[LittleForgetMeNot]

I miss my Dad so much it's getting unbearable.. In fact I'm crying now just thinking about it.. yet he's always just across the room from me. I feel so far away from him.. at such a great emotional distance. I miss my Dad spending all night home with me and only me. I miss being carried by him into my bedroom, and saying "I love you" every night. I miss making art work and having him post it on the walls for everyone to see. I miss coming home with a 100% on a test, feeling so happy because I know my Dad was going to be proud of me.. I miss crying because I had gotten one C on a report card full of As, because I felt like I had failed him. I miss making him proud, and I miss him being my best friend and my hero, and the only thing I'll ever need.

Now all I do is make him sad for me.. make him worry.. I disappointed him in every way imaginable.. Everything he's ever taught me is going to waste as I struggle with the basics of life.. things that I had been able to do without thinking before. He works so much and I'm so ungrateful. He tries his best but I stilll get mad when he gets it wrong..

I miss being the "perfect daughter".. now I'm just a big monster.

Hello, LittleForgetMeNot. What do you think about showing your Dad your post?

[billieJ]

dear littleforgetmenot,

I HEARD you. Dad's voice decreases as he ages, and I am also no longer the perfect daughter. I am also no longer the monster I once was, and I imagine you are not either. It's sad to watch life and the withering of it happening, but I believe in eternity. I, too, wandering if showing your posting to your Dad would prompt him to say something, so that you would know that he is still the same for you, in his heart.

Blessings,
billieJ

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I don't think I could show him. My Dad was and still is my hero and he saved me from a life of misery.. but that life of misery caught up with me and the depression hit as I started becoming aware of life and how people are. I got caught up with emotions and isolated myself.. thinking (as all teenagers do) that no one understood me and I was alone in the world. I'm getting out of it, and my Dad is returning to his place as my guardian and my oasis, but.. It was easier when I was little and my feelings were simple and innocent.. now I'm full of many things I'd love to say, love to apologize about, regrets and such.

I feel the distance, and I know he does too. He's told me before how through those years I pushed him away, and how it hurt him to see me the way I am. Plus.. I can feel it. My Dad and I are very similar in many ways and I just know how he's feeling by looking at him or talking to him.. or even just being in the same room. I know that my actions, my depressed mood and my deteriorating academic life hurts him, but I've fallen into that trap and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

I don't know where the save of sudden negativity came from however.. one moment I was watching some show about meerkats and the next I was bawling about my Dad..

Maybe opening up to your Dad would help you both?

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I dunno.. He was raised in an abusive family so he's always had trouble expressing his feelings.. I have trouble as well.. I'm always scared of getting embarrassed or looked down upon..

Change always has an element of risk. Is getting closer to your Dad worth the risk?

[Quaint]

I also did had better relationship with my dad when I was younger, I was always more closer to him than my other sisters, we used to spend a lot of time together.
But now I left to study to other country and it kills me that we don't talk much now anymore. And it also kills me that I've never done anything to make him proud, I've never done any good in school, I'm not doing too well in uni either... He has done so much for me (and of course for his other daughters and his wife as well) but I've never done anything for him... At least what I could do is make him proud, but ...

I know what you mean about being scared of getting embarrased.
I mostly have trouble with telling people that I love them... I've never told any of my parents that I love them, and I do love them very much, but ... I can't tell those words and I've no idea why... I just feel so vulnerable when I think about telling them that...

And I know that it's not really in the topic, but that's why I also have trouble getting closer to other people, I think this is one of the reasons I feel like I'm pushing everybody away from me, especially guy's... I'm just afraid that one day they might hurt me, leave me... I don't want to experiece that...

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Change always has an element of risk. Is getting closer to your Dad worth the risk?

Well.. the problem is that I do risk it and I usually get shut down. I know he doesn't mean too.. but it happens. My mother started playing her games on me today and it sent me off and when I went to talk to my Dad about it he told me just not to worry about it; as that was what he does. I know that is the most logical answer.. but he is her ex husband and I'm her child. This is happening to me directly and he's not longer in the line of fire anymore.. Plus he's 40+ and I'm 15 and while I know he knows what's best as he's already been through it all, I'm not as capable to shut own my emotions so easily.

We spoke a lot today, and he is like me.. we talk a lot.. and tend to take over the conversation. When we talk it usually ends up in a huge discussion on the world and how life works and how people are (he's studied religion, science, and psychology A LOT so these conversations aren't just piles of bs and they do help sometimes).. but I wanted to talk about my issues with ex friends, and every time I got into it a little he would take over and over-explain for the hundredth time things I already knew. I listened regardless and I love our talks.. but he usually talks over me and things I wanted to say gets forgotten.. especially since, in a matter of seconds, the conversation moves onto other things.

There was one time a few weeks ago when I got so frustrated that I snapped.. I yelled out in the middle of his sentence and said "Why don't you ever listen to me?!" My tone was harsh and uncalled for.. and it shut down the conversation right then and there.. I can't seem to get out my honest feelings unless I'm mad.. which only makes him upset and sets us further apart..

[madisgram]

lfmn, i think what's frustrating and hurting you is your father doesn't seem to VALIDATE your feelings. and we all have them/feelings. i had somewhat the same problem with my father when i was your age. right down to failing him in his expectations of me. i adored him so it made me feel "less than" and i felt he pulled his love away. he was not a bad man but his love was conditional. all of this was explained to me in therapy, the dynamics of not being validated especially by those we felt close to in the past. once i became a parent i fixed this in a way by always "listening" to my son. we all need to be respected this way i believe.
i'm sorry you have to feel you're not being heard or your feelings be disregarded. i hope you know you are being heard here at pc. i don't know if talking about this with him would help since you've tried already. have you considered writing him a letter and expressing how it/he makes you feel? if you do this try to use the "I" word rather than pointing the "you" word at him. like I feel....when this happens. it hurts me...etc.
this would give him something to mull over and consider without him disregarding your feelings in person. perhaps it would have an impact on him.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by madisgram

lfmn, i think what's frustrating and hurting you is your father doesn't seem to VALIDATE your feelings. and we all have them/feelings. i had somewhat the same problem with my father when i was your age. right down to failing him in his expectations of me. i adored him so it made me feel "less than" and i felt he pulled his love away. he was not a bad man but his love was conditional. all of this was explained to me in therapy, the dynamics of not being validated especially by those we felt close to in the past. once i became a parent i fixed this in a way by always "listening" to my son. we all need to be respected this way i believe.
i'm sorry you have to feel you're not being heard or your feelings be disregarded. i hope you know you are being heard here at pc. i don't know if talking about this with him would help since you've tried already. have you considered writing him a letter and expressing how it/he makes you feel? if you do this try to use the "I" word rather than pointing the "you" word at him. like I feel....when this happens. it hurts me...etc.
this would give him something to mull over and consider without him disregarding your feelings in person. perhaps it would have an impact on him.

This is true.. and it happened again today. I have work I got to do from school as I'm not attending and he told me that he's not going to take in my finished booklets until I read the book I was given for English (though I cannot complete the assignment given with it so I don't see the point).

I'm not interested in this book.. I love reading but this book just doesn't.. we don't connect. I tried telling this to my Dad but he won't listen. I tried reading it anyway and I found out it's not just the plot that I can't get into.. it's the style of writing.. I dislike the style.. extremely.. It over-explains things that make me lose track of what I'm reading; it adds in detail that don't need to be explained. There are a few blocks of text that take up 8 lines but end up being one sentence full of commas. I got halfway through chapter two and gave up because I couldn't read it anymore.

I tried to talk to my Dad about my dislike for this book and I was ignored. He read the sentences I hated and told me it was "just a more mature way of writing" that I didn't understand. I was completely frustrated.. I study writing and take that skill seriously. I want to become an author someday and have over 6 stories on the go.. So, I feel like I know what I'm talking about when I say that sentences really shouldn't be that way. Also as the reader I think it means something if I cannot follow the story because of it.. doesn't it?

My Dad will NOT take in my work if I do not read this book. I tried reading it, I can't read it, and it's not necessary for me to read it. My guidance counselor told me that I need to bring in my finished booklets so those marks can be added to my report card and I can get more. He refuses to take the booklets in and has been for weeks now. I can't do more work unless he goes in, and the more time he takes the less work I can do so it's a lower mark for me in the end. I got upset with him and told him this. He got defensive and tempers sparked and it ended up with me in my room crying.

This is where I now hate depending on my Dad for this. I could go in and hand in my work myself but then for some reason I feel like he'll get mad at me if I do that. However I've want to go in with him so I can talk to the guidance counselor about putting me back into an alternative program.. I wanted to get in early so hopefully I can finish as many credits as I can but.. this is wasting so much time.. I don't want to talk to her without him there but he won't go unless I read that book and I guess the easiest thing to do is to just read it.. I dunno.. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed.. and seriously regretting abandoning regular high school again..

I've considered writing a letter.. well not so much.. When I'm upset and alone in my room, knowing he's not going to come in and apologize or anything I wish I was really ill and dying so he'd feel bad.. I think my deteriorating health is part of trying to get him to see me and hear me as well.. It's not working obviously.. I'm not even sure a letter would help either..