[Trace14]

Today the T asked what my goals were now. I think we have discussed this somewhere else and how goals could change during therapy and T's should ask. Kind of scary she did, but anyway my usual reply is "to get my life back"
So she asked me what that would look like and I paused because I really don't know. It's hard to remember life before all this started. If I had the right therapy soon after the one set this would have been easier to answer I think. But after 3.5 years I don't remember what life was like before.
Anyone else struggle with this?

[reb569]

I have struggled with CPTSD my whole life. I just didn't have a name for it, and I used to be able to control it, keep it at bay. It's been in the last year that it's been relentless. Well there was also a period of time after I had left home, had spent 6 months in an abusive relationship and had escaped it that I was totally out of control. I think if I had seen a therapist then, I would have been diagnosed BPD. Instead of a therapist, I saw a recruiter, kept it together enough to come off as totally mentally stable, and joined the Air Force.

Anyway -- I don't really know who I am. I was created, molded by witnessing and experiencing abuse on a daily basis my entire childhood and teen years, and a knack for getting myself into abusive situations in adulthood.

For me, a short term goal would be to return to "my former norm". For a long term goal, to find out who I really am, to create "my new norm". But first I need to convince myself that I'm worth it for one. Also, I'm not sure I can do this while my daughter is still struggling. I feel like I should be concentrating on her.

So - yeah, I struggle with that too.

Maybe, instead of one goal, to reach a place that you aren't sure of, you set a goal that you can define easier, then once you reach it, set the next goal, with the final goal, to get your life back?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I have struggled with CPTSD my whole life. I just didn't have a name for it, and I used to be able to control it, keep it at bay. It's been in the last year that it's been relentless. Well there was also a period of time after I had left home, had spent 6 months in an abusive relationship and had escaped it that I was totally out of control. I think if I had seen a therapist then, I would have been diagnosed BPD. Instead of a therapist, I saw a recruiter, kept it together enough to come off as totally mentally stable, and joined the Air Force.

Anyway -- I don't really know who I am. I was created, molded by witnessing and experiencing abuse on a daily basis my entire childhood and teen years, and a knack for getting myself into abusive situations in adulthood.

For me, a short term goal would be to return to "my former norm". For a long term goal, to find out who I really am, to create "my new norm". But first I need to convince myself that I'm worth it for one. Also, I'm not sure I can do this while my daughter is still struggling. I feel like I should be concentrating on her.

So - yeah, I struggle with that too.

Maybe, instead of one goal, to reach a place that you aren't sure of, you set a goal that you can define easier, then once you reach it, set the next goal, with the final goal, to get your life back?

Maybe do smaller goals, things that I know to be true, that sounds reasonable. I was very disconnected in the session not sure why. I don't remember a lot of it.

[TrailRunner14]

There's a book that someone shared a portion of on another thread. I ordered it and it's been very validating for me and makes me question if CPTSD is what I'm working through.

The title is COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Here's the link to it on Amazon

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842..._C.P5ybE6N00H1

I recommend it because it has given words to what I could not understand. It's also written from the author's own experience.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

There's a book that someone shared a portion of on another thread. I ordered it and it's been very validating for me and makes me question if CPTSD is what I'm working through.

The title is COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Here's the link to it on Amazon

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842..._C.P5ybE6N00H1

I recommend it because it has given words to what I could not understand. It's also written from the author's own experience.

I actually have that book, and one other by him too. His work is what helped me determine that I have C-PTSD. He's very good.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

There's a book that someone shared a portion of on another thread. I ordered it and it's been very validating for me and makes me question if CPTSD is what I'm working through.

The title is COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Here's the link to it on Amazon

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842..._C.P5ybE6N00H1

I recommend it because it has given words to what I could not understand. It's also written from the author's own experience.

Pete Walker is a hero on this Forum. He understands CPTSD like no other. Hoping more people will get in tune with it one day and the DSM will recognize it.

[TrailRunner14]

It really has been more validating than I have words for.

I started out meeting with my counselor for anxiety and issues going on that I had no idea how to handle with my husband. Looking back in it, it seems like it is revealing itself to me.

I've read so many books that my brain is overloaded looking for words and an explanation and validation of what I feel and experience. His words seem to ring with more truth than what I have read so far. It kind of feels like someone took my hand and said, "Let me explain and help you understand."

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

It really has been more validating than I have words for.

I started out meeting with my counselor for anxiety and issues going on that I had no idea how to handle with my husband. Looking back in it, it seems like it is revealing itself to me.

I've read so many books that my brain is overloaded looking for words and an explanation and validation of what I feel and experience. His words seem to ring with more truth than what I have read so far. It kind of feels like someone took my hand and said, "Let me explain and help you understand."

I agree. That's why we feel he is the expert in this field. There's a CPTSD workbook out now that one member is using. Another resource I like to use is Kati Morton's video's on about anything mental health. You can read too much to where your head is just spinning. Sometimes it was good for me to just step back from the books for a little while.

[reb569]

I think I need a Katie Morten video (or two or three) today. She's so peppy. Automatically makes me feel better. I had a very rough week and am really struggling to find a reason to even try recovery. Why bother when a power-hungry, mean spirited boss, will turn around and destroy all the effort you've made with one meeting, or this week with 3 one-on-one meetings in 3 days where he just trashes everything you've done. Especially when everything you've done, was exactly what he asked for, and he didn't give you the job until two days before it was due when he knew about it for over a week and even a week wouldn't have been long enough to pull it off?

I've come to the conclusion that my efforts to stay off meds are going to have come to an end in order to handle this. Rumor is that this guy is getting fired, but that rumors been going around for months. In the meantime, the ***** rolls downhill and I'm his whipping b!tch. Couldn't they at least give him one other employee to abuse so I can get a break?

Why can't I remember grounding techniques when I get really stressed?

[SoupDragon]

Yes I struggle with goals. All I know is that life is a struggle, I just don't feel comfortable anywhere, but have no idea how it should be or feel.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I think I need a Katie Morten video (or two or three) today. She's so peppy. Automatically makes me feel better. I had a very rough week and am really struggling to find a reason to even try recovery. Why bother when a power-hungry, mean spirited boss, will turn around and destroy all the effort you've made with one meeting, or this week with 3 one-on-one meetings in 3 days where he just trashes everything you've done. Especially when everything you've done, was exactly what he asked for, and he didn't give you the job until two days before it was due when he knew about it for over a week and even a week wouldn't have been long enough to pull it off?

I've come to the conclusion that my efforts to stay off meds are going to have come to an end in order to handle this. Rumor is that this guy is getting fired, but that rumors been going around for months. In the meantime, the ***** rolls downhill and I'm his whipping b!tch. Couldn't they at least give him one other employee to abuse so I can get a break?

Why can't I remember grounding techniques when I get really stressed?

Yes Kati is very peppy Your boss does sound like a jerk. Is there anyone over his head you could talk to? And HR department? Good question on why grounding techniques escape us when we are stressed, because they do for some reason.

[reb569]

His boss is my old boss and is a decent boss. I tried to talk to him a few weeks ago, but it didn't do any good. I'm kind of stuck.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

His boss is my old boss and is a decent boss. I tried to talk to him a few weeks ago, but it didn't do any good. I'm kind of stuck.

Is there an HR department? Of course you have to pick your battles and it may be best to wait it out. It would be a hard choice.

[reb569]

I'm very nervous about escalating this. For one, I'm concerned that in my current state that I'm being over-sensitive and am taking things the wrong way. I also tend to forget some of the things that are said because my anxiety level is so high during the meetings so I have a hard time describing what happened. That's what happened with my meeting with my old boss a few weeks ago. I was able to let him know that he (my new boss) was stressing me out, was able to give a few examples and that I had a bad feeling about it. That was really before it got worse though.

I do know that he had major problems in our systems department. He had one person on his team and another that he had part time for a big project. I was also on this project (but I work in Marketing). The one (lets call him Joe) person he spread lies about, and he took it to his supervisor, they had a meeting and Joe was able to prove through documentation that he had NOT lied. Then a couple months later the guy that worked directly for him (lets call him Jim) went to his supervisor and told him, "It's him or me." That's when he got moved to Marketing. I have had some conversations with "Joe" in the last few weeks and he's been very supportive and he's aware of what's going on. Jim also has my back and then within my division, I have two co-workers who have been very supportive. I'm not sure I can trust my old boss. I think I just need to deal with it and let my co-workers and systems friends, do what they can. All of them are AVP's so have a little bit of power, while I have none. They are aware of the fact that he has pulled me off of hot projects to do his work for him, and it's impacting their projects either directly or indirectly. Sooner or later one of them is going to escalate it.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I'm very nervous about escalating this. For one, I'm concerned that in my current state that I'm being over-sensitive and am taking things the wrong way. I also tend to forget some of the things that are said because my anxiety level is so high during the meetings so I have a hard time describing what happened. That's what happened with my meeting with my old boss a few weeks ago. I was able to let him know that he (my new boss) was stressing me out, was able to give a few examples and that I had a bad feeling about it. That was really before it got worse though.

I do know that he had major problems in our systems department. He had one person on his team and another that he had part time for a big project. I was also on this project (but I work in Marketing). The one (lets call him Joe) person he spread lies about, and he took it to his supervisor, they had a meeting and Joe was able to prove through documentation that he had NOT lied. Then a couple months later the guy that worked directly for him (lets call him Jim) went to his supervisor and told him, "It's him or me." That's when he got moved to Marketing. I have had some conversations with "Joe" in the last few weeks and he's been very supportive and he's aware of what's going on. Jim also has my back and then within my division, I have two co-workers who have been very supportive. I'm not sure I can trust my old boss. I think I just need to deal with it and let my co-workers and systems friends, do what they can. All of them are AVP's so have a little bit of power, while I have none. They are aware of the fact that he has pulled me off of hot projects to do his work for him, and it's impacting their projects either directly or indirectly. Sooner or later one of them is going to escalate it.

I understand the stress in escalating this, you know the old saying "You can win the battle but lose the war" Just weigh it out before you do anything and act with your "wise mind"

[Trace14]

Has anyone had therapy to change your opinions about yourself for the worst? I've never felt like a failure or disappointment until I started doing therapy. It just all of a sudden hit me why try when nothing I do is right according to therapy. Most of my actions are ones of avoidance, I can't get homework tasks done for some reason (makes me feel like a failure), then these other memories pop up and get in the way of what I need to do. At the point of wondering if it's worth keeping on with therapy. Or this could just be pre-session anxiety. I don't know.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Has anyone had therapy to change your opinions about yourself for the worst? I've never felt like a failure or disappointment until I started doing therapy. It just all of a sudden hit me why try when nothing I do is right according to therapy. Most of my actions are ones of avoidance, I can't get homework tasks done for some reason (makes me feel like a failure), then these other memories pop up and get in the way of what I need to do. At the point of wondering if it's worth keeping on with therapy. Or this could just be pre-session anxiety. I don't know.

I don't think therapy has impacted how I feel about myself. I think it sometimes brings things back to your conscious thoughts that might make you feel uncomfortable. Over time though, I would hope that those "things" are resolved.

I have my next session on Friday. I kind of wish I could see her today. I'm very down right now and I always leave my sessions feeling better than I felt going in.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I don't think therapy has impacted how I feel about myself. I think it sometimes brings things back to your conscious thoughts that might make you feel uncomfortable. Over time though, I would hope that those "things" are resolved.

I have my next session on Friday. I kind of wish I could see her today. I'm very down right now and I always leave my sessions feeling better than I felt going in.

I hope in time I will be more comfortable with sessions. I get physically sick pre session.
Just hang in there Friday will be here soon. Or maybe call her/him and ask if you come in earlier.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Has anyone had therapy to change your opinions about yourself for the worst? I've never felt like a failure or disappointment until I started doing therapy. It just all of a sudden hit me why try when nothing I do is right according to therapy. Most of my actions are ones of avoidance, I can't get homework tasks done for some reason (makes me feel like a failure), then these other memories pop up and get in the way of what I need to do. At the point of wondering if it's worth keeping on with therapy. Or this could just be pre-session anxiety. I don't know.

Yes, I have had therapy that made me feel worse and what I have learned about that is that the therapists that I felt that way with were failing me. Trauma work takes time and a therapist simply cannot push a patient beyond what that patient is ready to do.

I have noticed that you have slowly been gaining Trace, and I can see you are trying very hard. You have been working on trying to understand the challenge itself and how your symptoms are part of the challenge and what that means. You have a tremendous amount of trauma in your history, so you are simply not going to recover from that "quickly". The point is that you have been making progress, and if you struggle then you need to slow down and a therapist needs to understand that. If a therapist gets impatient, then that doesn't mean "you" are failing. It's clear that you are working at this, you are reading and learning and you have been gaining. Healing simply doesn't happen over night, especially when there is a history that has a lot of challenge in it that one is just finally sitting and "slowly" looking at.

You were always strong minded and outgoing despite the dysfunction you grew up in. You did not "fail" at life either, you managed to survive a lot and you were incredibly strong. You don't have to ever let go of that strength you had in your past either. Think of it this way, you had to cut a path through very difficult terrain in your life, and you did move forward and you did that better than a lot of other people would have too.

You experienced a major trauma and it's going to take you time to mourn and heal from that.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, I have had therapy that made me feel worse and what I have learned about that is that the therapists that I felt that way with were failing me. Trauma work takes time and a therapist simply cannot push a patient beyond what that patient is ready to do.

I have noticed that you have slowly been gaining Trace, and I can see you are trying very hard. You have been working on trying to understand the challenge itself and how your symptoms are part of the challenge and what that means. You have a tremendous amount of trauma in your history, so you are simply not going to recover from that "quickly". The point is that you have been making progress, and if you struggle then you need to slow down and a therapist needs to understand that. If a therapist gets impatient, then that doesn't mean "you" are failing. It's clear that you are working at this, you are reading and learning and you have been gaining. Healing simply doesn't happen over night, especially when there is a history that has a lot of challenge in it that one is just finally sitting and "slowly" looking at.

You were always strong minded and outgoing despite the dysfunction you grew up in. You did not "fail" at life either, you managed to survive a lot and you were incredibly strong. You don't have to ever let go of that strength you had in your past either. Think of it this way, you had to cut a path through very difficult terrain in your life, and you did move forward and you did that better than a lot of other people would have too.

You experienced a major trauma and it's going to take you time to mourn and heal from that.

The T and I were going to talk about it today at our tele session but I couldn't stop vomiting so I had to cancel the session. Not sure if it was the anxiety from the session or the Naproxen I'm taking. Either way ...not been a good day, I'm so sore from heaving. " Tenacious T" = TT called and wants to reschedule the session for tomorrow. I don't get it, when she wants to cancel a session it's fine, but I miss a session and it's oh we have to meet soon to continue with the sessions. Sounds like a parent thing "do as I say do and not as I do"

[Thelost1ssoul]

Apparently before I started therapy, my psychologist and different therapists think I was on "auto-pilot". Like I started suppressing things even as "it was all going on". I don't remember much, except Like I found out I was pregnant. She thinks it happened with all 3 pregnancies because I couldn't be high anymore while they hurt me, so my mind just left...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Thelost1ssoul

Apparently before I started therapy, my psychologist and different therapists think I was on "auto-pilot". Like I started suppressing things even as "it was all going on". I don't remember much, except Like I found out I was pregnant. She thinks it happened with all 3 pregnancies because I couldn't be high anymore while they hurt me, so my mind just left...

How are they going to address this? I think a lot of us just exist and not really live life. Not any fun.

[Thelost1ssoul]

Originally Posted by Trace14

How are they going to address this? I think a lot of us just exist and not really live life. Not any fun.

Lots and lots of talk therapy, meds to keep me comfortable in the process (they don't always work). I've figured out that the brain releases info when it's ready and thinks the body is ready. I don't feel like I even exist anymore.
Hopefully soon I can get back into therapy. I can feel the difference

[butterflycaught2]

Originally Posted by Trace14

How are they going to address this? I think a lot of us just exist and not really live life. Not any fun.

I found a therapist that for the first time told me what this is about. It's called Dissociation and can be addressed really well with mindfulness, but I needed the T to tell me when I'd started to disassociate. Now it barely ever happens for me anymore.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Thelost1ssoul

Lots and lots of talk therapy, meds to keep me comfortable in the process (they don't always work). I've figured out that the brain releases info when it's ready and thinks the body is ready. I don't feel like I even exist anymore.
Hopefully soon I can get back into therapy. I can feel the difference

I hope so too. It's a real eye opener when you accept that you need help in dealing with these issues, or at least it was for me.