[OliverB]

When I am in reality it is too overwhelming. Too many flashbacks, horribles one, scaring to the point of seeing suicide as a safety way of scaping from the threat, to the point of thinking of killing ''everyone'' to be safe.

That's why I spend most of time dissociated or psychotic, I stay far from trauma while psychotic and dissociated.... but lately I have tried to face the trauma and stay in touch with reality, and I cannot study or be safe without sedating myself with benzodiacepines.

My therapist told me to don't feed the dissociation and psychosis, and stop pretending everything is normal, but if I do what he says I crash in a dangerous way.

I think I will stay dissociated and feeding psychosis until I finish my second semester examns in june, then...

I don't know, if I face it I would need to be nearly supervised, which it is something I don't have, but I need to face it in order to don't be all the time psychotic or dissociated. I can't build social relationship or truly live when being so dissociated or psychotic.

I am in a day hospital but the activities are mainly to socialize and participate in a friendly way, to learn to do that. This is because most of patients there have problems with it. They don't have anything specific for trauma, they just focus on teaching young people to behave and react in appropriate ways, for example, how to ask things gentely instead of getting angry and scream what you want. My psychiatrist told me the activities won't help me, but there are not more resourses in the day hospital.

This is why I am considering the psychiatric hospital, which it is one of the best ones in my country, and gropus and activities are more personalized, divided on patients needs, on groups depending of their needs.

acute wards don't help, the day hospital isn't enough, it is closed after 3pm and it is closed all august.

The minimum tiem to be inpatient in the psychiatric hospital it is 6 months, this and don't seeing my regular psychiatrist scares me.

What do you think about the residential treatment in the psychiatric hospital?

I think it's good to take care of ourselves, and if putting ourselves in-patient is a part of the plan, then I'm all for it ... Also, I recommend this book:



It really helped me to make some rather remarkable progress! ... I wish you the best in your healing and recovery process!

Sincerely,
Pflower!

[OliverB]

I have that book, and it triggers me a lot, put me in reality, which drives me out of control and forces me to sedate myself to avoid trying to kill myself for scaping the flasback feeling of threat.

But it is a good book

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

When I am in reality it is too overwhelming. Too many flashbacks, horribles one, scaring to the point of seeing suicide as a safety way of scaping from the threat, to the point of thinking of killing ''everyone'' to be safe.

That's why I spend most of time dissociated or psychotic, I stay far from trauma while psychotic and dissociated.... but lately I have tried to face the trauma and stay in touch with reality, and I cannot study or be safe without sedating myself with benzodiacepines.

My therapist told me to don't feed the dissociation and psychosis, and stop pretending everything is normal, but if I do what he says I crash in a dangerous way.

I think I will stay dissociated and feeding psychosis until I finish my second semester examns in june, then...

I don't know, if I face it I would need to be nearly supervised, which it is something I don't have, but I need to face it in order to don't be all the time psychotic or dissociated. I can't build social relationship or truly live when being so dissociated or psychotic.

I am in a day hospital but the activities are mainly to socialize and participate in a friendly way, to learn to do that. This is because most of patients there have problems with it. They don't have anything specific for trauma, they just focus on teaching young people to behave and react in appropriate ways, for example, how to ask things gentely instead of getting angry and scream what you want. My psychiatrist told me the activities won't help me, but there are not more resourses in the day hospital.

This is why I am considering the psychiatric hospital, which it is one of the best ones in my country, and gropus and activities are more personalized, divided on patients needs, on groups depending of their needs.

acute wards don't help, the day hospital isn't enough, it is closed after 3pm and it is closed all august.

The minimum tiem to be inpatient in the psychiatric hospital it is 6 months, this and don't seeing my regular psychiatrist scares me.

What do you think about the residential treatment in the psychiatric hospital?

I think I'm very proud of the way you have realized what triggers you and how bad it gets. You are very wise. Also, you impress me by researching these hospitals and looking for a program that would fit your needs. Good job! The fact that it would scare you a little by not seeing your regular providers is understandable. I'm sure they will have very competent providers there as well. You say the minimum time is 6 mos. , really 6 mos is not that long. I think it would be well worth a try. If it doesn't work out then at least you can say you tried and this is not the route you need to take from here out. Ya know?

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I think I'm very proud of the way you have realized what triggers you and how bad it gets. You are very wise. Also, you impress me by researching these hospitals and looking for a program that would fit your needs. Good job! The fact that it would scare you a little by not seeing your regular providers is understandable. I'm sure they will have very competent providers there as well. You say the minimum time is 6 mos. , really 6 mos is not that long. I think it would be well worth a try. If it doesn't work out then at least you can say you tried and this is not the route you need to take from here out. Ya know?

Thank you,

but I don't knnow if I would be sent there because I always look like I am under control, I am stoic, due to abuse, pseudo stoic, I feel inside, I don't look out of control, completly quietlly, I can ttry to kill myself as if I were cooking some meal. Nobody notices it. also I have insight. and even if I know the hospital it is one of the best in the country I don't know if they are skilled on dealing with trauma.

The day hospital I attend it is supposed to be good too, buuut, it has nothing for traumatized peoople.... and I can't pay anything private.

I almost killed myself month ago. I told my psychiatist, he asked me if I wanted to go to the acute ward, I sayid no because it is always scaring and more traumatizing. He let me go, knowing I have a plan and I would try it that night. It didn't work, I just was unconscious.

This made me think why he didnt metion the residential treatment, maybe because even if it offers personalized treatment it doesn't have for trauma.

Or maybe because he thought I would refuse it.

I don't know, I have to ask him.

I am in danger. While I am in a flasback I truuly believe I am in danger and try to kill myself to scape from the threath

Pete walker said it, some cptsd it is mild neurosis while it can also go to psychosis. My flashbacks go beyond anxiety and panic and fear, everything turns real, the fears, the threath, and I react.

[OliverB]

I am sorry, I just took 2.5 klonopin, 0.5 xanax and 600mg gabapentin, my spell must be horrible.

I have no tolerance to benzo, I take klonopil since 5 days 0.5 twice a day, and now I took that much, but I don't even fall assleep, I have insomnia, I have nightmares, this is not good.

I have to either severly dissociate, go psychotic again or be IP for being too in touch with reality with so much flashbacks

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

I am sorry, I just took 2.5 klonopin, 0.5 xanax and 600mg gabapentin, my spell must be horrible.

I have no tolerance to benzo, I take klonopil since 5 days 0.5 twice a day, and now I took that much, but I don't even fall assleep, I have insomnia, I have nightmares, this is not good.

I have to either severly dissociate, go psychotic again or be IP for being too in touch with reality with so much flashbacks

Oliver I want you to insist in getting help. So far you have been saved. Make sure that your therapist knows how serious you are. If he/she doesn't act then go over their head to someone who has the authority to get you the help you need and want. You don't want to die you want help to live a better life, that's not too much to ask. Do you have a crisis line there where you live, that you can call? Please call someone if you feel like suicide is the last resort. You have too much going for you to let the trauma win. IP would not be the worst thing to happen, it may even benefit you. I really wish you would check this out.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Oliver I want you to insist in getting help. So far you have been saved. Make sure that your therapist knows how serious you are. If he/she doesn't act then go over their head to someone who has the authority to get you the help you need and want. You don't want to die you want help to live a better life, that's not too much to ask. Do you have a crisis line there where you live, that you can call? Please call someone if you feel like suicide is the last resort. You have too much going for you to let the trauma win. IP would not be the worst thing to happen, it may even benefit you. I really wish you would check this out.

aa

I went to the ER and they refused to IP me even if there is death risk because i have had bad past experiences while IP. they put me a med cocktel I took in the past and made me feel worse, I told them and they didn't care, I told them the med cocktel didn't help when I tried it and that I could trow myself throught the windows the next crisis. . a

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

aa

I went to the ER and they refused to IP me even if there is death risk because i have had bad past experiences while IP. they put me a med cocktel I took in the past and made me feel worse, I told them and they didn't care, I told them the med cocktel didn't help when I tried it and that I could trow myself throught the windows the next crisis. . a

Is there a crisis line you could call?

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Is there a crisis line you could call?

I called, and after talking they said the only option it is calling the emergency services which would send me to the same hospital and I will see the same psychiatrist who wanted me to take a med cocktail that made me so sick in the past my psychiatrist from the day hospital stopped it. FUN

[OliverB]

I will take a mild klonopin overdose and sleep, and sleep with gabapentin, and lormetazepam. It wont' kill me, I dont'w want to die

[OliverB]

17mg clonzepam, 2100mg gabapentin, 6mg lormetazepam

good sleep

[OliverB]

I will be Ip for god sake

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

I will be Ip for god sake

Are you saying you will go into an IP treatment program?

[reb569]

Oliver, it seems unethical that they refuse you ip care if it's needed and you want it. Can't you go to a different hospital on your own? I'm in a very rural area and each county has their own primary for psychiatric. My daughter has gone to the one in a neighboring county each time, because where I live it's the closest. If I take her to the hospital in my county, I might be able to get her to a different ip facility, where I've heard they are really good. A friend who was recently ip there said they actually called him a couple weeks after his discharge to see how he was doing. Neither of the ones my daughter has been in did that. That said, I think they were both very good. The nursing staff at each were great. The case workers sucked though.

Originally Posted by OliverB

I have that book, and it triggers me a lot, put me in reality, which drives me out of control and forces me to sedate myself to avoid trying to kill myself for scaping the flasback feeling of threat.

But it is a good book

It's okay to put that book on the back burner until you're in a better place to work through it ... I was well into my recovery process before I received it (a gift from my therapist) ... However, I do remember how triggered I was early on in my process, and had it been given to me then, it would have probably put me over the edge!

I'm also heartened to hear that you do not want to kill yourself ... I'm glad you are not willing to give the bastids that did this to you your life! ... My mantra became, I ain't givin' the bastids that! ... I hope it becomes yours too, and I assure you that as crazy as it all seems right now, it does get better ... It's hard work and it takes a long, long time ... But!, you will get there ... STAY STRONG, MY FRIEND!

Sincerely,
Pflower!

[OliverB]

I was IP for like 6h, until the sedation went mostly away. I am still drowsy. I told the psychiatrist I was still in danger, but she thought I was just being manipulative and wanted to stay in the hospital.

**** psychiatrist.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Are you saying you will go into an IP treatment program?

No, a psych guard.

Originally Posted by reb569

Oliver, it seems unethical that they refuse you ip care if it's needed and you want it. Can't you go to a different hospital on your own? I'm in a very rural area and each county has their own primary for psychiatric. My daughter has gone to the one in a neighboring county each time, because where I live it's the closest. If I take her to the hospital in my county, I might be able to get her to a different ip facility, where I've heard they are really good. A friend who was recently ip there said they actually called him a couple weeks after his discharge to see how he was doing. Neither of the ones my daughter has been in did that. That said, I think they were both very good. The nursing staff at each were great. The case workers sucked though.

There is the only one... and sucks... they thought I was faking and after the clonazepam sedation was reduce they discharged me saying I was being manipulative, etc.

I cannot go to another one since I will be re-sent to this one, it is the one I am assigned becauuse i LIVE here

sORRY, still dizzy and confused, they discharged me when I found it difficult o walk. Great

[RainyDay107]

Can your pdoc pre-admit you? My pdoc wanted me to go IP recently and his office staff called the hospital, reserved a bed for, etc.

[reb569]

OK. You know your area. I'm hoping my daughter never has to go IP again, but if she does, I hope to get her to a different facility.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by glamslam

Can your pdoc pre-admit you? My pdoc wanted me to go IP recently and his office staff called the hospital, reserved a bed for, etc.

He is on vacation until may

[OliverB]

I dream one day I will be able to kill all of those who work in the psych ward.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

I dream one day I will be able to kill all of those who work in the psych ward.

This is no way to approach this, they are innocent people just doing their job no need to harm them and have your afterlife be spent in purgatory.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

This is no way to approach this, they are innocent people just doing their job no need to harm them and have your afterlife be spent in purgatory.

Innocent?

They humiliated me and discharged me from the hospital when I tried to explain them I was in an horrible pain and danger at home alone, they ignored me and didn´t hear me.

I am normally against violence but it triggered me a lot how thei treated me.

I don't intent to kill them but I wish I could, at least until I feel safer.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

Innocent?

They humiliated me and discharged me from the hospital when I tried to explain them I was in an horrible pain and danger at home alone, they ignored me and didn´t hear me.

I am normally against violence but it triggered me a lot how thei treated me.

I don't intent to kill them but I wish I could, at least until I feel safer.

We have offered all the suggestions we can for you but every time you have some reason for not trying to follow through with them. If you would go in and explain that you are homicidal as well as suicidal I don't see where they can deny you inpatient treatment. You are not in the USA right? UK? I think you told me once but I don't remember what you said. I think there are crisis lines listed somewhere here on PC for the different countries. Do you have the crisis line number?