[shezbut]

My current bf and I got into a conversation several days ago, which has had me thinking ever since. As we talked, I admitted to him that I don't **feel** love towards anyone. I love my daughters, but, that's honestly about it. I don't think that I ever loved my ex-hub, ex-bf's, etc.

He then asked if I ever thought that I am able to fall in love with someone. (blank stare) Uhhhh _____ I don't know. How can I know the answer to a question like that if I haven't ever felt "love" before?

I don't feel love towards my any of my family members, friends (well, I don't have any IRL). I think that this topic came up once before, shortly after my ex-bf and I first got together....but it's been like, 7 years or so since last time spent thinking. My family tries to get together every now and then and act like we're all happy and normal, and it disgusts me. Really! They trigger me. I can barely stand being with them at all, much less put on some stupid show pretending to feel (whatever). That is NOT me! That triggering is exactly why I've had to pull myself away from seeing and talking with them to begin with, several years ago, because they drive me crazy. I probably sound like a complete POS for talking the way that I am towards my family, but, I have my reasons. I am an adult now, and I should not have to keep playing their show when I never liked it to begin with. Right?

But, no one else seems to understand. (Other than my T ~ but he's not hanging around either) My bf, and other people don't understand where I'm coming from at all. They seem to think that I'm blowing things out of proportion "We all have nutty families" and I feel as though they are rolling their eyes at me.

Am I crazy? Am I mean and sick for not showing the love? WTH is wrong with me? I don't get it!!

[mc2ed]

A lot of what you have expressed...I have felt...I try to look at my emotions as just that....they are emotions...they just ARE...they are what you feel...our brains are wired to have feelings.....it isn't right or wrong...it is what you feel....you are recognizing them as feelings....you aren't going to go do harm to anyone.....so...isn't it okay to acknowledge what you feel?....you say that there are reasons for why you feel this way....so again....why would it be bad to feel them.....if someone pinches you every time you get near them....why would you want to get near them.....and even more....they aren't going to inspire feelings of....yippee...

I have a brain injury....with memory loss......I didn't have an emotional connection to my family.....and then when I was round them....Whoa....they did not feel good....they didn't act in a way that I wanted to hang with them either....so I didn't....and that pissed them off.....it is just a round and round circling.....I think that means you can get off the merry go round ride..........One of my quests was to know what LOVE felt like....I didn't understand it.........greatly because people were telling me they loved me....and they made me feel really bad.....so that isn't love.....you aren't required to feel Love.....you say you feel it for your daughters so you have an experience of it....and that is good....it is a measure to hold that love....there may be nothing wrong with you at all....it is your underlying awareness...recognizing love isn't there.....I can try and express that universal love to all beings....as we are human kind....and we all need....yet that doesn't mean I am going to invite everyone into my home and hang out with them either.....Some times it is comforting just to own our own feelings....and it is okay to do just that.....
This is only my opinion.....yet maybe you could mine through it...and find something that could give you a bit of a deep breath....

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by shezbut

My current bf and I got into a conversation several days ago, which has had me thinking ever since. As we talked, I admitted to him that I don't **feel** love towards anyone. I love my daughters, but, that's honestly about it. I don't think that I ever loved my ex-hub, ex-bf's, etc.

He then asked if I ever thought that I am able to fall in love with someone. (blank stare) Uhhhh _____ I don't know. How can I know the answer to a question like that if I haven't ever felt "love" before?

I don't feel love towards my any of my family members, friends (well, I don't have any IRL). I think that this topic came up once before, shortly after my ex-bf and I first got together....but it's been like, 7 years or so since last time spent thinking. My family tries to get together every now and then and act like we're all happy and normal, and it disgusts me. Really! They trigger me. I can barely stand being with them at all, much less put on some stupid show pretending to feel (whatever). That is NOT me! That triggering is exactly why I've had to pull myself away from seeing and talking with them to begin with, several years ago, because they drive me crazy. I probably sound like a complete POS for talking the way that I am towards my family, but, I have my reasons. I am an adult now, and I should not have to keep playing their show when I never liked it to begin with. Right?

But, no one else seems to understand. (Other than my T ~ but he's not hanging around either) My bf, and other people don't understand where I'm coming from at all. They seem to think that I'm blowing things out of proportion "We all have nutty families" and I feel as though they are rolling their eyes at me.

Am I crazy? Am I mean and sick for not showing the love? WTH is wrong with me? I don't get it!!

You're not crazy at all and there's nothing wrong with you. You have CPTSD and have a hard time trusting and getting close to people. I think it's wonderful that you can admit the lack of is there. But love can be many things. Falling in love is different from plain love IMOP. Loving a friend is different than loving a child or animal. Loving a tv show and music is a different kind of love, you see where I'm going with this. You could love all these people but it may not be the kind, or type of love they are expecting. But if that's all you can give.....that's all they get. Work with your T on this and see if he can come up with a plan to help you sort this out.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think you're cruel or sick...
My family of origin was .... sub optimal
I will leave it at that...

[Out There]

Not at all cruel or sick. We weren't loved so don't really know how to love - but we do love in our own ways. Oh , dear families of origin. But we are adults now and don't have to play anymore if we don't want to - and often other people have issues they won't look at and project and transfer unto us , like " Try looking at yourself ?!! ".

[Unrigged64072835]

I stayed away from my family of origin for a long time because i didn't want to be in the family drama anymore, nor did I want to expose my daughter to it. At least my FOO knew it was dysfunctional. I feel love for my daughter and husband, at least I believe I do. As much as I know what love is, I do. I can't say it's perfect, but nothing really is.

[Luce]

Your feelings are not cruel or sick in the slightest. They are the normal response of human beings who have experienced trauma involving critical caregivers during a critical developmental phase. What you are feeling is all part of how normal human beings feel as a result of those particular circumstances.
You feel them. I feel them. Others here feel them. Probably hundreds of thousands of people throughout the world feel those same kinds of feelings too.

When I was a kid I used to lie in bed at night when my parents were out and wish like crazy that I wouldn't hear their car coming home because they had been in a fatal car accident. It never happened.
On the surface of it that is a pretty awful thing for any daughter to wish or feel.
But in the context of what was happening it was a fairly normal response of a vulnerable human being who doesn't really have any other way of ensuring self-survival.

You're all good, man.

[xenos]

Thanks for posting such honest words.

I actually related a lot to what you have described, I don't feel love either towards others, let alone my family of origin. It makes me so angry and bitter sometimes knowing that others have this capability while I don't. I wasn't been able to form a successful intimate relationship with the opposite sex, despite the fact I wish I can fall genuinely in love with someone. It's a paradox for me actually, I wish for something I'm incapable of.

And you're right, answering such question is very perplexing and sometimes embarrassing. Sometimes when I hear people fall in love instantly, I get amazed How they trust and surrender to their feelings.

I think the first relationship that we have to be successful at is the relationship with ourselves, How can we offer genuine true affectionate feelings towards others, while we are incapable of forming intimate, compassionate relationship with ourselves!! it's like we betray ourselves if we fake we are in love with someone, and at the same time we hate ourselves. I think that the extent that we have trustworthy, compassionate relationship with our selves, will dictate our relationship with others.

Another aspect I found genuinely touching, is that when people commiserate us and share our pain and be more understanding, intimate feelings will automatically arise, and we truly admire and "love" that person, at least that what I'm experiencing. I have a couple of friends, but I always felt my relationship with those who I spent years, never materialized into a real friendship. Surprisingly, Authors from self help books, and despite I have never met anyone of them, I found myself forming real genuine admiration and appreciation for them, I feel sometime they are closer than my family and everyone else.

We have unmet needs, and those who offer us support and understanding, we can't help it but fall in love with them.

Happy new year.

Originally Posted by shezbut

My current bf and I got into a conversation several days ago, which has had me thinking ever since. As we talked, I admitted to him that I don't **feel** love towards anyone. I love my daughters, but, that's honestly about it. I don't think that I ever loved my ex-hub, ex-bf's, etc.

He then asked if I ever thought that I am able to fall in love with someone. (blank stare) Uhhhh _____ I don't know. How can I know the answer to a question like that if I haven't ever felt "love" before?

I don't feel love towards my any of my family members, friends (well, I don't have any IRL). I think that this topic came up once before, shortly after my ex-bf and I first got together....but it's been like, 7 years or so since last time spent thinking. My family tries to get together every now and then and act like we're all happy and normal, and it disgusts me. Really! They trigger me. I can barely stand being with them at all, much less put on some stupid show pretending to feel (whatever). That is NOT me! That triggering is exactly why I've had to pull myself away from seeing and talking with them to begin with, several years ago, because they drive me crazy. I probably sound like a complete POS for talking the way that I am towards my family, but, I have my reasons. I am an adult now, and I should not have to keep playing their show when I never liked it to begin with. Right?

But, no one else seems to understand. (Other than my T ~ but he's not hanging around either) My bf, and other people don't understand where I'm coming from at all. They seem to think that I'm blowing things out of proportion "We all have nutty families" and I feel as though they are rolling their eyes at me.

Am I crazy? Am I mean and sick for not showing the love? WTH is wrong with me? I don't get it!!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by xenos

Thanks for posting such honest words.

I actually related a lot to what you have described, I don't feel love either towards others, let alone my family of origin. It makes me so angry and bitter sometimes knowing that others have this capability while I don't. I wasn't been able to form a successful intimate relationship with the opposite sex, despite the fact I wish I can fall genuinely in love with someone. It's a paradox for me actually, I wish for something I'm incapable of.

And you're right, answering such question is very perplexing and sometimes embarrassing. Sometimes when I hear people fall in love instantly, I get amazed How they trust and surrender to their feelings.

I think the first relationship that we have to be successful at is the relationship with ourselves, How can we offer genuine true affectionate feelings towards others, while we are incapable of forming intimate, compassionate relationship with ourselves!! it's like we betray ourselves if we fake we are in love with someone, and at the same time we hate ourselves. I think that the extent that we have trustworthy, compassionate relationship with our selves, will dictate our relationship with others.

Another aspect I found genuinely touching, is that when people commiserate us and share our pain and be more understanding, intimate feelings will automatically arise, and we truly admire and "love" that person, at least that what I'm experiencing. I have a couple of friends, but I always felt my relationship with those who I spent years, never materialized into a real friendship. Surprisingly, Authors from self help books, and despite I have never met anyone of them, I found myself forming real genuine admiration and appreciation for them, I feel sometime they are closer than my family and everyone else.

We have unmet needs, and those who offer us support and understanding, we can't help it but fall in love with them.

Happy new year.

Great post. I think the only benefit we have with this, if there really is one, is that we know why. We know why we feel that way and our relationships suffer for that, not that we can really do anything about that. Now we can make things a little better and work on it but our core hurt will always be there and will surface at some point and time. Before I was diagnosed , within the past few years, I was really confused about why I felt that way and why was it so much easier for others to want that loving relationship and find it. Years of questioning that have now been answered and I am thankful for that.
Have a wonderful New Year. Glad to see someone else posting here in the forum.

[xenos]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Great post. I think the only benefit we have with this, if there really is one, is that we know why. We know why we feel that way and our relationships suffer for that, not that we can really do anything about that. Now we can make things a little better and work on it but our core hurt will always be there and will surface at some point and time. Before I was diagnosed , within the past few years, I was really confused about why I felt that way and why was it so much easier for others to want that loving relationship and find it. Years of questioning that have now been answered and I am thankful for that.
Have a wonderful New Year. Glad to see someone else posting here in the forum.

Thanks Trace14, Happy New year to you too.