Emotions attached to objects

Has anyone experienced this? I live in the world of numb most of the time. Then......... I feel an urge to buy something and the urge builds up. Used to be I could afford to do this, not now. I used to buy and sell my car very frequently or it could be tied to something else, but is always an object.

What would happen is once I bought the object I obsessed over, I felt immediate relief, a rush. Then the feeling inside (which I can't identify) slowly fades, but I feel something inside of me building up again and the only way to relieve this feeling is to get rid of the object I just bought. I feel the rush and relief that the object is gone, only to find myself obsessing over buying something new again and it builds until I buy it only to have to get rid of it as soon as something inside of me builds up.

Here are some examples................... I bought an expensive piano. I always wanted to learn piano and looked into lessons and started to have a difficult time finding piano teachers that would teach a beginner adult. So, I tried to learn by myself which became frustrating. Then all of a sudden, one day I couldn't stand the piano in my home, I couldn't even look at it. There was a hugh emotion tied to this piano which I could not identify but I had to get it out of my home. I don't know what the trigger was. So, I advertised and finally sold it for 1/10th of the price I paid for it. Other things like this that I spent alot of money on, I gave away just to get rid of it. Now, when I look back on the piano, I feel shocked that I no longer have this piano and why did I get rid of it, wishing I still had it.

These activities are making me nuts. Anyone experience anything vaguely similar to this?

I have lived my entire life with another version of what you've described. My mother taught me from Day #1 that things, irregardless of how irrelevant they were, were to eternally be kept. At 89, she still considers throwing away or selling practically anything she or any deceased relative has ever owned to be inexcuseable.

You cannot (to this day) pick-up anything Mother has ever acquired that she did not date and usually note where it came from, etc. The strangest thing I've ever found so documented was a toilet plunger ("Plumber's Friend") with the date it was purchased AND several return address labels taped to the handle. May lightning strike me dead this minute if I'm lying!

I don't have any idea where attaching emotion to objects comes from but I know it exists. It may all be related to whatever leads to hoarding or possibly even stealing for some people. Shoplifters, from what I've read, steal about as often for the thrill as because they truly want or need whatever gets stolen.

I have this summer been secretly disposing of years of accumulated furniture and household items that I've paid to store (things Mother insisted had to be kept even if they eventually all but disintegrated in storage) and I absolutely feel a sense of jubilation driving away from each trip to Goodwill or the city dump!!

Hi June Bug, there is a saying called "Buyers remorse" and it does address a common feeling after one purchases and item. But it goes deeper than that June, one of the things you are buying is a change. You need a change and this is also common and thus we have all those annoying commericals, oh we simply have to have these things that will greatly improve our life. And we grow up with these commercials and guess what? We begin to believe on some level that we should have something new.
And every good salesman/woman is trained this and it is all in presentation, as a matter of fact I saw a program on just how important presentation is and how it is really actually studied by observing a potential buyers eyes, the pupil responds to a pleasurable shape. It is the bazaar program I watched but it's true.

The other issue you discussed with the piano had a couple of different meanings, one is what I described above and the other is that because you could not make use of it you were then annoyed not only by the purchase and a little buyer's remorse but also that you were not really able to put use to it. The other issue is that often we are trained to wonder, do we really need it or deserve it? Oh we begin to feel that we over indulged and that we are bad and undeserving so then we need to get rid of the evidence of being selfish as soon as possible and thus what we get for it is less important than getting rid of the evidence of it or the fact that we did try to do something for ourselves. And that does happen a lot and some of that is trained into us perhaps by a parent when we are young and they say, that toy is too expensive, you don't need it etc. And I will bet you find it easier to buy something for someone else, but not you right?

And then Queen, what you experience is the fact that again through living with a parent that may have been through the depression or exposed to one that has, the thought of throwing anything out is a sign of not appreciating what one actually has. It is very strange how people do view their possessions and how that relates to how they were raised. And also if something purchased was really useful for a purpose than time does not change it's usefulness and so we must keep it and appreciate that we do have it. And if it was in the family than we keep that too in respect of that family member.

Then there is the extreme ofcourse, the horder who simply cannot separate from any item they own, not even the garbage. They truely have severe issues with separating from anything and they have great trouble making decisions so they make none.

So, when you go and purchase something June you have to really think about what you are buying and what it really means. You have to get beyond that feeling of not deserving it once you own it. Sometimes if one is feeling denied, they will try to buy in order to fight that feeling. So my suggestion to you is ask yourself what have you been denied and think about your past and your childhood, get to the bottom of it so that you can actually go out and buy something and enjoy it and know you deserve it.

The other thing that we have to consider is that we are constantly under the gun by every commercial to purchase, purchase, purchase. And you cannot expect a purchase to change your life or make you happy, no, it doesn't last. You have to invest in yourself and that takes time. But think about yourself first and what you really want and are you willing to accept your choices or do you punish yourself for making choices, that can be instilled to without us even knowing.

Oh June, I just wanted to tell you I have a piano for sale. LOL Oh I always wanted a baby grand, its not new, I dont usually buy new, I try to find older quality things, gives me more permission, LOL, but I never got a chance to really use it. I play by ear but dont have time to enjoy it. But I do like looking at it, it does need tuning though LOL.

Open Eyes

Oh, I just wanted to add something kind of funny. My mom was the ulitmate shopper. She would never pay full price for anything and she did know what was good quality and she knew when things would go on sale. It really became an art for her and one of the best memories I have was the side walk sale at the mall, the old fashioned mall. We would shop for our fall clothing and we were with the best bargain hunter teacher. We would plan on where to to go first and it was really fun.
Oh back then you could buy a really nice shirt for 99 cents. Oh those were the days.

And my mom would start Christmas shopping right after Christmas and she would stash all the bargains and it was so much fun Christmas morning to see what she had collected for gifts throughout the year.

But the funny thing about my mom was that she would never take the price tags off.
She would hold onto things and really think about wether she really wanted it or not.
But the other thing is that if she saw something nicer go on sale, she would return the other item or even exchange it. And she did keep those receipts, I bet I could find receipts dating quite a way back. And I know there are clothes in her closets that still have price tags on them.

She would show the tag and the original price and then that proud markdown price that was only a fraction of the original cost. My father sometimes got cruel as he would say, you would have saved more had you not bought it to begin with.

So all he did was give her doubt. But do you see how sometimes we can have regrets or even doubts instilled in us without really realizing it?

And as far as that old plunger is concerned? Well I have to say they don't make anything like they used to. I often prefer to shop for used furniture rather than new because there is no comparison in the quality. And I don't really like that big cheap papa bear furniture they have now anyway.

Open Eyes

Thanks for the offer to buy your piano, Open Eyes, lol, but I think I will pass (( hugs )) for now anyway.

One thing that sprung to mind as you were talking about this issue, is entitlement. All this started after my mother passed away and I discovered that all her possessions and estate/wealth were divided up between my two sisters and they left me nothing, even though I had one third interest in her estate. I hired an attorney and the loophole that my sisters got through was that my mother had given all her possessions to my two sisters as a gift prior to her death. Her death was part of a wrongful death lawsuit and the money I received after her death was blood money. My mother was my chief abuser.

In the letter to my attorney, my sisters stated that all my mothers possessions were gifted to family members (there has always been doubt that I was not a blood relative which has never been cleared up). So, I used a large part of this lawsuit to buy the items that were similar to what I was not given. The joke was on me because then my home resembled my mothers home and I could not live with that. 90% of the expensive pieces of furniture and possessions I purchased, I gave away. But something broke inside of me through all this and I started this impulse buying and giving away and hugh feelings attached to the items I purchased and the quick need to get rid of the item.

It was one word you wrote and that was called "entitlement" and this sentence "You have to get beyond that feeling of not deserving it once you own it. Sometimes if one is feeling denied, they will try to buy in order to fight that feeling." This was soo spot on !! I am amazed with your intuitiveness Open Eyes

I lost all my childhood possessions and meaningful things that I was told I would have, antiques passed down through generations and quilts I slept under growing up, etc. Everything gone, even my childhood artwork, all gone.

Dear June... I think I know what's going on. But I may be wrong, and if I am, I hope I haven't hurt or offended you.

You say this started after your mother died, and that your two sisters got more than their share of the inheritance. What we inherit from our parents can be seen to represent in concrete form how much they loved us. For example, my brother and I fought bitterly over a coat that my Grandfather left behind... he didn't say to whom it belonged, but because he let me wear it most recently (sudden hail) I insisted it was mine. My brother insisted it was his, because it was a man's coat, and it fitted him better. But to both of us it represented our Grandfather's love.

For whatever reason you feel cheated of your mother's love. She's gone now, your sisters have their share... you still feel empty and bereft. You look for comfort in things, but when you have those things the comfort isn't there... the object cannot fulfill your broken heart. You wanted to learn the piano (and that is still perfectly possible by the way) but between that desire and the execution of it there fell a shadow... you wanted your mother's blessing. You needed an object to signify approval, pride.

By the way... a piano teacher who will not take on an adult is a very poor teacher. I think if you'd found a teacher who was worthy of the name (ie someone who is prepared to teach, period) you wouldn't have had the emotional difficulty associated with the object arise.

If you want any advice on learning an instrument as an adult, pm me... I've got experience of this, and also some very good advice from both mature students and teachers.

But the big problem is that you feel deprived of your inheritance... it's not the THINGS, it's what they represent... a mother's love.

No wonder objects hold such peculiar and painful power over you. I hope this in some way helps you break that grip.

Oh June, I am so very sorry. That happened to my mother's mother and all her mother's things (she was an only child) were taken and she never got her mother's things, and she was very posessive of her things.

I have come to know that family can be very cruel when it comes to estates and money.

I am not so sure that having the things that were in your past would have truely been a comfort to you because of the relationship you had with your mother. And that money you did receive and what it represented, it was not something you could accept, I cant blame you for that. It was attached to a person who denied you and now I understand why nothing you bought with it made you happy. Material things cannot replace something denied.

But June, you have to love yourself, please don't deny yourself because of what your mother denied you. It was not that you were not worthy, it was her issue and you suffered for it. You must realize that deep within you. If you can do that, and others here have, you can be your own best friend.

So you have something to work on June, learning how to love yourself and not let your mothers issues be what determines your life. You just don't deserve that and I am willing to bet that you are the best of the bunch as if those sisters had any decency, they would have not snuck around you the way they did. Those actions of theirs will never change, they will own those actions for eternity. Just remember that. Anything that they got, they wont really enjoy June, because deep inside them, they will know just how they did it. So in reality, you are the better, I know you dont see that and yet somehow you do by the fact that you don't really want what you did get from your mother's death. And it is not that you never deserved it either. No, you have to give to yourself, and that means allow yourself to appreciate yourself, you learned a lesson, but that lesson is not your fault. The real curse or punishment will lie in the minds of the others that took and betrayed. You are the better. Let it go, it isn't worth the trouble and I think deep inside you know that. And you are not like them, your better.

Open Eyes

Hello June Bug, Open Eyes, mgran and Queen,
I wanted to thank you for your original post June, and the replies. I have a similar issue I'm working through at t he moment but didn't want to hijack thread so have started a new one.
I was wondering also if OCD is involved somehow in the purchasing/expelling cycle for you June? I obsess over much smaller and cheaper (thank goodness) articles, such as a book or a pair of shoes, and will obsess about it, dream about it, think about it, price it in as many different places to make sure I get the best deal, and even when I think I see it at the cheapest that I can get it, I'll still go and check at another store 'just in case' its cheaper there now, missing out on the original special, to wade myself through the whole pricing search again - and the whole process can take months. Once I have finally, FINALLY, made the agonising purchase, I bring it home and stick it on the shelf or in the cupboard or in the shed, depending on what it is, and simply forget about it. I say agonising because I don't seem to get any real joy out of any part of the process, not even at the actual purchase point which is still clouded in doubt and anxiety, but obviously I must to continue to put myself through it - there's always a payoff somewhere, just got no idea where it is! Anyway, my T says this is another of my OCD symptoms is the obsessive thought cycle, and wondered if you could relate.

Thanks again for posting,
kp

Hello Open Eyes ~ I appreciate your taking the time to respond to me in such detail and I keep re-reading what you have to say to me. Last night I had to ponder over what you are talking about and today I am going to start my art journal about this and see what pans out.

Yes, you are once again.........spot on........... that having all that furniture that I replicated (it came with a high price $$$) and not being able to tolerate it. You were soo correct with that. In fact, I took everything my family of origin gave to me over the years, that I could not sell and donated it. I have a few things my grandparents gave me but that is it, nothing in my home reminds me of my family of origin now.

My sister, who got my mothers house and most of her wealth, I noticed during the trial, was wearing her clothes/shoes, etc and suddenly I realized my sister's need was to replicate my mother, in some sick way. When I asked her to build on an addition to my mothers home so that I could live there, due to my disability, I knew I was facing homelessness and her response was that "at least you know where you will end up". My last comment to her was "just because you are emulating mom, doesn't give you the right to abuse me and take that position with me, that's cruel". She just shrugged indifferently with no emotion. I will never forget our parting words and that was 6 years ago, haven't seen her since.

My family of origin had sociopathic tendencies, no guilt, no remorse and the need to destroy me, scapegoating (generational abuse). So, right now, they are enjoying their wealth with no guilt over what they did to me because they are hardwired differently. However, on a spiritual level, that is where what has happened to me through all the years, will make a difference for them, this I have to believe and is what is sustaining me. My daily walk through this life is all about forgiveness, and it is a daily process for me.

I don't love myself. I have lived with 60 years of self hate, self loathing. Over the past two years I have been taking Dialectal Behavioral Training and that is helping some, but it is too deep seated in me to change. I have tried, however, I have a need to punish myself, deny myself and give up on myself. Twice I tried to give up on life, but was unsuccessful.

There was alot going on all in one year: the death of both parents, the conflict over the Will, the trial, coming out of the domestic violence women's shelter and readjusting to life, the death of two beloved pets, a co-worker who molested me in a bathroom, 9/11 and my subsequent illness.

So, I think I will work on this daily art journal I have been creating and focus on this broken part of myself to see if this will help me manage these hugh emotions.

I hear your words of support Open Eyes. I have copied what you are saying to me out into a support journal that I keep on my desk to ponder over. What you said had a powerful effect on me and I thank you for your insightfulness

Hi KP ~ No problem hijacking this tread . Yes, I have OCD, didn't think this would also play into it. Good catch and thank you Nice to meet you

Hello Mgran ~ Nice to meet you and thank you for taking the time to reply to my thread I was expecting that I would get my sisters back as sisters after my mother's death (my chief abuser), however, I couldn't have been more wrong. They carried on the generational abuse. It was then, at the age of 54 that I came face to face with the fact that I was never loved by my family of origin. I was a shocking revelation and one of the biggest disappointments I have ever experienced. My two sisters were my mother's enabler and her mission in life was to destroy me, so my sisters continued on with this process.

I had hoped to fit into my remaining family of origin going forward after mom's death, but that was not to be my future. They closed the gate on me and never looked back.

I miss the piano. The odd thing about that was I always wanted a piano and piano lessons. My sister got the piano/lessons and I was prohibited from using it and was denied lessons. I think the teacher I connected with after I bought my piano who laughed at me over the phone about teaching someone at my age the piano activated the memory and why I had to get rid of it.

Thank you for sharing the story about your grandfathers coat, who ended up with the coat?

I was taking a machine quilting class several years ago and one of the teachers brought in a crazy quilt she had made out of her deceased father's clothing, which I felt was very interesting.