Aftermath of revealing child sexual abuse..

Hello everyone,

Sorry for posting multiple threads but there's a new developement.

So, I've already told my sister her husband sexually molested me for 7 years.

Now, I feel bad because again she indirectly taunted me to have said it earlier. I'm 27 now, this happened between ages of 11 to 17.

She always taught her daughter not to be like me, in front of me, and then they'd sit there and all laugh like it was the biggest joke of the century. It used to hurt me lots.

Now AGAIN, when i told her this yesterday, then I spoke to her again today, she said "Well, if it were my daughter, she would have told me ahead of time... I guess its just different personalities...

I'm not sure how i should take that. I didn't like it. It hurt my feelings.

I told my mom, she said it was wrong she said that, and everyone is different. And I said, maybe i shoudl tell my sister that what she did a while back (which was a big thing!), I wouldn't do, but i guess its different personalities. But ofcourse, I'm not saying that..

It kept bothering me so i said its bothering me to my mother again, and this time she just yelled at me and shouted and said "NO! you're never gonna say that to her!"

WHY IS IT FAIR THAT SHE CAN SAY ANYTHING TO ME BUT IF I SAY THE SAME THING, THERES A PROBLEM???

I even told my others sister, who's hosting this pedophile in her house that if he had done this to her daughter, would she still host him?

her response "Well, I woudln't let it happen to her because I would know..."

These are such hurtful comments, I really don't like these. What do I do? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

You're not wrong for feeling upset. My family can be the same way, I had to remove myself from them. My therapist says my mom (who says similar things to your mom and sis) is passive aggressive. They put statements like that out there but wont take accountability. I dont think there's anything that can change them or stop them because they dont see their behavior as problematic. To protect yourself, you have to establish boundaries (at leas thats what my therapist tells me to do).

Thanks Yagalada,

could you tell me how i could have established a boundry in this situation?

I look at it more as establishing boundaries with people so that situations like these are avoided. It seems (although its impossible for me to know) that you've made everything clear about what happened and your sister 1) is still with this guy and 2) isnt sympathetic to you. If I was in your position the boundary would be just not letting her into my life anymore. This is what I've had to do with my mother who has been very abusive physically emotionally and in a weird sexual way when I was younger. You have to only allow people into your world as much as to where they won't hurt you anymore (if that makes any sense, i dont think im saying it right). Maybe just deal with your sister cordially and superficially at family functions for a while. Focus on yourself.

To simplify it: a boundary is with the entire relationship, to prevent problematic situations.

I hope i'm making sense, my mind is mush today.

My brother in law abused me, my sister did not believe me I cut her out of my life and felt better for it.

However I had the backing of my mum I don't know if you will have ?

Support is easy but the healing in my opinion cannot start until we remove ourselves from the situation.

Hugs to you...

thanks Tishie! So, this is the way it is:
I have 2 sisters, my dad, my mom.
SisterA is the pedophile's wife
SisterB is the other sister.

Told SisterB a while back: she told me not to tell anyone.
Told Mom: she believed me (well actually everyone believed me because I don't lie, and they all know that).
Told Dad: he told me not to tell anyone.
Told SisterA: and she believed me but kept saying why i didnt say it before, I wasted years of her life, how this is so personal to her (more personal to her than it is to me). asking me if i had feelings for this person, etc etc. which i think is total bull. i was a kid adn i was manipulated into this.

NOW. Eventhough everyone believes me, I don't feel anyone stands up for me and tells this bastard to get lost.
SisterB: still hosts him when he visits the city.
SisterA: never left him eventhough he was so physically and verbally abusive to her, emotionally also, cheated on her, she's independent, makes her own money, and everyone supported her to leave him but she never did. ( i honestly don't expect anything from sisterA for some reason... don't know why)

So, now that I stand up for myself and confront this sicko, everyone gets angry at me! but then there's no one else standing up either. Its like a problem to STAND UP in this family. Somehow its TOO RUDE!

I love my mom but don't get my family at times.
I had left SisterA long time back because she was very emotionally abusive to me and always supported this sicko, when he emotionally used to abuse me in front of everyone.
I left SisterB the other day.. because she still continues to host this sicko in her house and she has two small kids!

I'm sorry, not sure if you get the whole situation since I used labelling... I'm also not sure how to respond at times.

Oh, then my mom also keeps telling me i'm giving her too much stress, i'm giving her too much stress, since i've come i gave her only stress. But how is it my fault? all i did was reveal what he did, and yes that will stress her but I'm not to be blamed for it.

I went through about four years of therapy for this kind of issue in the early 90s. When I was first in therapy and everything was very intense, I disclosed my trauma fairly frequently. I needed to talk about it with friends and so forth. I also confronted my family, as you did--and with similar horrible results. Even my friends had a hard time coping.

Over time I learned that it's actually kind of rough on me to disclose this stuff. It rarely makes me feel better. I can never predict the other person's reaction, for one thing, and once I've put it out there, it's out there and I have to cope with THEIR feelings and hang-ups on top of my own. So today, almost 20 years later, I rarely disclose anymore--though my husband and grown kids know and are very supportive.

I also eventually had to estrange myself from my original family. I couldn't get well and be in that family at the same time. It took several years of therapy to realize that, however. First there's the therapy for the thing itself, then you realize you can't relate to your family the same way anymore and there's that to deal with. It doesn't happen quickly--give yourself as much time as you need and try not to expect much from them.

Hang in there. It gets better! But you may never get what you want from them. In time you'll learn to get what you need and want from others and from yourself.

So sorry you are going through this. I promise you if you stick with therapy it will sort out, just maybe not the way you want right now.

Your sister who said that "she would know" if her daughter was being abused is not just insulting you, she's also insulting her parents. She's implying that she's a better mother than your Mom. And yet she is KNOWINGLY hosting a paedophile in her house.

Seriously, the way your family are treating you makes me think that they're very twisted and sick. Do you have any support system other than your family to fall back on? Ideally you need to distance yourself from people who are so toxic to you. Please don't think I'm saying that they're all bad, I don't know them... but I do know from what you've said that there's something very seriously wrong... and it's not you.

Thankyou so much Mgran! At times, I felt like I was being unreasonable when I would get angry at the fact that my sis is hosting the pedophile. My mom is extremely loving as in she does lots of things for me, but she can't give me much emotional support. Anytime i tell her something, she criticizes me and I feel attacked. She's VERY critical of me, my actions, blames me for things that aren't my fault. ex:
Space issues in the house.
her response:

UGH! since the day you landed, my house is in a mess. its never like this. you're so messy. you never clean up, you dont do this you dont do that. youve ruined my house, thsi is so shameful... etc etc.

When in reality, (she knows this in the back of her head), THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SPACE HERE!!!

And I have to go through like 11 issues daily like the one i described above with my mom, its very exhausting.

But on the other hand, i feel bad for her because she takes care of my dad all the time, he's ill. and she's worn out. so, maybe she's taking it all out on me. but she takes it out on my dad as well. it just hurts me when she does it to me, regardless of what the real reason behind it is...

I don't have a support system at all. I stopped making friends at the age of 12. My dad isolated me, kept me in the house, because he was scared i'd get pregnant and that'd ruin my life. So he jus kept me away from people, wouldn't trust me eventhough everyone knew I don't lie! and i don't! till this date. At that time, It was me against ALL of them, excluding my mom ofcourse who wouldn't know whats going on.. so i went into a shell.

I used to be a very energetic, sociable kid. But then, it just all went down and i ended up being the lonely one. I'm 27 today, still feel extremely lonely, just don't know how to be back that kid again.

I'm scared to open up to others. I also have a hard time identifying "who" is the right person to open up to and who's not. as in, who's mean and abusive and who's not...

Oh maybe i forgot to mention. My mom gets scared easily and doesn't like when this abusive pedophile becomes abusive.. so maybe thats why she ddin't want me to confront him coz she didn't want him to abuse me further?

Because now he says hes gonna go out there and spread rumors.. and my mom won't like that at all.

I would tell you the text he sent me with the threats through PM, you would LAUGH! seriously, this guy is such a nutcase! he threatened to sue me and put false allegations on me!

I'm glad that you've been able to think sympathetically about how your mother might be frightened. Even if she never does get around to "doing the right thing" in terms of confronting what happened, at least you're able to see her as a human being, vulnerable and weak, but not herself a monster. That should help your recovery. And I'm glad you're not scared of this man... that shows growth. You're very strong you know.

thanks Mgran for helping me realize that

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply....ARE, and you have a right to all of your feelings. So many times families want to deny, ignore, put their heads in the sand because they feel guilty. Do you have a therapist?

Here are 2 books that might help: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

and

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud

We all need boundaries and if they were taken away from us, we need to learn them as adults.

Thanks very much for the book suggestions Marie123!! I had a therapist for about 3 months in US but now i'm out of the country and no, i haven't been able to find a good therapist. Its quiet tough here, there is NO concept of therapy here. I mean there is, but its more like taboo... if you see a therapist, that means you're mentally unstable.

So, pC would be my support system for now and I hope to find a therapist here that I like.. but i doubt that it'd be comparable to what i had over there... *sigh*

Btw marie123, just looked up boundries by townsend and cloud, is that a religion based book?

Distressed,

Yes, Boundries provides biblically-based answers