[d444]

.PARTIALLY" IN THATI'M BLIND IN ONE EYE, ALMOST TOTAL LOSS OF HEARING AND UNABLE TO WALK MORE THAN A BLOCK W/O
A CANE. I HAVN'T HEARD A HUMAN VOICE FOR OVER A YEAR AND SOMETIMES I GET STARTLED IF SOMEONE
COMES UP CLOSE TO ME BECAUSE I EITHER HAVE'NT HEARD FOOTSTEPS OR DIDN'T SEE THEM UNTIL THE
LAST MOMENT DUE TO THE EYESIGHT BLINDNESS. I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I LAUGHED, BUT CRYING
IS ALMOST WEEKLY..OR LESS.
I DON'T HAVE A DOCTOR AND AM AFRAID OF HOSPITALS THAT MIGHT "FORCE" ME INTO TESTS I EITHER CAN'T
AFFORD OR DONT WANT. IF I GO ANYWHERE, IT'S IN A TAXI TO GROCERY SHOP AND BOTH COST MONEY THAT
IS DIMMING THE CHECKBOOK. I"M UP UNTIL 4/5 AM EVERY NIGHT and ONLY SLEEP "WELL" WHEN I'M EXHAUSTED
FROM BEING UP ALL DAY AND NIGHT.
THE PAST 5 YEARS HAVE SEEN THE LOSS OF MY MOTHER , MY HALF BROTHER AND MY BEST FRIEND.
DAD DIED IN 1957.I HAVE NO LOVE, EITHER TO GIVE OR RECEIVE. A "LOVE" FROM A FEW YEARS AGO,
I GUESS, SAW MY VULNERABILTY AND STOLE MONEY FROM ME, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.
AND HERE'S MY MAJOR DEPRESSION SET IN, AS IF ALL THE ABOVE ISN'T ENOUGH. IT IS WHY I CRY SO
MUCH, SOMETIMES BLUBBERING....I MISS MY DOG...A BEAUTIFUL BLACK LABRADOR. I HAD HER FOR 4
YEARS..WE WALKED TOGETHER SOMETIMES 4/5 MILES A DAY. SHE MADE ME LAUGH AND TRUSTED MY
PROTECTION OF HER. A FEW SHORT YEARS AGO, I COULDN'T AFFORD TO KEEP HER DUE TO MONEY
PROBLEMS, MIXED IN DETERIORATING HEALTH PROBLEMS. THE DAY AFTER I LEFT HER WITH THE
BEST FRIEND MENTIONED ABOVE , I GOT AN EMAIL saying , "OH GARY..THIS IS AWFUL...MISSY HAS
CRIED ALL DAY AND INTO THE NIGHT SINCE YOU LEFT HER HERE.." TRUST? YEH...I BLEW OUT HER TRUST.
IT GETS WORSE...MY BEST FRIEND DIED UNEXPECTEDLY. AND I GOT ANOTHER EMAIL TELLING ME THAT.
TWO WEEKS LATER, TELLS ME THAT MISSY BOLTED OUT A BACK FENCE AND WAS
KILLED BY A CAR. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SHAKE MY RESPONSIBILITY OFF, BLAME MYSELF DAILY
FOR LETTING HER GO, PRAY FOR HER EVERYDAY, BUT FAULT MYSELF for LOSING MY COMPANION.
WE'LL WALK NO MORE. Yes, people lose PETS, BUT MISSY WAS MORE THAN A PET. ..SHE WAS THE
LOVE I NEEDED..THEN AND NOW. NO, I CAN"T HAVE A DOG WHERE I LIVE...I JUST BEAT MYSELF UP FOR
PUTTING MISSY IN THOSE POSITIONS.
I'M SURE I LEFT A LOT OF SITUATIONS OUT, BUT WILL LEAVE IT AS IT IS FOR NOW.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Losing Missy wasn't your fault...there was no way you could have known what would happen. You sound lonely, I wish I could help! Welcome to PC, I hope you find the support you are looking for here. There are a lot of caring members here!

This absolutely has me in tears for you,your loss,difficulties,loneliness,guilt,fear,darling ,darling soul.Please keep coming back,as I KNOW there are very lovely people here who'd be pleased to bring you comfort,and friendship.The sun will dawn darling.

[DivorcedWoman]

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through and are going through. It doesn't sound like you have money to go to therapy which if you do at some point I would recommend. Would you feel comfortable going to a free support group for people dealing with depression? If so, go to the NAMI website. There are many support groups for people with depression.

I'm bipolar so I've been up and I've been very down and felt incapacitated at times. I go to a free support group that I found through NAMI and it's been really helpful to have others going through stuff like me.

A lot of people in my group do not have medical coverage. Some of them are using the County for services. I don't know where you are located, but there could be some free services there as well. I'm not 100% sure but I believe the people in my group get free medications and therapy or at a very low cost.

On another note, my mom is 73 and her aorta burst about a year and a half ago and she also had a stroke and now has to live in an assisted living facility. It is challenging to go through health struggles at such an early age. My mom definitely had depression issues for a while as well if that gives you any comfort.

Best wishes and if I can be of any additional help feel free to PM me or write here again.

Hello, Gary. May you find support and understanding here.

[d444]

Many thanks to all who replied. I try very hard to not get into "woe is me" modes,except everyday, I try to meet the crud headon, yet restrictions are everywhere...ie: I can't call anyone for help..doctor, family that's left,etc because I can't hear anything. Yes, I have a hearing aid, but like me, it doesnt work anymore either. Onward.....

[d444]

Many thanks to everyone replying. I've tried to check myself regarding my inital post.
This is not about a dog..it's about how her loss affects me in resent "life".
I never wanted my current situations to affect other people here who are experiencing their own pains in life...only that I ,I guess, needed to explain the magnitude of my hurting. Were there a genie in a bottle, I would wish for relief of physical discomfort and the way to forever deal with the loss of my companion. It's yet another sleepless night..now 3:13 am.. I last "slept" after taking otc pain killer..
that gained me one hour's sleep....yesterday about the same time.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I am so sorry you hurt so much! Please keep posting. I wish I could take your pain away and let you get some sleep. You are in my thoughts!

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ How I wish I could do something to help you!! It was NOT your fault that Missi died. Please don't blame yourself. You couldn't keep her any longer, and you did the best you could for her. Please forgive yourself.

You have had some rough times, that is certain. But know that we are all behind you !! Anytime you want to talk, someone will be there for you. I'm a widow, disabled, and live alone so I know it can get lonely. I try to keep as busy as I can, and often get online to stave off the loneliness.

Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep posting and we'll keep answering. lol God bless you. Hugs, Lee

Dont you worry about us being sad...just want you to meet others here and keep sharing .I understand about the dog.You just please don't worry about us ok?We will all be fine.And you will to sweety.But cant help but to feel.

[Yoda]

Hello d444

You have had so much loss in the past couple of years. No wonder that you would feel sad.

I understand how horrible you feel about losing your dog. My dog has been gone for a little over a year now and this week I dreamed that he came home and in my dream I was so happy to see him again. Our pets can be better friends than people sometimes and losing them so very, very hard.

I am glad that you have found psychcentral. You can always find a kind person to listen here when you want to talk.

(((((Yoda....D444))))))

[d444]

I must admit, I've been mulling the possibility of staying away a few days and try to deal with emotions myself as they come. I'm not a stupid individual and I know me
and how I usually react to situations I feel are out of control. No, not hurting myself,but I live in a town where Missy and I used to walk, so whenever I get out, I see these areas and memories kick in about good times, then at night, missing those
daywalks and her being by my side kick in at night and so do emotions I have a tough time dealing with. I considered a move to another state to get away from those local memories...would be a stupid move, cost too much money, among other probable difficulties, so..I'm stuck where I am. I had one of those past memories yesteray and
resulting nightmare,....well...I won't describe it, but it had me begging God to PLEASE stop allowing these nightmares.

[Can't Stop Crying]

This is a great place to get those emotions out as so many people can relate. We're here for you anytime you need to vent or get support!

[madisgram]

welcome, d. i'm glad you found us.
it seems you have had a lot of loss and sadness in your life. lots of physical challenges too. at the moment i'll need to think on this and will get back with you. hope i can offer some helpful suggestions to you later.
in the meantime you've found our community. i think you will find it's very supportive. know that we care about you.

[(JD)]

Hello!
I know as we age the ability to find quality to life becomes more challenging. From time to time it crosses my mind as well, but I have a faith that sustains me.

What your life is, well it is what you make it. Remember Helen Keller? I can only hope that if I had been put into that life, I would have done even half of what she did. And why did she do so much? She had a perspective on life that carried her into the next day, and the next. It was not anything about her life situation, even as she aged.

Search for this perspective. Search for something you can do to help others, even in your diminished state. Altruism is the key to feeling good about ourselves, imo.

Just like when we were little we had to find "no money fun" (things we could do for fun that cost no or very little money) ... find some way to give the goodness of your heart to others.

I had a black lab service dog for 15 years. I miss him so! He's been gone 4 years now... and I still, even on this trip last week, called my current service dog by "figgy" But I believe our pets are in heaven, and that there's written encouragement to that effect.

Had you considered an animal that is less expensive, for emotional support? In the USA there are "emotional support animals" that are generally allowed by law into any apartment complex and nursing homes, depending up the care they require you might consider this???

I bought my mom a large plush dog to keep her company. It was lovely to hug and remember days of old.

BTW, if you could put in more paragraphs into your writing it will help me to read them easier. I generally write in larger font, if for no one else but me to be able to read it! You can increase the size of the font...up above under SIZES where you found Bold and it's generally considered shouting to type in all capitals. No problem though, for newbies.

I'm glad you are here at PC. You can begin to socialize again... it is a new way (I still question it at times hehehe) but it will help you know you are worthwhile and can find friends again. Take care

[d444]

Thanks for your input. No, I'm not in a situation where I can have an animal, even tho I know the laws would back me where I to demand one. Besides, I'm now not even physically able to care for one, so that would be unfair to the animal.

As for my paragraphs, I'll try to get better on those. Most all of my posts have been early mornings when I either can't sleep..or the motions are chewing me up, so I guess I tend to ramble on whatever my current emotion is.

Try not to be too concerned how you 'come off'(Your paragraphs) ...I promise...no one is worried about that.Just want to give support.Please ....."ramble" on....Want to hear from you.I like to "ramble"....

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hey we all are guilty of rambling, typo's, grammar errors, etc. Don't let that get to you. Post how ever you want, lord knows some of my posts are pretty out there when I'm upset...it's normal and expected!

[d444]

Perhaps a laugh or two????????????????

My friend Bill is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight
years old.

My friend had a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him
what he meant.

I watched NASCAR today, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't
have to go so fast.

What do batteries run on? Think about it.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them
is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

I love to go shopping and salepeople ask me if they can help me, and I say,
"Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
"Extra medium."

"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety. lol

[Can't Stop Crying]

Those are great!

(((((D444)))) Awesome!...I at first,hadn't caught the ..."Maybe a laugh or two part"...So I was thinking this was stuff you were telling me irl...but you were kidding...lol....then I had to giggle.Thank you for making me smile.Take good care of you ok?...Check in soon.WO.olf

[yellowted]

heres a laugh for you

the pope came to England on holiday

on his last day he stood at the entrence of the hotel and watched the shoufer put his bags in the boot

when he finished he looked at the pope and said "well get in then"
the pope looked at him and said"would it be possible for me to drive us to the airport"

the shoufer thought and said"why would you like to drive when i am paid to shoufer you"

"well I am considered too precious back home so am not allowed to" the pope replied

after a long time arguing the shoufer gave in, the pope got in the driving seat and the shoufer sat in the back

Onthe motorway they passed a police car doing 110 miles per hour (the speed limit being 70 max)

the police car put his flashing lights on and pulled the limo over

on approaching the limo the new recruit policeman recognised the pope and decided to radio his boss to ask for advice

"i have just pulled over a limo doing 110 on the M4 what should i do?"
boss replied"book him"

"i'm not sure i should " replied the policeman

"why not"

"i think it is God" said the new recruit

"God!" exclaimed his boss "what makes you think it's God?"

the recruit replied "well he has the pope as his shoufer!"

[kevinbrown10]

I think you need some personal care and professional health care as well as by medical professionals. A nursing home or a health care home would be a good choice. There will be nursing staff that will provide you mental and physical support. Why do not you join that? I know you are not in that condition where you could do that but you will have to do something to go through it.

[celloplayer]

I TOO AM IN MY LATER 60'S AND DISABLED. I CAN NO LONGER DRIVE, BUT DO HAVE CLOSE FAMILY AND FRIENDS. i CANNOT TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR MEDICAL ISSUES BUT i DO KNOW THERE ARE MANY PLACES WHERE YOU CAN SEEK HELP EVEN WITH NO MONEY.

AS FAR AS YOUR DOG, EVEN IF YOU HAVE LIMITED INCOME, IF YOU CAN CALL YOUR LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER i KNOW THAT PURINA, THE DOG FOOD COMPANY HAS A PROGRAM WHERE THEY PAY ALL THE COSTS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS TO ADOPT DOGES FROM ANIMAL SHELTERS. tHEY WILL EVEN PAY TO SPAY OR NEUTER THE DOG AND FOR HEALTH EXPENSES AS THEY COME UP.
iF YOU DECIDE TO GET ANOTHER DOG, SIMPLY CALL THE SHELTER NEAR YOPU AND ASK ABOUT THE purina PROGRAM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS. iT SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED A FRIEND AND SAVING A DOG COULD BE THE RIGHT ANSWER FOR YOU AND THE DOG AND IT WILL COST YOU NOTHING.