Purposely Watching Movies That Trigger

This morning I started watching a movie on Netflix called 'Lavender'.I found it very hard to watch and very triggering from the beginning.I couldn't stop watching it though.I turned it off a few times,paused it quite a few times,having to take breaks from it.

I did watch the entire movie though.The approx. 1 & 1/2 hour movie took me about 3 & 1/2 to 4 hours to finish.It left me dissociating and extremely anxious and shaky.I'm still feeling a bit zoned/hypervigilant(yeah,both at the same time) from it.

I don't know why I purposely do this to myself sometimes.It's stupid to do this yet at times I feel compelled to.It's almost like a form of SH.

Anyone else do this?

That sometimes happens with me and it also feels like emotional self harm. It is like we are trapped there and unable to do anything but experience the "abuse". I have made some progress with it lately, sometimes an older nurturing child part is able to come out and turn it off. I love it when that happens! A couple of times she has come forward and turned it off as part of taking care of ourselves and it really does feel so much better.
Having said that last night I started binge watching a Netflix show called "________" (I can't remember) about a woman who but appears to have some PTSD and dissociaitive amnesia. Throughout the program she has flashbacks to childhood and other trauma.
Yes it very triggering, no we can't stop watching it (until 4am). Hey, maybe that is why i am so triggered today?!

I used to do it a lot. Sometimes as self harm, but sometimes as a way to "face" what happened too. It was as much a way of me working through things as it was me "hurting myself" - it depended upon the amount it showed n how much I allowed myself to see at a time.

I'm glad you have made progress with it.I don't have parts so it's up to me to turn it off,which I did do a few times just to turn it back on again.

Yep,I would bet that's probably why you're so triggered today.Hope it's not been too bad for you.

As a way to face it? Hmmm,I haven't thought of it in that way before,but I suppose that could be part of it for me too.There's a trauma anniversary coming up next month,maybe I am subconsciously trying to prepare myself for it or something.

Yea - I did it at first without realizing it... kind of like a "numbing agent" if that particular pain got too bad or ... like you said - an anniversary was approaching. But later, I did it to "understand" because I realized the more I watched it - the less severe my reactions were becoming over time. So then - I wanted to understand my own reactions. What exactly about it affected me so deeply. Can I force myself to stay "in the present" rather than flashing? Etc...

I wasn't having much luck in therapy so I started doing things I noticed helped me. That was one.

I don't know if it works for others. Only that it did for me.

Yes, I do this kind of thing sometimes (used to do it all the time). I have a mixture of shame & pleasure when watching triggering films. I think for me, it takes me to a place where I don't exactly feel safe, but I feel like I know what's expected of me - almost normal. Anything with kids getting hurt makes me very sad, but it appeals to an alter within me, who recognises it and what her role would be if she was there (how to behave like a 'good girl' & what to feel). The abuse I survived started very early & went on for so long, that pain is almost normal, and the non-abusive world seems strange to me sometimes.

I'm trying to get better at this, but it's taking a long time. The fact that I only watched the 1st episode of Game of Thrones, and never watched it again, is a testament to my improval. Refusing to watch women, children & animals being hurt in that show because of 'plot' means I'm getter better!

I hope this makes sense.

I get very upset watching rape scenes in movies and TV shows (no Game of Thrones for this girl!) to the point where it feels like I'm about to have a heart attack. Not sure why. I may have been sexually abused as a small child and repressed the memory - that's the only explanation I can come up with for why rape scenes trigger me so badly. But anyway. I forced myself to watch the remake of "The Last House on the Left" a few years ago. It was excruciating, but I wanted to prove to myself that I was emotionally strong enough to withstand it. Just out of curiosity, I went back again recently and watched only that particular scene several more times. While it never stopped being upsetting, per se, I did find that significant desensitization had occurred because I knew what was coming. I still avoid movies and shows with rape scenes because they stir up all kinds of awful emotions but feel comforted knowing that I'm at least receptive to the exposure approach (which bodes well for me in therapy trying to cope with the other traumas in my life).

Hi RubyRae,

I really like this thread! Very interesting topic. Thank you for posting it.

I get so many triggers while watching movies. For a time I couldn't watch any movies at all. I walked out of a few movies in the theaters. I would cry, or have intrusive memories, get angry and suicidal. I would regress... It was horrible.

PTSD has a way of shifting our perspective about the world and shattering our faith in humanity. In particular, it becomes a VERY scary and dark world... I found that most movies, books, news and media, further exacerbate this outlook on the world because the themes are typically so dark. Human nature is disturbing and I still shy away from it from time to time.

I think I watched triggering movies intentionally in order to feel sometime. Maybe when I was in my dissociation and numb states. I also knew that certain films and TV shows would anger me into doing something positive in order to pursue justice and hopefully change the world in ways that would prevent others from experiencing what I went through. There is merit to this technique, albeit, it needs to be done carefully and with utmost respect for ourselves and the pain we endure.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I have been watching the Hallmark channel thinking cheery,light Christmas movies would be fine.

Nope,even those are triggering.It's difficult to watch all the family gatherings,all the close,loving families,etc.

Maybe I should just stick to listening to music for awhile,as long as it's not Christmas music.

Just thought I would update,

I just stumbled on something interesting. Apparently there was a PTSD sufferer who was so sick of being triggered by movies on Netflix that she made an app that warns viewers of potential triggers!!! Sooo cool!

The name of the app is "Feerless."

It is a google chrome extension, perhaps also for mobiles.

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

Only problem is everything can be a potential trigger, just depends on the person. I get very upset watching Romance movies because it's like peering through a misty window into a world where love exists, but I still feel compelled to watch because I love the idea of love even if the reality is always something else. I doubt she would add Romcoms to the trigger app (and am not suggesting she does)

Totally know what you mean about romance themes. I always feel lonely. It reminds me of my therapist and I miss her and feel instant emptiness and loneliness to the point where suicide comes into my mind.

Apparently the app allows it's users to mark triggers on a cloud system and specify what them they fall under. And depending on what your triggers are - you can specify which types of triggers you want to be warned about. Pretty cool idea, I know very little about it still but it sounds like it could be effective.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

sometimes if I am feeling really low and numb, I do it just to see if I can still feel something.

their's a movie called, " to save a life", and I know I shouldn't watch it- it deals with lots of issues, and triggers really bad helusinations

but I use it as a last resort.. if I can't feel anything, I watch that

Thanks - OK that sounds more useful than I first thought