I don't know who I am

Hey guys I have been going through a lot of mental struggles for a while now and I feel the need to write it down. I have done a few the last few days, but I thought I would post this one so that I’m not talking to myself all the time. I realize it is quite long compared to the other posts on the site so I added a quick summary at the end. Can anyone relate to this, or know what my problem(s) may be? I know you are not therapists, but I would just like to talk about things…

I don’t know who I am. I don’t do anything and I waste my life. I am too nervous and pessimistic to go out and live a life. I don’t enjoy anything I do, usually I have no good reason as to why, but I always make up an excuse. I feel vulnerable if people see the lighter side of me and I try my hardest not to show it. Even if I really enjoy something or someone, I pretend that I don’t.

I seem to be passive aggressive sometimes and will just let things sit and tear me apart on the inside. It makes me hate everything especially myself. I take out my anger in everything around me. I see no hope for me and I have mood swings where I get very angry. I feel like I am alone in the world. I am so inferior to people. I wish I was more successful, more entertaining, better looking, and more confident. I seem to only be able to focus on the bad things of people and of my life. I get angry at myself for feeling sad and depressed.

I don’t see things the way that they really are because of the mix of anxiety, anger, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. I will tell myself lies sometimes, like I am normal and I am the best basketball player out there, even when it is not true. This anger causes me to make irrational decisions and judgments. I always wait for something bad to happen or wait for someone I like to betray me. It feels as if I have some sort of victim mentality and I can’t think for myself. I worry that my opinion may be wrong, or that I may present it in a way that will make me look stupid. I want to be influential and be able to let others feel what I feel and think what I think. I have no confidence in myself.

I don’t know why I do the things I do or think the things I think. I live in a normal house with parents who love me and provide very well, yet I get angry at them all the time and dislike them. Even when I am in good moods I will take shots at people through sarcasm and I will think it is funny, even though I know it is mean. I just hate being so angry and sad all the time. I get so worked up sometimes I just start shaking and will be on the verge of tears. The pain and anger feels so real and overpowering, I just have to run around and punch things and break stuff. I live such an easy life, yet I can’t handle the simple setbacks of life.

As an example I have always been interested in Level Design, you create levels for games such as Call of Duty. I did it for a while and got decent at it but as the harder parts of the job began to show up I brushed them aside and did not learn it. Soon I found myself getting angry that my stuff was no good and looking bad. When I tried to learn more I was overcome by feelings of hopelessness and pessimism. I felt that I would never be able to learn it and I would forever be stuck making crappy levels, so I quit.

I get angry every time I fail at something. It is just one more reason that I am useless. I just make excuses for my failures and never overcome them. I want to be successful but I am holding myself back. I am afraid of failure so that when I do try things I do it alone. When I go out running I will wait until I am home alone so that people won’t ask me what I am doing and then I will start to get nervous and not be able to run. My fear of people judging me keeps me from doing and succeeding at things all the time. When I played baseball I feared that I would make an error and I would disappoint my dad, I was just waiting to make a mistake so people would get angry at me. I felt it was easier to apologize for screwing up than to try my hardest to make the play. I almost wanted people to be angry and sad at me. I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to apologize for me.

When I talk about my thoughts and feelings they sound so silly and stupid, but in my head they control me. I have lost any drive to overcome this and I am letting it take over me. I am fading away into depression and I’m not sure if I will ever be normal again.

TL;DR
Very pessimistic, tend to have a victim mentality. Try not to show lighter side of myself. Anger and anxiety skews judgment and thoughts. Unable to do things I enjoy, feel like a failure and inferior. Fear of people judging me. I expect myself to fail, slowly letting it take over me.

I know I should go see a therapist, but I just don’t know, I don’t know how to do it.

I think you are a very brave person , to tell all this and be honest with your feelings is never easy i still cant get all my feelings out though i am trying i think this was a inspiring and courageous post and its your first step to doing better i was inspired reading this if you need someone to talk to im a good listener and like to help im on here alot so you can always get me thank you for sharing this!!

Have you been to a therapist or anything before? I know you said you should see one, just was wondering if you ever spoke to one? You seem to understand quite well what you are 'going through' so that seems like a brave step in the right direction. You seem to be a very beautiful, strong, couragous, and loving person, you just need to find a way to believe that. Very wonderful post with emotion that I felt deep down inside because I struggled with A LOT of that until therapy. It never quite goes away, but therapy helps you figure out where it is coming from. All my prayers for you

I think I know what youre going through man.. speaking for myself, im usually pessimistic, i'm currently a cashier i hate talking to people. Irrelevant? Its a horrible job for me as I dont like to put on fake smiles, so i dont. I hate most people, so I hate most of the customers I ring up. I live in a big house with 4 family members, i can go days without talking to them. I dont hate them though.. Relationship-wise.. i'm talking to my ex--friendship status, but i feel like im still with her. it's also long distance so we rely on phonecalls. it seems that when i wanna talk to her, i really need to talk to her, but at the end of the day i come home exhausted from work and all i wanna do is talk to her. never picks up my calls. in the morning sometimes she might call me happy as ever.. but my mood is like F YOU.. dont even feel like talking to her. dont feel like talking to anyone. dont feel like going to work. dont feel like doing anything.

i see you like COD.. i'm a big gamer myself. takes up most of my free time.. or used to. lately, i spend most of my time looking at my ex's facebook and twitter, wondering why she wont answer my calls, texts, or call me back. even if she has to sneak it (from school/work, parenting, etc. ).. it aint hard to do and i would do the same if there was someone i love and theyre constantly on my mind. maybe she doesnt feel the way that i do..

anyways enough about me. I'm not on medication or treatment. But i like to play around with natural vitamins.. Red Korean Ginseng.. is said to calm stress.. im not sure if it works.. but i take it anyway. sorry i dont have much advice but my empathy. I hope you get through this wall that is blocking your from fully enjoying your life.

Good Morning,
There are two of you here that need to seek therapy so you can get to the bottom of why you are having these feelings.

Everything that you are saying here should be said with a therapist.
What you can do is take what you have written here and bring it to a therapist.

It sounds to me like both of you are experiencing having trouble with your self esteem and you cannot seem to find a way to build it up to where you feel comfortable around others and even within yourself.

Many people do experience this, and they often blame themselves for not being successful at it. And there are probably reasons for why you have problems with it that you don't understand or remember. Working with a therapist can help you figure this out, it is a common problem. Glad to see that you are letting it out, the frustration of it, that is a good beginning, because what you are saying is that you see that you have problems and you now know that you cannot fix it yourself, GOOD.

I want you to know that you are not alone. You may see examples of others who struggle within this site. I have posted to similar complaints and so have others, so if you would like, you can click on my statistics on my site and read my posts, along with other supportive posts. I don't really start threads, I usually just post to others questions.

Know you are not alone and that there can be a path to building your self esteem correctly.

Open Eyes

Thank you for taking time to reply everyone, I appreciate it. I'm glad I inspire you FeelingHopeful I have been writing journal entries for few months on and off and every time I make a new one I can become more honest with myself and start to see my problems more clearly. I find that it is easier to write when I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated because then I can be more upfront with my feelings and thoughts.

Brighid I have not been to a therapist yet, only my doctor who suggested that I try to find one. I know I should go but there is something holding me back from doing it, I'm not sure what it is yet but it is so much harder to change words into actions.

I understand where you are coming from Brometheus, at my work I have to work cashier sometimes and I hate having to deal with people. I usually get them in and out as quickly as possible with very little said. I also find it hard to smile even when I find things funny, I used to laugh and smile all the time, but now it feels difficult.

and thanks Open Eyes, I will check out some of your other posts.

If it helps any, I am fifty six years old, and just now found this site and have been seeing a therapist for about eight months now. I thought I was okay, depressed at times, but I'd had a rough childhood (taking care of my mom- who had paranoid schizophrenia and three younger sibs when I was fifteen) I dropped out of high school because I couldn't cope with school and home, took a babysitting job and wound up pregnant and married to get away at age eighteen....my children resent me for being a poor mother, had a very hard time with marriages and work.....to find out I have Bipolar? Geez, I wish I could have had help way back when.....whatever you have to do, go do! Please don't wake up one day at fifty something wondering what will become of your life? Feel the fear, and do it anyway Just take the first step to get help.....the rest will come.....and Brometheus, you just may win your girl back Fright, you can get the help or not, your life will go on, with or without you....I hope you choose with Please keep us posted, were here for you....