[hellobrighteyes]

My name is Jessica. I'm fourteen years old, and I'm constantly sad. My mom is sick with smoldering myeloma, which will eventually turn into bone cancer. My family is thousands of dollars in debt, even after my grandma paid $30,000 to help us out. I'm around wealthy people all the time, and whenever I'm inside of a nice house, or riding in a nice car, I feel like nothing. I feel like scum because I can't afford what my friends and cousins can afford. I have low self esteem. I feel like I'll never be smart enough to get a good paying job, or I won't be able to afford the school needed to get that job. I feel ugly. I feel boring. I feel like nobody has a reason to like me. My mom recently lost her license, so I've been at home over the summer, and I've lost contact with pretty much all my friends. I'm going to a new high school this year, and I'm worried about making friends. It will be my first year of high school. I've been the new kid before, and it was miserable. I want a psychiatrist, or someone who I can just rant to for hours and get advice, but I can't afford it. I can't even afford fun activities like dance, which I really want to do. My grandparents and aunt reach out to me, and I can't stand being the charity case of the family. I just don't know what to do. I'd never commit suicide, because I enjoy the good moments in life, though they come rarely. Plus, I would never hurt the ones around me like that, but i constantly think about hurting myself. What should I do?

Welcome to the Community, Jessica. I hope you find a way to get the help you want.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by hellobrighteyes

My name is Jessica. I'm fourteen years old, and I'm constantly sad. My mom is sick with smoldering myeloma, which will eventually turn into bone cancer. My family is thousands of dollars in debt, even after my grandma paid $30,000 to help us out. I'm around wealthy people all the time, and whenever I'm inside of a nice house, or riding in a nice car, I feel like nothing. I feel like scum because I can't afford what my friends and cousins can afford. I have low self esteem. I feel like I'll never be smart enough to get a good paying job, or I won't be able to afford the school needed to get that job. I feel ugly. I feel boring. I feel like nobody has a reason to like me. My mom recently lost her license, so I've been at home over the summer, and I've lost contact with pretty much all my friends. I'm going to a new high school this year, and I'm worried about making friends. It will be my first year of high school. I've been the new kid before, and it was miserable. I want a psychiatrist, or someone who I can just rant to for hours and get advice, but I can't afford it. I can't even afford fun activities like dance, which I really want to do. My grandparents and aunt reach out to me, and I can't stand being the charity case of the family. I just don't know what to do. I'd never commit suicide, because I enjoy the good moments in life, though they come rarely. Plus, I would never hurt the ones around me like that, but i constantly think about hurting myself. What should I do?

I'm sorry to read that your mother is ill and you are unhappy. If your grandparents and aunt offer to pay for your dance, please accept that. When you are older and able to help someone else, then you can help; or if there are chores you can do now for them you can offer to do that. If you are able to talk regularly to your grandparents and aunt, please do so. Otherwise get to know your school guidance counselor and/or school nurse. Material things like fancy cars are temporary but the love of family is forever. It's too soon for you to worry about good paying jobs; as long as you concentrate on your studies and enjoy healthy activities with friends, your options will become more clear to you as you progress through high school and you can discuss educational opportunities with a guidance counselor.

[daylasparks]

Don't hurt yourself. I know how you feel. I lost my dad to melanoma March of this year and ever since I have been depressed. I don't really have friends anymore because they all drink and party so the only person I have is my boyfriend... but we have been fighting because of my issues and I feel like he dsoesn't understand.

[Sunna]

Hi Jessica. I agree, let your granparents and aunt help you. Being "charity case" is your story of this, not theirs. I have paid for my niece's lessons, when her family couldn't possibly afford. It was not a charity. It was not pity. It is what family is about. Caring. There is a lot family can't do, but one thing they can, is to help young girl hang in there through this awful time with something like dance lessons.

And by the way, Jessica, just the way you write I can tell you are not stupid, quite to the contrary. And you are not boring, though considering the stuff you have to deal with, you may be feeling alienated from your easy-living friends, and thus boring. In actuality, it's more likely they are boring. These are heavy burdens you carry, and it is not suprising you have dark thoughts and feel bad about yourself, but you do not need to really be harsh with yourself, it's just a story trying to comprehend why things are going so bad, trying to keep you from having too many hopes so they don't get dashed. It's a form of defense against the outside badness

But life does not have to turn bad for you. You are not doomed. Your friends seem to be traveling on a flat wide highway, tucked comfortably in their plushy cars, while you have a rocky steep mountain to climb, with narrow crumbling trail, and scratchy shrubs, but you know you can walk that path, any path, just take one step, one foot in front of the other.

[my3sns]

hi jessica. im deeply saddened to hear about your mom and the situation you are in. from a moms perspective... i would love to give you a huge hug. you know honey, although sonetimes we really hate having to ask for help or as you put it " be the famiy charity case"...plz try to let them help with whatever they offer...you really dont want 30 yrs to pass, and you realize that a huge part of life has passed you by. know that its ok to ask for help now, and that you deserve it.

[Open Eyes]

((((((((Jessica))))))))) I am so sorry you are experiencing such a difficult time in your life right now Sunna has very warm good advice for you, very nice Sunna.
Sweetheart, you are only just 14 and your surroundings are very serious for such a young girl. And you cannot look down the road with any real expectations yet, no one your age really can. You are going to grow and change a lot over the years.

As far as the expensive cars and homes you go into, you cannot look at that as if you will never have that or don't belong in that atmosphere etc. All of that is just things and not all that important when it comes to life and value of a person. There are plenty of people that have that and are very unhappy and unfulfilled. Materialistic things are not what makes a person happy or superior.

And if family members want to help you don't let that make you feel like you are just taking from them. People who help others gain by doing so and it can make them feel good to know they can help.

Take time to get to know others here at PC. It is a good place to come and get support and make some friends that can help you get through this difficult time.

Open Eyes

[siljie]

Jessica,

This is not your fault. None of it is, alright? Don't feel lousy because your friends grew up in different family situations and households. I feel a lot of empathy for you, as I can relate in some ways. I'm fourteen too, so I know all about the angst and self esteem problems that come along with the society we're thrust into. We are all very supportive on this site, so you can always lean on us if you really need to talk. Also if you have any family members or friends in real life you could talk to that would be great. Verbally venting is soo relieving at times. Maybe when the school year starts up you can speak to the school counselor. As far as I know, they are free. I hope your mother gets well again, and I know things for you will get better

Siljie

[danii24]

Its understandable your sad your going through soo much in your life. Your not to young to be sad. I was about 11 when i started to get depressed. Im really sorry to hear your going through an awful time espcially your mother being soo sick.

I no what you mean about feeling like a charity case and it makes you feel worse but your grandparents and aunt wouldnt see u as that at all im sure.

I think it would be great if your school had a councillor. the feelings you have about been ugly and low self esteem must be hard for you to cope with. i no this isnt much help. i jus wantd you to know that there are many people on this site that will listen to you keep posting. i hope things get better soon

[yellowted]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))) sweetie, you have a lot to deal with for one so young yet you are a great, thoughtful, caring and inteligent writer, fancy cars and posh houses are often the reason so many families have difficulties, because people try to have more than they can afford or give up on pleasurable things like spending time together. you seem very sensible, aim for quality time with your family rather than worrying about what others have. poor people are often much richer in feeling loved /supported by their family than those who spend every waking hour at work to pay for a great big fancy house and car they only have time to drive at weekends!
a new school will open up new opportunities for you to make new friends, maybe you will find some who are in a similar financial situation to your family, may be not, who knows.
give your grandparents and aunts a chance to spoil you, that is their job!you are certainly not a charity case just because they treat you to things, most extended families do the same regardless of wealth or illness in the family. they will only offer to treat you if they really want to, if they did not want to they wouldn't offer! they are probably very proud of how you are hanling the siuation with your mum and want to say thankyou for sticking by her and not making her life more difficult.
when you feel like hurting yourself, please set an alarm clock or timer for 1 hour, tell yourself you will wait till it goes off before you decide weather you really think it is a good idea to act on the feeling, in the mean time do something, anything to distract yourself from the feelings, watch tv, go for a run, play loud music and sing your heart out to it, talk to someone about the weather, any distraction should work, they are a great way of diverting/dispersing your feelings.
let your new school nurse or councillor know of the situation you are dealing with as soon as you can, she may have some ideas or suggestions that will help you .
most of all please keep posting on this site, you can rant as much as you wish on here, and you will usually get great feed back too!
Take care
Ted x