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It's one of my last posts today as I'm back to school for 4 days from tomorrow. I skipped school today with the permission of my mum. You folks have been very helpful so far and since it's been quite therapeutic to get these things off my chest so here goes one more...

Whenever I'm confronted with a problem, no matter how small - but it's particularly strong with bad situations obviously - I immediately think of suicide. No matter how small an issue my immediate instinct is to think to how I can end my life and I go on to make elaborate plans no matter where I am for how I could end it if things went wrong. That's not to say I'd actually do it but that's the first solution that comes up in my head about anything. That or a thought of myself being injured for something I'd done wrong. Does anyone else have this or is it just me? Say I trip on a chair leg in school... my immediate thought to avoid embarrassment in my head would be to imagine myself being hit by a hammer or crippled somehow as punishment. This is why my suicidal thoughts tend to get worse when I feel bad and my depression worsens. How do I stop this? How do normal people react? What can I do to alleviate this as when serious situations arise my instinct to throw myself out of a window gets really strong and thus this is why I've resorted to self harm. It was a way of acting out that self punishment in a stressful situation because I don't know how else to cope with ANYTHING. I either numb my emotions or bombard myself with irrational solutions to problems.

Hi Numpty,

I just wanted to say i've been severely suicidal in the past and used to think of that as my fail safe. i've attempted four times but have finally gotten to a point where i feel like i can reach out for help before it gets there. Taking Luvox helped with the irrational thoughts enough so that with therapy i worked on starting to change them. It takes a lot of effort and willingness to change on your part but it can be done.

love and hugs,
Tara

I have a space in my head that it pretty much always occupied with suicidal stuff - sometimes it can feel quite overwhelming, but I try to think of it as an irritating bug that has taken up residence in my head - like the worst possible itchy spot you can have on your back that you can't reach, that drives you to the point of insanity, but that you sort of just have to get used to living with.

do you have someone at school you can confide in like a guidance counselor? it's possible he/she can help you or refer you to someone for help. i feel this is something that needs to be told to a person/professional to help you. then you can discuss this with your mum. know it's hard to do but i believe she would want to know too. reach out for help.

I would but they don't have school councilors where I live in the Middle East, nor do they have helplines of any sort. I have told my mum about my urge to hurt myself but she said it's all part of my compulsive obsessive tendencies and that I wouldn't act on it - the same goes for suicide. I have SI'd but I've thrown out the scalpel heads I stole from school for that purpose so I wouldn't be tempted to do it again. Therapy isn't an option though... not until I go to the UK. But I'm afraid to go to therapy because I want to pursue a certain career and I think it will go against me if they found out I was so messed up in the head. I'm even reluctant to discuss it on here in case someone found out for that reason but then I can't ignore this forever because I'm not getting better and I want to overcome my problems. Would it go against me? And how can I help myself without therapy?

I don't think anyone would discredit you for trying to help yourself. Even therapists here, anyway, have to undergo their own therapy before becoming one And, you want to insure you actually get there I want you to be around, you sound like a great person who is just struggling with a terrible thing that many deal with. I'm glad you are here and hope you can find the help you need. Books? I see there is a list on this website alone that offer some titles that you might find helpful/interesting. Therapy and possibly medications? Don't stop asking for help
hugs

Thanks Love2drum!

i don't think it would go against you but i don't know what is bothering you either. can you talk about here? we're anonymous so it's a safe place to chat for support./solutions/suggestions.
as for lack of therapy you can google your concerns and read about it to self help. plus pc has a lot of articles under "news" to help you.

http://www.crisischat.org/

This is a free anonymous crisis chat.
I have used it, it has helped me. Maybe it can help you.
Best wishes.

Thanks JeanneDoe! When are the operators online? Because I clicked on it and it says they're all offline. Also, is it available to people outside the United States? It doesn't say. Though thanks for finding it for me! I've looked for something like that zillions of times and have had no luck. Thanks!

I am not sure if it works for people outside of US. I also thought maybe people were always online?

Im sorry if it does not work for you. Maybe google
Crisis chat? Thats what I did...

I found this on the FAQ

Where/When is chat service available?

When you click on "Chat," you will be routed to a crisis center in the United States that has a Chat Specialist available to talk to you. If a Chat Specialist does not answer your chat immediately, please be patient as the Specialist may be on another chat. You may need to try again in an hour, but attempts will also be made to re-route your request to chat to another crisis center.

If the chat is not open, you will see the available chat schedule so that you can access chat at a later time. Chat is currently open 12 p.m. - 12 a.m. EST with some additional hours on some days of the week.

When there is no chat service available, we encourage you to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Okey doke! Maybe it's because we're in different time zones. I've bookmarked the site and yeah... there's a bit that says that I can fill in my email address and they'd email me when someone is available. It's just most crisis chats are UK and US based. I can't believe the Middle East doesn't have them... You'd think they would wouldn't they?! They don't have hotlines for ANYTHING either. Thank you anyway. At least there's an email service. I'm sure that can't be just for the US!