[shezbut]

I am confused!

Some days, I am nearly giddy with my boyfriend. So happy, hopeful and filled with a wonderful sense of peace. I feel at ease with him. I feel happy with my place in this world.

Then I see my daughters. When I drop them off with my ex-husband, I fall into a deep sense of gloom. I lose all hope. I become bitter ~ the word "love" sends chills down my spine. Not in a good way. Just a sense of deep despair. I always avoid talking about my future.

I do avoid being alone for long. Just a couple of days ago, I was incredibly anxious. My heart pounded all day, anxiety stirred inside, not good. Even though I was hungry, I couldn't muster up the determination to make or buy food to eat. I'd rather feel my tummy growl than . I don't understand it. I felt like I did years before I was finally diagnosed and began being treated for epilepsy. So, you can imagine my panic that I was having seizures. What a mess!!

[trixielou]

wow this is how i feel. my husband and i have been separated for over 3 months & my mental state went downhill & he got custody of the kids which at first was a relief but its like i miss them so much but i cant mentally deal with them. my own family hates me except for my dad who is now living with me. my hubbys mom died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago & i was there a lot & today they told me they didnt want me there. with the food thing i know exactly how u feel i dont wanna go get anything fix anything i would just rather be hungry. i hate everyone (atleast thats the way i feel at the moment) everything i hate myself im feel so lonely & rejected manipulated i feel like my kids even hate me im not worth anything right now i feel so low its scary just want to say ur not alone & i know the up & down spikes in how u feel can be pure hell

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by shezbut

...
Some days, I am nearly giddy with my boyfriend. So happy, hopeful and filled with a wonderful sense of peace.
...
When I drop them off with my ex-husband, I fall into a deep sense of gloom. I lose all hope. I become bitter...

... Just a couple of days ago, I was incredibly anxious. My heart pounded all day, anxiety stirred inside...

Whenever I've felt more than one way, especially about the same person or situation, what's worked best for me has been to include it all: to acknowledge that I did feel all of those ways whether they seemed to "go together" well or not. If I liked someone, for instance, that didn't mean I couldn't also dislike them. More important, even if I felt as if I had to be headed for disaster, that didn't mean I couldn't still have a good time dancing on the brink.

Your mileage may vary.

[shezbut]

Thank you trixielou

It's nice to know that you can understand my perspective on parenting and marriage ~ but sad that you have struggled with similar emotions. Unfortunately, those highs and lows have continued with my girls too. Thank goodness for the highs!! I try to remind myself of them when we're having an "off" day.

And, believe me, those days will always be there. Throwing salt into the wound is my guilt. My own values that I'm the mommy. I'm supposed to be with one with primary custody of the girls. When people find out that I'm single, and have kids, they automatically become sympathetic & talk about how difficult it is to be a single mom. I assume that they have a mental image of "woe is me" kind of mommy ~ "she (me)has all of these responsibilities and (I) has to find work...how and why?!" The guilt that I feel becomes tormenting! The sad fact is that I can't be the primary provider, despite my beliefs and desires. The evil and demented side of myself likes to remind me of the way things could have been.

Hope that you don't let that evil side get too far into your mind. Talking myself out of that perspective isn't easy at all. You're welcome to PM me if you're looking for a shoulder or perspective some time. Best wishes and gentle hugs to you trixielou!

[shezbut]

Fool Zero,

Thank you for reminding me that it isn't unusual to feel a variety of emotions at one time....and even possible those different emotions towards the same person. It's like schoolwork to get glued into my memory! Learning new things ~ it can take a while.

Thanks!

[trixielou]

i just feel more than exhausted like i could go to bed now 7 east time and sleep til i dun know. one thing i was thinkin is im used to an afternoon nap which i havent gotten the past 2 weeks judgmental people who cant understand why mommy let daddy get the kids and my mom even saying well u got what u wanted didnt u saying i dont want them anyway yeah i just keep the roads so hot chasin this and that Plleease! past 2 weeks its just been one thing after another phone calls doctors school social security issues & my mother in law raised my 13 year old cuz i was so very messed up in my 20s so basically im her birth mom but her real mom is dead. so ive just now come back to my own home after week & a half. omgosh just lookin at everything im puttin down here just made me think man no wonder why i feel like walkin dead. im like u though i cant stand to be alone for any amount of time cuz i just kind of sit there & stare out the window & then anxiety mixes with it. tomorrow after school flu shots 4 kids & then trick or treat. people without mental or emotional illness dont understand that it doesnt take a lot well like for me to just wear me down & make me think "crazy" & things that are supposed to be fun times like trick or treat im dreading. i hope u guys are hangin in i used to come on here quite a bit but i just recently started coming here again im glad i did it helps me to feel not alone