How do I stop the memories?

Hi, I probably need a bit of help. I believe I have some traits in common with C-PTSD, although I didn't see anybody about it. I don't think it's neccesary in my case.

I have a problem with what probably could be described as intrusive memories. Most often there is a trigger of some sort, often found in media or literature. Someone trapped powerless in a painful situation with no way out. It also happens when I see a connection between my past and my own reactions. I get agitated, pace back and forth in a cloud of helpless rage, then sink into depression and all those memories come flooding in, seeming very real and I'd cry the night away until I fell asleep from exhaustion. Thankfully I've been able to manage it better over time and mostly snap out of it in just over an hour now, but I'm still exhausted and shakey for a day or two afterwards. The weirdest thing is that I end up being drawn to the known triggers and stubbornly go back to them over and over until I don't react anymore - to that particular instance, which is not a big help overall. There are some things too powerful that even I avoid, though (nice to see I have at least some common sense.) I'm just weird that way - if I'm afraid or uncomfortable with something, I feel a strong need to keep trying until it's not an issue. Often it plays to my advantage. Sometimes it does not.

Trusted people around help a lot - it just takes one second, one look to see they're calm, something dosen't add up and I realize everything is OK. Sometimes I scrap enough willpower to call somebody on the phone - the moment I hear them I return back to reality and I'm fine, often I don't even tell them why I called. I also have an insane need to retell my story over and over again, I mostly resort to places online and limit myself to a rough outline. I don't want to burden my friends too much - once is enough.

All of this started about a year after I moved out of the house five years ago. I had to work quite a lot on myself to be able to even function, but I'm already in a rather good place. I don't have trouble sleeping and mostly turn my nightmares into victories by sheer will (no, you're not going to trap me because I can FLY), I have a few amazing people around. It's just this - the memories that trouble me. How can I get done with it?

CBT is one method that can help, so that you aren't incapacitated by your memories.

The only thing that has helped me with PTSD, is finding a good trauma specialist and working with EMDR. Do you have the means of getting a therapist?

I would prefer working things out on my own and within a circle of friends (thankfully I have multiple trusted individuals around) if it's in any way possible. I don't really feel comfortable at the thought of being judged face to face by someone who I don't know and who dosen't know me. I'm probably afraid of someone denying or perhaps minimalizing things. I mean, they must have heard a million times worse stories than mine. Or, on the other hand I'm afraid they'd take me too seriously, which is also uncomfortable - I hate when I feel like I'm fishing for sympathy or reaction (which I feel like whenever I get sympathy or shock as a response even if it's not my intention) because it somehow makes things feel less real.

My insurance does cover therapy, but there are some serious limits and it's not the best setting even if you're lucky to find somebody who actually cares (insurance-covered therapists are overworked, overbooked and they don't really need to be trying that hard to get people, meaning they don't need to be as good, meaning they often aren't. Mum would keep sending me to them when I was young to find out what's wrong with ME and made me switch whenever she felt they're questioning her too much. As a result I've visited most in town already. Another reason why I don't want to go that route, I'm afraid they'll remember, I'm riddiculously memorable for some reason. Really. I know people recognise me 5 years after we chatted for 5 minutes on the bus. Actually there's someone I'd trust to see again, but I'm really afraid she'd remember me... I hate when people remember me from that time, I was something terrible. But she started suspecting there's something wrong with mum after the first session when all others would go on trying to teach me relaxation techniques). I found a couple of therapists whose articles and reviews sound as if I'd feel at ease with them and who sound like they'd be able to help, but I can't afford their prices even though it's not really that much.

I understand this. Just wanted to let you know youre not a lone.

I guess I wouldn't go see a therapist either if I had those experiences you must have had to think therapists are in the way you described above. From my experience, there are good ones out there who don't judge, who take insurance, and who really want to help and who are good. But honestly you can't judge a T by what is on their webpage. Good luck in your healing.

Wow, I feel your pain Ameline! My flooding got so bad to the point where I could not live a normal life. Theraphy and medication have been my lifeline. The ssri I take blunts the memories and flooding, to make life manageable.
Having a good support system helps, but I suggest seeking therapy to help your brain( and in some cases body) makes sense of somethings, especially trigger seeking behavior. In some cases you might be surprised.

Thank you for your advice, now I'm feeling much better, it was a bad week or two, now the sun shines and it feels like nothing bad ever happened. This is weird. I wonder if everyone gets these highs and lows...

I'm new to this forum and don't have much experience with CPTSD, just was diagnosed recently.

But I have recently gone through an Intensive outpatient program based around DBT and what you're doing - facing the thing that causes you stress until it doesn't bother you kinda sounds like a skill that DBT teaches. It's about fear/anxiety. Basically if something isn't trying to harm you but causing you fear/anxiety the idea of DBT is that you act opposite of the fear/anxiety and face it.

I've been told that DBT can be effective for PTSD. AND (this is a big AND) there are books that you can read and skills that you can learn on your own without having to go to a therapist. There are excerises and worksheets that help you track moods and triggers and things like that.

The two books that have been used in my therapy are The Dialetical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay and The Dialectical Bheavior Therapy Skils Workbook for Anxiety By Alexasnder Chapman.

Because I had been through this I also bought the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan. This is supposed to be a companion to a book for therapists. But there is good information and again, it has worksheets and ways to track how you are feeling and your responses.

I don't know if these will help but you could try looking at the in the bookstore and see if it's something you'd find helpful. But it's a way to get access to therapy without seeing a therapist.

I'm going through a DBT class which uses Marsha book-she came up with DBT.

Hi

I have C-PTSD and it has been a battle since it started to manifest itself four years ago. I've had a lot of trauma therapy which has helped. I've also done inner child work by listening to the child within and allowing him to express thoughts/feelings he was never allowed to express. DBT doesn't work for me.

Then I read on here about EMDR and have started using it by doing it myself. I figure I know myself well enough to use it by myself and it is having results! I'm able to 'unblock' the traumas within and feel freer and happier! I hope this helps.

PH

If DBT won't work there's a therapy called Internal Family Systems, my regular therapist uses but right now we're going to be working on DBT skills to build a strong foundation so I can do the IFS work.

IFS is all about connecting with the "exiles" caused by trauma and the protectors and bring empathy and comfort. I'm terrible at explaining it but this is the website Center for Self Leadership, IFS Therapy Training (Official Site)

and there are books and workbooks you can buy to do the work on your own. I have: Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition by Jay Earley;
Self-Therapy Workbook: An Exercise Book For The IFS Process by Bonnie Weiss;
Illustrated Workbook for Self-Therapy for Your Inner Critic: Transforming Self-Criticism into Self-Confidence.

There's also a book I'll get at some point called Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner Life by Tom Holmes.

IFS talks about Parts work because you work on the different parts of yourself and sometimes it's visualizing a part.

I like both DBT and IFS but I know that DBT has given me some concrete skills and IFS stirred up some really deep stuff. Well at the same time I had some majorly triggering situations (Which I just now realize what they were).

Omg I can relate and I still have memories and this comment is not really a solution but I want to point out some amazing things I notice like how you are so clear and direct on explaining and talking about this it's amazing there is like clarity and everything im sorry u have intrusive thoughts and unpleasant symptoms tho and like I said it's not a solution answer but I think you're doing great and like you've managed it well as you grow I think that trying to be done with the thoughts can make it worse like by trying to avoid or get rid Might be harmful in ways like maybe u might might have random feelings of guilt but not sure why well I don't know I think something's like these are beyond our control and focus on what you can control (U can control lots of things!) U can control events or how people feel but you can control how u take it in and it's good u have amazing ppl around u and I don't want to be all fake and be like it'll b ok I mean it will but idk like my head kinda foggy rn and im new here im sorry if this comment wasn't helpful alldkskdjdk but I wish u I just saw this post and got hooked bc of the title and it's relatable and im sorry I feel that way but like I said I don't really have an answer but I notice good things and how u improve and how aware u are its amazing and clear and im sorry about the memories when I get memories flashbacks etc I connect to bad things etc I just kinda act everything is fine even tho it's not bc I remember something awful.. What I do is just blog about it or do something else to get distracted . Idk I hope u feel better