[MtnTime2896]

My T, pdoc, friends, fiance and my mom don't know what to do anymore. Neither do I, so I don't hold a grudge.

Here's a little bit of what's going on:

1. My anxiety has increased exponentially. My panic attacks are more frequent and more difficult to ground myself from.

2. My hypervigilance is a lot worse, too. I can't rest because I become convinced that someone, maybe even someone I trust is coming to hurt and/or kill me.

3. My depression is really rearing its head. I can't sleep but can't muster motivation to do anything (unless it's fear based). I also can't eat.

4. I also can't eat or sleep well anymore because I've been experiencing a lot more intrusive thoughts and memories. Memories I can somewhat deal with but the thoughts are overwhelmingly violent and traumatizing in and of themselves. These images get into my head and make me panic and obsess that they've either already happened or will. They get into my dreams too and cause some pretty bad nightmares.

5. After doing alright for a bit, I've begun hallucinating again. It gets worse as my anxiety increases I've noticed. It's also contributing to my lack of sleep and my difficulty to eat.

6. My urges to self-harm are at a very high extreme. Anything for relief, that's all I want.

7. My suicidal thoughts that have never really gone away are at an all-time high. I can't stop thinking about it, planning it and obsessing over it. It doesn't bring me any relief to write it down or talk about it, so I won't go into detail.

At this point my T is talking about a long-term hospital stay upstate. He won't force me, though. He says I have to agree to it before he starts the process. It's a big decision for me and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I'm really ****ing scared. I hate feeling this way and I just need it to end. Other than the hospital idea, no one seems to be offering any other options. And I don't think I can afford the hospital.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this all out. I don't know what to do from here. And I feel so alone right now.

I need some help.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

My T, pdoc, friends, fiance and my mom don't know what to do anymore. Neither do I, so I don't hold a grudge.

Here's a little bit of what's going on:

1. My anxiety has increased exponentially. My panic attacks are more frequent and more difficult to ground myself from.

2. My hypervigilance is a lot worse, too. I can't rest because I become convinced that someone, maybe even someone I trust is coming to hurt and/or kill me.

3. My depression is really rearing its head. I can't sleep but can't muster motivation to do anything (unless it's fear based). I also can't eat.

4. I also can't eat or sleep well anymore because I've been experiencing a lot more intrusive thoughts and memories. Memories I can somewhat deal with but the thoughts are overwhelmingly violent and traumatizing in and of themselves. These images get into my head and make me panic and obsess that they've either already happened or will. They get into my dreams too and cause some pretty bad nightmares.

5. After doing alright for a bit, I've begun hallucinating again. It gets worse as my anxiety increases I've noticed. It's also contributing to my lack of sleep and my difficulty to eat.

6. My urges to self-harm are at a very high extreme. Anything for relief, that's all I want.

7. My suicidal thoughts that have never really gone away are at an all-time high. I can't stop thinking about it, planning it and obsessing over it. It doesn't bring me any relief to write it down or talk about it, so I won't go into detail.

At this point my T is talking about a long-term hospital stay upstate. He won't force me, though. He says I have to agree to it before he starts the process. It's a big decision for me and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I'm really ****ing scared. I hate feeling this way and I just need it to end. Other than the hospital idea, no one seems to be offering any other options. And I don't think I can afford the hospital.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this all out. I don't know what to do from here. And I feel so alone right now.

I need some help.

Good to see you again. Sounds like you have a lot going on. Do you have any physical issues going on? The good thing about going to the hospital on your own accord is that you can leave. But try not to, even if it gets tough, work through it, with the people there. It's what they are there for. That's a big discussion in my group right now is that we can't keep these memories alive in our heads without dealing with them and that it's going to be very hard but we HAVE to do it. Or else we can't move forward. But we have to do it in a safe and supervised manner, to keep us safe. So maybe a hospital would be a good choice where you could just focus on you.
How far would the hospital be from your family? Could they come visit? Or would it be better if they didn't, just maybe phone calls or something. For me it would be harder to see them and them leave than to just talk on the phone, like being on vacation and say see you when I get back I have a terrible time with goodbyes.

[MtnTime2896]

I've been physically ill. I can't keep food down. That or it runs right through me (when I do eat). I think my nerves are shot and it's just causing an upset stomach. I've also had a lot more headaches and have been exceptionally fatigued. All of this can be chalked up to everything I listed above.
The hospital that my T wants is pretty far. At least three hours away. If anyone did see me, it wouldn't be often. I haven't been too keen on having visitors in the past. It makes it harder for me to stay at a hospital rather than being home.

Again, though, I don't know how viable the hospital is as an option. If my insurance doesn't pick it up, then I definitely can't go because it's way too much money.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I've been physically ill. I can't keep food down. That or it runs right through me (when I do eat). I think my nerves are shot and it's just causing an upset stomach. I've also had a lot more headaches and have been exceptionally fatigued. All of this can be chalked up to everything I listed above.
The hospital that my T wants is pretty far. At least three hours away. If anyone did see me, it wouldn't be often. I haven't been too keen on having visitors in the past. It makes it harder for me to stay at a hospital rather than being home.

Again, though, I don't know how viable the hospital is as an option. If my insurance doesn't pick it up, then I definitely can't go because it's way too much money.

The reason I asked is that sleep has been a big problem for me and when I don't sleep I feel horrible on all levels. I have sleep apnea, but I never wake up feeling rested, it's like a slept maybe an hour and got up. I have had these bouts of legs moving in bed waking myself up running in the bed. My doctor gave me something for Restless leg syndrome, I never thought about it. Last night was my first dose and today I woke up feeling rested, haven't felt like that in years, kind of scared me So try to work on that sleep and find out what the real issues are. I will see if this feeling better is a fluke or not tonight and tomorrow. I hope it stays around.

[SoupDragon]

I hope your insurance will cover a stay in hospital, it seems as if you are having a really tough time at the moment and maybe more intensive support will help you right now.

Take care.

[MtnTime2896]

That's great news Trace. I hope it's not a fluke.

Thanks SoupDragon, I hope they do too.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

That's great news Trace. I hope it's not a fluke.

Thanks SoupDragon, I hope they do too.

I guess we will see tomorrow

Keep us posted about what happens with the hospital/insurance, if you want to Just want the best for you. Are you taking any medications?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I guess we will see tomorrow

Keep us posted about what happens with the hospital/insurance, if you want to Just want the best for you. Are you taking any medications?

Just ativan

[BrownHat22]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

My T, pdoc, friends, fiance and my mom don't know what to do anymore. Neither do I, so I don't hold a grudge.

Here's a little bit of what's going on:

1. My anxiety has increased exponentially. My panic attacks are more frequent and more difficult to ground myself from.

2. My hypervigilance is a lot worse, too. I can't rest because I become convinced that someone, maybe even someone I trust is coming to hurt and/or kill me.

3. My depression is really rearing its head. I can't sleep but can't muster motivation to do anything (unless it's fear based). I also can't eat.

4. I also can't eat or sleep well anymore because I've been experiencing a lot more intrusive thoughts and memories. Memories I can somewhat deal with but the thoughts are overwhelmingly violent and traumatizing in and of themselves. These images get into my head and make me panic and obsess that they've either already happened or will. They get into my dreams too and cause some pretty bad nightmares.

5. After doing alright for a bit, I've begun hallucinating again. It gets worse as my anxiety increases I've noticed. It's also contributing to my lack of sleep and my difficulty to eat.

6. My urges to self-harm are at a very high extreme. Anything for relief, that's all I want.

7. My suicidal thoughts that have never really gone away are at an all-time high. I can't stop thinking about it, planning it and obsessing over it. It doesn't bring me any relief to write it down or talk about it, so I won't go into detail.

At this point my T is talking about a long-term hospital stay upstate. He won't force me, though. He says I have to agree to it before he starts the process. It's a big decision for me and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I'm really ****ing scared. I hate feeling this way and I just need it to end. Other than the hospital idea, no one seems to be offering any other options. And I don't think I can afford the hospital.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get this all out. I don't know what to do from here. And I feel so alone right now.

I need some help.

No one should have to go through this pain So Leigheas. I don't care what your thoughts say about you. Right now options seem really limited, and trying to wait it out will end up just result in these symptoms getting worse. I would certainly take the hospital stay, that way you can back out if you need to. I'm praying for you So Leigheas, stay safe

[MtnTime2896]

Thank you, BrownHat. I should be talking to my T more about this today if I can get up the courage to talk about it.

I wish there was more I could do than be a random person on the internet offering imaginary hugs. This sounds terrible, and I hope you are able to find some direction with your T soon. Take care of yourself as best you can and keep us updated.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

I wish there was more I could do than be a random person on the internet offering imaginary hugs. This sounds terrible, and I hope you are able to find some direction with your T soon. Take care of yourself as best you can and keep us updated.

Glad you are here. Just knowing others are out there and understand what we are dealing with sometimes helps a lot. Keep the hugs coming

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Just ativan

Do you feel like that is helping? Not helping enough? Maybe you need to talk to the Pdoc about how you are feeling and what medications may help you over this hump. Might be worth a try.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Do you feel like that is helping? Not helping enough? Maybe you need to talk to the Pdoc about how you are feeling and what medications may help you over this hump. Might be worth a try.

It does it's job for the most part. It helps with my anxiety when my anxiety begins to cause my head to get too loud. My head will stay pretty noisy but my anxiety is more level.

I don't know what other meds are out there that can help me. I'm worried my doc will just try another AP on me and I hate those.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

I wish there was more I could do than be a random person on the internet offering imaginary hugs. This sounds terrible, and I hope you are able to find some direction with your T soon. Take care of yourself as best you can and keep us updated.

I appreciate you just being here. And I thank you for your time. It does help to have people to talk to about this stuff.

I'm anxiously waiting to see my T now, so hopefully I come away with something today.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I appreciate you just being here. And I thank you for your time. It does help to have people to talk to about this stuff.

I'm anxiously waiting to see my T now, so hopefully I come away with something today.

Hope it goes well. Anxious to hear if it did.

[*Laurie*]

So Leigheas, Let us know how your T visit goes.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave so you'd feel well.

Take care of yourself. Do what you have to do to find stability. Do what works. If that means the hospital, and your insurance approves a stay, go for it.

[MtnTime2896]

I'll be heading to the hospital in the morning.

I don't know how I feel about this and I want to back out.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'll be heading to the hospital in the morning.

I don't know how I feel about this and I want to back out.

Awesome. Of course you are going to be apprehensive. But good for you for doing something to help you, keep that in mind that you are going there to come back a better you for your family. I'm sure it hurts them to see you struggle. Maybe you will have internet access and can talk with us Maybe not to begin with, but eventually. I've very proud of you. This has been a long time coming. I want you to feel better, I really do. Please take advantage of this opportunity, and it is an opportunity, to get better.

Yes, if you do get internet access, keep in touch. I'll lend one more ear, too. You definitely deserve some relief.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'll be heading to the hospital in the morning.

I don't know how I feel about this and I want to back out.

You have us supporting you and honestly I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think there was a chance of you getting to feel better with it. Up state may be nice this time of year. I don't know, never been to NY. You've got this, at least give it a try. But understand some of the things they ask of you are going to be hard. Whether you go through those there, or sometime in the future your trauma is something you will have to work through to feel better. Why not do it in a place where there is so many people there to help you through it. People that understand what you are going through. Not having to wait for another appointment when you are feeling so bad. There's just so many reasons to give it a try. What's the worse thing that could happen when you go there?

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Up state may be nice this time of year. I don't know, never been to NY.

Upstate (in my case central NY) NY is beautiful this time of year.

Best of luck Só leighea, I hope you get good results!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

Upstate (in my case central NY) NY is beautiful this time of year.

Best of luck Só leighea, I hope you get good results!

I thought it might be nice there. I think fall is going to be here soon.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'll be heading to the hospital in the morning.

I don't know how I feel about this and I want to back out.

I hope you went and gave this a try. But if you didn't we still love you here. Always wanting the best for you, that's all

[BrownHat22]

Hope your hospital stay is going well. I'm praying for you! Don't give up So Leigheas, you can do this!