[Trace14]

In writing the one trauma out it's kind of odd. It's like writing a horrible story that belongs to someone else. I don't have an emotional connection to it. This was something we were working on in PE therapy. The only time I had an emotional connection to it was when I was verbally telling the story to her, in detail, and taping it. I can tell the story to someone else and not connect to it because I am not focused on the every detail.
Anyone else experience anything like this?

[SoupDragon]

Yes. I think it is what makes therapy so hard for me. It's easier not having the emotional connection.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes. I think it is what makes therapy so hard for me. It's easier not having the emotional connection.

Yes, but the emotional disconnect spreads into daily life, or has for me. Has it for you?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Yes, but the emotional disconnect spreads into daily life, or has for me. Has it for you?

I think it possibly has. I don't really feel an emotional connection with anything. The only time I really feel anything, is when the anxiety kicks in, which can feel pretty random and at times, overwhelming.

I laugh at something funny, put my stern voice on when my kids have misbehaved, give (short!) hugs to a few people, when they are feeling sad, but there is nothing behind those things, it is like a script, that I know how I should be feeling and what the appropriate action is.

I am not sure I can imagine ever feeling any different.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I think it possibly has. I don't really feel an emotional connection with anything. The only time I really feel anything, is when the anxiety kicks in, which can feel pretty random and at times, overwhelming.

I laugh at something funny, put my stern voice on when my kids have misbehaved, give (short!) hugs to a few people, when they are feeling sad, but there is nothing behind those things, it is like a script, that I know how I should be feeling and what the appropriate action is.

I am not sure I can imagine ever feeling any different.

I understand, have you always been that way? I haven't. Being so emotionally disconnected is comfortable but not really what I want. I want my life back.

[SoupDragon]

No I haven't always been like this. I was "bubbly", compassionate, felt love, trust, but now nothing, apart from the anxiety.

I just feel numb and think maybe both my T and I are giving up on it being different for me.

I would like to grab back the old me, but at least it is better how I am now, rather than being "hijacked" by that self destructive part of my brain.

I do feel truely broken.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes. I think it is what makes therapy so hard for me. It's easier not having the emotional connection.

This (I think )

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

This (I think )

Thanks Fuzzy.

[MtnTime2896]

How I always talked about it, if I could bare to do that much, was always vague and unemotional. This is how I've talked about most of my traumas.

I had a session two weeks ago. I finally talked about it in decent detail, the entire time more and more emotion seeped through until it was all I could do not to break down. I still want to break down from it. Not only has it exhausted me, it's left me unable to function. I can't do much of anything. Today is the first I've really been able to write.

Maybe the emotional disconnect is the better course. I don't know.

[Open Eyes]

Perhaps what is hard is when you are talking about an event where you are free to emotionally connect to the event and when you allow yourself to do that it can get emotionally overwhelming. This means that you have not emotionally processed the experience. My therapist had noticed this about me and he would stop me and ask me to sit with the emotions I was experiencing and at the same time running from in my conversation.

One of the challenges with PTSD/complex PTSD is emotional regulation.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

No I haven't always been like this. I was "bubbly", compassionate, felt love, trust, but now nothing, apart from the anxiety.

I just feel numb and think maybe both my T and I are giving up on it being different for me.

I would like to grab back the old me, but at least it is better how I am now, rather than being "hijacked" by that self destructive part of my brain.

I do feel truely broken.

I was the same way not anywhere near the person I've become. I always thought with age there was growth and wisdom to look forward to and not living in a glass jar for the rest of my years.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

How I always talked about it, if I could bare to do that much, was always vague and unemotional. This is how I've talked about most of my traumas.

I had a session two weeks ago. I finally talked about it in decent detail, the entire time more and more emotion seeped through until it was all I could do not to break down. I still want to break down from it. Not only has it exhausted me, it's left me unable to function. I can't do much of anything. Today is the first I've really been able to write.

Maybe the emotional disconnect is the better course. I don't know.

No the emotional disconnect is just avoiding addressing the pain we still harbor. I've often said if therapy is not uncomfortable and a little or a lot painful it's not helping. You have to make yourself very vulnerable to work through this pain. Bring yourself to a place where past ideas of how to handle this are not a valid point. Just my opinion though. If we want to get better we have to go through the pain again and hopefully have better tools to deal with it this time.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Perhaps what is hard is when you are talking about an event where you are free to emotionally connect to the event and when you allow yourself to do that it can get emotionally overwhelming. This means that you have not emotionally processed the experience. My therapist had noticed this about me and he would stop me and ask me to sit with the emotions I was experiencing and at the same time running from in my conversation.

One of the challenges with PTSD/complex PTSD is emotional regulation.

I agree. But you have to ask yourself if avoiding this emotional connection worked for so long, why would I want to change things?

[Trace14]

It's an ongoing battle between forgetting and remembering.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Trace14

It's an ongoing battle between forgetting and remembering.

My head tells me, that "I" am my best therapist. Maybe an external T is purely a guide, an anchor, that "I" am the one that knows the pace to set, that the disconnection from emotions and memories, is a useful tool, to protect against overload / overwhelm.

Like undoing a knot from a piece of rope, if you pull too hard, the knot gets tigher. The way to untangle it, is with care, gentleness, slowly unravelling, easing it in different directions.

When it feels too hard, feeling that the knot cannot be untied, T giving encouragement, challenging me not to give up when it feels too hard, looking at the knot together, fathoming what would happen if I tried to wriggle that bit there. Ultimately, it being my knot to solve.

However when the knot has been there a long time, it is harder to undo, the threads of the rope, moulded together. Yet to function as a piece of rope, the knot serves no purpose, an obstacle. So the will to untangle it remains.

Even when it is untied, there remains a little kink in the knot, evidence of where it had been tied. But largely, the rope would resemble a rope without a knot.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

My head tells me, that "I" am my best therapist. Maybe an external T is purely a guide, an anchor, that "I" am the one that knows the pace to set, that the disconnection from emotions and memories, is a useful tool, to protect against overload / overwhelm.

Like undoing a knot from a piece of rope, if you pull too hard, the knot gets tigher. The way to untangle it, is with care, gentleness, slowly unravelling, easing it in different directions.

When it feels too hard, feeling that the knot cannot be untied, T giving encouragement, challenging me not to give up when it feels too hard, looking at the knot together, fathoming what would happen if I tried to wriggle that bit there. Ultimately, it being my knot to solve.

However when the knot has been there a long time, it is harder to undo, the threads of the rope, moulded together. Yet to function as a piece of rope, the knot serves no purpose, an obstacle. So the will to untangle it remains.

Even when it is untied, there remains a little kink in the knot, evidence of where it had been tied. But largely, the rope would resemble a rope without a knot.

Good visual analogy! Yes it is our knot to untie, we definitely have to do the work on that. But sometimes the knot is complex and not as easy to untie as maybe a square knot. There's a lot of things that would make that knot hard to remove. Just have to keep trying though and find what works.

I avoid emotional connections whenever possible. I always try to look at things subjectively and I try to use cold logic in place of emotion.

I have a very limited energy reserve to deal with emotional B.S. I am so busy these days during the day that I simply have no desire to expend more time and energy on my feelings when I could be instead using that time and energy to make myself more productive or do something that I enjoy.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I avoid emotional connections whenever possible. I always try to look at things subjectively and I try to use cold logic in place of emotion.

I have a very limited energy reserve to deal with emotional B.S. I am so busy these days during the day that I simply have no desire to expend more time and energy on my feelings when I could be instead using that time and energy to make myself more productive or do something that I enjoy.

If that makes you feel comfortable and like the thing to do right now then by all means do it. Just know it's going to be hard to find a real peace until you deal with those emotions. But you have to be ready to do that and commit to the work before you can succeed with that. But for now do what makes you feel safe and comfortable.