[Trace14]

Right now is a very stressful time. Everyone seems to have something for me to do to get better. Handling one thing at a time is hard enough. My last meeting with the T she asked what I like to do before...all that I could think of was fishing. So she wants me to go fishing before the next DBT meeting on Monday. Not sure if she has ever gone fishing and knows how much stuff you have to get in line before going. There's the license, the bait, finding the tackle box and making sure you have what you need in there, making sure the rod works, packing a cooler of drinks, sunscreen, bug spray, gun, etc.
Then the lady getting assaulted last night and I feel like I could have done more for her. Didn't sleep well because it triggered flashbacks of Dad beating mom and threatening to kill us both in our sleep.(another possible sleep issue)

I'm not even sure this new T even knows me even though she has the notes from my other T. She's never asked any questions about anything in the past. It's kind of like we will work with the surface issues and not get into the deeper issues. For me it's like a constant slide show going on in my head of past traumas experienced and witnessed. Dad's suicide just seem to start this process, or the early EMDR that I was not ready for. I'm not a whiner or complainer and it's hard for me to ask someone to listen to me and hear my concerns. Maybe I should write a letter to the T, seems to be easier to discuss by writing it instead of "talking it out" When I start talking it out I dissociate and totally forget what we were talking about and that's embarrassing.

This DBT stuff is so overwhelming and it's hard to understand where this fits in with what I'm going through. My VA T says if I don't do DBT classes I need to start with ANOTHER T that has more frequent openings. The good thing is that the VA is hiring more T's for the veterans. Don't know that I have it in me to start over with another T. There was the EAP T, two private T's with the last one being the best so far, and the VA T, because I lost my insurance and job. Oh yeah and several online T's, now that was an interesting experience. I really think CPTSD is not an online therapy issue.

Okay enough rambling.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Trace14: Thanks for sharing your thoughts. The Skeezyks has seen a few therapists for brief periods of time, over the years... never did CBT, DBT, or any of that stuff. I never found a therapist I thought was worth the effort. Yes, one of the things that has stopped me from even considering seeing another therapist is the thought of having to start all over again.

Sometimes it does seem to be easier to write one's thoughts out than it is to try to talk it all through. Even if you don't end up giving your T the letter, writing it may help you organize your thoughts & be better prepared to talk about them during your next session. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with all of these distressing memories & wish you well with your efforts to heal...

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Right now is a very stressful time. Everyone seems to have something for me to do to get better. Handling one thing at a time is hard enough. My last meeting with the T she asked what I like to do before...all that I could think of was fishing. So she wants me to go fishing before the next DBT meeting on Monday. Not sure if she has ever gone fishing and knows how much stuff you have to get in line before going. There's the license, the bait, finding the tackle box and making sure you have what you need in there, making sure the rod works, packing a cooler of drinks, sunscreen, bug spray, gun, etc.

Then the lady getting assaulted last night and I feel like I could have done more for her. Didn't sleep well because it triggered flashbacks of Dad beating mom and threatening to kill us both in our sleep.(another possible sleep issue)


I'm not even sure this new T even knows me even though she has the notes from my other T. She's never asked any questions about anything in the past. It's kind of like we will work with the surface issues and not get into the deeper issues. For me it's like a constant slide show going on in my head of past traumas experienced and witnessed. Dad's suicide just seem to start this process, or the early EMDR that I was not ready for. I'm not a whiner or complainer and it's hard for me to ask someone to listen to me and hear my concerns. Maybe I should write a letter to the T, seems to be easier to discuss by writing it instead of "talking it out" When I start talking it out I dissociate and totally forget what we were talking about and that's embarrassing.


This DBT stuff is so overwhelming and it's hard to understand where this fits in with what I'm going through. My VA T says if I don't do DBT classes I need to start with ANOTHER T that has more frequent openings. The good thing is that the VA is hiring more T's for the veterans. Don't know that I have it in me to start over with another T. There was the EAP T, two private T's with the last one being the best so far, and the VA T, because I lost my insurance and job. Oh yeah and several online T's, now that was an interesting experience. I really think CPTSD is not an online therapy issue.


Okay enough rambling.

Maybe therapy is not for you right now. Do you believe that you were subjected to narcissistic abuse?

Also do you think you could benefit from a 12 step program like al-Anon or ACA?

Let's look at some other options for you.

I totally get it about the fishing. I love to hike and it's the same thing: backpack, food, water, map, first aid kit, boots, hat, bus schedule.

It's going to be ok. We'll help you through this.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Wild Coyote]

It sounds like the DBT therapist assumed you were already outfitted for fishing, with all/most of the supplies you feel you need? Simply tell her/him you aren't currently equipped to fish.

I have seen many ppl fish with a makeshift pole or a very, very inexpensive pole, fishing line, a sinker, a hook and a worm. It depends upon the nature of the body of water and the terrain, as to whether or not one needs to be able to cast the line or not, etc.

If you don't have what you need and cannot secure what you need, just let the DBT therapist know this and choose an alternative activity. The idea is to do something you enjoy before the DBT meeting.

If it's all too much, too overwhelming, please inform your therapist(s) of this. It's important they know. they may change your treatment plan.


WC

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It sounds like the DBT therapist assumed you were already outfitted for fishing, with all/most of the supplies you feel you need? Simply tell her/him you aren't currently equipped to fish.

I have seen many ppl fish with a makeshift pole or a very, very inexpensive pole, fishing line, a sinker, a hook and a worm. It depends upon the nature of the body of water and the terrain, as to whether or not one needs to be able to cast the line or not, etc.

If you don't have what you need and cannot secure what you need, just let the DBT therapist know this and choose an alternative activity. The idea is to do something you enjoy before the DBT meeting.

If it's all too much, too overwhelming, please inform your therapist(s) of this. It's important they know. they may change your treatment plan.


WC

I have the pole, line and sinkers. Not sure if my license is current. But it's the getting is all together. I'm not an impulsive person, if I do such an activity I like to plan it out , make sure I'm prepared. I tend to way over pack for trips to. I like archery also, so I may pull out the bow and target and do some practice. That may be all I can get done for the class. Thanks for responding back.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by leomama

Maybe therapy is not for you right now. Do you believe that you were subjected to narcissistic abuse?

Also do you think you could benefit from a 12 step program like al-Anon or ACA?

Let's look at some other options for you.

I totally get it about the fishing. I love to hike and it's the same thing: backpack, food, water, map, first aid kit, boots, hat, bus schedule.

It's going to be ok. We'll help you through this.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

<<Do you believe that you were subjected to narcissistic abuse? >>
I don't think so.

<<Maybe therapy is not for you right now >> What does that mean?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Trace14

<<Do you believe that you were subjected to narcissistic abuse? >>
I don't think so.

<<Maybe therapy is not for you right now >> What does that mean?

Trace 14 it sounds like right now therapy is really triggering for you so I'm suggesting maybe try it again later?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by leomama

Trace 14 it sounds like right now therapy is really triggering for you so I'm suggesting maybe try it again later?

I thought therapy was suppose to help you work through triggers, with skills and tools. I don't think leaving therapy would be a good idea at all. That showing up for therapy and DBT classes is big for me. Leaving the house makes me very anxious and on guard.
Too bad they can't use hypnosis to wipe out prior memories. Or use it for PTSD.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I thought therapy was suppose to help you work through triggers, with skills and tools. I don't think leaving therapy would be a good idea at all. That showing up for therapy and DBT classes is big for me. Leaving the house makes me very anxious and on guard.

Too bad they can't use hypnosis to wipe out prior memories. Or use it for PTSD.

Ok I support you whatever you choose !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Wild Coyote]

Archery sounds like a great idea!

I am a member of our county's fish and game club and I love it!

We have miles of walking trails, areas for fishing ( and fishing derbies), areas for canoes/kayaks and a range for target practice. The annual fee is less than $1.00 per week. I have been pushing myself to go once a week. Last week, it was easy to go twice. I will go twice again this week.

I hope you have fun -- in some way which means a lot to you!


WC

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Archery sounds like a great idea!

I am a member of our county's fish and game club and I love it!

We have miles of walking trails, areas for fishing ( and fishing derbies), areas for canoes/kayaks and a range for target practice. The annual fee is less than $1.00 per week. I have been pushing myself to go once a week. Last week, it was easy to go twice. I will go twice again this week.

I hope you have fun -- in some way which means a lot to you!


WC

That sounds like a great option. Sounds like an awesome place. I wish there was a local PTSD survival camp. That would be interesting.

[Wild Coyote]

I have a friend with severe CPTSD and as a part of her therapy she is living in a cabin out in the countryside, without indoor water and electricity. She is growing food, is chopping wood, is carrying water. She was there all last winter. I think she will be there a total of 18 months.

It's quiet and beautiful. Her three dogs are with her. People in a nearby small town stop in and check on her. She has a vehicle and can go into the nearby town quickly.

We talk when she is in town at the local public wifi service.

It is nice to be out in the woods/countryside. I enjoy the local fish and game club facilities. It's in the foothills near larger mountains. Just beautiful!

I hope you can get out in nature, if you enjoy doing so!


WC

[leomama]

I live in the suburbs with a teenager and I've had PTSD for at least 10 years. You do what you have to. I would love to live off the grid but I can't so I stay and endure. I have nightmares, flashbacks , am tired, have well meaning people trying to help without my asking them , and I put up with it all. Much of my trauma comes from my teenage years and now I am responsible for a teen myself . I will start my own thread soon. Good luck!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I have a friend with severe CPTSD and as a part of her therapy she is living in a cabin out in the countryside, without indoor water and electricity. She is growing food, is chopping wood, is carrying water. She was there all last winter. I think she will be there a total of 18 months.

It's quiet and beautiful. Her three dogs are with her. People in a nearby small town stop in and check on her. She has a vehicle and can go into the nearby town quickly.

We talk when she is in town at the local public wifi service.

It is nice to be out in the woods/countryside. I enjoy the local fish and game club facilities. It's in the foothills near larger mountains. Just beautiful!

I hope you can get out in nature, if you enjoy doing so!


WC

Wow. I would like to live in the countryside but not sure I could live off the grid. With my back issues that would be hard. But I would love to find a place out away from everyone.
I love nature and it's really the only time I feel at peace is away from people and in a quiet setting. I guess that's why I'm so home bound, it's safe. My T asked if I was lonely and I said no. She seemed frustrated with that but with Social Media to can talk to someone at about anytime.
Enjoy your gift of a place to go fish and shoot.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Wow. I would like to live in the countryside but not sure I could live off the grid. With my back issues that would be hard. But I would love to find a place out away from everyone.
I love nature and it's really the only time I feel at peace is away from people and in a quiet setting. I guess that's why I'm so home bound, it's safe. My T asked if I was lonely and I said no. She seemed frustrated with that but with Social Media to can talk to someone at about anytime.
Enjoy your gift of a place to go fish and shoot.

Yes, it is a gift. One for which I am very thankful. I don't go to busy crowded places (malls, large stores, etc.) as easily as I used to go. This is one place I can go and can feel at peace.

My friend is feeling stronger in many ways. Her off-grid lifestyle is very beautiful, yet also a lot of work by herself. She is often tired of the constant work now, esp no running water. I know she feels more confident in her abilities. She has to leave on a certain date, as the rental contract is not up for renewal to her. While it's been good for her in some ways, she is concerned she cannot adjust well/easily to the suburbs again. Off-grid has some major pros and cons.

Personally, I think I'd be experiencing some major anxiety about some parts of being solo in the wilderness. One never knows who is going to show up. I'd have to do it differently than she does it in order to feel safe enough to sleep. I cannot sleep now as it is.

I hope you find a fun activity you enjoy!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Yes, it is a gift. One for which I am very thankful. I don't go to busy crowded places (malls, large stores, etc.) as easily as I used to go. This is one place I can go and can feel at peace.

My friend is feeling stronger in many ways. Her off-grid lifestyle is very beautiful, yet also a lot of work by herself. She is often tired of the constant work now, esp no running water. I know she feels more confident in her abilities. She has to leave on a certain date, as the rental contract is not up for renewal to her. While it's been good for her in some ways, she is concerned she cannot adjust well/easily to the suburbs again. Off-grid has some major pros and cons.

Personally, I think I'd be experiencing some major anxiety about some parts of being solo in the wilderness. One never knows who is going to show up. I'd have to do it differently than she does it in order to feel safe enough to sleep. I cannot sleep now as it is.

I hope you find a fun activity you enjoy!

I don't go to those crowed places either. When I shop it's usually late right before a store closes, less people.
Your friend must be a pretty tough woman. Maybe she can find something out from others to rent or buy. Maybe you could help her look and let her know if you find something she may like. It's time consuming finding the right house.
I have sleep issues also, always thought it was because Dad threatened to kill mom and I in our sleep. Then in the Air Force a guy broke into my room while I was sleeping and he laid on the floor beside my bed. He reached up and touched me and I sat up in the bed. Then I saw a shadow beside my bed and reached down and touched his skin, he didn't have a shirt on When I touched him he sat up and I smelled alcohol. I asked if I knew him and several other questions and he kept saying I don't know. When I reached on the side table for my flashlight he bolted out the door and I didn't get a good look at his face. I think it was a Fireman in my dorm but not 100% sure. So needless to say that caused sleep problems and I can not sleep in a completely dark room.
Also have sleep apnea. So I sleep about a hour at a time. I so envy people that can sleep through the night and dream.

[Open Eyes]

One of the symptoms of PTSD is wanting to avoid and isolate and detach.

When a major trauma takes place one of the major challenges is "loss of control" and then feeling "guilt" about not doing enough to prevent. That can be like a survivor's guilt.

You have some big issues about what happened with your father. You were threatened by him, but you also gradually found your way to also having a relationship with him. Then when he chose to take his own life the way he did, that has left you with a lot of confusion, survivors guilt and an abscence.

You have been a survivor, a strong person "in spite of" but you had a trauma that was so significant that there has been a huge loss of "sense of self". What caught my attention is how you titled this thread, and you are right most people "don't understand".

The way you describe having things replay in your mind, that is not unusual with PTSD. I have struggled with that myself. It can be very hard for the brain to figure out "where/how" to store a tragic event. A big part of healing Tracy, is learning how to live your life again one day at a time in spite of it. It's not easy. The reason your therapist wanted you to go fishing is because it was something you enjoyed, and it's also something you can do that has a "control" to it. You have to slowly heal and find yourself again and learn to be patient with yourself as you do so. And you are right, a lot of other people don't understand it. You know, most people don't understand things unless they experience it first hand because that is how human beings learn and relate.

My husband goes to AA meetings a lot, he gets a lot out of it because he is around others that know the challenge and also know the struggle of living their lives one day at a time without using alcohol as a crutch. One of the things he has learned also is that some of these people also suffer from PTSD.

Tracy, you are not perfect, you are not always in control, life can be a big challenge and the truth is, we are ALL just human beings and no one is ever truely "perfect".

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

One of the symptoms of PTSD is wanting to avoid and isolate and detach.

When a major trauma takes place one of the major challenges is "loss of control" and then feeling "guilt" about not doing enough to prevent. That can be like a survivor's guilt.

You have some big issues about what happened with your father. You were threatened by him, but you also gradually found your way to also having a relationship with him. Then when he chose to take his own life the way he did, that has left you with a lot of confusion, survivors guilt and an abscence.

You have been a survivor, a strong person "in spite of" but you had a trauma that was so significant that there has been a huge loss of "sense of self". What caught my attention is how you titled this thread, and you are right most people "don't understand".

The way you describe having things replay in your mind, that is not unusual with PTSD. I have struggled with that myself. It can be very hard for the brain to figure out "where/how" to store a tragic event. A big part of healing Tracy, is learning how to live your life again one day at a time in spite of it. It's not easy. The reason your therapist wanted you to go fishing is because it was something you enjoyed, and it's also something you can do that has a "control" to it. You have to slowly heal and find yourself again and learn to be patient with yourself as you do so. And you are right, a lot of other people don't understand it. You know, most people don't understand things unless they experience it first hand because that is how human beings learn and relate.

My husband goes to AA meetings a lot, he gets a lot out of it because he is around others that know the challenge and also know the struggle of living their lives one day at a time without using alcohol as a crutch. One of the things he has learned also is that some of these people also suffer from PTSD.

Tracy, you are not perfect, you are not always in control, life can be a big challenge and the truth is, we are ALL just human beings and no one is ever truely "perfect".

The T asked me if I was an over thinker......I said yes because I like to think things through...but now I'm wondering if that is over thinking. With my career choices a lot of thinking was involved, split second, life or death decisions. So you have to think fast and through situations.
I don't drink now, I used to a lot started at 10 years old. Dad was alcoholic and I knew I could end up there also. He was a responsible alcoholic though. Had his own business and it did very well, he was a hard worker.
I'm glad I didn't know that I was dealing with CPTSD earlier in life. I'm glad I survived through those days, there were some moments of doubt though. How long have you known you had CPTSD?

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I don't go to those crowed places either. When I shop it's usually late right before a store closes, less people.
Your friend must be a pretty tough woman. Maybe she can find something out from others to rent or buy. Maybe you could help her look and let her know if you find something she may like. It's time consuming finding the right house.
I have sleep issues also, always thought it was because Dad threatened to kill mom and I in our sleep. Then in the Air Force a guy broke into my room while I was sleeping and he laid on the floor beside my bed. He reached up and touched me and I sat up in the bed. Then I saw a shadow beside my bed and reached down and touched his skin, he didn't have a shirt on When I touched him he sat up and I smelled alcohol. I asked if I knew him and several other questions and he kept saying I don't know. When I reached on the side table for my flashlight he bolted out the door and I didn't get a good look at his face. I think it was a Fireman in my dorm but not 100% sure. So needless to say that caused sleep problems and I can not sleep in a completely dark room.
Also have sleep apnea. So I sleep about a hour at a time. I so envy people that can sleep through the night and dream.

The sensory overload is too overwhelming in large crowds.

Did we have the same dad? They were very similar, it seems.

It was a catch-22. Loved him dearly! He was sometimes very dangerous and I never knew which he'd be in any given moment. Even until the end -- on the phone, trying to stop him from taking his own life. Feeling terrified, terrorized -- and also secretly feeling some relief it was over, the turmoil was over. I was 12 y.o. and had terrible survivors guilt for many years.
Certainly felt guilty for feeling some sense of relief within such a horrible tragedy. Sad.

(((((( TRACE ))))))

Inner Peace, Comfort, Joy


WC

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

The sensory overload is too overwhelming in large crowds.

Did we have the same dad? They were very similar, it seems.

It was a catch-22. Loved him dearly! He was sometimes very dangerous and I never knew which he'd be in any given moment. Even until the end -- on the phone, trying to stop him from taking his own life. Feeling terrified, terrorized -- and also secretly feeling some relief it was over, the turmoil was over. I was 12 y.o. and had terrible survivors guilt for many years.
Certainly felt guilty for feeling some sense of relief within such a horrible tragedy. Sad.

(((((( TRACE ))))))

Inner Peace, Comfort, Joy


WC

It does seem a little creepy that we have so much in common. Don't you think?
We will get through it no doubt, just dreading the journey there.

[Trace14]

Another thing people don't understand is our poor sleep. I fight sleep, even after taking something to help me sleep. Just don't want to close my eyes or be in the dark. Plus having sleep apnea doesn't help.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Another thing people don't understand is our poor sleep. I fight sleep, even after taking something to help me sleep. Just don't want to close my eyes or be in the dark. Plus having sleep apnea doesn't help.

Hi Trace,
I struggle with this, too.
It's even worse if I am traveling an in a public place, like a hotel.
While I love the dark, I am often on high alert and cannot sleep.
I have finally found a helpful med for myself: temazepam.
I am used to clonazepam. Temazepam has more of a hypnotic nature. We are using it to try to retrain me to sleep. It helps me the most of anything I have tried thus far.

I also have sleep apnea now. I have seen a sleep neurologist at a sleep center. We cannot do "sleep studies" until I can "sleep."

Prazosin is sometimes used if/when people are having nightmares which interrupt their sleep. I do not have nightmares and, thus, have not tried prazosin.


WC

[Gus1234U]

(agreeing with the Skeez). i often write things out, because, like you, i tend to get lost in the moment. it's GOOD to take charge of your therapy; it's like taking charge of your life. it's too easy to get caught up in other peoples' agendas for you...

personally, i can tell you that when i changed the way i thought and felt about past events, the emotional charge was depleted. i wish you the very best of recoveries~!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi Trace,
I struggle with this, too.
It's even worse if I am traveling an in a public place, like a hotel.
While I love the dark, I am often on high alert and cannot sleep.
I have finally found a helpful med for myself: temazepam.
I am used to clonazepam. Temazepam has more of a hypnotic nature. We are using it to try to retrain me to sleep. It helps me the most of anything I have tried thus far.

I also have sleep apnea now. I have seen a sleep neurologist at a sleep center. We cannot do "sleep studies" until I can "sleep."

Prazosin is sometimes used if/when people are having nightmares which interrupt their sleep. I do not have nightmares and, thus, have not tried prazosin.


WC

I have Temazepam, it helped me get to sleep but not stay asleep. The doctor gave me Trazadone it knocks my anxiety down, but then when I wake and get up I'm so loopy that I run into things. Not sure what it's going to take to keep me asleep. My first sleep study I didn't go into REM sleep at all, then my next I did go into REM sleep, stopped breathing 32 times, so he put me on the cpap then. Not very attractive thing in the bedroom A definite mood killer when you partner looks and sounds like Darth Vader
I need to try the Melatonin pills again, the 5mg, ones that dissolve under the tongue. The best I can remember they helped. I hate taking meds.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

(agreeing with the Skeez). i often write things out, because, like you, i tend to get lost in the moment. it's GOOD to take charge of your therapy; it's like taking charge of your life. it's too easy to get caught up in other peoples' agendas for you...

personally, i can tell you that when i changed the way i thought and felt about past events, the emotional charge was depleted. i wish you the very best of recoveries~!

Maybe if I start journaling again and then just copy and paste what I want to share with her. That might work. Just don't want to overwhelm the lady. My first T I dropped a lot of info on her just wanting to update her and let her know what I was going through and she was over whelmed, soon after she said I wasn't ready for therapy.