The obstacle

I don't want to go to the abuse forum because I'm not ready to.
I was crying in counseling last week because of this obstacle. I feel it when I'm triggered...it's an ill-defined shapeshifter. I run from it, I try to go around it. I have a vivid mind's eye, which doesn't always help.

After a couple years of trying to describe my hijacked inner world to myself, to my husband, to my counselors...I guess I now connect the trigger, the bad feelings/thoughts/fears, flashbacks, abuse, and just now the obstacle. The obstacle is the repressed memories. It's what i can't see, what I've never wanted to see. What I don't want to feel. I was frustrated in counseling because I was still triggered. I was half in half out...I could sense the obstacle but it was hidden and threatening me, so I couldn't name it. I know I have memories sitting right there but I hadn't put it together that they are the obstacle that still stands in my way.

As a child i would faint a lot, or zone out, or go to a starry place. Anytime I felt a sharp pain. Saw a sharp pain. I've compensated for these "failures" of fear. I've compensated to the point that I really made things disappear, or so I thought. I shapeshifted myself and my beliefs. I could make anything into anything. "It" led me about. I drew in. As I was going down the slide towards dying, I started drawing it out. It started coming out. In tears, in awful feelings, like hitting my head against a brick wall over and over with no relief. It came out in pretty paintings. A colorful still life with cockroaches; "abandonment" engraved on a gate.

He was the cockroach. Damn! That's about as far as I can go. It's easy to head into despair. Why can't I let him go? All these years. Plus I'm grown. But the repressed memories make me feel like that child. I don't know how to love her yet.

Already, I catch myself thinking how I'm probably all wrong about him, them. How I'm probably just a victim of my imagination, or that it was just scary movies, church, and random scary neighbors, and my own guilty conscious to blame.
I guess this is how that obstacle stays an obstacle

I hope writing this down will help me chip away at the confusion. The "danger" is I feel the programmed roller coaster of thoughts and emotions that keep me from being stronger than the obstacle. I know it's repressed memories, I won't forget that. But I started thinking, "I hate myself." It's a nasty knot...that I deserve to be free of. Then I think of my mistake: that I denied my intuition, that I acted like a sheep, a docile animal when my mother snapped at me. Every avenue towards health has a barricade to go around..who put them there? Mom and dad? Me? I think it's all so obvious if I looked at the big picture, but I'm stuck on the roads finding things as I come across them, getting lost, turned around, and forgetting where I was going.

I am calm though. But I don't want to arrive, because I don't want to see that obstacle.

I did wake up a few times during the night from bad dreams. Don't remember what they all were. I did have a couple okay ones. i remember one about mom and her husband...they were over at my place for a holiday, and I was "trying to make it work." The feeling represented how I felt around them before I found out about my daughters abuse. In the dream, I saw how badly having them around was affecting my daughter and I, and I kicked them out and exposed them in front of everyone. My mom started to argue, but then held her tongue because other people were around.

That part of the dream addresses the trauma of the times she freaked out on the phone at me...screaming, lying, accusing, and expressing that I'm ruining her, that if I say anything more she will die, basically. It was horrible, and I had violent thoughts about her after one phone call in particular. These conversations we had still hurt me. I filed them away in fragments, and when I get reminded of them it triggers me. Maybe it's time to "process" those conversations and feelings in the dream she held her tongue, and I had power over her behavior. Not true in real life...only my desire.

The way back past, and the newer trauma with my daughter, are so interwoven it seems. it's funny..."forget the past" doesn't work because the problem of repressed memories. Forgetting the past contributed to my inability to follow my intuition and prevent the more recent trauma. I have to make peace with that though, because it's shame. Shame debilitates me too. I want to open and embracing, and to nurture my intuition.

First I was triggered by a phone call/ interview thing from a man last week; then I was triggered by thinking about the way back past; then it ended up with all these memories of how badly things went with my mom. Right now, I'm just bouncing the mom memories out of my head when they come. Maybe there's a better way to handle them though?

Just remembered...in one dream I was hovering, levitating because I discovered I could tread air. I could do it easily, as long as I wanted. ive had the same dream before, plus flying dreams. But this time, in the dream I realized I was dreaming, because treading air is impossible. I still kept the power though, despite the realization.

It's a big challenge when pulling apart one's history, especially early childhood challenges. Part of this challenge is having our adult mind finally see the things that frightened us as children that we "hid" from and genuinely did not have the capacity to understand.

One of the things I finally recognized about my own history is in that being the youngest child a lot of the dysfunction taking place in my family tended to be taken out on me in some way. What I saw was how my older sister and older brother "hated" each other and then I also saw the dysfunction taking place between my parents where my father constantly criticized my mother. It just seemed that no matter how much my mother tried to look nice, or cook a nice meal, my father NEVER just thanked her but instead always found something about how she looked or cooked or anything she did he could criticize.

This created a deep disturbance in me where I always hated the "X vs Y" and how much that contributed to me not feeling safe to the point where I suffered from developing stress hormones that would challenge me all of my life. However, the one thing I often faced is how others would tell me that I did not deserve to place value in whatever I did manage to accomplish and love. What I tended to experience for as long as I can remember is how others around me in my life tended to take their problems and anger and issues out on me.

When I was in therapy one day and talking and talking about so many things that I experienced and my therapist gently stopped me because at the same time I was crying and the tears were running down my cheeks, he taught me how without realizing it, I had learned how to run from my feelings.

For a long time the one person that kept triggering me was my older sister. I would get flashbacks, and I did not realize that my sister was the trigger. Recently she called me and her tone towards me was so mean and she would not allow me to say anything in my own defense, especially not about how I felt. She also said, "I don't have time for your drama", and what that really meant was that she NEVER had the time to see whatever I was feeling, and that what she really always wanted is things to be about "her" and "her" feelings.

On a very deep level, I worried about how much she contributed to my imprinting. I think we can "fear" being anything like the person who hurt us or was toxic. She was four years older than me and when we are very young we all tend to emulate an older sibling, especially if that older sibling is given any kind of authority over us.

It took me a long time to see that I am really "not" like her, but that I had given her too much power, and that is something that is VERY toxic for me in the now. When I say I gave her too much power, what I really mean by that is she had too much power over my self esteem. What I am seeing more now than ever before is how "she" always had to be the boss and the one in control and she made it clear how she was not happy if that was challenged.

I have come to recognize how that contributed to my struggling whenever I take on a leadership role. There has always been a deep seeded sense or stress hormone trigger that I will be punished for it if I do.

However, even though she made it clear to me what I can and cannot do or have, I did do things "I" wanted to do when she was not around to punish me. Part of what I did do is when I played with other children, even when I played with my older brother whom my sister NEVER wanted me to do or even be nice to him, was I made it a point to not be like my sister and instead allowed others to be leaders and feel they could do what they wanted.

I always had this feeling that something was over my shoulder standing in judgement or would punish me in some way. I never knew what it was and FINALLY saw what it was just recently after all these years, "it was and always has been my older sister". Truth is, I never saw it because it was always there from the very beginning of my life when I was a baby and she was four years old.

Also, whatever she wanted or had was something I was not supposed to have. For example, I loved the color blue but because SHE wanted to have it and that was the color her room got to be, I had to pick something else. I would never do that with children, I would never set it up where the oldest gets to have her way like that but instead allow the children to be able to enjoy what they like. I was so glad when I got my own place and could finally have what "I" wanted.

There are things going on now in my life where my older sister is triggering me badly.
It's taken me a long time to "slowly" figure it out because sometimes her behaviors leave me with being severely triggered for several days and not even knowing "why".

There were things I experienced in my childhood that most definitely traumatized me and severely affected my sense of safety and because of that I developed stress hormones that I thought were normal but were "not".

It definitely takes time to slowly figure out the things that "hurt/stressed" us in our past and sometimes we can have "fears" that whatever it is will be something that is bad or that others will not understand. I think that what each person tries to do unknowingly is find ways to "overcome" whatever it was that stressed/hurt/confused them when they were too young to understand whatever it was that contributed to them not feeling "safe".

However, it's important to remember that this is actually how we are designed to be as human beings in that whatever we see as a threat becomes something we develop a desire to somehow "fix".

Openeyes, What you write makes perfect sense...children don't understand what's happening to them, or have much power to fix it; they just adapt their behavior to avoid punishment. It becomes our normal, our role, and some family members want to keep the status quo that was created. I was always trying to change things in my family, and I believe I was resented for that by my mom. Even as I was trying to urge her to leave her nasty husband, she said, "look at my kid trying to tell me what to do." She says these ridiculous catch phrases to shut me down, and it totally works in the moment. She probably planted the phrase when I a was a child, and there it was waiting to be activated.

When it was me and my safety on the line, it worked for her. when I didn't need to depend on her, her words show me what she's made of, and it's not okay by me. The more she let out what was in her heart, because I pushed past her boundaries and threats, the more I saw the real her. Yes I hold compassion for her, but she holds none for me..or its inhibited by her fear and denial. I know she was abused and that's why she is this way, but I can't help her, because I've tried. Same with my dad...I tried to help him, but his relationship with me was part of his sickness. It was never going to work. I've let most of it go, the parts I can see. The parts I still don't understand, like you said, I'm trying to fix them anyway. But it's a messy job that I'm still trying to get the skill to do.

Thank you for sharing, openeyes. It's good to talk about these things and shed light on what stands over our shoulder; and how to appropriately face it for our peace.

I feel the pain of old injuries sometimes when triggered. The injuries were healed long ago, so it's not actual damage I'm feeling, it's phantom pain or memory pain. Sometimes there is no pain, but instead I'll feel cautious about my knee or ankle getting sprained, and I'll worry about hurting myself. I also get a weird itching in my mouth, and it makes me lick my teeth. And I'll rub my hands because they feel dry and weird. The feeling of my hands and mouth gives me the shudders. I finally realized it was linked to gymnastics chalk, the blisters from gymnastics, and chalk dust in my mouth. The injuries and chalk are from a certain age: puberty. When i was going through puberty, it must have brought up some sexual memories from my younger childhood. Sometimes I was injured because I was spaced off and not grounded. So now when triggered, my subconscious might be warning me that I need to stay aware of my surroundings and focused, or I could get hurt. So although my mind gets very confused, at least I'm walking around extra cautiously.

I had to write this out for my healing. I even heard myself say out loud, "okay. I did it."

I have this sad memory from when I was six. I'm just going to put it here. I think I was disassociating back then. Ok yes I was. I guess I don't want to commit to that, because then I will go on the whole spinner of answering "why" I was disassociating and what that means. But that's what I need to do... so I was at school, and I was frightened of my teacher. Come to find out later her husband was alleged to have touched students. Her husband was frequently coming to our class. I don't remember anything happening with him, but I don't remember many things; I definitely remember odd sexual things were happening in my life at that time. Anyway, one day during recess, I was playing on this giant tire that was part of the playground equipment. I was so skinny I could squeeze between the edges of the rubber to actually go into the tire and be complete hidden. I was in there when the bell rang to come in. I felt so safe in there, and I guess I thought I could just disappear. I remember feeling like I was in a dream as I peered out the crack of the tire. I saw some people looking for me, but I felt like I couldn't move. I knew I was going to be in trouble, but some part of me didn't care. I have no memory after peering out the crack. Right now writing about it, I have no feelings. But when I'm feeling spacey and dreamlike, I have suddenly remembered that day, and felt so crushingly sad. I guess it was a cry for help of some sort, because I was not a rule breaker, but I did hide sometimes and try to disappear.

The reason I came to the PC forums was to get group support. Feedback, hugs, and commiserations have been wonderful here. its also helpful that posts can't be erased, because usually I do get rid of anything I write. The indelible nature of these posts and my profile have forced me to see...me. I look back over my posts to keep track of my ptsd. It shocks me that I started this thread just a few weeks ago. So much happens in my life, mind, feelings in such a short time. I almost feel like a different person in every twist and turn. I am even keeled, yet a fractured person.

I haven't been too uncomfortable the past couple weeks. I've had anxiety and stress, anger, sadness, fear, problems to solve, etc., but I haven't been having symptoms that I can't explain. It's hard to even remember what ptsd feels like right now, until I read my past posts. Then I see the date on the post and ..gasp..it wasn't that long ago. PTSD distorts time, or something.

By getting a break from triggers, I can almost just put the pieces together and expose the obstacle. But nope! I start with the tight jaw, vomit urge, angry sick feelings, stupid benign splash images of doorways and carpets and flooding. Until I want to scream **** it and smash glass. I want to punching bag a lot of faces. will I ever get past the obstacle? It feels smaller I think. I want to wad it up piece by piece and toss it in the fire. But, where I want to go straight, I split in two! I remember someone here saying when they remembered things, it didn't make it easier. It's like rock and hard place. I have noticed that with enough detachment from certain people in my life...living and dead...I'm so much better. I've come a long way. When I think about going forward with the admitting things, though, I feel self destructive. The difference now is, I've learned to love myself.

I'm not triggered right now, but I'm refeeling the feelings in my past posts. I have worried so much about being judged, labeled, mocked, rejected. I'm feeling compassion for myself and all my struggles, pain, abuse, and neglect. When I'm in this integration operation of long ago me, recent years me, weeks ago me, and right now...I think I could be healing.

I'm starting to believe the past can't hurt me. But I still think I need to fight it.

I don't think I'll ever get away from the memories. All I can do is manage my reaction to them.

I still have visceral reactions when people yell, doors slam--stuff like that. It seems my current meds lowered the response a bit, but gave me other side effects that I don't need to be having. I picked through a lot of them in therapy, but there's still some that I need to work on still.

Big step: Im overcoming my fear of the people that created the obstacle.

You are safe here and will not be judged. So glad you are feeling compassion for yourself, that's important. You are right the past can't hurt you now, though the memories are hard sometimes. We will always have memories and there's no way to escape them. Though we can learn to deal with so they do not control us, we control them. Keep up the good work!!

The memories seem to be handled easier after working on fear, and shame.
I'm feeling whole and human, and I don't want to feel the opposite of that ever again.
My parents still have some hold on me. Can't do a clean break because they're engrained. Lately I see my mothers face in my reflection. It bothers me. I dreamt last night that we were both in the bank. I recognized her voice, though it was scratchy. I looked towards the voice, and saw her, but she had a scarf over her head and face.
Even if I don't see her, I hear her voice when I speak. My hands are looking more and more like her hands. When I think of her hands, my vision travels up her arms towards the thoughts and feelings of a hug; yet I will likely never hug my mom again.
I'm thinking a lot of my bonding with my parents was trauma bonding, though I haven't researched into that, just read a blurb.
Memories have been opening up to me, but in an innocent and curious way. My avoidance was so strong, with all the traps and triggers to dismantle, so small step by step I've been getting somewhere.

You are courageous. Small steps can feel like HUGE steps. Take it at your own pace, never at a faster pace for anyone else. You are in control and you set the pace, which helps you to feel more safe.

At some point, you may find other forums here helpful, too. Whenever you are ready, you could take a peek at then and see if they resonate with you.

I hope your sharing here has been helpful to you.
Please continue taking excellent care of yourself as you process your traumas.


WC

Thank you for the support, encouragement, and hugs. Meeting my needs and showing feelings...and having boundaries...it's my kind of courageous. Exposing my inner world and secrets, anonymously, is my type of adventure. i love PC because it takes my journey all over the world, and its healing to walk these small steps with all y'all.