. Again, I could have stopped it. I chose not to after some point because I would lose the only people I felt had ever truly loved and cared about me in my life, which has now happened with many people. I had tricked my mind into believing I was that person, tricked myself into blacking out the lies I gave to support the things I said (that I still lived in a group home when I hadn't for 2 years, my pet dog was a service animal) because it all became real in this world I created.

I have now explained myself the best I could, so what's more important than that is this: I hurt and deceived a lot of people here. People I came to love and treasure, the very people in the world who don't deserve to be hurt by others. It hurts me the most knowing that--not that I'm going to lose many of you, but that I have done this to you. You meant everything to me. You were my world. And I disgraced your trust. I will never forgive myself for that. All of you deserve better than you get, not only from me but you don't deserve these illnesses. You don't deserve pain or suffering at all. If I had a magic wish, I would somehow remove all the pain and suffering in the world. I don't understand the purpose of pain and hurt, why things have to happen to cause it.

It works like a cycle, I have been hurt, so I hurt others in the process of trying to undo my hurt, now some of you will have no choice but to hurt me and I accept it, because really its not you, I have hurt myself by doing this. My love for you was always real. It's as real as love can ever get, because even though I know many of you are going to stop speaking to me, many of you don't like me at all despite what I've done, and I still love you the same as I always have. The certainty I created lets me say that. Before I joined Psych Central I had given up that there was any good or hope in the world. Youchanged that. Not because of the things I did or said, but because of who all of YOU are. Someday you will be rewarded for making this world a better place. I say that to each and every one of you, no matter how you feel about me after finding out this information.

I have decided to take a break from this website for awhile and try to heal, and give you time to deal with this. I know that when I return many of you won't want to talk to me anymore, ever. As painful as that will be, somehow, in the same way I trained my mind to become this person, I will have to learn to accept that. Some things you can't undo in life, sometimes the consequences you face for your actions are permanent and life long. I have learned that. If I could turn back time, what I would do is: When people said things about the way I was acting, I would explain like I did above instead of letting it turn into something exaggerated like I did. I would have accepted that not everyone would understand and not expected that. I would have never hurt any of you, and been grateful for those of you who spoke to me and came to love me. Maybe I wouldn't have as many people had I done that, but at least the ones I would have would have never been hurt. No one would have gotten hurt in this way. That would have been wonderful.

I beg of you to do one thing, if I've ever asked you anything and meant it with all of my heart it's this: If you have children, love them. Don't ever doubt your love for your children and make sure they always feel safe and supported. Many of you know this from your own experiences, but the damage from not being nurtured properly as a child is catastrophic and irreversible. Even if you don't have children, or if you do, if you know someone who is hurting, love them. Give the same love you gave me to someone else, someone who deserves it.

I love each and every one of you, for the love you gave me, but also for the lessons you have taught me. Even if you never speak to me again (it's often best for people to cut contact with me) I hope that you can overcome the hurt you feel that I have created and not hate the world simply because you met a bad person (me).

I love you all and I am sorry.

If you ever think of me, listen to this song and hear the words I say to this entire community, the world and myself:

it takes great courage to do what you are doing....being honest with yourself and those you care about here on psych central..

my opinion what you have done and shared just shows how easy it is for people to slip into problems due to self diagnosis, power or suggestion and how easy it is to pretend and fall into what my location calls mental disorder imposed on self. and of course how limited we are here at psych central. Just like anywhere else on the web, we only know what each other posts we do not have the inside behind the words information. therefore we can do great harm to another by self diagnosing and suggesting another member has a mental disorder. Im not excluding me here, its one of the reasons i send my posts in to the moderators before I post them (so that I can be assured that I am not causing another to have mental disorder imposed on self or mental disorder imposed on others through suggestions that they may have a mental disorder)

please go easy on yourself. some of what you experienced is just the design of this website. all posts must be in support of members and their mental disorders they post they have must be accepted as is. So even in the occasions of where people may have recognized you were pretending as much as you posted, the nature of the site is members could not confront you on that, could not do anything but to support or not post to you.

I am glad that you have decided you want to give up the pretending and start anew with where you are at now, and be your self.

my opinion you are not the first person i know that has fallen into this self diagnosis \mental disorder imposed on self kind of trap and you are welcome here when ever you are ready.

Hi Anna,

I don't judge; no apology needed for me.

I recently sent you a friend request and you accepted. I didn't send you the friend request because I thought you were some type of helpless autistic person; I sent you the friend request because my heart told me it was the right thing to do.

I told you I loved you the other day. Guess what? I still love you.

[BeaFlower]

Anna, I hope you come back very soon. I'm not hurt, and I don't care if you have or don't have autism. You aren't your diagnosis. You're just Anna. And I love you, and I know many people love you here
I look forward to hearing from you again

Explaining this was a very brave thing Anna, thank you.

I don't think you are a bad person, what you did came from a place of pain. I hope that you will find help and support to make your life happier, you deserve it.

[Serzen]

Anna = Best person.

[Hope 51]

You will always be my sweet Anna, always!
Thank you for revealing your truth.
That took a tremendous amount of courage.
Am so sad for your hurt and pain.
You are still my 'sweet Anna'.
I will always be your friend and always love you.

[MistressStayc]

Anna, I don't know how I really feel about all this yet but I think you are very brave for posting this.

It has made me think twice about who and what to trust on here. I even sent you a friend request Anna. And I remember looking at your profile and seeing the photos in your albums, and reading your posts, and how you struggled to express yourself - but how much love and support people gave you back. It was heartening to see. And all that emotion was and is genuine. And yet now you say it's all fake? Hmm. I think you need a lot of help, and I hope you get some meds and a good therapist.

[bluekoi]

Anna,

Thank you for apologizing.

It hurts to be lied to and to feel taken advantage of.

Personally, I hope you can learn a valuable life skill about the importance honesty/truthfulness.

Thank you again for your post.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I wonder how people who are autistic would respond to this thread. Maybe they are the ones you should be apologizing to. People trust that this is a safe site to visit and you may have caused them to think otherwise because of the selfish way you chose to have your needs met. My response may seem harsh but I think posing as "Autistic Anna" to get attention is disgusting, and I would tell you this to your face. I also wonder if this long post is more attention seeking. What about the book you wrote and made available online? All fake? Guess the friend who helped you "write" it was fake too. You need help. I hope you get it very soon.

I am 100% real and helped write the book.

I did not know either.

Cheers

Wendy

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I wonder how people who are autistic would respond to this thread. Maybe they are the ones you should be apologizing to. People trust that this is a safe site to visit and you may have caused them to think otherwise because of the selfish way you chose to have your needs met. My response may seem harsh but I think posing as "Autistic Anna" to get attention is disgusting, and I would tell you this to your face. I also wonder if this long post is more attention seeking. What about the book you wrote and made available online? All fake? Guess the friend who helped you "write" it was fake too. You need help. I hope you get it very soon.

I don't know how to answer now except say that you are right. And agree with you. That's it. And don't hope I get help because I'm not going to be around this site to hurt you so who cares?

[Moogieotter]

Hi Anna,

Thanks for your detailed post, explanation, apology, and wisdom. You are a dearly loved friend in my family. We're supportive and understanding. Good luck on your hiatus. We're here for you!

moogs

Wendy thought the same thing you thought. She was hurt as much as you were, defintiely more.

I don't know what to say about when you said the post was maybe attention seeking, but I understand you think that. I want to say its not but you won't believe me and I understand that

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

Wendy thought the same thing you thought. She was hurt as much as you were, probably more.

Yup. That is true.

I tried to explain that I did not mean to pose. This is how i truly feel inside, not just on the internet. But I know some people can't understand that.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

I tried to explain that I did not mean to pose. This is how i truly feel inside, not just on the internet. But I know some people can't understand that.

Well it's good to see you type normally for once. I always wondered if you understood one word I used to say to you. I could have engaged with you on a much deeper level and helped you with some of the genuine issues you face. Bit honestly I spoke to you like a kid because you sounded like you had the mentality of an 8 year old so I felt the need to protect you from others because I saw you as the most defensless person in the chatroom unable to stand your own ground.

Glad to see you stand on your own two feet.

[unaluna]

Please dont put all the blame on yourself. People could just use the search function to look up your earlier threads. I did, because i thought i had remembered you writing differently some years back. I didnt understand what (or why) you were doing, but if i found a thread interesting, i responded; otherwise i didnt.

Maybe we need a refresher course about using the search button? But i dont think people should blame you. The truth was always out there.

And i think you are right - a lot of our healing like in therapy comes from people being patient with us, accepting of us.

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Well it's good to see you type normally for once. I always wondered if you understood one word I used to say to you. I could have engaged with you on a much deeper level and helped you with some of the genuine issues you face. Bit honestly I spoke to you like a kid because you sounded like you had the mentality of an 8 year old so I felt the need to protect you from others because I saw you as the most defensless person in the chatroom unable to stand your own ground.

Glad to see you stand on your own two feet.

What I'm trying to explain is, it makes me feel safe to be like that. And feel protected. Everyone in my life tries to talk to me on a deeper level and i just want to be loved and protected. And now because I'm asking for it instead of making it seem mandatory I won't get it. Any time someone treats me like an adult I just find another way automatically to be treated like a child that I feel inside. I wish you could see, a part of me is an 8 year old kid. The whole reason this happened is because i didn't want to be on a deeper level. That never helped me, it just upset me and made me revert more into being a child. Because I feel more comfortably that way. But if i just say that, I won't get the need met.When I talked about things like repeating numbers, i truly and honestly wanted to talk about it. but that wouldn't be accepted if it wasn't something people can understand.

I would have never lied if I had thought I could just ask to be treated the way everyone treated me anyway and they would
d
understand. I'm only being deep right now for the sake of everyone I've hurt. I'd rather talk about something simple and certain, because that's how I want things to be. But I'm doing this for you, for everyone because the wrong part was lying....

All things I said, though, were real. I really felt like that person. And to be honest I'm scared I'm going to do it again. Not here, but in some other way. Because you can talk to me about it all I want, therapists can talk to me about it all I want, and the only thing I crave is to be treated like a child and accepted for being that way. My mind has that need and it will do anything to get it, no matter what..

and its scary. I have gone to therapy. Again, it's the deep stuff and what they don't understand is that you don't go deep with a 6 year old so why just because years have gone by for me that I don't get the same need met? By the therapist I mean.

[vonmoxie]

I remember Anna's earlier threads very well. Shortly before her speech patterns had changed, she'd expressed concerns about power of attorney, about her family's attitude towards her and her condition, about possibly being committed against her will.. So I wondered if she was in some terrible institution that had given her the wrong meds, or if she'd had a bad reaction to electroshock therapy, had destructive epileptic seizures (not uncommon among the autistic and Anna has referred to having had seizures), had a traumatic brain injury, or some combination thereof.

But with Anna's apparently more limited vocabulary and sentence structuring I didn't want to make her feel badly by pushing her to attempt to communicate about these more complicated situations I perceived could be happening. I felt helpless but wanted to be supportive.

I hope you know, Anna, or will realize, that your own personality would have garnered you as much attention on this site, and perhaps even more quality attention. Many of us struggle just to keep our spirits up, and anyone being here with a good word and a sense of optimism brings us joy. I try to apply myself in helping people in the best ways I know how to do, and it's not as much as many more generous people than myself on here, but I've felt many times the appreciation of others, as I've expressed to others my appreciation of them. I don't think there's better attention than that, and it's available to everyone on here.

Also, regarding your last post.. I think you can tell people what you're looking for; one sees that happening all the time on here. People will say "I just need support right now" "I just need hugs right now" "this is what I can handle", and people tend to be pretty respectful of those requests if they've understood them.

On the one hand, I'm quite glad to hear that you lied in that it means that you haven't sustained the types of injury and damage I'd worried you had. On the other hand it's a lot to adjust to, stirs feelings in people about other times they've been lied to, felt duped, etc. I hope we can all find growth and opportunity in working through the various feelings it has brought up, so that it can become something positive.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

What I'm trying to explain is, it makes me feel safe to be like that. And feel protected. Everyone in my life tries to talk to me on a deeper level and i just want to be loved and protected. And now because I'm asking for it instead of making it seem mandatory I won't get it. Any time someone treats me like an adult I just find another way automatically to be treated like a child that I feel inside. I wish you could see, a part of me is an 8 year old kid. The whole reason this happened is because i didn't want to be on a deeper level. That never helped me, it just upset me and made me revert more into being a child. Because I feel more comfortably that way. But if i just say that, I won't get the need met.When I talked about things like repeating numbers, i truly and honestly wanted to talk about it. but that wouldn't be accepted if it wasn't something people can understand.

I would have never lied if I had thought I could just ask to be treated the way everyone treated me anyway and they would
d
understand. I'm only being deep right now for the sake of everyone I've hurt. I'd rather talk about something simple and certain, because that's how I want things to be. But I'm doing this for you, for everyone because the wrong part was lying....

All things I said, though, were real. I really felt like that person. And to be honest I'm scared I'm going to do it again. Not here, but in some other way. Because you can talk to me about it all I want, therapists can talk to me about it all I want, and the only thing I crave is to be treated like a child and accepted for being that way. My mind has that need and it will do anything to get it, no matter what..

and its scary. I have gone to therapy. Again, it's the deep stuff and what they don't understand is that you don't go deep with a 6 year old so why just because years have gone by for me that I don't get the same need met? By the therapist I mean.

I see what you're saying.

I don't understand it though.

On a logical level I loved the child within you to be nurtured.

But how is that fulfilling for you?

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I see what you're saying.

I don't understand it though.

On a logical level I loved the child within you to be nurtured.

But how is that fulfilling for you?

You accepted me.

Because that part of me was real, at least to me.

And she wanted acceptance just like any other human being.

I like being that way. Because being that way, and doing and saying the things I said, it's safe for me and I feel like I'm letting go and being myself.

Whenever I act like that around other people, like when I was a child in school, or people now too, they refuse to accept it.

I felt like for once, someone was accepting me, and could be on the same level I was on , in that world with me, and i wasn't alone.

Now I'm alone, because everyone has left that world.

You know how i said not changed? That's how it always was. I could come on here knowing things would be certain and clear.

Knowing no one would use sarcasm or pun with me because I don't like that.

Security.

I'm trying to explain Wendy. I'm sorry.

I want to add that I act like that and do the things I said I did when I'm alone. I write numbers. I watch TMNT and Arthur. All of those things. I have the TMNT Bubble bath.