One Too Many? TRIGGER WARNING

Let me start by saying I have a long history of childhood, life-long trauma.

I have worked hard to try to heal from the childhood events/experiences and those which had also occurred in young adulthood. I thought I was doing well.



I ended up with a traumatic brain injury and whiplash.
Things have not been the same. I have had to stay on Depakote since, due to irritability, sensitivity to noises, etc. Depakote has helped the pain as well as the jumpiness related to the trauma.

I thought I was in a good place with feeling safe in public places when this had happened. I have been going to therapy, doing a huge program, and I still cannot yet get over the feeling of being not safe in public settings. I used to visit that nearby city often, as it is a quaint little city, used to be such fun in the market place, etc. I have not been able to go back into that city on foot at all. I can barely drive by the park without feeling ill.

Nothing has been the same. This event re-triggered everything, it seems.
I don't know if I will ever recover now, as it seems so deeply entrenched.
I was hypervigilant before this event. I am now super hypervigilant.
I am not comfortable out in public with crowds anymore. I am not comfortable outside of my own home, really. I just keep pushing myself when I can do so, so I do go out, yet am on high alert the whole time, which is exhausting. My sleep has gotten worse again, as I had explained in a different post.

Yes, I see an expert in treating CPTSD, I use many of the techniques we talk about here, etc.

I understand traumas are often repeated. However, in this situation, we were in a park considered ultra safe, in broad daylight, just visiting amongst ourselves. There was no poor judgment involved, no underlying compulsion to repeat trauma, etc. It was just the luck of the draw, so to speak.

If you were traumatized earlier in life, have you been re-traumatized as an adult? If so, how did the more recent trauma impact your life?

Just looking for some support, I guess.

Much Love and Healing to All,

WC

((((WILD COYOTE)))
Thank you for sharing your story

Thank you for your response!
I think there will always be some effects of CPTSD. I can live with this.


WC

(((((Wild Coyote)))))

I've been abused as a child, and had abusive relationships as an adult. I know it's not the same as your situation.

I think that early trauma can make someone more suseptible of developing PTSD.

I am SO SORRY that happened to you, it is no wonder you are now so uncomforable in public places. You may always be more vigilant in public places, but, if you still make it a point to keep trying even though it is hard, you can get so you regain more ability to be better about being in public places.

As you can see from my posts I'm dealing with some of the same things. Almost in the same time frames. So I do get you. My last trauma that really started the deluge of memories was finding Dad after his suicide, then all these other traumas started flashing in my head like an old time projector, flash, flash, flash, then it stops on one, like a still frame. It gets worse when I close my eyes to sleep or try meditation. It overpowers any attempt to think deeply on anything, or read in depth.
There's got to be an answer out there. We just have to find it. Thank goodness you found someone who specializes in CPTSD. There's no one around here that does that. There are some with PTSD experience but that's not the same.
I figure we may not get completely out of this. But if we can at least get it to be less controlling over our lives that would be okay. How do you feel about that? I mean memories will always be in our heads, but if we can neutralize their strength, I think we could function some what. Just a thought.

I understand. I was in one relationship which turned abusive once we were engaged. That ended that! That was many years ago now. (My husband is very kind, not abusive at all.)

I have had random public assaults twice as an adult. No provocation, no interaction, just suddenly assaulted. The first time was 30 years ago.

Shocking to have it happen again.

Thanks again,

WC

Thank you!

Yes, I had CPTSD from my childhood.
These additional experiences have added to this.

I also think, in time, it may get easier.

Thanks for your encouragement.


WC

First of all, I am very sorry your dad took his life and even more sorry you'd found him. (((((( Trace ))))))

I don't know how one would get over something like that, Trace.

(My dad took his own life and I was on the other end of the phone, but I did not see him at all. I was too far away. Thankfully. I was 12 y.o.)

Isn't the "old time projector" thing odd?
I was just trying to describe that phenomenon to my husband.

I feel you are being realistic. Let things fade with time. Work to neutralize as much as possible. Are you aware of Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.? He is quite an expert. There are a few other, as well.

I have a great therapist. He is honest about his limitations. He's honest about mine, too. Yet, he remains somewhat hopeful.

Thanks for your feedback.

To our healing,


WC

You can tell we're old, we know what an old time projector is Sometimes it drives me crazy the constant frames of past traumas, the it like waiting for the jack in the box to jump out. Then it happens it stops on one frame, usually the ugliest part of the situation , dissociation sets in........
Glad you found a good T. You are so lucky to have found him.

I haven't had a major new trauma since my original abuse, but I do encounter my abuser a couple of times a year at family events and it pretty much retraumatizes me and sets me back to 0 for a bit.

It helps to remind myself that PTSD is a a spectrum, and having more symptoms right now doesn't mean I haven't made huge progress or that I won't feel better. I also basically treat myself like I am down with the flu--get lots of rest, be attentive and careful with eating well, do things that help me rebuild my sense of safety inch by inch. I tell people in my life I'm not feeling well so that I can take a sick day, or beg off of things that feel overwhelming, etc.

My old coping method was to berate myself for getting reactive, feel ashamed and try to pretend none of it was happening. That didn't really work! I do far better to acknowledge that I'm having a hard time and try to take care of myself through it.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Anyone would be upset and distressed afterwards, let alone somebody with a trauma history.

Hi Skeksi, Thank you!

I am sorry you have to live with re-exposures to your abuser. Wow. I don't know as I could adjust to that. My heart goes out to you.

I lost my cool twice this week, which isn't like me at all. Both times I was on sensory overload and very tired.

Yes, I like to mention self-compassion, but need reminders to employ it myself. Thank you!

I'm realizing more of my difficulties because I have been pushing harder to get out more, to do things even though I hesitate, etc.

Thanks again,



WC

Lol!

Do you ever feel like that same phenomenon happens in front of your eyes, or in your field of vision, instead of inside of your head? I do sometimes.


WC

No not really with the trauma, though I do feel detached when I dissociate like I'm in a bubble watching everything go by and go on, I'm there but I'm not. At first these feelings scared me, now I'm getting used to it and I know I will come out of it at some point.

Yes, I have had a lot of dissociative phenomenon as well through the years.
I tend to think the phenomenon I was just mentioning, when it is in front of my eyes, or in my eyes (not in my head) is some of the dissociative stuff, though not the most intense of the dissociative stuff, for sure.

I think we need to protect ourselves from further trauma. I don't mean we need to be afraid of everyday things, places, people, events in order to take care of ourselves. I do feel I need to avoid any further trauma. This last one, with the physical injuries, too, really took a toll on me. Wow. I can see it more looking back than when I was going through the past 3 years. I was a mess. I am doing better, but have a long way to go.

I like sharing, yet hope my mentioning events is not triggering to anyone else. I had asked "The Well" to help me to cover potentially triggering info., just incase. I was helped and instructed as to how to do it for myself in future posts.

Hugs to anyone needing a hug!

WC

"The Well" ? I think the fear of being re traumatized makes us want to isolate. In my attempt to get out more with neighborhood people that lady pointed her finger/hand like a gun and pointed it at my head. That blew me away on many levels, though I know, without a doubt , she meant nothing by it she was just joking around. But it really made me re think get out amongst people. Maybe we just attract those type of people or we are drawn to them. Such as the lady that was assaulted at the grocery store. I felt like I needed to protect her and help her. But I am a care taker and protector at heart and I don't see that ever changing.

"The Well" is the name of a moderator here. I was helped with hiding the more triggering info. under a trigger warning.

Again, so sorry about what happened with your neighbor at the assault incident.

I think many people, in general, often don't think about what they do or say.
You didn't "ask for" either incident.

I think some of us are more careful of what we do or say because we are sensitive to others. We will encounter many less concerned about affronting other in lots of places.

In fact, it's one of the reasons I'm reticent to get involved on a PTSD forum.
I have found a certain percentage of people "run hot" (highly reactive) on PTSD forums and can be very self-involved and outwardly unkind.

On the other hand, there are very kind and sensitive people as well.

yes, you are a kind person and you will likely always be kind!


WC

I'm pretty young so I don't know how much I can really help here. I can tell you that I deal with my own childhood traumas and now, being an adult, I'm still on high alert. I had some things happen when I was a child and then as a teenager I was assaulted (somewhat similar) to your experience several times. I'm very paranoid as a result. In my job, people aren't always so happy with me and think it's a good idea to threaten or take a swing at me. If I weren't paranoid I'm pretty sure something would've happened by now. I just hope that with enough therapy you'll be able to go out and enjoy yourself rather than looking over your shoulder. And be careful not to push yourself too far too fast, it could end up making things worse. Just take it slow and have patience (a lot easier said than done for me). Good luck.

I was worried about bringing up the hand gesture in the DBT group because I thought it may trigger someone. So I try to watch what I say, but if something may be triggering I try to note it on the post before people open it.
I try to be kind but I'm just human. I have my days when I can't even stand myself and everything irks me. But I was raised to be kind and polite to people. It's the Southern Way, ya know ?
Also with PTSD and CPTSD that's kind of the norm for us. If I get snappy with someone I try to apologize to them because I wouldn't hurt someone here intentionally for anything. We are all here to help, support and get support.
Sometimes I post on other peoples post, if I have the energy. But mostly I try to keep up with my own, that's about all I have the energy for.

Hi leigheas,

I'm glad you've commented! You've added a lot!

I am sorry for your traumas.

I do think it's possible for people to deal with their own traumas sometimes. There are no guarantees that any therapy approach will help. That said, many do find some approaches somewhat helpful. It's very individualized.

I am not sure I could take people taking a swing at me.
I might just avoid the swing if possible. However, in the past, if I saw the swing coming, or saw a quick aggressive movement intended to harm me, I was very likely to do something a bit more aggressive than to avoid the swing. Nothing "bad," yet self-protective.

In fact, in the assault situation, my assailant ran. I got up from the ground and ran after him. He was headed for the crowds in the nearby marketplace and I wanted to keep him in sight so the police could locate him. it all worked out. They met me at the market place and I directed them to the guy.

Thanks for your healing wishes.
I hope you heal, as well.


WC

Exactly!
You will maintain your "Southern way" and/or will most likely apologize. What more could anyone do?
We don't change our core values based upon trauma.*

Once the assailant took down 3 police officers and was arrested, he was seated on the pavement, hands cuffed behind his back. He had to sit there. People were gathering, staring and pointing at him. He was in a bad episode of his paranoia. There was an empty cruiser right there.

Do you know what I asked the police?
Now that we've caught him, don't we have a duty to protect him?
(I had meant protect him from the ridicule of the crowd?)
They'd said yes, helped him up and sat him inside a cruiser.

My point: I think I understand some of where you are coming from on "protecting" and "caretaking?"

It's been a pleasure "meeting you," Trace.


WC

*PTSD and C-PTSD are not personality disorders, nor will an experienced diagnostician confuse the two. It is possible for someone to suffer both a personality disorder and PTSD or CPTSD; however, PTSD and CPTSD do exist without any scent of a PD as well.

No my core values haven't changed, but my ability to fulfill them has. With my isolation and just not wanting to be around people, which is so unlike me, has been the result of the trauma. But deep down I am a caretaker and protector.
You were absolutely right to protect the person in custody. It's an ethical and legal responsibility, he is in your custody.
My experience with T's and CPTSD is that it overwhelms them with all the trauma. I think most go with the PTSD treatment plan which doesn't work for CPTSD.
Glad to have met you also Are you from out West?

Hi Trace,

I agree with you that many therapists do not know how to handle CPTSD well.
I also agree many often feel overwhelmed with the multiple traumas.

Therapists generally attend specific trainings. A therapist trained in Schema Therapy will talk up Schema Therapy. A therapist trained in DBT will talk up DBT, etc. None of it means either/both are the best choice for anyone/everyone.

I have seen more people messed up by EMDR than helped by EMDR. Seriously.
For one, a therapist must be well-trained in EMDR. In addition, it must match the client's needs. Many report feeling re-traumatized and some end up in the hospital for the first time. It's not a totally safe modality.

DBT appears to be more safe. However, DBT therapists may not be so safe.
We have two major DBT IOP centers in my area. One is considered safe. Therapists " in the know" will not refer their clients to the second one. Why? The staff is very problematic, condescending, unprofessional, etc. People end up in crises much more often when they attend the one with the bad reputation.

A few of my acquaintances have finished up in IOP DBT and then lined up private DBT therapists. They'd only gotten worse. Why? The individual therapists were overwhelmed and ended up undermining their clients' self-confidence. Next thing I knew, friends were emotionally crippled by the well-meaning, yet insufficiently trained and ill- supervised therapists who were reaching way beyond DBT and beyond their training, not knowing the damage they were doing. It was sad and frustrating.

My friend living out in the wilderness/off-grid is "recovering" from this type of thing with a poorly trained, poorly supervised therapist(s).

My therapists have almost always been highly trained pdocs. I learned my lesson when I hired a therapist twice -- it was not helpful nor healthy. It would have been very crippling if I had allowed it to continue.

My pdocs have done the therapy for years now. They will not recommend referring me to one of the PTSD or CPTSD therapists or IOP treatment centers, even some of the better therapists/IOP centers.
They have clearly told me the "therapists are not trained for CPTSD and are not well-supervised. The pdocs fear what might happen if I get into the "wrong hands."
My pdocs also recognize there is a lot of misinformation and claims of modalities helping when it's not the case often enough.

There is a lot of misinformation given on PTSD/CPTSD forums, as well. Many statements made are erroneous. I am baffled by some of the erroneous/misleading statements made by people unqualified to make such sweeping statements about diagnoses, modalities, healing, etc.

You seem to have a good sense of yourself and what clicks with you/for you.
Trust your gut. I think you have very good instincts. We've had to hone our instincts, they are still available to us.

In time you will heal and not be so isolated. Depression can set in and needs to be dealt with, as it will add to feeling paralyzed. The same with anxiety, etc.


WC

P.S. I do think CBT/DBT skills can be very helpful.
I like the mindfulness approach and had learned it many years ago and before DBT existed. I had started to train under a Buddhist monk. I had learned a lot of skills to help me. Now the compassion trainings are prevalent and Stanford University is doing the studies showing Compassion teachings are more helpful than the mindfulness teachings.

Kati Morton had a video on bad therapists and she had good points that they are just people too. That if you get a T that you are not comfortable with ask for a referral out. I think by law they are suppose to give at least two referrals. Yes the EMDR is what triggered the past emotions. My 3rd T which was the best, said you have to be ready to do EMDR, that a T needs to take time to help you find that safe place and get to know you before. It was the EAP counselor and she started EMDR like my third visit, within a month after Dad died. It was too soon, I see that now. The good T said when you don't get a person ready for EMDR, you can "hook" other emotions and drag them to the surface and that's exactly what happened with me. So not only was I dealing with Dad and those circumstances, but now a lot of past trauma had to be dealt with again.
Have you ever looked at any of Kati Morton's videos? She's a hoot and so smart about things. She has a video on about any topic you can think of.
Not sure what the next DBT module is, but I think I'm going to try it. The last class for this module is Monday, it's Emotion Regulation , I think.
Yes, our instincts are dialed in very well after what we have done for so many years.

You make great points.

It's true that therapists are only people, too. Yet, many of them need to be much more aware and much more careful. Trauma care is not "one size fits all" specialty.

Why do the pdocs I've seen know better than the therapists in this area?
(Training, intuition, etc.)

Different states also have different licensing requirements for therapists. Some states are quite lax on credentialing of therapists. It's scary. I encourage people to go to therapy with solid pdoc (specialists) referrals only.

Oh, wow, Trace, I did not realize that had happened to you under the care of a therapist. I am very sorry.

Yes, our instincts are "dialed in." We may as well benefit from this fact.

I will take a look at Kati's videos! Thanks!

I hope you are fitting in some fun this weekend!


WC