im a fool...

i feel suicidal... i dont know if suicidal is the right word...

let me try to explain what i mean...

i am just tired of this life... this life like this...
the way things are... i cant keep going on this way...
i dont want to live like this any more... i cant do it anymore...

at times i feel i dont want to live at all anymore... at times i feel i just need to do something... something... like there is something on the tip of your tongue... a decision... a choice... a word... a move... a game of chess... that could change it all... and that life would be over... but i wouldnt have to die... but that life could die... and i could have a new life...

i dont want to die... i just dont want to live like this anymore... i am so tired...
i am to much of a cowards to end my own story... to end this myself... to put pain on other people... to hurt other people... i am someone that wants to help others... to make others feel happy and good... i could never hurt others... i could never put others through the pain of me committing suicide...

i just feel the pain is so unbearable sometimes... that i become scared...
scared that something will accidentally happen to me... or that my body will just shut down on its own due to the pain... because it hurts so bad... i cant describe how much pain i am in...

and i am not here to put it on anyone, on any member...

i do not want any one to feel bad for me, any pity, i do not want any ones sympathy or any thing from anyone... i just am so alone... im not asking for anything from anyone... and im not expecting anything from anyone either...

its just so damn difficult when you are doing everything right... (words from my therapists') and when you are trapped... with people that are constantly triggering you into your despair...
its not me! damnit! said the therapists....
its them... and im sick and tired of it all... im sick and tired of them... its not me...

the new therapist told me that i am in the battlefield... still... even though i am doing everything right, i will never get better... because of my surroundings... because of them.... its not me.... its not my fault!

im trying as hard as i can.... im fighting with every fiber of my entire being...
and im just becoming so drained... so at the end of my ... whatever... im just at the end of my rope... because im exhausting all of my resources... all of my strengths... all of my ideas... all of my motivations... everything is becoming drained... because everytime i pick myself up... they kick my ****ing *** back in the ****ing mud....

how many times can you survive this...? how many times can you pick yourself up...?
how many times...? how many bloody times can you do this....
i am becoming so... i am just so used up.... that is why i am here...

that is why i told them to cancel my delete my account because i realized if they did delete my account i would be left alone with them... and i would have nothing left... sure would have the doctor... that does not understand me... the therapist that i can only talk to every 2 weeks and says she can not really help me further...

sure...

so i have to stay... i need peer support i realized... in some form... i dont need to be kicked any more.....

so i am looking for new doctors... i am looking for new treatment... i am scared of the hospitals... i am

but i am looking at the hospitals... i just dont want to go.... i just dont want to go....
i've been to the hospital before.... they didnt help me you know.... they didnt listen..... it was not a good experience..... i dont want that to happen again.... and i am scared....

i feel like i am so alone.... and no one can understand me....
sitting in the dark.... speaking a foriegn language... with no hope... but still crying... trying... to call out for help... not to you all, just help... understanding...

i know no one here can help me, and honestly i dont know if anyone can help me anywhere anymore...

im afraid of the damage that may have been done to my brain growing up... as the new therapist stated... perhaps i did suffer a traumatic brain injury....
even though the psychologists assessment said it seemed benign... maybe its not... maybe they missed something.... maybe there is extensive damage that will never get better.... even though i fight so hard... and try so hard.......

yes i cry here.... yes i complain here.... but you would never see me speak like this in real life... you would never see me cry in real life... you would never see any of this in real life... you would never.... so i show my weakness here... i show vulnerability here... not to be judged... not to be hated on... not to be hurt... i just want friends.... maybe understanding...... maybe compassion.... maybe something that i have never received before.... because my family is so ****ing ****ed up.....

im just so done... maybe i should stop being so vulnerable here too... maybe i should shut down here too... i dunno what to do anymore...

i feel like people are telling me not to speak.... maybe i should be silent...

Sorry....

I apologize if I gave you the impression that you should stop posting, that is not what I wanted to communicate at all. Rather, to consider how much dwelling in the negative may be hindering your progress to recovery. I have been stuck in the stage of ruminating on the negative in the past and trust me, it doesn't help much although it can feel temporarily good to vent.

What is your typical day like, I wonder? How do you spend your time? I know that for me personally, a routine with healthy things to do works wonders for my mood.

i get up... take my medication... drink a cup of coffee and smoke a cig...

try to help my dad with what ever he needs help with...

thats about it...

i dont ruminate as much as possible because i am around these people and triggers near constantly where i have to be vigilant...

have to protect myself...

have to stay strong...

cant show emotions...

cant show weakness...

How do you feel about your typical daily routine? Is there anything you would change about it? Maybe there is something you'd be interested in doing, like a part-time job, volunteering or an activity you enjoy.

I know for me personally having a job has helped my mental health and confidence a lot, as well as exercising regularly. Even small things like washing a load of dishes can be a mood booster. What kind of things do you like to do for fun? I enjoy watching Youtube, TV shows, the occasional movie and also playing computer games. Sounds like you could use a little more fun in your life, and heck knows you deserve it.

ultimately i am shutting down...

i am too stressed out...

i am losing weight...

i am unable to hold a conversation... or speak...

i am losing it....

i try to play video games... but i lately cant.... depression...

i get high to relieve the pain and depression... but lately i cant...

i cant work because of my "problems"
i have severe anxiety, which i also get high to relieve, but i cant work while high

im just shutting down and exhausting all my outlets...

i cant remember the last time i had fun....

I hear you, I'm on disability myself because I have not been able to work for a long time (I've been on it for about 7 years now). Even at this point, I only work part-time, 24 hours a week. We can only do what we are able to do, and pushing ourselves severely past our limits can be dangerous.

Maybe start small, adding in just a bit of extra fun each day even if it feels forced at first.

It sounds like you might benefit from a hospital stay, it could be something to consider. I wish you the best.

i just want to get out of this house........

tomorow will be a long day at the clinic.....

i just feel so alone... like i dont belong anywhere...

in a field all by myself... why does it feel so lonely...?

If you keep feeding in on yourself you will be swallowed by the darkness...

Think... What can I do right now to stop this cycle and then do it...

I understand this backward spiral. It happens to me too.

It isn't easy to stop the spiral but stopping it is a must.

Do you have someone you can call, can visit, a coffee shop to go too?

I'm here if you want to talk...

i dunno why but i keep getting pushed over this cliff....

i pick myself up and dust myself off and they push me over it again...

it gets harder and harder to pick myself up again and again you know...

im so tired of this ******** they put me through....

im feeling scared... im scared of shutting down...

i dont want to shut down

if i shut down i know it will be near impossible to get myself out of this hole...

im trying.........

i am.......

I have read through all your posts.

I see the despair.

Try to refocus...

i dont have anyone...

no one that would not trigger me further....

i am just sitting here trying to listen to music....

drinking my twisted tea...

trying to play this game....

but i can feel myself slipping in and out... i hate this feeling...

its scary....

if i just had some weed it would be all ok....

since i was 12 years old weed has been able to ground me...

it has held my anxiety at bay and kept my depression down...

kept me from self harm and suicidal thoughts away....

how is it possible

to feel multiple things at once

to be ok

and to not be ok

to feel alive

and to feel death

to feel calm

to feel anxiety

to fear

to love...

how can you feel contradictions at the same time....

cant even trust your own feelings

makes you feel spacey...

dazed and confused

i dont know who i am...

makes me just want to throw my hands up

in confusion

the doctors dont get it

no one here gets it

none of my family gets it

i have no friends to get it

no wonder im all alone

**** it...

i'll shut it down, no sense in making no sense of nonsense

Some people do understand. you're triggered, right? I'm still thinking about you and I hope you can focus on calm peaceful hopeful empowering thoughts. I hope those thoughts will affect your feelings, and make them calm, peaceful, warm, safe. Take care of yourself, nourish

I'm fine

sorry

I haven't gotten drunk since I've gotten out of rehab.

Yet here I am. D.R.U.N.K.

I've drank... But not to the point of inebriation...

Why? I honestly just do not even know. . . .

I have not felt like it.

I don't want to.

Alcohol.......... so many things to say about you....

When I went into rehab I was dependent.... I had to detox....

Disgusted

I hate you. I hate alcohol.
Why am I drinking?
Because.

This is Why

To wake up every morning... Ground hog day.

To cry out every morning.... Ground hog day.

To Try so hard. . . . . . . . . Ground HoG DaY.

I am supposed to becareful of my Language...


I Now Have No Therapist.

I do not know how I am going to do this.

OK... YES... Now I really have no choice but to be Fine...

Its all my fault

she cant be my therapist

but its not my fault at all

It's all my environments fault

But who am I to blame anything or anyone

she says its guilt

I cant let it get me