[Parva]

I'm not sure how to phrase this....so I'll do it using my experience. This is an extension of the T on vacation thread.

I'm unable to accept (or to use thera-speak, 'internalize') positive sentiments, thoughts, statements, events about myself. They don't mean a thing to me. Some of it I rationalize away as the other person being naïve in some capacity, some is just 'water off a duck's back', but it's all about as impactful as getting slapped with a wet noodle. The problem is that I can't go back to these things for support; there's no well of feeling valued to carry me through difficult times. There are a lot of off-shoots to this, e.g., it's hard to accept that my T cares about me outside of the sacred 50 min windows of time.

Does this resonate with any of you? Has it gotten better over time?

[PumpkinPieHead]

This resonates with me.

I read somewhere that when you receive a lot of negatvie attention/abuse as a kid, you don't know how to receive positive attention. It is unfamiliar, therefore suspicious.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Parva

I'm not sure how to phrase this....so I'll do it using my experience. This is an extension of the T on vacation thread.

I'm unable to accept (or to use thera-speak, 'internalize') positive sentiments, thoughts, statements, events about myself. They don't mean a thing to me. Some of it I rationalize away as the other person being naïve in some capacity, some is just 'water off a duck's back', but it's all about as impactful as getting slapped with a wet noodle. The problem is that I can't go back to these things for support; there's no well of feeling valued to carry me through difficult times. There are a lot of off-shoots to this, e.g., it's hard to accept that my T cares about me outside of the sacred 50 min windows of time.

Does this resonate with any of you? Has it gotten better over time?

What stuck out to me is be thankful you have a T that cares that much. Most have such rigid boundaries that you feel like you shouldn't even be there, that it's an inconvenience to them to have to see you. I would talk to the T if it bothers you that much. Maybe they can back off a little, I expect it is a hard balance to strike

[shezbut]

A huge "yes" goes out to you on that initial Q, and so far a "no" on the latter.

I have struggled with this ever since I can remember. Even as a little girl, I didn't believe people! I *try* really hard...but, I just cannot prevent their positive words to be instantly knocked down by my Inner Self (or whatever it is!).

[ProudlyPersevering]

It does resonate! I am not sure I will ever get better... Sorry you are struggling!

It does resonate. People at work tell me what a good job I do and don't believe them. I think that they don't know the real incompetent me. Like I'm an imposter.

I often think they are actually making fun of me when they compliment me. Or I feel I will be attacked if I receive a compliment so I need to downplay myself to avoid the attack.

[AlittleUnsteady]

I have a really hard time believing people when they give me compliments that I usually dismiss them. I tell myself they are just trying to be nice. I think the problem is that I believe so strongly that I'm worthless, that everyone hates me, that I'm disgusting, and that there is nothing good about me, that I think anything other than negative comments are just lies. I do, however, easily believe the negative things. I consider that proof to my beliefs.

I am, however, able to hear some of the positive comments more than before. That's some kind of progress, I guess. It just feels extremely uncomfortable, like I want to crawl out of my skin. Hearing compliments more is not an all the time thing though. It depends on my mood.

[ADeepSandbox]

Yes, so much yes. I don't feel anything except mildly embarrassed at all the attention. I can't feel good things much. I'm not sure if it's because I don't believe them or if I am just broken somehow.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ADeepSandbox

Yes, so much yes. I don't feel anything except mildly embarrassed at all the attention. I can't feel good things much. I'm not sure if it's because I don't believe them or if I am just broken somehow.

Broken crayons still color

Yes, I find this difficult too ...

Yet, I've often said that I wish I could see myself the way other people see me, because I'm pretty sure that how they see (and feel) about me is probably much more accurate than the way I see (and feel) about myself ... I just wish it was easier for me to be open and receptive to that.

[Unrigged64072835]

I do. Everything seems to go through through a gray, self-hating filter. Right now I've been so isolated from people that I don't know what to do anymore.

[Hidden1111]

It resonates with me. I find platatudes to be offensive. I had "sayings" reinforced as I grew up and some of these turned into harmful "core beliefs" and even those words are hard for me to identify with. When I first began to be around other people with my diagnosis I learned there were things I could do if I was getting lost in the past. I needed to focus on the now, for example. But I innately find the flaws in what are meant to be helpful tools for me. If I get back in the now, just as often as not I have returned to a time that is painful and triggering. That's how I ended up in the flashback. I want to say that I do see the irony of it all. My mind is a mine field and there are times I am ambling about blind to the hazards and other times I am at high alert, perceiving threats to our peace at every turn. Hahaha, I guess you could say I am not the most stable of them all!
However therapy specifically for this is still new to me. Yet my T has shown humanity, respect, and consideration outside of those 50 minutes.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by Hidden1111

It resonates with me. I find platatudes to be offensive. I had "sayings" reinforced as I grew up and some of these turned into harmful "core beliefs" and even those words are hard for me to identify with. When I first began to be around other people with my diagnosis I learned there were things I could do if I was getting lost in the past. I needed to focus on the now, for example. But I innately find the flaws in what are meant to be helpful tools for me. If I get back in the now, just as often as not I have returned to a time that is painful and triggering. That's how I ended up in the flashback. I want to say that I do see the irony of it all. My mind is a mine field and there are times I am ambling about blind to the hazards and other times I am at high alert, perceiving threats to our peace at every turn. Hahaha, I guess you could say I am not the most stable of them all!
However therapy specifically for this is still new to me. Yet my T has shown humanity, respect, and consideration outside of those 50 minutes.

Well said! The metaphor of a mine field is one that I've used in therapy. I tend to lay 'traps' for my T, I suppose to test the strength of her care? We started calling it a mine field; but it's a mine field that I'm also caught in. The trap is that anything she says, I can use against her to prove whatever f-ed up thing I'm trying to prove. Usually that she doesn't care about me.

The 'high alert' is troubling, I think, for all of us. Hyper-vigilance in T-speak...I don't know if you all are different, but I question every.single.word. that's said to me. This little inner critic twists it all around and forces me to see the danger in all of it.

Here are a couple of fun exchanges:

T: "Yes, I truly care about you."
Me: "No you don't. You have to say that because I pay you to say it."
T: "I'm allowed to have feelings."
Me: "You're allowed to lie about your feelings."

T: "How are you today?"
Me: "I'm fine, thanks."
T: "I'm really glad to hear that."
Inner critic: "She thinks you're ok, so she's going to leave you now because her job is done."

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Parva

The 'high alert' is troubling, I think, for all of us. Hyper-vigilance in T-speak...I don't know if you all are different, but I question every.single.word. that's said to me. This little inner critic twists it all around and forces me to see the danger in all of it...

I REALLY struggle with this area as well.

It doesn't matter who says whatever to me, I will not stop pushing away any sort of positive remark or look made towards me. No matter who is involved. I absolutely hate this side of myself, it's just SO dang negative!! But, I have seriously done this ever since I was a little girl (40+ years). How in the world can I change this deeply ingrained habit now?!

Makes me feel hopeless.

[Yours_Truly]

Yes, same here. I quickly dismiss it and become very uncomfortable.

[Hidden1111]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this too. It seems several of us struggle with internalizing positive reinforcement and praise and such. I have a tendency to say, "Thank you for saying that." It is as if I am saying that they are just saying a pleasantry and the old thing of "if you really knew me". But when I look at my behaviors in life I'm kind most the time. I was taught to "inventory" myself when I went to 12 step open mtgs with an ex for like six years. I have to admit that the habit I picked up of looking at myself honestly allows me to see that I'm not a bad person. Those were lies I was told, or sometimes the best I can do is maybe I was bad then but I'm not now.
Again, I really hope you feel relief and can maybe take a nice thing someone tells you about yourself and wonder, Could it be true? I bet it was.
Best wishes for you, Hidden1111

[Hidden1111]

Originally Posted by Parva

Well said! The metaphor of a mine field is one that I've used in therapy. I tend to lay 'traps' for my T, I suppose to test the strength of her care? We started calling it a mine field; but it's a mine field that I'm also caught in. The trap is that anything she says, I can use against her to prove whatever f-ed up thing I'm trying to prove. Usually that she doesn't care about me.

The 'high alert' is troubling, I think, for all of us. Hyper-vigilance in T-speak...I don't know if you all are different, but I question every.single.word. that's said to me. This little inner critic twists it all around and forces me to see the danger in all of it.

Here are a couple of fun exchanges:

T: "Yes, I truly care about you."
Me: "No you don't. You have to say that because I pay you to say it."
T: "I'm allowed to have feelings."
Me: "You're allowed to lie about your feelings."

T: "How are you today?"
Me: "I'm fine, thanks."
T: "I'm really glad to hear that."
Inner critic: "She thinks you're ok, so she's going to leave you now because her job is done."

Oh boy, do I relate to what you are saying about the difficulties with a T relationship. My T has done some things that no other professional has ever done and makes me wonder, hmm, maybe she cares. But we really pushed her one day because she isn't the type to say a bunch of stuff to just be nice. We had shared something and as far as we were concerned she didn't SAY anything caring and we were angry. We planned to leave and not be in T anymore. I really gave her a bad time and flat told her she had to say something caring. She didn't know what would pass my test and looked nervous and then did say something caring. What was funny was we said, Thank you, now lets move on. hahaha. I don't think I could be my T. I told her this week she didn't have a fun job.