In 5 days

In 5 more days.. on the 6th of November it will be my sister's first wedding anniversary.. it is also exactly one year since Mark told me he didn't love me anymore (yeah great day for him to tell me!! - I didn't go to the wedding but have a constant reminder when my sister celebrates!).

This yeah has flown by - time heals right? Then why are my emotions still all over the place.

I just want to cry, scream and curl up into a little ball and hide from the world. I am one year older than when my life fell apart and so far have not trully succeeded in putting it back together.

The emotions I am feeling are/seem rational - the sadness, frustration, anger, desparation and fear. Well perhaps not the fear

I thought my life was getting back into a manageable state.. then Louis.

Why do emotions and feelings have the power to hurt so deeply? How do you stop feeling?

Hello, Bel. You have been blessed with the ability to experience emotions deeply.

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Blessing or curse?

Thanks Byz.

I can't stop crying today I feel like I am exactly where I started.

I hate my life and I hate me. I try so hard to be posititve and it is exhanusting.

You're no where near in the same place, hun. You've experienced joy and sadness and traveled a bit further down the road......it's just a start not the end. You have many more memories to make.

You are one step closer...you are loved. Rest... try not to hurry.

Dearest ((((Belle))))....it hurts to allow a person in to the secret place that is yet a garden with tender flowers ...doesn't it?They are not careful...sometimes our flowers are trodden upon.....I am trying to build a walkway through my hearts garden darling.But the path stones are heavy...so hard to carry and to know where to set them down.I have begun building the wall back up around my garden.Hopefully it will be stronger.Included will be stones of self love,good deeds...learning,self discovery.My heart is broken too and I really do not think the pain fully recedes.I do not think I have ever loved in this way b4.I don't think it passes.It may get easier.Maybe if we keep trying to do things to be well ...and to look inside and find our little packages of self worth and fondle the sweeter of the memories we have loved and built.Noone can take that from you.(((Belle)))).....Please find me if you need me.Are you alright now? Resting?...Are you taking good care of you hun?.....WO.olfie

hi belle, i think it takes time for hurt or sad emotions to become less intense. it's like grieving for someone who died. as time moves forward it becomes less intense. so try not to be so hard on how you are feeling. it's a natural thing. as for how to stop feeling...well then life would be flat don't you think? course i realize this is a difficult time for youbut time will heal your heart. it's ok to let those feelings out. i get in a quiet place and allow myself to cry until i can't cry anymore. i acknowledge my pain. i envision my hurting self as a friend that i am trying to comfort. i assure her that things will get better because things will get better. i don't know why it helps but it does.
meanwhile we care about you and know we are here for you

Wolf writes with such beauty and Madi has such wise words. Trust your friends and take comfort that we care.

As Byz said ....loving deeply is a blessing. Do you want to love "kinda sorta" or be loved that way? I would think life would be very ordinary if that were the case. You are no ordinary girl and deserve an extraordinary life.

(((((((Muser)))))))~~~~Gracious of you.....Thank You so much....WO.olf

deepest heart felt thanks to you all.
Wolfsong, as Muser says - you wrote beautifully and its how I feel. It also reminded me of a childhood book, The Secret Garden, think I will have to track down a copy and read it again.
Madi - thank you.

I does mean a great deal to know that everyone here cares.

I have just woken up after 11 hours of sleep - hiding perhaps? I am not sure but i feel better for it.

Just a another bump in the road? I hope so. I can't believe that a year has passed and not so long has passed after Louis. I am a strong person and have overcome much in my life. I can do this, just the memories haunt me during the day and also when I sleep. Dreams that feel so alive and real.

Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks xxx

Indeed you CAN overcome...and DAM the memories and the dreams ehh?~W~

Thanks W the memories can stay I guess.. can't seem to remove them anyway! *sarcastic LOL*

We can build dreams with someone new maybe?

I had Yoga last night and I ALWAYS feel better afterwards (sore but content)... going to concentrate on enjoying the small things in life - well try too!

I didn't think about him yesterday.. i didn"t feel down.. I just felt like me!

I would still like to be able to become someone different.. someone who doesn't care so much.. someone who can wash away negative thoughts when they have a shower.. but its not me. Maybe I can just become someone who knows what she is and learns to take the ups and downs in her stride?

My life just gets stranger and stranger... My ex who I moved to Perth from Melbourne to get away from (not in a bad way, just that I was having a breakdown when the relationship ended) is now moving to Perth with his wife and kids...
This is my state! He's not allowed over here I know it's unlikely that I will run into him but still I hate it.
And a really wierd thing - I chose a name (if we ever had kids) when I was 16.. it was just made up.. Oaklee - last part being my middle name... and thats what they named their first little girl...

On to the other side of things.. am not sure if this in constructive thinking or what... Do I hold on to past relationships because it's a safety barrier? I held on to Mark right up until I felt something special for Louis.. and I didn't open my heart until I was sure that I felt something (and believed that there was feelings fully returned).. will I do the same thing now? am I doing the same thing now? I still miss him thats for sure..but I know that I miis the fact that I am not in a relationship and happy more than anything else.
There is a lot of guys that want to met me, get to know me - that has never been the issue.. the issue is me. I don't want to met them, I push them away with words like "I'm not ready", " I am still getting over my ex" and "I want to take things very very slowly".
Am I protecting myself or letting myself wallow in self pity?
Am I keeping my distance until I feel the spark.. love and the dream again?
How can I feel that when I refuse to go out and even have coffee with them?

One more day and then it will be exactly one year.. Please let me get through this one day

you can't kill grief. You will have to let it go through its cycle. You will be fine. All the best people in the world have great struggles. One day you will have a great story for a biography or something.

Thank you pps6

You are stronger than you think. With this behind you , it is now a memory....some of which is still pleasant. It doesn't define who you are.

One more step in the rest of your life. Wishing you the very best life!!

Dearest ((((((((((((Belle))))))))))))

I am so sorry I wasn't here to read this. It hurts to know you are feeling this way, but I know it's understandable after what Mark did to you, then Louis.

Your beauty isn't just skin deep Belle, it goes so very much deeper than that. I see those little fish that never stray far from the sand on the ocean floor, bubblling past me as I think about how deep your beauty goes.

And it hurts to think that someone hurt you that way; that someone didn't get it, just followed his mistaken feelings into a relationship that won't last because he didn't invest the time and emotion he should have. But that will be, IS his loss.

You however are free to experience and feel whatever you choose. One day you will put this behind you enough to give it the one occassional thought, with sadness for what might have been, only to come up smiling at what you have, that very happy and pleasant life you will build and never take for granted.

You ARE Belle, beauty in all ways, I am blessed to have you as one of my friends

I can't say thank you enough Rhiannon... Tears in my eyes and my heart after reading what you wrote.
You are a beautiful person and I thank you for every kind word.

Well the day passed and i was so busy with my nephews that I was good

I still have the occasional thought about Louis.. hate that I have no answers to what went wrong there..... other than trying to acknowledge that my T is right and I didn't do anything WRONG..

I have my first overseas holida coming up.. so nervous but starting to get excited too...

I still miss Lou.. he was the one that was meant to be on this trip with me
But am doing it to get myself out of my shell!