[SoupDragon]

The last few weeks I felt like I was living my life again - I wasn't having a fantastically good time, a few negative things happened, but that was OK in a way as I dealt with them and did feel that I had jumped in among people and life again and was at least participating.

The last few days I have started to feel distant, like i have climbed back out again. I have just sat here going through posts and while before I felt able to contribute, now I just feel ???? not sure what really, just everything is an effort - like writing this.

Not even sure what I am looking for in posting this - it's just something that I am making myself do.

[objtrbit]

hiya!

I have so been there; I think what it was for me was that whole theme of taking care of everyone else except for myself, pushing far beyond the limits. And then like this post of yours-the lack of energy to do it-for me when I posted for something-encouragement? Idk what I was after either-but I noticed that I maybe ended up deciding that effort was not worth being put into me. That one was waaayyy down there, unknown to me, I didn't even feel it until I got outta the slump in which you speak. My guess is you actually have A LOT going on in your life, more than you give yourself credit for.
Thanks for your support for others, btw!

What got me outta it was a lot of talking about what I was feeling, the stresses I was going through-life didn't even have to get any easier, all I needed was someone supportive and who understood the extent of what was on my heart. Once I released all that, suddenly I had all this energy cuz I had taken care of myself.

I'm not sure what your experiences entail, but if nothing else I feel ya yo;
oh and just thought of something....the more self-conscious I am about posting, the strong the slump would hit me...so if you are also struggling with shyness, that could be a factor as well and that kinda thing has to be talked about and worked through too-but heya, surround yourself with supportive peeps!

soup dragon,
take care,
-obj

[madisgram]

soup, i've been there too. sounds like you're waffling between a good mood and then depression. depression makes everything difficult for me, anxious, and i stay indoors a lot. can you contact your pdoc? a mood stabilizer really helped me with these swinging moods. hope this helps, soup.

[missbelle]

When we feel good we know what NOT feeling good is......All of us go thru. various emotions. Don't be scared that you right now feel blah. That happens to the most stable of us. Don't read in to this as being bad. We all cannot feel on top of the world everyday. I think it is o.k.
Like I said, you have gotten a taste of what it feels to really feel well and healthy and good so now you know the differnce and you want it back!
It will come back..our emotions flow....Don't worry!!

Hugs;
Dee

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by objtrbit

hiya!

I have so been there; I think what it was for me was that whole theme of taking care of everyone else except for myself, pushing far beyond the limits. And then like this post of yours-the lack of energy to do it-for me when I posted for something-encouragement? Idk what I was after either-but I noticed that I maybe ended up deciding that effort was not worth being put into me. That one was waaayyy down there, unknown to me, I didn't even feel it until I got outta the slump in which you speak. My guess is you actually have A LOT going on in your life, more than you give yourself credit for.
Thanks for your support for others, btw!

What got me outta it was a lot of talking about what I was feeling, the stresses I was going through-life didn't even have to get any easier, all I needed was someone supportive and who understood the extent of what was on my heart. Once I released all that, suddenly I had all this energy cuz I had taken care of myself.

I'm not sure what your experiences entail, but if nothing else I feel ya yo;
oh and just thought of something....the more self-conscious I am about posting, the strong the slump would hit me...so if you are also struggling with shyness, that could be a factor as well and that kinda thing has to be talked about and worked through too-but heya, surround yourself with supportive peeps!

soup dragon,
take care,
-obj

Thank-you for this - it does strike a chord with me and also what you said about a lot going on in my life - yes I think there is. And actually on reflection I think for the first time, my T pushed a little to get me to talk about past events which has not brought anything to my consciousness, but has kind of set off some deep rumblings in my head - maybe that is why I am feeling this way. One of the things my T highlighted was the fact that my cousin was murdered and how that may have made events that I may have experienced insignificant in my mind as they weren't as bad as being murdered.

Also my T keeps saying that I haven't shared everything, but I think I have - I wonder what I am missing?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by madisgram

soup, i've been there too. sounds like you're waffling between a good mood and then depression. depression makes everything difficult for me, anxious, and i stay indoors a lot. can you contact your pdoc? a mood stabilizer really helped me with these swinging moods. hope this helps, soup.

Thank-you for this - I have avoided pdocs so far and have therefore not tried medication - I have come very close to making an appointment with my doctor to get medication, but I get so anxious about making the apointment that I avoid it, then after a week or so, the thoughts / feelings seem to settle. But I appreciate you sharing how they have helped you, makes it a little less scary to contemplate it for myself.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by missbelle

When we feel good we know what NOT feeling good is......All of us go thru. various emotions. Don't be scared that you right now feel blah. That happens to the most stable of us. Don't read in to this as being bad. We all cannot feel on top of the world everyday. I think it is o.k.
Like I said, you have gotten a taste of what it feels to really feel well and healthy and good so now you know the differnce and you want it back!
It will come back..our emotions flow....Don't worry!!

Hugs;
Dee

I think I have spent so long feeling so bad, that it was a relief to be feeling something else more positive - and yes when I am not feeling that, I get scared that I am going to return to the bad stuff and get stuck there again. Yes maybe it is unrealistic to think that everyday can be a good day - thank-you for the reality check it is very helpful for me to hear that. What a rollercoaster ride this journey is.

((( Soup ))) I call it "my bounce". Usually when I am feeling overwhelming emotion(s) I gray out and can't reach out and communicate. The emotions have thwarted my ability to use my executive functions. So, what I do is acknowledge an emotion is floating around inside, can't figure it out, so I grab magazines and tear out pictures that might resemble what I am might be feeling. After I have poured myself into this project and have it all on poster board, I oftentimes find relief and a return to feelings of normalcy.

What this does is two things. One is to divert attention away from the emotion, as you can think of one thing at a time and two, it sometimes helps to identify what's up that I can't express.

Hope this helps !!!

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thank-you for this - it does strike a chord with me and also what you said about a lot going on in my life - yes I think there is. And actually on reflection I think for the first time, my T pushed a little to get me to talk about past events which has not brought anything to my consciousness, but has kind of set off some deep rumblings in my head - maybe that is why I am feeling this way. One of the things my T highlighted was the fact that my cousin was murdered and how that may have made events that I may have experienced insignificant in my mind as they weren't as bad as being murdered.

Also my T keeps saying that I haven't shared everything, but I think I have - I wonder what I am missing?

Hiya;

Yeah when a T pushes that definitly sets things of-at the least unconsciously. Hhhmmm, I'm thinkin comparing yourself to anothers pain, oye a death in this case (which also must have affected you) well, the way I look at it is pain is pain. Once you allow yourself the credit for what you've been through-then the real work through can be done. In a way, by comparing one pain to another's trauma, it protects you from realizing what you yourself have suffered; My T used to tell me there was stuff missing too-and you wouldn't believe what comes up from the past just by living day to day, familiar things can trigger new stuff all the time. Looking back, that point at which I said I had nothing left to tell was actually the numbest I ever felt-my defense mechanisms had my walls up for sure-my T must have hit something good, as I suspect your T has with you. Self discover is a journey fer realz.

I remember Freud saying something to the extent of "I'm not saying you should mercilessly examine your innnermost troubles...but if you do, you will find out how little you know about yourself". Haha, I almost put that as my signature but I was too lazy lolz

Take care and congratulations on what you have been able to speak of so far in therapy-that stuff is so not fun sometimes.
-obj

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by June_Bug

((( Soup ))) I call it "my bounce". Usually when I am feeling overwhelming emotion(s) I gray out and can't reach out and communicate. The emotions have thwarted my ability to use my executive functions. So, what I do is acknowledge an emotion is floating around inside, can't figure it out, so I grab magazines and tear out pictures that might resemble what I am might be feeling. After I have poured myself into this project and have it all on poster board, I oftentimes find relief and a return to feelings of normalcy.

What this does is two things. One is to divert attention away from the emotion, as you can think of one thing at a time and two, it sometimes helps to identify what's up that I can't express.

Hope this helps !!!

Thank-you this makes a lot of sense. My T often talks about drawing things and I just never know what to draw or why it may be important. But I can really see that the magazine thing may be helpful in trying to understand what may be going on - I am definitely going to try this.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by objtrbit

Hiya;

Yeah when a T pushes that definitly sets things of-at the least unconsciously. Hhhmmm, I'm thinkin comparing yourself to anothers pain, oye a death in this case (which also must have affected you) well, the way I look at it is pain is pain. Once you allow yourself the credit for what you've been through-then the real work through can be done. In a way, by comparing one pain to another's trauma, it protects you from realizing what you yourself have suffered; My T used to tell me there was stuff missing too-and you wouldn't believe what comes up from the past just by living day to day, familiar things can trigger new stuff all the time. Looking back, that point at which I said I had nothing left to tell was actually the numbest I ever felt-my defense mechanisms had my walls up for sure-my T must have hit something good, as I suspect your T has with you. Self discover is a journey fer realz.

I remember Freud saying something to the extent of "I'm not saying you should mercilessly examine your innnermost troubles...but if you do, you will find out how little you know about yourself". Haha, I almost put that as my signature but I was too lazy lolz

Take care and congratulations on what you have been able to speak of so far in therapy-that stuff is so not fun sometimes.
-obj

Oh wow yes - I do feel I have nothing left to tell and maybe over the last year or so, my T has got to know me better than I give him credit for - I do think maybe I am scared that my defenses aren't going to work and he will get through them this time. Although I thought I had been working hard, maybe all this time I have actually been "cunning" in skirting around the issues, or swithcing off, being blank / numb, presenting as vulnerable and he has been patient with me - but maybe he thinks he knows me well enough to push.

We have an imaginary safe, where some things are stored. We haven't spoken about them, only given them names. The safe has sat there under a table without a mention for a couple of months and last session my T acknowledged them again and asked me to name them - I said I couldn't remember them all - he therefore suggested that he did instead - kind of "if you don't I will" - although it was pretty terrifying just hearing them named, I guess it is a good thing, they can't just sit there forever not being talked about as that would be a waste of both of our time.

Love the Freud quote btw and appreciate the fact that you managed to fight against your "laziness" to write it down for me :-) lol

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Oh wow yes - I do feel I have nothing left to tell and maybe over the last year or so, my T has got to know me better than I give him credit for - I do think maybe I am scared that my defenses aren't going to work and he will get through them this time. Although I thought I had been working hard, maybe all this time I have actually been "cunning" in skirting around the issues, or swithcing off, being blank / numb, presenting as vulnerable and he has been patient with me - but maybe he thinks he knows me well enough to push.

Hiya! The part here about skirting around the real issues-definitely a natural defense mechanism there. Made me laugh a little...I used to be scared of the silence, and on top of it I would skip from topic to topic like crazy-that way my analyst wouldn't even know where to begin haha. They always seem to find something unpleasnt to zero in on, so eventually I'd pick one in fear of them picking a "tougher" one-all of it sucks!! lol So I think I feel you there for sure.

We have an imaginary safe, where some things are stored. We haven't spoken about them, only given them names. The safe has sat there under a table without a mention for a couple of months and last session my T acknowledged them again and asked me to name them - I said I couldn't remember them all - he therefore suggested that he did instead - kind of "if you don't I will" - although it was pretty terrifying just hearing them named, I guess it is a good thing, they can't just sit there forever not being talked about as that would be a waste of both of our time.

I have that "wasting time" theme too-gotta say though, it's immpossible to waste time when the most trivial thing was actually a trauma, nah' mean? Takes a long time to work through. Would you bring up to your T what you felt when he named them for you? Sounds like something that coulda made you feel something!

Love the Freud quote btw and appreciate the fact that you managed to fight against your "laziness" to write it down for me :-) lol

Lol thanks, I know right? haha

Take care,
-obj

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by objtrbit

Lol thanks, I know right? haha

Take care,
-obj

Yes obj, I think you do know - you have made me smile, as I think you have made me realise that I know too. Thank-you

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry it's so tough right now soup. I fluctuate too...always worried about when it will hit next, constant roller coaster of ups and downs and nothings. I think what was keeping me stuck the most was that I thought I had dealt with everything and then I realized that I never processed the emotions that go with the events...it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do - not just re-live the events, but re-living the emotions that went with it. Those are the times that I retreat to feeling nothing - when there is just too much. Healing does take energy and sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. I can only hope that in the end it will be.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Sorry it's so tough right now soup. I fluctuate too...always worried about when it will hit next, constant roller coaster of ups and downs and nothings. I think what was keeping me stuck the most was that I thought I had dealt with everything and then I realized that I never processed the emotions that go with the events...it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do - not just re-live the events, but re-living the emotions that went with it. Those are the times that I retreat to feeling nothing - when there is just too much. Healing does take energy and sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. I can only hope that in the end it will be.

Hi CSC, yes I can relate to this. Although I say I have told my T everything, actually you have reminded me that I have told him very little. It has all come from me via e-mails, pieces of paper. There is very little I have actually spoken about, let alone "felt" - oh gosh, I guess that actually is the important bit isn't it? Just thinking about sharing things with my T feels terrifying, I just don't do emotions. In 15 months, once I felt a tear trickle down my face, that has been the extent of what I can share emotionally with T. How do I get to a place where I can feel safe with the emotions?

I guess we all have to continue to have faith that it is worth it in the end - thank-you for sharing how hard it is for you, I don't feel so alone with it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I have faith that you can do it! I never thought I could allow myself to be so vulnerable. With time, I've learned he won't hurt me and that I am safe there in his office. My one wish is that when the session was over that everything would stay contained in his office until the next session. Too bad it doesn't work that way - I try really hard to use my "good" coping skills when I am overwhelmed. It doesn't always work and sometimes I resort to negative coping skills - I try really hard not to beat myself up over the slips and acknowledge that it will happen. I'm not an expert at this by any means, I DO know I have to do this because I don't want to stay stuck in this mode forever!

(((( CSC )))) Thank you for this post. I never realized why with all these years of therapy I still have not been able to heal. I talk and talk and talk, but you know, like you, I have never processed the emotion associated with the trauma. Therapists wonder how I can seem so calm when I describe the trauma and that is because I numb out and am cut off from the emotion.

Now the real work needs to begin. Thank you CSC

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Sorry it's so tough right now soup. I fluctuate too...always worried about when it will hit next, constant roller coaster of ups and downs and nothings. I think what was keeping me stuck the most was that I thought I had dealt with everything and then I realized that I never processed the emotions that go with the events...it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do - not just re-live the events, but re-living the emotions that went with it. Those are the times that I retreat to feeling nothing - when there is just too much. Healing does take energy and sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. I can only hope that in the end it will be.