[Rhiannonsmoon]

I have a daughter who is a paranoid schizophrenic, her father is a sociopath, she is on meds now and is living quite positively apparently but we have no contact. She fully and completely believes that I harmed her as a child. Though I didn't and she used to plan my death and her pretense at being totally distraught (I found a letter she wrote to me) telling me how she has planned everything. She went to my employer with her claims and I lost my job. She told everyone in town and I was treated like a pariah. To my face she was loving.

There were so many knives in my back I couldn't lean on a wall. People who used to be friends refused to even look at me, I didn't exist. She then promptly left town.

No matter what throughout my whole life my father was insistent on integrity. We were schooled in it as well as other very particular ideals, and in less than a month she destroyed my life completely. The reason? I ruined her life by refusing to marry her father all she wanted was for us to be back together as a family. I told her I left him for a reason, he was meanly cruel he tried to make me abort her, he didn't want a child. But apparently I ruined her life so she decided to ruin mine.

A couple of years later I had to take my grandson away from her because she was abusing him terribly, physically and mentally, emotionally worst of all. He lived with me for some years and then she wanted to rebuild a relationship with him and refused to do so while he was with me (I was the one person she couldn't snow or fool). So he was taken away from me and I had him on holidays only. My heart broke. She left him again for 7 years with piecemeal contact, breaking his heart. Waited until we were close again and then came in again and took him away again, aided every time by a ridculous family services commission.

This is the thing that now has broken my heart. He was doing well until she came back in and he has now been diagnosed as sociopathic. And she told me and others that she has done it all very deliberately. Her only desire was to ruin me completely. And she has and continues to do so. She told mum and brother the same story, they believed her. Sister knew better and didn't believe her. But one person wasn't enough to stop all the others from believing her stories.

I have mdd, gad, agoraphobia, panic attacks and recently diagnosed as DID. Physically I have epilepsy and fm & ms, diabetes, psoriasis (since I was 3). My old doctor believes that they are firmly originated from stress (he is a holistic dr and believes mind and body are inextricably linked in illness). Wow haven't discussed this for quite a while.

Since he has had more contact with her he is no longer speaking to me and it is probably the one thing that is still pushing me to take my life. He was the one I was living for. I have a fight there because I have died twice and promised I wouldn't take my life, that I would live until I was called home. Life is so incredibly painful and I will think twice before I come back here again. The world is beautiul but the people in it can be so intensely cruel.

[Onward2wards]

(((((Rhiannonsmoon)))))
Thanks for posting this. After all you've been through, you are still one of the people who care. That made me seriously think.

I finally understand why, when the world seems so dark and we so small, it is important to carry on. It's because someone has to. If we let the world at its worst and most confusing bury us, any good we can possibly give and receive in the future gets buried too. I finally "get it" - it actually costs more to let hope die than it does to give pain and chaos the middle finger and keep on going.

I've had this pessimistic outlook about things myself for too long. I'm not sure I can even be depressed about the world anymore, because the cost for me, you, others is not worth it. There's some defiant little spark inside that won't let things stay that bad. And I very much want to see it live. What you and others on PC have taught me is, the world can be cruel, but the people in it can be so intensely beautiful.

[Black Moon]

Rhiannonsmoon you seem to be an amazingly strong and forgiving person. I feel like such a "fraud" complaining about the issues I am having with my daughter although I can see a future similar to yours with her. I feel for you I really really do but taking your life is not the answer. I lost my sister to suicide 3 years ago and the devastation and hurt she left behind still makes me angry. I have contemplated suicide many many many times and tried (although think it was more an attention thing) on a number of occassions but I cannot even begin to imagine how bad something must be to actually pull the trigger like she did.

I saw a medium after her death and she said no matter how we die we all go to heaven and that this is actually hell and I am inclined to believe her. Especially after reading what other people have gone through in life.

I have only been a member for 2 days but can see you contribute a lot to this forum. I really wish there was a way to ease your pain. Hugs

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((onward2wards & black moon))))))))

Thank you both so much for reading my thread. I have never been able to give up. When I died, I did so for a long time and I came back changed irrevocably. We don't actually all go to heaven though we all have that opportunity. There is no judgement made on us, except that which we make on ourselves.

The one thing that stayed with me was the peace I felt when I was there, and unfortunately it is that peace that calls me. I was told what I had to do, a work if you like, and I accepted that without reservation. I promised I wouldn't end my life early. I don't judge others for taking their lives but I won't do it, and that is what is so hard at times, I know I can't do that.

I can never turn my back on that boy and I will be here as long as I can in case he turns around and wants my love and my help. I know how life is hard for him because I know his mother. And he is battling with abandonment and rejection from everyone in his life. Not from me. At one point a couple of years ago he tried to make me promise not to die until he was 44. I told him I'd try not to but I couldn't promise that. I felt him pull away ever so slightly because I have never broken a promise to him this far and maybe he started to pull away so that when I go he didn't hurt so much, I don't know.

But thanks again for reading and in a sense listening, I appreciate it,

Hugs,

Rhiannon

[REINE D AMOUR]

rhiannonsmoon ,dear iam sorry for your pain ,but inspite of all your problems i know that you are strong ,i can see this every day here ,

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Thank you dear ((((((((REINE))))))))

I thank you for your support, I really really appreciate it

[RomanSunburn]

Thank you for posting, Rhiannonsmoon. I don't have any advice to offer you, but you are extremely strong and caring, and I appreciate everything you say on the forums. I wish there was more I could say, but there really isn't. I just want you to know you have my support and thoughts.

[Belle1979]

just wanted to give you cuddles (((((((Rhian)))))))

[madisgram]

Rhiannonsmoon, you express yourself so well. i'm sending a to you. you've suffered a lot but continue to move forward. that is a good exanple for me to follow today. i hope that in your lifetime you and your grandson will find the peace you both deserve and can be together as it was intended to be all along. i truly believe this.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

((((rhiannonsmoon))))...stay strong...

[DancingAlone]

(((((((((((((((((Rhiannonsmoon)))))))))))))))))))

i am deeply humbled by your post. you are a beautiful example to us all to never ever give up. i feel that call to "peace" too but i refuse to listen. it's not time yet.

you really touched me with this. i thank you. i had just posted elsewhere about my lost sense of hope, but an angel immediately led me here to your words of hope (i have never even been to this forum before).

if all else fails, we at least all have each other here at PC. thank you so much.

a symbol of our support of each other here at PC

[sanityseeker]

You are an inspiration. I will charish the gift of of being led to cross paths with you. Blessing beautiful lady.

[sunsetsunrise]

(((((Rhiannon and wonderful people who live with you ))))) I just found this thread, one month after it was written. My heart is so deeply sorry for this heartache you write about. I cannot imagine the circumstances you speak of. Yes, as others have said, you are strong for sure. The heart of a mum and grandmother can be so wounded when a child or grandchild turns away. Much more wounded when they turn away with so much force. I think the best thing about any one of us is our heart. And yet it is the very thing that can hurt the most when it is wounded. Bessings for you my dear friends.